Affair of the heart

[Awfullyconfused]

DH and I have been together 7 years and have 3 DC. We have had problems in our relationship for the past 2 years and I keep wondering how I can leave him, I don't think I could afford to.

I've met a man, totally out of the blue and I don't think I've ever met anyone I have as much in common with. There's a huge amount of chemistry between us, I've honestly never felt like this.

He's married with a baby. It's an abusive relationship, she regularly attacks him, screams at him and went for him with an iron recently. He says she has issues and feels sorry for her, which is why he's stayed so long, things can be okay for a while, then it all just starts again. Since their baby was born 6 months ago it's got worse, but he can't leave as is supporting her financially.

Nothing physical has happened between is, we talk about how we feel about each other but decided that we need to end our relationships before anything moves forward with us.

Neither of us a sure what to do, it's so complicated. We're under no illusions that it will all end happily for us and we will get married as soon as we leave our respective partners. Any advice?

Thanks Pinfrocks, your post makes a lot of sense. I think the obvious answer is to not see him for a while, and decide what to do while he's out the picture. He may end up staying in the abusive marriage, I don't want to take that on as my problem.

No raw nerve in least,you're trying to deflect as you dislike my post.isn't about me
You see you're immersing yourself in florid excuses,to minimise you're both liars
If your marriage is over,leave.support yourself,see how it goes with new man
Instead you're maintaing a charade,to avoid working and supporting yourself post-divorce
Currently you want cake,and eat it.dh support you,clueless what going on,you entangled in your its complicated affair

maras2 - are you Scottishmummy under another name?

You are just wanting one or two posters to give the nod and say ok you both need love so fall into his arms actually no, that's not the case, but thank you for the taking the time to tell me what you think I think.

You end your marriage and he ends his;then think about starting a relationship.Not too hard is it? Well, I think ending a marriage is a pretty hard thing to do, especially with DC involved, there is usually quite a lot to think about. But that's just my opinion.

what you also need to understand is that his baby is going to be a part of his life - and yours?- for 18 years at least if he's a good dad. And your children would have him as a step dad, but your ex would have access etc. It's not just you and him riding off into the sunset- it's about 2 potentially 'blended' families and hurt spouses on the side lines.

Slow down.

Take a step back and decide if your marriage is worth saving- with 3 young kids the least you can do for them is stop being selfish and try to mend your marriage before you do anything else.

scottishmummy - I don't think 'you're both liars' is helpful. How about 'his wife is an abuser' 'your DH is a drunken bully'. Insults aren't helpful and I feel I'm wasting my time talking to you at this point.

I dont name change to post an opinion,but again youre deflecting as dislike post
Is it really such a surprise that you're not universally cooed over about your dilemma
Its not complicated in least.you have strong feelings for someone else,your duplicitous

Complicated is the charade you maintain because it suits you to do so
Uncomplicated,is clearly and honestly explaining to dh.and then making adjustments

pinkfrocks - thanks Pinks, believe me I have tried and for a long time. I've posted on her under another name detailing the extent of problems in my marriage and it's always a resounding 'leave the bastard!' 'you need to leave him NOW, you're a fool!' etc.. I think I need to speak to citizens advice, not see OM and just take a step back.

Scottishmummy always posts having a pop at sahms. Ignore all that. I've been both a high earning breadwinner while dh stayed at home and now I'm a sahm while dh works. Whatever way round it is no one is being used as a cash cow or whatever else. It's all bloody hard work.

But anyway....

I'd stay away from the om. As someone who's been unhappy in marriages before (been married twice) it's easy to let your heart fall into anything that will give you a ticket out but in the long term all you're doing is sticking a plaster over the issues that are wrong both with you and with the marriage.

You need time alone, completely alone to reassess and work out what you really want, as a person, not as another half in a relationship.

You are both liars,thats a statement of fact.its not an insult in least
The other statements,no i didn't say those?why are you attributing them to me
You are both liars,in respect you are untruthful

Fairylea - thanks, that makes a lot of sense. Did you end up leaving both marriages?

scottishmummy - ok, great, thanks for the insight.

ScottishMummy- why do you always come along and just be so sharp?
You might think your type of post is going to result in the OP seeing some sense, but all it does is cast you in a bad light where you appear to be a nasty person, hiding behind the anon facility of a forum.

No one's perfect - not even you.

Lying is not the worst anyone could do.

The OP knows this situation isn't right or good- that's why she's asked for support. I don't see how your type of support is helpful at all.

Youre annoyed at my factual observation?thats the least of your worries at mo
How did you hope thread would go?hugs and ooh what a dilemma?
It's as complicated as you and your fancy man make it

scottishmummy - No, not annoyed at your observation. Although admittedly I do find your posting style rather annoying, and am now getting annoyed at myself for even getting annoyed and wasting my time sitting here typing this to you, gah.

