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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

bit of a mess

31 replies

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 15:42

Separated from husband for 6 months (second separation in 5 years – first for 2 years – 20 years together – all finances split – his grown up children) Then nearly 6 months of new intense relationship – both declared love for each other; felt she really understood me and really felt was the future; however my ex started to be back in contact and then told me he loved me when I asked for a divorce.
I have finished it with BF by text and spoke briefly with him on the phone when he rang. Didn’t tell her why. He wanted to meet to discuss I refused. He sent me a couple of texts asking me to talk. I refused and got cross. He messaged my friend asking her to help get me to talk – she ignored.
His teenage children with whom I had a good relationship text me, said they were really sad and questioned why I was doing it. I ignored. He came round a couple days later and knocked but I didn’t answer so he dropped a note through. I text him on the Monday and said was going back to my ex. He text back - no row just comments about being sure before I jumped given the problems of the past. Found out on the weds he had been to see my mum who he got on really well with– was furious – rang him and let rip. Called him some horrible names – didn’t give him any opportunity to talk. He text me asking me not to threaten him and explaining why he had done it. He asked me to leave him alone. I didn’t respond. Received email from his eldest son asking me to show him some respect by having a face to face conversation and saying it seems my ex just jealous. I ignored.
Now a week later BF has text me asking to meet to have the conversation he wanted me to have originally.

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 10/07/2014 15:52

Right, just to clarify; who is BF? As you refer to your new relationship as "she", and that fact that you finished your "new" relationship over text (really??), is that connected with your ex-husband being in contact? Quote difficult to follow, sorry.....

Purplewithred · 10/07/2014 15:59

So if I get this right one minute you are deep into this new intense relationship, then your ex suddenly doesn't want a divorce, so you dump intense relationship man by text. When he does all he can to have an adult conversation with you you shriek at him down the phone. What shoddy behaviour - sounds like he's had a lucky escape.

Trampampoline · 10/07/2014 16:02

he she wha huh who now what? Confused

Trampampoline · 10/07/2014 16:03

a badly done reverse? Confused

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2014 16:03

I think you might need to clarify.
It's very hard to follow this.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2014 16:04

The thing is, mn often gives the advice to women when they end a relationship to go no contact. And you can end a relationship for any or no reason if you no longer want to be in it.

This is the other side of the story I guess. When the dumped person is do confused and hurt hatchet push for answers.

I personally think it's a bit shabby up end a relationship by text. And to not give the other person the courtesy of an explanation when they have done nothing wrong

wallaby73 · 10/07/2014 16:07

Glad it's not just me....i understood it to be the ex-h who was shouting...come on OP, enlighten us!!

mammadiggingdeep · 10/07/2014 16:10

Well. That's as clear as mud. Sorry op...I'm lost!

Branleuse · 10/07/2014 16:13

i dont follow?

Pinklaydee1302 · 10/07/2014 16:21

The post is a 'bit of a mess' not sure about rest OP Hmm

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:29

Sorry. Yes finished with BF (he not she). BF has been trying to get me to see him. Think Purple has it about covered apart from no one had ever mentioned divorce until I did. Husband text and emailed me when he heard about new BF. He wished me well sent same message by text and then when I ignored it he emailed me. We met recently because he wanted some stuff - that when I asked for divorce and he told me he still loved me.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 10/07/2014 16:30

OK so what is the problem? You can't choose? You want one of these men to leave you alone? what are you asking?

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:35

Guess its been answered really - should I meet with him? Dont know what to say? Going back to my ex for the third time? Does it really seem like hes back because I was moving on?

OP posts:
adaorarda · 10/07/2014 16:38

well who do you want to be with? do you WANT to go back to your ex?

i'm not sure why you're focusing on what the men are saying in this situation? surely what's important is what you want?

