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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To ask for help here as I'm desperate and have no one?

46 replies

Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 15:38

My husband is a nasty bastard. There, I said it. I know this, but I'm so pathetic I haven't got it in me to leave. What is wrong with me?

I need breast surgery that will result in small, possibly deformed breasts with a lot of scarring. They're deformed now, but my health is at stake without the op. In recent weeks (and actually, throughout our marriage) my husband has referred to women with 'no tits' as disgusting, men, not at a womanly and other pleasantries. He later denies saying any of this, or I misunderstood him.

At times he is the loveliest man in the world, he works full time and I'm a SAHM, but he does loads to help in the house, let's me have lay ins every weekend. (Youngish baby who wakes at night) Let's me spend what I want. But he is insanely jealous (I added a friend request on Facebook and within five mins he'd text asking who it was) and although he mostly tries to hide it, he doesn't really like me having my own life outside the family. I recently started helping a charity for half a day a week and he can be a bit abrasive about it, although he doesn't actually say anything.

There have been a few episodes of violence a long time ago. If I mention this at any time he says 'oh yes, I'm a wife beater, aren't i?' And resents me mentioning it. He hasn't been violent for years now, but does use physical aggression during arguements, walking fast up to me and shouting in my face, for example. In the most recent he called me a disgusting slut. I'm not completely innocent, I name call back and shout back, sometimes i instigate the rows. In fact, maybe I mostly do.

I find life hard. I've recently started wondering if I could be bipolar. I've had repeated episodes of depression throughout my whole life, but I do have periods where I feel extremely positive about my future and am happy. More and more lately I think about dying, but my children need me. Maybe they're better off without me, I don't know.

I had a row with my husband last night. He left, well, I asked him to leave. I phoned him and asked him to look after the children this morning as I had something to do. He didn't answer my repeated calls, but turned up half an hour later. So he must have ignored my calls deliberately. He has ignored me all day, I've been in bed, I feel dreadful, now taken our DD out. I tried to reach out to him before he left, but he told me he hates me, I'm disgusting and he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like total shit and I've reached for the wine... I don't normally drink much at all. Sad

He will bring our DD back later and just go out to his work thing as planned. He won't give a shit if I'm upset or what state I'm in.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 12/07/2014 15:41
Thanks

So sorry to read all of this - how v hard for you.

Could you contact Woman's Aid for some advice?
Have a look at the Freedom Program?

I think from your OP you do actually know what you need to do for your sake and your DCs' sake, but you are not quite there yet.

Keep posting.
V wise people will be along.

PacificDogwood · 12/07/2014 15:42

YANBU of course, but maybe repost your OP in 'Relationship' where the expert advice is available in difficult situations like yours.

Selks · 12/07/2014 15:44

I would ask for this thread to be moved to the relationships board....you could do with some genuine support over this.
AIBU can be supportive but is often too 'feisty' a board for these issues.

OP, clearly you are not feeling great in yourself and may not be feeling too strong at the moment, but I would say that this relationship sounds positively damaging to your well-being. Look after yourself and think about ending this relationship for good. Relationships should bring positive things to your life, not abuse, heartache and upset. You are worth more than this.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 15:45

It sounds utterly exhausting and depressing.

Have you tried relationship counselling?

Selks · 12/07/2014 15:56

Thingy, relationship counselling is not recommended where there is or has been abuse between the couple.

MamaLazarou · 12/07/2014 16:00

YANBU! You are not disgusting, you are not a slut and you deserve to be loved.

I wish I could help you.

ThingyTheBusCleaner · 12/07/2014 16:11

Do you want to stay with him OP?

If you're not sure, what about counselling on your own?

myusernameis · 12/07/2014 16:12

First things first, can I just say your children will not be better off without you. However low you may feel they love you and need you. Remember that please. I really recommend you speak to a doctor or your health visitor about how you are feeling. There is help available out there so don't be afraid to ask for it.

You have a lot to deal with right now. The surgery alone is a lot but combined with young children, especially if the baby isn't sleeping well, and a husband who doesn't sound very nice.. That is a lot to handle so please do ask for help.

As for your husband, well he doesn't sound like he's being very supportive. I don't know your relationship obviously so I can't really judge it. He does sound like he has a lot of bad points though. He might not hit you anymore but he does sound unacceptably aggressive and abusive. Maybe once you have the operation out the way and have a bit more time to yourself, you can have a real think about what you want and what is best for you and your family.

Xx

Calloh · 12/07/2014 16:35

Of course your children aren't better off without you. That will never be the case.

Do you love your husband and do you think he loves you? If the answer to both of those is yes and you still want to be with him then have a calm conversation with him about the name-calling and how you can work better as a team and support each other.

But OP the breast thing sounds really terrible. Women with misshapen breasts are still women, still beautiful that is so patently obvious that it shouldn't need to be said. I would discuss this with him and if he couldn't see this I don't think I could possibly conceive of a future with him.

