Affair of the heart

[Awfullyconfused]

DH and I have been together 7 years and have 3 DC. We have had problems in our relationship for the past 2 years and I keep wondering how I can leave him, I don't think I could afford to.

I've met a man, totally out of the blue and I don't think I've ever met anyone I have as much in common with. There's a huge amount of chemistry between us, I've honestly never felt like this.

He's married with a baby. It's an abusive relationship, she regularly attacks him, screams at him and went for him with an iron recently. He says she has issues and feels sorry for her, which is why he's stayed so long, things can be okay for a while, then it all just starts again. Since their baby was born 6 months ago it's got worse, but he can't leave as is supporting her financially.

Nothing physical has happened between is, we talk about how we feel about each other but decided that we need to end our relationships before anything moves forward with us.

Neither of us a sure what to do, it's so complicated. We're under no illusions that it will all end happily for us and we will get married as soon as we leave our respective partners. Any advice?

Collateral Damage? Affair of the heart?

Christ Almighty.

basgeti EXACTLY!!

The wives are always crazy but funnily enough the husbands are always happy to leave 90% of the upbringing of the children to them.

Funny that.

I can't actually believe there are women out there who fall for this shit!

To be fair to the OP- this is not a physical relationship so far.

Her DH is supposedly a drunken bully.
The OM's wife is not beating the baby ( he says she is abusive to him and even that- as many have pointed out- may be an exaggeration.)

So some of the comments are becoming a bit hysterical.

I don't think it's remotely helpful to scream 'Liar, Scarlet Woman...'

The OP asked for advice, not stone throwing.

Is it not possible to give advice and support without being so judgemental?
Doesn't look like it.

I'm not defending her behaviour but I think there needs to be a sense of proportion as to what has actually happened.

What I find really sad on Mumsnet is the acceptance of failing relationships and the constant advice to leave them and move on. A committed relationship is hard work and will not always feel like it is working. That is why when you get married,you declare,in front of all the people who mean anything to you, that WHATEVER happens in life , be it financial worries,ill health, 'for better for worse' etc. you will work through it. Obviously if your partner is beating you up or being unfaithful then getting out is what is needed, but I just wish more people would be prepared to slog it out and work towards falling in love again with the person the chose to be with and start a family with. The saddest reason anyone gave me for leaving their husband was ' I woke up on e day and realised he was just my best friend but I was not in love with him' !!! Being married to your best friend is the best thing ever and the heart flipping feelings of first being in love are not necessary a long term reality n a relationship.
Think of LOVE as an action(something you DO) and not a feeling and it will change your relationship forever.
On another note, it is poosible this mans partner has post natal depression and needs help.She may have thrown the iron at him because she suspects he is looking further afield and she is feeling insecure....as you do when you have a baby,feel exhausted and unlovely. He needs to be offering her lots of support with looking after their baby, not looking for affection elsewhere.It is the most vulnerable stage of any relationship,first baby,changed dynamics,man feeling neglected,mum feeling exhausted. Be careful and try and make things work for the sake of your children.

OP is following an exceptionally common script.

There is no way to unpick whether the marriage was dead before of after she fell for an OM. It is clear however from her other posts that she doesn't know if her H is happy or not and acknowledges that he is playing against a stacked deck as he does not know the truth about this farce of a marriage

The situation is simple, OP needs to end her marriage.

Staying with a H for the lifestyle he provides - once the marriage is dead and emotional investment is all in a third party - is using him just for money and resources. Cut it out. Move on honestly. And let him do so too. Yes, he'll have new expenses for childcare etc, but it's preferable for him to meet those with cash, not to be duped into thinking there is a family with a future here and decisions are being made fairly on a joint basis for everyone's benefit.

As OP likes a romantic turn of phrase, this is "setting him free". He deserves to be able to found his relationships on a true understanding of what they are, not a deceitful version. The former is not available from OP; the betrayed person deserves better.

I have also suggested that the OP and her DH have couple counselling- several posts back.
She has said that she posted here a while back about her DH who was a drunken bully and was compelled to leave by MN!!!
I agree that marriages have to be worked at BUT at the same time, there are times when you need to end them. And- another BUT- there are plenty of marriages today where couples are having to stay together due to negative equity and other financial constraints. If you don't believe this just google- couples not able to divorce for financial reasons.

It's always easy to tell other people what to do, but that script doesn't always work.

Leaving abusive relationships with children is hard but leaving an abusive relationship for another who is also in an abusive relationship, would be a nightmare, especially for your children. OM is a fantasy, he represents romantic escapism from an unsatisfactory relationship.

If your husband is an abusive drunk start making plans to leave your marriage; gather financial documents, see a solicitor, make an appointment with the CAB. If you have sought advice on MN before, it would be unlikely that you weren't advised this, if so, what have you done? Thoughtful planning in place of romantic escapism is your way forward.

OP you and the OM are both in unhappy relationships yet neither of you want to leave.

You know how you feel about your own marriage but you don't really know how OM feels, you only know what he tells you.

At the moment it sounds like, rather than an 'affair of the heart', you are at the start of an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.

The standard advice would be to tell him, if you want to consider becoming emotionally and/or physically involved with me, come back when you are available.

I think that still applies here. Tell him to back off until he sorts his own relationship out. Then see what happens. If he is really interested in you, he will take the necessary steps. If not, you won't see him again.

The wife is always crazy and it's always her fault the marriage has turned into shit.
Just saying.

This.

His poor wife. She had a baby 6 months ago and all we know here is that her 'D'H is looking elsewhere. No wonder she's a bit emotional, I would be too, married to that with a small baby.