Please tell me what I already know

[opalescent]

Dp has been messaging another woman, again. He's hugely untrustworthy, as well as being extremely jealous and paranoid. After confronting him this time, he has left the house and not returned for 5 days. He says he's afraid to face me in case 'it's all over'. I know he's just hiding because he can never face what he's done. He doesn't have it in him to make amends, comfort me or try to explain himself. I should add that in this 5 days he's made no attempt to see our son. Give me the strength to turn my back and stop feeling lonely and rejected..

Where's he been for 5 days?
You CAN do better than this.
He's a fucking coward and crap partner.

Come on love, you can do better than this

the man is a gutless snake and no example at all for your son

Gone for 5 days? You know you need to make that permanent.

Staying with family. He's probably told them I won't let him home.
His messaging is low level stuff,but always suggestive and flirty, and totally inappropriate for someone who is settled with a family. He constantly needs ego boosts wherever he can get them. It's pathetic really.

You're bound to feel lonely and rejected - it will pass, but it will hurt like hell in the meantime. If by "turn my back" you mean move on with your life without a jealous, unfaithful dick involved then yes, you do need to do that. It can be done, I promise. You'll be OK.

Pathetic. (Him, not you.) Do you seriously think you deserve someone who does a five-day runner to avoid dealing with their weakness and lack of backbone? Do you seriously think your son deserves this?

No-one deserves that. Kick him to the curb, restore your dignity, sanity. You know what to do.

He's so manipulative. Never behaves how you would expect. If I catch him out, I never get to rant and rave at him, because he just disappears. He actually told me on this occasion that HE would come home when I was ready to 'talk and not row'. It's laughable!

Make no mistake...his 5 day absence is him living it up and/or waiting for things to blow over so he can come back and carry on in exactly the same way.

That should be never then?

Well done on not caving. Let him stew and stay away until he realized what he has throw away.

I do think he's waiting for it to blow over. Thankyou all, this helps.

I think he's treated me so badly that my tolerance levels are all over the place.

I'd bet that his behaviour has been worse than usual over the last five days. Live like a single man for a week and then come back with his tail between his legs confident that you will take him back. He sounds pathetic.

I agree with the others, more or less. I do need to ask though (just to try and see the other side of this, too, just a bit): what does he say for himself, how does he explain his absences? Does he have any explanation?

There was a time when I would have dealt with someone like this quickly and easily. But I have no backbone anymore, and feel like I don't know which way is up

He sounds like a complete and total arse.

"He actually told me on this occasion that HE would come home when I was ready to 'talk and not row'

That'll be the twelfth of never then, won't it?

Stillloving again, manipulative. Obviously when I found the messages, I told him to 'pack his stuff' over the phone. He then clings onto this one, angry comment, doggedly, and refuses any discussion about his leaving. Simply says 'you told me to leave- I have'. He'll ignore all my subsequent messages asking when he's going to face us, talk to me etc.
He kind of turns the situation on its head, so that I am feeling abandoned, rather than proud to have kicked the fucker out.
He's like a brick wall, impossible to have a rational conversation with.

He actually told me on this occasion that HE would come home when I was ready to 'talk and not row'. It's laughable!
Please listen to what he's actually saying.
He's saying "when you learn to shut the F up and not have the audacity to be unhappy with my behaviour, I'll grace you with my presence and then continue doing exactly what I want."

It does feel as if the two of you find it really hard to communicate & clearly you feel very hurt by these messages. And I absolutely understand that leaving for 5 days is quite excessive--even though it is true that you told him to leave (albeit it in a moment of anger). Can I ask though what these messages are & to whom they are sent?

Cat kisser- yes!

I used to live with a 'runner'. So frustrating that I felt like killing him when he left the house rather than face whatever shitty thing he'd done. I'll say one thing for his absence though-it means you can bag up all his stuff in peace, and leave it in the garage. Tell him to pick it up and bugger off. He will never change by the sounds of it.

It's what I did, and I've never looked back.

Stillloving, flirtatious messages to a friend of mine. Who clearly is not so much of a friend. Sometimes chatty, other times clearly casting out a line and trying to turn the conversation to something more interesting.
This is not the first time though. Just under a year ago I discovered that he had joined a smutty niche dating website. He had not met anyone,but had sent loads of v sexual messages out. This was 'stupid curiosity'.
I realise I am making myself sound utterly stupid

Oh you're not making yourself sound stupid, please don't think that. It just sounds like your boundaries are horribly skewed (which you seem to know anyway.)
It's awful being made out to be the instigator of problems by him twisting it. (YOU were the one who said get out, YOUVE done this to us) etc.
but there are so many posters who have called their crap partners' bluff and gone solo and have never once regretted it.

What CatKisser said.

Start investigating your rights & entitlements, you are going to need them before too long because even if he gets away with it this time, he will do it again. You do realise that don't you?

I also wouldn't like these messages...but I also wonder how you saw these messages he sent to your friend? It's something private to him, after all: did you look on his phone? Was his behaviour impacting on your relationship in other ways?

I hope you don't feel I'm accusing you...it's just that sometimes we all have a private moment of this or that which doesn't necessarily mean we are not committed to our relationships. I'm not saying this is what's happening here. It may be that things are bad between you in many other ways.

The only way you'd sound "utterly stupid", opal, is if you let him back in your home and your life. You and your son deserve much, much better than this.