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2014 16:39

How do you feel about your current BF?
Do you really like him?
Is it more of a FWB or FB thing?
You and your Ex have a lot of history.
It's your decision if you meet up with him.
Do you want to give it another go?
So many questions - sorry!

wannaBe · 10/07/2014 16:40

so:

you split from your ex two years ago.
Six months ago you started an intense relationship with someone else.
Recently you contacted your ex about filing for divorce, but he declared that he still loves you, so you decided to go back to him and give the relationship another try.

You then dumped the new boyfriend by text and are refusing to engage with him at all.
His son has contacted you and said the least you can do is show him a bit of respect and give him an actual face to face explanation...

Do I win?

Assuming all that is the case:

You clearly weren't in a position to be in a relationship with your bf, but am assuming it was essentially a rebound relationship after a split from a 22 year marriage. It happens. However:

Dumping someone by text is pretty low by anyone's standards. Even if he was a rebound and you've only just realised that, the least you can do is give him the common courtesy of a face to face explanation. He deserves that at least.

As for your ex, presumably he was an ex for a reason? so how is that when he's snapped his fingers to say he still loves you you've just gone running back? I would be examining whether you really do want to go back to this marriage or whether you in fact do still love him and are seeing the past through rose tinted glasses.

You were most likely right to end your current relationship, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should be running back to your ex. perhaps you should be alone for a while to put your life back together.

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:42

I dont want to be hurt again. Latest split with husband was v difficult - left me financially strapped and he took what he could from house - all on basis I felt guilty for causing the split. His sons havent talked to me for several years because of it all. Not sure I trust his intentions let alone mine?

OP posts:
adaorarda · 10/07/2014 16:44

ok so your exdh is a twat and you aren't sure how you feel about him.

i think that's a fairly good indication that you should not get back together with him...?

are you concerned that you'll be alone and don't want to be? so you want to have one of them around? if so i think you need to fuck them both off and get some counselling tbh. what they do or don't do is really immaterial, your feelings are what you need to be paying attention to here surely?

LalyRawr · 10/07/2014 16:44

Okay, I think you've been slightly unfair to new BF. As far as he was aware, everything was fine, then you dump him by text for no reason and then refuse to talk to him. As you can do, obviously, but seems a bit unfair to him. When he tries to talk to you, as is also reasonable, he gets a shitload of abuse down the phone.

Your ex does seem to only want to get back with you when you asked for a divorce. Could be because he really does love you and saw what he was about to lose, or could be like a child with an old toy. He doesn't want to play with it anymore, but doesn't want anyone else to have it either.

If you're unsure, maybe take a break from both of them and just be on your own for a bit? Try and sort your head out and figure out who and what you actually want.

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:46

Sorry split with my husband 5 years ago - then after 2 years apart we got back together. It lasted less the 3 years and split (for good) last summer.
Waited 6 months before I met BF.
BF understand me like no one else I have met and maybe that scares me?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 10/07/2014 16:49

I think you're bang out of order refusing to give the man a decent explanation. I hope you don't want him back when you next attempt at your marriage collapses. His children and friends certainly won't want you on the scene ever again.

Good luck with your husband and remember you reap what you sow

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:53

My mum is furious with the idea of me getting back with husband - says its ridiculous as do friends. And Quite i take that on the chin. Perhaps the people around you see more clearly than I do myself

OP posts:
adaorarda · 10/07/2014 16:54

op it sounds like you need counselling, not relationships. not trying to be cruel but i think you need to be realistic.

you're not even sure why you're feeling and doing the things you are, you're considering returning to a man you don't like (??), you sound extremely mixed up and are no doubt confusing the hell out of the people in your life. are you able to access counselling?

adaorarda · 10/07/2014 16:55

x post

can you explain why you want to get back with ex dh? i am very confused???

Hopefaith · 10/07/2014 16:59

His son has a son - my step grandchild. Since me and husband (they are his kids not mine) started having problems his sons took against me and with the latest split I have been stopped from seeing grandson for the last year. Miss him - me and husband back together reunites family?

OP posts: