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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tonight and tomorrow

58 replies

justhelpme · 13/07/2014 03:51

I feel so sick. I'm a MNer. I'm a good and strong woman. Friends and etc would be shocked to hear me say this.

No one (?) will be up. I have to say I've had a lot to drink tonight and this is a 'help me handle the next few hours' until he leaves in the morning. I think he'll just go but i will be left with some really unpleasant feelings. We do not live together. It is a very new relationship and there is no substance to what has happened between us other than his declarations and my need to stay grounded.

I am not in any danger. This is a how do I get him out of my life in the morning when we are both sober with the most dignity I can muster given everything he has said - and suddenly withdrawn and has turned against me within a moment. I can explain if need be but please help if you can.

OP posts:
Original poster
justhelpme · 13/07/2014 09:58

He has just left. And no, we will not be together tomorrow or at any other time.

Yes we were drunk. It had been a great evening and it came out of the blue, completely out of the blue. I'm not drunk now, I've had some sleep. I did like him, but I'm not someone who falls in love at the drop of a hat. I can see my initial posts read like a stupid drunken woman who loves drama. But if you knew me you would know I'm not. I have no idea if he'll send me a long wordy email later today or tomorrow (he is given to such things) but I have deleted his number and all other emails and wouldn't respond if he does. He wanted to make himself some toast before he left on the long drive home. I said I wanted him to leave. Fucking cheek of the man.

All I feel now is sick. Sick and tired. Thank you.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 13/07/2014 09:59

He doesn't sound very nice. Drink or not it sounds like he picked on that one point and tried to make you feel terrible. "Liar" is a bit string and a big deal to label somebody as one. You may not have been totally open (from his point if view) but liar is a strong word.

Sack him off and leave it at that.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 13/07/2014 10:08

Glad you're ok and taken control, OP

Like I said earlier, lucky escape for you, you saw his true colours just in time.

Sorry it turned out that way, be kind to yourself and take time to get over this break up, are you able to get out and do something positive today?

TalisaMaegyr · 13/07/2014 10:16

I really don't understand this thread Confused

So you've been going out with this bloke for a while, and suddenly he's accused you of being a liar because you smoke and you said you didn't? Is that right?

tribpot · 13/07/2014 10:20

This sounds very much like he was testing you. To see how desperate you were to be with someone that you'd put up with him blowing up a massive row over a perceived flaw and whether you'd beg him to give you another chance. Well fuck that noise. You were quite clear from the beginning that you smoked (and I agree, if you'd said on your dating profiler you were a smoker rather than a trying-to-quitter (a) a lot of people would have been put off, I would never date a smoker for example and (b) it would have increased the likelihood that the people who wanted a date would also be smokers, which wouldn't help your resolve).

But it's not like he just found out you're a smoker. He has known all along. So this sounds like a manufactured row designed to undermine you.

Tell a friend what has happened, and when his wordy email (no doubt full of self-pity and recriminations and telling you how much you have hurt him) arrives, forward it to the friend without reading. Friend can summarise without you having to endure it yet.

This full-on pursuit of you followed by random blow-up does not sound healthy. However much he tries to persuade you you are in the wrong, you aren't.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/07/2014 10:28

Sounds like a stupid drunken row to me. And yes op you did sound like a drunken drama lama (as did he!)

Hope you're ok this morning but really...

ExcuseTypos · 13/07/2014 10:33

Glad you've got rid of him Op. he sounds a knobSmile

wellcoveredsparerib · 13/07/2014 10:34

I agree with tribpot - he is playing a game. If it hadnt been the smoking thing it would be something else - real or imagined. He has a need to manipulate. When the email comes (probably suggesting he is disappointed but willing to give you another chance) dont reply.

If you do continue a relationship with him I bet this will be the first of many such evenings with him.

Fairenuff · 13/07/2014 10:42

He wanted you to apologise for not making it absolutely clear that you smoked (even though you did).

He wanted you to promise that you would stop smoking. If it hadn't been this, he would have found fault with something else.

Hopefully you have seen the last of him. Block and ignore.

Original poster
justhelpme · 13/07/2014 11:06

Thank you. Well, I don't play games, I don't claim to have feelings that I don't have and I don't make false promises. He knew all this. I was totally honest with him, given that the online dating profile thing doesn't give the option I needed for someone to see without reading my full profile (in which I clearly stated I am a smoker who is trying to stop).

