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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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To ask for help here as I'm desperate and have no one?

46 replies

Someonepleasehelp · 12/07/2014 15:38

My husband is a nasty bastard. There, I said it. I know this, but I'm so pathetic I haven't got it in me to leave. What is wrong with me?

I need breast surgery that will result in small, possibly deformed breasts with a lot of scarring. They're deformed now, but my health is at stake without the op. In recent weeks (and actually, throughout our marriage) my husband has referred to women with 'no tits' as disgusting, men, not at a womanly and other pleasantries. He later denies saying any of this, or I misunderstood him.

At times he is the loveliest man in the world, he works full time and I'm a SAHM, but he does loads to help in the house, let's me have lay ins every weekend. (Youngish baby who wakes at night) Let's me spend what I want. But he is insanely jealous (I added a friend request on Facebook and within five mins he'd text asking who it was) and although he mostly tries to hide it, he doesn't really like me having my own life outside the family. I recently started helping a charity for half a day a week and he can be a bit abrasive about it, although he doesn't actually say anything.

There have been a few episodes of violence a long time ago. If I mention this at any time he says 'oh yes, I'm a wife beater, aren't i?' And resents me mentioning it. He hasn't been violent for years now, but does use physical aggression during arguements, walking fast up to me and shouting in my face, for example. In the most recent he called me a disgusting slut. I'm not completely innocent, I name call back and shout back, sometimes i instigate the rows. In fact, maybe I mostly do.

I find life hard. I've recently started wondering if I could be bipolar. I've had repeated episodes of depression throughout my whole life, but I do have periods where I feel extremely positive about my future and am happy. More and more lately I think about dying, but my children need me. Maybe they're better off without me, I don't know.

I had a row with my husband last night. He left, well, I asked him to leave. I phoned him and asked him to look after the children this morning as I had something to do. He didn't answer my repeated calls, but turned up half an hour later. So he must have ignored my calls deliberately. He has ignored me all day, I've been in bed, I feel dreadful, now taken our DD out. I tried to reach out to him before he left, but he told me he hates me, I'm disgusting and he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like total shit and I've reached for the wine... I don't normally drink much at all. Sad

He will bring our DD back later and just go out to his work thing as planned. He won't give a shit if I'm upset or what state I'm in.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 12/07/2014 18:31

If it's over then he won't be fussed about you going away for a few days will he?

superstarheartbreaker · 12/07/2014 19:02

Errrr...why are so many of you encouraging op to stay with this nasty piece of work? Love is not enough op. He is violent, he is 'insanely jealous ' he is making you feel bad about a breast op. What a twat he is. Women's aid could help op.

Deverethemuzzler · 12/07/2014 19:04

Are you posting on the wrong thread super Confused

Egghead68 · 12/07/2014 19:07

Do call Women's Aid.

Selks · 12/07/2014 19:09

OP, this feels horrible and scary right now, the thought of splitting up. But already you can feel a sense of relief creeping in as you say. Once you have actually split, properly finished the relationship, this sense of relief will grow and grow...it will feel like a huge weight has lifted off your shoulders and you will wonder why you didn't end it sooner (but don't beat yourself up about that...abusive relationships are complex and sometimes difficult to leave.

You will feel SO much better though once you have your freedom...freedom to breathe....no need to keep worrying what he thinks...being able to make your own choices and please yourself...being able to relax of an evening...being able to attend to your own mental health and emotional wellbeing without the drain of his issues...being able to finally relax... This will all come for you, OP. Stay strong and think towards a future free from this stress and upset.

PacificDogwood · 12/07/2014 19:32

He's told you it's over.
You feel a sense of relief creeping in to the dread.

Listen to him one more time and, more importantly, listen to what you are feeling.

Have a look at the online sample of The Freedom Program

I hope you make it out with your friend and find yourself a tiny bit again. Then it's just one step at a time, one breath at a time and one day at a time.

lowcarbforthewin · 12/07/2014 19:46

It always makes me so sad reading threads like these. Did anything happen to you that a man calling you a disgusting slut doesn't make you utterly furious and actively make plans to leave. It's a dreadful way to treat someone.

It must be hard to think of leaving, but there is support out there and I promise you life will get better. Just the jealousy must be exhausting and it will be lovely to not have to worry about your actions upsetting him.

Someonepleasehelp · 13/07/2014 10:56

Thankyou so much for the support. I did go out with my friend and I even got chatted up. Obviously I'm not in the slightest bit interested in anyone else, but I have to admit, it was a nice ego boost. It was a fun night all round and I stayed at my friends and we're going into town for shopping and lunch today.

Me going out and staying out has provoked a dreadful response from my DH. I did text drunkenly at 4am saying I loved him, which he ignored. He's now accusing me of having slept with someone else and saying not to come back to the house etc. he also says he's spoken to work (army) and arranged a room to stay in and to start officially separating, which of course affects our home. I don't know if any of that is true or if he is just angry and reacting as he doesn't have me where he wants me, but although I'm sure I'm in for a rough ride in the coming weeks and months, I just want to enjoy a child free and relaxing day today. I'll deal with the rest of it later.

