Ok I'm really feeling the guilt....

[SeriouslyConfusedNow]

I've been with my partner for about 18 months, not that long really but he is a very full-on person. He spends a lot of time at my house, it's easier as his kids are all adults, mine are young and I can't drive so it makes more sense for him to come to me. He has admitted he was diagnosed with OCD some years ago and I find this hard to deal with. He's obsessed with cleaning to the point where he sees dirt where there is none. I have pets and I constantly feel under pressure to rid the house of every single hair before he comes in from work. I'm a clean person but I can't match his impossible standards, one pet hair would be enough to put him in a stinking mood all night.

He's also so insecure, he will phone me every 20 minutes while he's at work which puts me under pressure, I'm trying to make the house spotless but I can't because he's on the phone. If I don't answer it he'll keep ringing and question me. He doesn't believe for one second that I love him.

I've been miserable for a long time, I love him, he loves me, but no matter what I do it doesn't convince him, I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

He was taken into hospital a few days ago. It's a common complaint but serious if not treated. He's very depressed. I feel totally selfish because although I'm worried about him....I'm loving time to myself.

It's so nice to be able to lie on the sofa, not keep getting up to get things for him, I'm exhausted mentally and physically. When he's here I don't get to sit down for ten minutes. I spend all day cleaning, then look after the kids and wait on him.

I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship.

I love him, he loves me....too much maybe. I can walk away, he can't, he'll beg and plead and cry.

Tonight has been great, kids in bed, mum on iPad, TV on, slobbing on the sofa. No drama. No one telling me to sort my nails, my hair .

Controlling men as well do not let go of his victims (and the plural is deliberate here) easily. You will likely have a very hard time in getting him out and may well even have to resort to legal means (he could well start harassing you once he knows you mean business in getting him out of your life).

He doesn't believe for one second that I love him.
His mum is the only person he listens to and respects.

So be very clear and it won't break his heart when you finish with him.

Because when you talk of guilt, tht is something you'd feel kicking a puppy, or trampling over someone who has done their level best to make you happy.

It shouldn't be *guilt at feeling relieved at being away from someone who is such hard work.

So this is a manifestation of OCD where he can't wait on himself in the evenings, is it? Or where he is entitled to have a go at your hair and nails? If it's genuinely stressful for him being in a house with pets and children, why doesn't he spend more time at his own house? If he's obsessed with cleaning, how come you're doing it all?!

Cop on to yourself. Best case scenario is that this man needs time apart to deal with his mental illness. But the reality is that he sounds incredibly controlling and you don't feel able to challenge it because you think it all comes under the heading of OCD.

YY to controlling people not letting go. My split was utterly horrid, and is being dragged out every which way legally, costing me ££££s. You are not married, if you split, he has no reason to remain in your life. I would walk away while it is still 'easy'.

Thanks for the messages, this is the first chance ive had to reply. I honestly cant get a minute to myself usually. Ive actually had to wait until I know for a fact he's miles away. I am going to end the relationship, I dont know how much more I can take. It's getting ridiculous now, to the point if im in the toilet too long he will get himself into a mood....how can anyone live like this?

They can't! Or at least, not if they want to keep their sanity! Ending it is the right way to go, for both you and your daughter, I hope he makes it easy for your sake, but if needs be, get legal reinforcement if the NC until he gets it and leaves you well alone x

Thinking about it, this is a prime example. he's hundreds of miles away and still i feel on edge. I feel like im doing something wrong chatting here. This shouldnt cause me anxiety but it really does. If i use the computer in front of him he throws a strop and says im being rude, if i check fb.... So i dont.....i wait until hes upstairs, and then he says im sneaking around.

There's so many things, im just on edge all the time. If im too long at the shop hes waiting for me on the doorstep, if i dont answer a call he wants to know why.

ive called it a day before and ive found him lurking in my garden, looking through my windows. He rings my mum, he rings my kids, threatens me, not physically, more along the lines of calling ss etc. when he comes begging full of remorse, if i let him in to talk he takes my things, if i dont he causes a big fuss in front of the kids. I cant win.

Dump him...and if he hangs around ur garden and takes your stuff, call the police. He sounds deranged.

i long for my life back, i was a single mum and it was hard work but its so much worse now. being watched all of the time, questioned, threatened....

I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship

Learn this phrase - "Bye, Mister."

I read it somewhere.

Get rid of him, he's making your life hard.

Once more, having read this thread, I have to say thank heavens for mumsnet.

You originally posted in July. It's now three months on. You could be three months into your independent, relaxed life if you'd dumped him in the summer.

Don't waste more time on this emotional abuser will you?

3 months to reply OP?

You know what you need to do. Just end it and log any lurking in the garden by calling 999

He sounds like my Ex. Some of the behaviours rubbed off on me and I was still twitching a bit, a year after I left him. I moved in with him and he tried to get me to Hoover my dog because he couldn't stand the hairs. He used to pretend her hairs were in his food (if it was something I had made) he would fake find a dog hair and go into a big drama about getting it out of his mouth. I called him on it and insisted on seeing it and he wouldn't show it to me. This was just one of about a thousand similar belittling, controlling tricks and guilt lay ons the bastard used to do. I think he is still single. For your sanity, release him back into the wild, let someone else have the pleasure.

You need to end this and get your life back.

You're miserable, exhausted, fed up. You want to end it, he's controlling, demanding, rude, obsessive. Why would you want that around your children? He sounds literally unbearable. You don't want to end it - why? Because you love him? Do you honestly? It doesn't sound like you do. Because he loves you? No, he's obsessed with controlling you. That's not love. Because he will be upset and probably abusive? Don't give him the opportunity. You are not responsible for his happiness and you don't owe him a relationship.

Life is too short, and you and your children deserve much better.