He knew. But it doesn't matter.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 13/07/2014 12:10

OP I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but please believe me you have had a lucky escape.

I had a relationship very similar to this with a man who pursued me and "couldn't believe" how lucky he was to be with me. He did all the Future Faking stuff to make me think he was serious and was really full on.

I was very wary, but of course, after about four months, including the enormous bunches of flowers, I let my guard down and fell for him. The second he realised he had me, he didn't want me any more.

I ended up at his house for the weekend, slightly drunk, with him pulling a similar stunt. I couldn't get home and had to stay overnight ( he slept in spare room) and it was just sickening. If it hadn't been the smoking he would have just made up something else to throw in your face.

He tried to get me back over and over but I knew he was just manipulative and basically fucked up - won't go into the details as will sidetrack from your thread.

What really helped me was Baggage Reclaim which gives fabulous advice and support.

Don't get sucked back in!!

loopylady83 · 13/07/2014 19:20

how did it go?

loopylady83 · 13/07/2014 19:21

ignore previous post soz

lettertoherms · 13/07/2014 19:51

I agree it sounds like a lucky escape. Ticks many boxes for potential emotional abuser.

Put his email address into your spam blacklist.

Original poster
justhelpme · 13/07/2014 20:02

I have blocked and/or deleted all ways of contact. Unfortunately the email block just sends messages to the trash but I wouldn't reply anyway.

Lucky escape, yes.

OP posts:
notdonethisbefore · 13/07/2014 20:04

Having just read this all now I wanted to say I could feel your pain as you typed those messages. I didnt think you sounded like a drunk woman at all - just a shocked hurt one in a situation not of her making. Am glad it was clean as such this morning and I am sorry its happened to you and hope you are ok

TheWorldAccordingToJC · 13/07/2014 20:08

Good god woman! He's not for you - talk about high drama over fuck all.

So he can't be with you because you lied. Well good for him... He's made that clear and that's the end of it

He sounds controlling to me. And this sounds like you've been together five minutes and it would all be shit anyway in the end

Relationships don't need to be like this. Fuck him off and find somebody less volatile and weird

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 14/07/2014 06:55

I think it was a lucky escape for both of you to be quite frank.

Original poster
justhelpme · 14/07/2014 08:47

Thank you Granny but I think you have misunderstood me - this was an event which happened at the weekend and I behaved totally out of character. I'd never usually post such a 'dramatic' thing but I was very upset and didn't know what to do (and, I had had too much to drink, something I very rarely do).

But I have had a long email this morning from him. In a nutshell:

He loves me and always will etc

He had said it out of frustration and hoped I'd put up a fight Hmm

It wasn't the smoking per se - He'd thought I was distant all evening (he had asked a couple of searching question about my thoughts about my future and I didn't answer the way he wanted because it was too soon for me to be getting heavily involved and I had told him that repeatedly)

He is torn in two Hmm again

I don't have to reply, he knows what I'll say

etc etc.

I'm not going to reply. It's a manipulative game. Now I've had time to think about it he wasn't right for me (and you are right on at least one of your observations Granny).

OP posts:
JennyOnTheBlocks · 14/07/2014 08:53

Stay strong, delete that email asap and any further ones he might send.

You didn't follow the rules of his game, he means.

Congratulations and well done, relationships should never be about games Thanks

magoria · 14/07/2014 08:57

Tribot and yourself are spot on. It is manipulation and a test. Well done for seeing it (even with drink involved) and being strong enough to be yourself.

Now you are that strong why are you still smoking... Wink

Original poster
justhelpme · 14/07/2014 09:04

Blush magoria I have patches and I'm about to apply one.

OP posts:
GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 14/07/2014 10:21

Well hopefully when you described yourself as a 'good and strong woman' it was the drink talking because between that and his antics - you both sound like a right pair.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 10:41

I totally agree granny. The title of the post and your user name are really rather dramatic and totally OTT for the situation. I think both of you need to learn not to argue when you're plastered. It always ends in tears

Hissy · 14/07/2014 12:09

How long has this relationship been going on?

He loves me and always will etc

Erm, what?

You really do need to keep him WELL away from you and your life.

If you are not good enough for him as you are, HE'S not good enough for you. You didn't lie, you know this and he's a loon.

IF you want to give up, why not try eCigs, or better try the gum. i found patches bloody useless, the gum is more controllable. Most of the guys I work with have switched to eCigs and they couldn't be happier.