OP posts:
coalscuttle · 13/07/2014 11:02

Absolutely no to relationship counselling. He is still violent op, he might not actually hit you any more but he is violent towards you. I haven't read everyone elses replies. Read Lundy Bancroft if you can, and talk to womens aid. And don't think your depression might be the cause of your relationship problems, it sounds like it is the other way round.

PacificDogwood · 13/07/2014 11:19

Glad to hear you had a good night Smile

Do not let him manipulate you, get support on board.
I know we all sound like a broken record, but do consider contacting Women's Aid
You need legal, practical (housing) and maybe financial help - get it; take the initiative back and YOU start making the moves.

Enjoy your day today.

Hissy · 13/07/2014 11:52

Please, please, please LET him move out, start the process of leaving.

I know this means with the army there are implications with your housing, but if you speak to welfare, they will be able to help you and point you in the direction of those who can help you get free of this man.

I gave a speech a couple of years ago to Officers in Aldershot on the subject of DV and how they can support victims of Domestic Abuse (which is precisely what you are suffering)

If you're in/near aldershot, let me know as I can also recommend you to a charity group for victims of domestic abuse, the leader of which knows exactly what you're going through as she was in a similar situation many years ago.

Gfplux · 13/07/2014 14:13

Domestic violence is not just physical violence.

Someonepleasehelp · 13/07/2014 15:15

Thankyou. I'm not near Aldershot sadly. Having known how welfare have recently dealt with marriage breakups, I very much doubt they'll deal with it sympathetically. Misogyny is rife in the army sadly.

He is insisting I've slept with someone else, because I hadn't gone back this morning he text me saying I was 'still at it' and 'disgusting'. He also says he's arranged a room to stay in and is leaving today. I don't feel like I can cope on my own with the children, I feel panicky just thinking about it. I wish I hadn't come back home in a way. He is asleep. Well, pretending to be asleep I suspect, just to drag the psychological torture out longer.

I know letting him leave is the right thing to do and I doubt I'd be able to stop him anyway, as he'll want 'revenge' for me going out last night. I just don't think I can cope. Sad

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 13/07/2014 16:28

You will cope.
And, I suspect, far better than you now think.

Let him go and feel the weight be lifted off your shoulders.

Selks · 17/07/2014 01:20

How are things, OP?

Someonepleasehelp · 19/07/2014 15:24

Well surprise surprise he didn't leave and now we've had another row after he'd let the DC ruin a toy while he was looking after them this morning and because I said I was sick of all the toys getting ruined, he started shouting and swearing at me in front of the DC and threw the toy across the room. Sad

I can't carry on like this. I wish I had the strength to leave, I know I need to but I just can't face it. He's left for now, although he says yet again that it's over. Presumably he didn't want to risk a repeat of last week where it's him who's the one at home looking after the kids by himself not knowing where I was or what I was doing. Funny how he doesn't like it when the boot is firmly on the other foot, isn't it?!

Someone from the Army Welfare service is coming next week, I'm going to discuss this with them in full to find out what my options are.

OP posts:
BelleOfTheBorstal · 19/07/2014 15:33

Have you contracted womens aid? They really would be of great help to you.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 19/07/2014 15:34

Contacted, even!

Someonepleasehelp · 19/07/2014 15:36

I spoke to them before, they didn't really seem interested unless I'd already made the decision to leave tbh. They seemed to offer practical advice only, not emotional. Is that the norm?

OP posts:
BelleOfTheBorstal · 19/07/2014 17:44

I don't really know. Have you been to your gp?

Someonepleasehelp · 20/07/2014 22:24

I haven't yet, but I really need to. I am going to make an appointment for next week if possible.

He has moved out. It was his decision and I am devastated, but I'm starting to feel a tiny glimmer that maybe it's a good thing. I think he thinks he can just move in again when he wants to, but I'm going to try my absolute best to be strong and not let that happen.

I help at an animal rescue and I wasn't sure I felt up to going today. He came to look after the DC, so I went and helped at the rescue. It felt good. The rescue is closing sadly, so the few animals that remain are being moved to other rescues over the course of the next week. I would like to take on two of the small animals and I know he wouldn't 'let' me. I have told him I am considering it and that if he has left that it's really my decision alone. It feels liberating to be able to make a decision all by myself, but is suspect that if I do then he will be absolutely furious. He has already tried to say I can't take them and that the army won't allow it, he still pays the rent etc etc. I know it's not a good time to take on any more animals, but they can live with the animals I already have (same type) and so it's not such a massive deal.

I made him give his key back tonight too. He tried the 'I pay the rent' line, but I said if he has moved out he doesn't need a key.

This is so hard. I am sat here crying typing this. It hurts that he doesn't want me. There's not even anyone else, he just can't stand me. I've been let down by so many people in my life and I wonder if its me. There must be something wrong with me. I'm still not sure if I'll god up begging him to comeback, but I'm trying so hard to be strong, I know in my head that it's best if it ends. I need to keep telling myself that.

OP posts:
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