I really hope you get the result you want.

With regard to the going out to a work thing - my DH would be able to do this, it's not a sign of not caring, it's compartmentalising. But you know your husband and I don't.

I hope you feel lighter of heart soon Flowers

awsomer · 12/07/2014 16:42

You need need need to go to the GP. Be honest and frank. Most importantly do not let them fob you off with a suggestion you organise your own counselling, be firm and tell them you need their help. Accept to be put on a waiting list though.

Help is out there. You can do it, you just need a bit of support xx

MistressDeeCee · 12/07/2014 16:56

This relationship is and will further damage your physical and emotional health. I also think this thread should be moved to relationships.

Please, please dont let this man ruin your life and leave you a shell of a woman, instead of the focused and contented woman you could be without an emotional abuser in your life. No man is worth it, no man is worth more than you for the sake of being a companion, and a father to your children. It is also a terrible atmosphere for DCs to grow up in - children have eyes, ears and feelings, and come into awareness of situations quicker than we often think.

You are ill and he is unsupportive. How many more years of this? How many of your good years is he going to take from you? Can you imagine the next 5 years? 10? 20?

You dont deserve this.

LiberalLibertines · 12/07/2014 17:04

He sounds like an utter twat.

Do you want to stay with him?

He's a controlling bully, regardless of what problems you have.

However, you do sound like you need help regardless of what you do about him.

Go to your doctor.

And yes, relationships would probably be a better place for this x

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 12/07/2014 17:18

Go to your GP. Being depressed and unsupported is terrible.
He sounds like a shit husband but a good father. He can be a good father without being your husband.

Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 17:20

Thankyou. He's come back and had a go at me. He's the victim here apparently.

A friend has text and I've told her a bit. She's suggested collecting me and we'll go out so I can just forget about it and let my hair down. Yet I feel guilty and if I did that I'd have to literally sneak out of the house. It would give me some space to think though.

OP posts:
Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 17:21

He loves the children more than anything, he really does.

OP posts:
weatherall · 12/07/2014 17:22

Please contact women's aid for support.

He's an abusive arse and you deserve to be loved.

PinkSquash · 12/07/2014 17:25

Go out, you need and deserve to have time to yourself, space to think. If you feel you can trust your friend do open up to her.

KateSMumsnet · 12/07/2014 17:37

We'll move this to Relationships for you now OP, as we think it's the most appropriate place for it Flowers

LumpySpacedPrincess · 12/07/2014 17:38

You poor love. He is abusive and your life with him will only get worse I'm afraid. You owe it to yourself and your kids to ask him to leave. Speak to your friend.

Deverethemuzzler · 12/07/2014 17:47

He is supposed to love his children.
Its not an achievement.

Love, if you feel the need to point out that a father loves his kids it sound like you are scrabbling around for something good to say about him.

You sound so unhappy. He says those horrible things to keep you in your place, where he can continue to control you.

So he gives you money and does stuff around the house? Great but he does it because he wants to. As soon as you ask him to do something he ignores you.

If he is a good dad he can be a good dad without you having to live with him and put up with the grind of emotional abuse.

I really hope you can get some help. I don't know what to suggest so I hope others can help you Flowers

Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 17:52

Ridiculously, I think I feel too guilty to leave the house and meet my friend. He says he's cancelled going to the work thing now. He wouldn't think twice about walking out if it suited him, so why do I feel like I should stay and try and sort things out?

OP posts:
wallypops · 12/07/2014 17:52

Really think how much better it will be without him. Living in peace, having periods of completely free time, without the kids too - which will really aid your recovery. Separating seems like such a mountain but it is so much better than being unhappy. I have never once regretted divorcing my EA ex. It's been 6 years of happiness without him - without any man. You really need help - and he is never ever going to give you what you need.

I suspect that unhappiness causes illness.

Deverethemuzzler · 12/07/2014 18:04

The less you go out, the more you stay in the house, the harder it is to remember who you are and what you are capable of.

I am really not one to say LTB within a few posts but your relationship sounds so sad and unhappy.

I wonder how you would feel after a few weeks of respite from life with your husband?

HumblePieMonster · 12/07/2014 18:15

Women's Aid. Domestic Violence unit. Read up on them, talk to them.
You'll be better placed to make decisions if you know what kind of support might be available.
I'm not telling you to leave him. But it doesn't sound like a good environment in which you and your child/ren can flourish.

Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 18:27

Thankyou. I've known for a long time that the day would come when I would need to leave. I'm going to go out with my friend and stay at hers for now at least, although probably just until tomorrow night. DH is adamant this is all my fault, that I'm emotionally manipulating him when I try and talk about my feelings and say I've thought about dying, but I'm not. I want him to realise how bad this all is, but I don't think he cares. He says he doesn't care. He says it's over.

I'm terrified, but I think I can almost feel relief creeping in too. It feels strange.

OP posts: