my wife told me she no longer loves me "in that way"

[shan2412]

Just over a week ago my wife of 7 years told me she doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore, and it's time to call it a day. It has tore me up as we also have 3 kids (5,7,12). She said I am welcome to stay until I find a new place. Over the last week I have been on an emotional roller coaster, from feeling lost to frustrated.

I respect her feelings and she stated she has felt like this for a while and been unhappy. I think to myself if only she had said earlier, but I have told her I am not angry or upset with her but think she is very brave for confronting this. At first when she told me I told her it can be better and things will change but she told me she doesn't think she will get them back and it's pointless me fighting for her. That killed.me but after a couple of day I tried to be positive about it. I wrote her a letter, then sat down and spoke about it.

I faced up to the fact that I took her for granted, didn't romance her enough, moaned about mundane things that shouldn't have really mattered. I faced the fact I was too nice at times and should man up more when she and the kids are involved. She told me about how I was funny and carefree when we first met, to which I have thanked her for reminding me of that person who has been lost.

over a week has passed and I am trying to show her I can be that guy again, it been hard being close to her but keeping my distance. We have hd fun and spoke a lot, but I just want to tell her how amazing she is and how much I love her but don't want to drive her away. She got a new dress yesterday and shouted me in to see how it looked on her, I felt like a teenager again, I thought she looked gorgeous, told her she looked great, but inside I just wanted to grab her and give her the biggest kiss and cuddle.

What should I do? Leave? Fight? Tell her how she makes me feel or is time the only answer?

Ps sorry for any spelling I typed this on my phone.

It wasn't sarcastic at all, not my definition of sarcasm anyway. It totally annihilated his wife as a person, his descriptions of her laughing at him, in his bed, blah blah blah were really hateful. He didn't address any of the unpleasant behaviour or traits the OP had admitted to, it was all about her. How DARE she remove herself from a relationship that isn't working for her? she must be an absolute twat! Is that how the man you're with thinks women think? I would be quite bothered by that if I were you. Sadly it's not uncommon but it is misogynistic, make no mistake about that.

I am indeed female.
Or at least I was the last time I looked!

I'm not a 'supporter' either.
I just know as a woman, if the guy I no longer wanted to be with kept on being all soppy and swoony and was fawning all over me, it would just be horrible and make my skin crawl TBH.

This is no doubt how you, OP, are making your DW feel.
Step back and get practical!

Nicki - please do not make presumptions about myself or my DH or even how he envisages women.

I agree, she has every right to remover herself from the relationship - but from what limited evidence we have, she is being manipulative and underhand about it.

He is mooning about in a manner that could well exacerbate the situation and make her more not less resentful.

I certainly think (and so does my DH) think that she has more likely than not been having at the very least and EA if not a full physical relationship elsewhere.

The suggestion therefore is that he grow up, stop acting like a teenager and sort himself and thence his family out. We dont know enough about their property or their fiscal situation to do anything other than project our own fears or prejudices beyond that. He needs quality legal advice but the first step is to realise that there is no going back

Yeah but 'noshing like a porn star in your bed' ffs?! We don't even know she hasgot someone else.

Just try and remember this is someone's life will you?

Ah well as long as 'you and your dh think it' crack on

I will presume and have an opinion on whatever I like from anyone posting on MN. Doesn't everyone on here? Isn't that point of a forum?

As for the rest of your post it's nothing that hasn't already been said by almost every other poster on this thread.

NickiFury

"I will presume and have an opinion on whatever I like from anyone posting on MN. Doesn't everyone on here? Isn't that point of a forum?"

Sooo... Does that stand also for males? Or do we get called "pigs" for expressing and opinion?

Just wondered.

Thx

Sorry "an opinion" not "and".

Damn my pesky hooves.

Yes Nicki - you can infer or imply what you like - it is quite correctly an internet forum.

Liberal - as a matter of fact we do - I honestly and earnestly think she has someone else, so while my phraseology was perhaps crass - I think most of us surmise she has someone else.

I didn't "infer" or "imply" anything.

I responded directly to your DH's unpleasant post. It's there for all to see.

If I could step in here. I think it's a grand MN tradition to take the side of whoever appears to be the injured party in a story like this.... and equally to hurl brickbats at the party causing the injury. If the story was roles reversed I guarantee there would have been a resounding 'he's got someone else' response... complete with withering character assessments and vivid assumptions about the 'OW'. Maybe not using quite as fruity imagery as employed up-thread but pretty scathing nevertheless.

If the OP's DW was here putting her side of the story and explaining why she wanted out, naturally it would be a different response, especially if there was any ill treatment going on. Meantime - as ever - we've got one side of the story.