Frocks,im opining as you are.on the topic op posted,there no script i must be supportive
your posts are no more meritorious or worthy than mine,they're simply different
Op can take or leave my opinion,as can you. But given she posted for opinion,i replied

I left my first marriage when my dd was 6 months old. There was no one else involved I was just very unhappy in general. I ended up working 3 days a week for minimum wage and getting 2 buses to take dd to nursery each day and then to get me to work but I was happier doing that than I was married.... ! My dh at the time was heartbroken but 12 years later we get along okay now for the sake of dd.

My second marriage he left me for his ex before me.. He found her on Facebook. With hindsight neither of us was very happy though.

And I am now married for the third time. With a young son to my dh now and I am finally very content with my life. Dd is also a very happy well balanced pre teen.

Life is too short to stay in a miserable marriage but I'd never jump from one person to another straight away. Sometimes you are attracted to the opposite of your current partner just because you can't stand the one you're with! But that doesn't make the other one right.

SM
sorry but I can't decipher your posts with all those typos and no punctuation.

You do have form for being rather abrasive. Fine if that gives you some kind of kick but it's usually not very helpful.

I see you waded through the typos to squeeze in you don't like my posts?we both doing same thing,opining to stranger except you think your opinion is more worthy
l'll not censor my opinion,simply because you and/or dislike it.op can of course wholly disregard my posts

Affair of the heart? Really? You are both looking for an out (or at least you are and he tells you he is too) and you reckon you've found it. What it should tell you is that you need to sort out your marriage, one way or another regardless of this man.

Just to clarify my last post, I said that I thought you were using your DH as a cash cow because of this comment:

I would be forcing my DC into poverty

I would either have to get a minimum wage job (unqualified) have to claim benefits

Nothing to do with you being a SAHM, but you seem to be staying in your marriage because you are financially better off.

You have no proof that your OM isn't lying through his teeth to you. And given that youa lready know he's a liar (he's cheating on his wife) why would you believe anything he says?

we are not bad people and our spouses are not victims of some wicked adulterates

...but you are both cheating on your unsuspecting spouses.

OP, I wish I could tell you that things will be OK. That you could end your marriage amicably, that there would be no collateral damage. But I can't.

Taking things at face value: there is a 'bullying drunk' exh, and an 'abusive' exw. Neither are likely to co-operate, concede or accept the separation. You, your exh, your friend, his exw, are all going to be going through intense emotional turmoil AND you are all going to be completely stuck financially.

And in the middle of all of that will be 4 little children.

There is no way to do this without collateral damage.

I am in no way, no way suggesting that you should stay with a drunken bully, or that your friend should stay in an abusive relationship. I (thank god) chose to leave an abusive marriage. But even now 20 years later, I still acknowledge that my freedom and peace also came at the cost of turbulence for my dc.

If your relationship with your dh is not viable or fixable then you need to get out, and to find a way to manage the financial situation. If your friend's relationship with his dw is not viable or fixable, then he needs to get out. And to manage the financial situation. But these MUST be different things.

Your 'affair of the heart' may be pure and wonderful and it may be what is spurring you on to make a decision that you should have made a long time ago (or it may be creating rose-tinted spectacles). But either way there is massive complexity in splitting up a family in a way which maintains safety and security for your children - and being with someone n a similar situation is a recipe for disaster, all round.

Not trying to be harsh, but you asked for advice.

I'm just curious why you have name changed for this post as you say you have posted before about the problems in your marriage. I just think it would give more context if you posted under the same name.

The wife is always crazy and it's always her fault the marriage has turned into shit

^ this

I can only imagine the things my ex said about me to OW and his friends but if you read the cheaters script op you will know that it is to justify their actions.

And if there is some projection going on well, having been through it and come out the other end I can tell you that ending a marriage with children involved is difficult enough without someone else's shit too.

The advice on here has been pretty unequivocal so I guess the decision for you is if you are going to take it and what are the practicalities involved. And for the poster who said that lying is not the worst crime the fact that my ex lied to me and kept doing it for months made me so furious I could barely be in the same room as him. Hardly conducive to an amicable separation which is what is best for the children caught in the middle.

Hope it works out for you op.

I agree you need to be wary of just how accurate the story about his wife is. It would obviously reflect better on him to be viewed as a victim of an abusive and dangerous woman than it would to be viewed as a lowlife who cheats on his wife just after she has had a baby. But presumably he is happy enough to leave his baby in the care of this woman whilst he is busy conducting his affair with you?