very upset.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

I am really upset. For the second time in less than a few weeks my dh has got really angry in bed last time he wacked his head against the metal bedframe tonight he shook it and almost broke the headboard.
Maybe discussing house maintenance late was a bad move but i feel he is depriving us of doing maintence it took five years to change the fucking front door Money isnt an issue he is paid well.he is just blind to diy things but wont let me take charge.
i know i have posted many times before but i am sat here crying and have told him because its a second time he has been aggressive in bed this time i will be leaving as its not normal behaviour. He said during the argument i have changed and he doesnt know who i am anymore and to fuck off :(. I am down in the lounge now as have a dd and cant just up and leave now. I will be going into some estate agents though tomorrow because i cant keep doing this. I dont care what church say anymore. I am unhappy and not in a valued relationship anymore.:(

I was in a similar relationship. Bad people are bad people. End of. Sorry you are having to deal with it.

If you have changed, you've changed for the better - you're strong and you know that you and your dd don't deserve this and can have a better life away from him. I'm not a member of any church but my god would approve of that.

Yes. I am scared of leaving. I meant my vows when i said them, but its not normal relationship its been my only long term relationship it was my dream but i have seen others and how their dh's are they certainly are happy and help themselves and dont live in fucking twitter land eveyday.

You are making as very brave decision for you and your daughter. You deserve to live a life free from his aggression. Are you safe right now? One of the most dangerous times for woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. If you feel at all threatened, please call 999.

I will be thinking about you. Let us know how you are doing

Thanks i am ok. He never hurts me just the furniture when hes like this. i am so tired and confused this morning he was texting me about self harm last night and i have been picking up on this as he pinches his arms alot but self harming isnt not to be confused with anger and aggression. He wont help himself though and i think if i leave even for a short peroid then maybe he will sort himself out?

He sounds charming.

Behaving violently around you, threatening to self harm. This is most definitely not healthy for your child.

Which Church do you belong to? Because unless the priests you are speaking to are married themselves - in a healthy and happy marriage -...they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

It's a bit like a man saying to a woman whose breastfeeding her third child, "hey, you are doing that COMPLETELY wrong. I know better than you, because I read about it in a book".

What Church say?

Can I suggest you read the book Not Under Bondage by Barbara Roberts? It's theologically based and explains why it is ok to leave an abusive husband. It may bring you peace. Oh and find another Church!

And Lundy Bancroft's book often mentioned on here is well worth reading too.

I'm so sorry. It's hard ending a marriage but you're doing the right thing. I'm a divorced Christian. Happy to chat by pm if it helps.

'Hurting the furniture' and threats of self-harm are violent & intimidating behaviour. The message he's giving you is that he's prepared to hurt himself and damage things.... next thing to be harmed is you. If you call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 they will tell you that you are not alone experiencing this type of violence.

If he is texting you about self-harm the correct thing to do is call the emergency services and tell them you think he's a danger to himself. That way you can get him removed a) for his own safety and b) for yours and your DCs

Two people made vows when you got married. You BOTH promised to love, cherish and respect each other. When one person breaks that covenant, the other is no longer under any obligation to uphold their side of the bargain.

And a word on churches. Most of the main organised religions are institutionally misogynistic. You can't trust a church's advice when you are female. They are simply not on the side of women.

They say i should keep trying but its always his way or no way he still rages in a temper and cannot meet on a respectful agreement about things. He's changed so much and blaming me for may issues wont help himself or do counselling. I do my best i am not superwoman and i am not his mother. If he wanted one of them then i think he should have gone for someone older.
Cogito is right one day it will be me not the bed frame or the door. I have sent him a message today saying he doesnt realise what he is losing.
Hes at work now. So peace and quiet.

Please talk to Womens Aid and start making plans to get him out of your life.... safely.

You need to take extra care, it might escalate know he knows he is no longer in control.

Round you are not the one who broke the vows. You are just responding to the one who did. Like Cog says, do not take advice regarding domestic violence from the church. On majority, not always but mostly IME, they will try and make excuses for his behaviour or give you 'strategies' to deal with this. When this doesn't work surprise they will play on your faith to keep you with him. You sound pretty clear about knowing this isn't right. The community supports you, the law supports you. Call Women's Aid for extra info and support and make a plan. And stop texting him because it keeps the door open for him to manipulate you.

You need to change Churches. Sadly this isn't the first time I've heard this.

Abuse isn't fixable by a marriage course or counselling.

You're doing the right thing to end it.

I found my Church very supportive on my divorce.

Yes i will phone womens aid. Its not as if its been once hes been like this.even if i am not agreeing with him there is no need to be agressive. And people dont change once like this do they?...

Please get out. I came to my senses after I flew across the bedroom and realised as I landed that had I been 1 inch further to my right I would have cracked my head on the corner of the bedside table. He was so angry that he had no control over where he had thrown me. I was just very, very lucky.
Before that there had been increasing amounts of shouting, swearing, stamping, slamming - all signs saying "I am aggressive when I am angry so dont upset me if you know what's good for you".
Please don't wait until it gets physical - it already is physical and he knows exactly what message he is sending.

"And people dont change once like this do they?..."

Very, very seldom. The more common pattern is that, the more they get away with, the more it escalates. His is an unstable, violent and abusive man.

Round people can change but there are some fundamentals that need to occur for this to happen. The main one being that they need to identify the need to change, and why. And this understanding and motivation has to occur at the core of who they are. Many women think that the threat of leaving, or leaving itself will be the impetus for this change. As a result you get the appearance of change, they'll say the right things and promise to be different, but there's no genuine understanding of the issue. It's just another tactic to keep you or get you back.

YvvB
i so recognise those signs of behaviour he told me to fuck of back to my parents and was threw pillows etc. I need to go dont i
cogito&Gettingmeback
Yes the only way he can change is without me there

Don’t keep it secret. That only deceives you to think that you’re in control of what's going on. Use the Women's Aid number to get advice.

Find someone who will believe you.Not all church leaders want to get involved in what they dismiss as messy problems. Don’t give up until you find a person who actually knows how to help.

As for some notion of 'Biblical submission' I don't believe this was ever obedience at all costs. A church elder should tell you wives aren't expected to submit to sinful treatment.

What kind of support can you call upon? Any family close by? Don't minimise the seriousness of the situation.

The excuse to rant or overreact can be anything trivial. If you have a young child together sooner or later she'll witness Daddy losing

I think you need to start looking at this less in the spirit of 'how can he change?' and more 'how can I make a good independent life for myself and the DCs?'. Ultimately, he is who he is and he will be who he will be. You cannot base your actions on him any more. You are not responsible for him. He has to be irrelevant to your plans.

Sorry posted too soon - losing control.

He's violent and abusive. As Y said, he's already physical. He's telling you "don't push me because next time it will be you". And it will be before it's escalating. He appears out of control but he isn't. Very much in control. People who are abusive in this way, are rarely bashing their head on the bed head at work.

When you say the only way he can change is without you there, you are still hoping for something that will not happen, and also blaming yourself. You need to leave because you are not safe and because you've done everything you can so you have nothing to be ashamed about. There is so much good out there for you.

*because it's escalating

Yes he has definately not been loving as its says in corinthians 'husbands love your wives like Jesus loved church' far from it
what is womans aid number only his parents are near and she has been a bitch lately and always sticks up for him if i do confide in her she even said once it was probably cause i wound him up er sorry it is still not acceptable kicking doors and last time he had outburst he wacked his head on the metal bedframe. Not normal behaviour and i know i am not perfect and go on about things i dont deserve this treatment