I hope the OP comes back and the thread doesn't get sidetracked. Whatever the back-story, the end of a marriage is a pretty rotten time for all involved.

Of course you can Davros but there was definitely a piggish turn of phrase (imo) in one or two of the posts. Rest easy though, yours was not offensive in content, obviously more an account of your experiences and I am sorry that happened to you. I am not trying diminish your experience in any way.

But anyway, apart from it making for an entertaining bunfight into which posters can project like there's no tomorrow, it doesn't really matter whether the OP's wife has "justifiably had enough of him", has her eye set on someone else, or a combination of the two.

Practically speaking, the OP needs to have a grown-up chat with her about whether their relationship is finished and, if it is, it's time to discuss separation terms and access. If she's uncertain, in the OP's shoes I'd be hesitant to move out. If she's uncertain but is dead set on having time alone to think, then perhaps she should be the one to move out.

Davros posts are 100% spot on

This is a classic example of The Script - she has someone else. Whether physically, or emotionally.

Whether she has or hasn't anyway, the writing is still on the wall and there's no point OP playing Mr Nice & Heartbroken now. Time to move on. If its ever meant to be, then it will.

You sound like a bit of a pig actually OP and so do your "male" supporters on this thread.

And what about the female 'supporters' or is it just 'men' that you want to single out.

Nicki
I apologise, I got the hump (wrong animal!) a bit cos I didn't think I was particularly piggish. I may have lost my cool a little bit and I suppose I am also open to accusations of projection, if I think about it. The op's situation opened up some wounds that 15 years, 1 happy second marriage and two lovely daughters later, still sometime hurt.
I personally winced when I saw what was written in that earlier post. It is sometimes how we men talk to each other, I'm afraid. I think because we are notoriously dim and thick skinned we have to have it s-p-e-l-t out in graphic detail. (not excusing misogynistic language etc etc but expressing an opinion, eh?). I would not have worded it like that, here especially. My post was a somewhat toned down version in effect. An example from reality to shock him from his denial.
Anyway. The OP....
I think he has a wide range of opinions now to work from. He should be able to work it out I think.

Which female supporters posted unpleasantly? No one is disputing that an affair is a possibility. But I take exception to the really unpleasant description and attitude. I am afraid Davros got caught in the cross fire and I have already apologised to him. But the other post was vile and the poster seemed to get a real kick out of writing it. I'm not sure exactly WHO it was supposed to be helping? How exactly is painting that kind of picture supposed to add anything worthwhile to this situation?

You work 50-60 hours a week, so presumably still have evenings and weekends free. Your wife has 3 children as her job. Do you take over their care when you get home, or does she continue to do everything for them then too?
How much free time per day/week do each of you get?

It sounds as though she is simply resentful of you going out to work whilst she is expected to run the household, raise the children, and feel grateful to you for the opportunity. I doubt she has time to meet 'someone else' tbh!

I presume she wanted to go back to college to improve her chances in the job market, thus benefitting your whole family that are presumably struggling in overcrowded housing? How was she being unfair in that desire?

Davros I am glad you're happy now. I think sometimes we need to be reminded that men can be treated horrendously too. It's easy to forget, I know I can occasionally be guilty of that.

:-) Nicki yes, I come on here occasionally to "educate" myself and to have a sensible (hopefully) discussion about the topics that Men usually cannot have a reasoned debate about online because of macho crap.
Yes, I think it's important especially here, where you get quite a (depressing) for me stream of threads about men being total arseholes, to provide a counterpoint. We all want to be loved really don't we? and we men can and do sometimes get the shitty end of the stick.
Awww, peace has broken out - I have a warm feeling (and it's not the mud lol!) :-)

Not really fair to assume the wife has a new partner, or one lined up - we dont know anythng about the OP's life, and even less about his partner!

However, I do agree that you need to start being strong willed and practical about this. Start looking out for yourself. You are number one. Then the kids. The wife's needs are irrelevant once you split, and only to be considered in terms of the childrens needs, so really they may be inseperable, but always look out for yourself first and foremost.

I would take her at her word and see a solicitor, and talk about financies. I would tell her that you will move out (it will be better for your sanity to stay apart) but let her know that financies will have to be split equally, starting with selling the house and splitting profits, and talk about how much for child allowance.

Splitting and divorcing is a sea change, and she might not realise how big a change it is. But onwards and upwards. This door has shut but others will open and there are plenty of other available women out there.

I am amazed at how much is being read into a couple of paragraphs about two people's life story.

I know I am in a minority, but I have fallen out of love in the past without there being any other person on the sidelines, though when you are no longer in love with your partner, it is more likely that someone else will catch your eye.

Basically all I read here is that two decent people are reaching the end of their marriage.