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Original poster

DH gets in weird moods when tired

55 replies

BrazilNil · 09/07/2014 22:12

Basically when my DH gets tired or has had a long day at work he literally turns into Kevin the Teenager from the Harry Enfield show! Lots of huffing, puffing, smart arse comments and often quite nasty cutting remarks and comments directed at me when I've done nothing wrong.

He doesn't normally work long hours but today did have an early start as he had to travel a 2 hour train journey and back. He got in at 5.30ish and of course I had a meal ready for him, but I could tell the second he walked through the door that he was in a bad mood. He was very ungrateful for the meal and just moaned about it when he was eating it, and then for a while every time I said anything to him he kept saying "Shuuuuuuuut up" in a really mocking teenagery voice.

He left his plate on the table; when he's in these moods he won't do anything to help in the house at all. But I didn't say anything and just cleaned and tidied the kitchen.

He then decided to take our youngest, who is 5, to the park for a walk. He said bye to me and I said "See ya" in a normal, pleasant voice, and he then mocked me in a horrible voice and said "See ya". I said "There is no need to mock me", and he said "I wasn't mocking you, I was saying bye". I said "you just repeated what I said in a mocking voice" and he said he hadn't repeated anything at all and that I'd imagined it and then he said really mockingly "Stop making things up!".

He got back from the park and was just basically a smart arse all evening, moaning about being tired, and if I said anything just coming out with random rude comments or put downs. So in the end I ignored him. He must have twigged I was ignoring him as he kept looking at me and saying "Charming!".

I feel really pissed off with him. I am getting to the stage where I'm starting to be less attracted to him because of his behaviour and moods, and feel like I deserve better.

OP posts:

Heathcliff27 · 10/07/2014 00:31

What an absolute arsehole. There wouldn't be any bloody dinner ready for him ever again if he spoke to me like that. Don't put up with it.

EverythingCounts · 10/07/2014 00:39

You do deserve better. Everyone has a bad day once in a while but this is far too often for that. This is just being a miserable, mean-spirited dickhead, with occasional spells of not being such a dickhead. Not good enough.

Step number one: do not cook for him tomorrow. If he's ungrateful and rude about what you cook for him, well then, he can sort out his own meal, can't he?

On the rudeness front, at the first sign of it say 'I'm not going to be spoken to like this' and leave the room. Telling him to fuck off would be perfectly justified and a lot more satisfying but he will then start down the road of you being aggressive/unreasonable, I would guess. And the fact that I'm saying that also indicates you should really be thinking about the long-term future of the relationship. As I said, you do deserve better.

How many kids do you have together? Do you work outside the home?

ExcuseTypos · 10/07/2014 00:39

Gosh he sounds a right charmer!

He may be tired but he should behave like any normal person- get on with family life and have an early night.

He needs to stop the nastiness and goading or I'd be telling him not to bother coming home when he's feeling tired.

Dirtybadger · 10/07/2014 00:51

I am awful when tired, or very hungry. I know I'm like a toddler. But honestly the worst I get is withdrawing a bit (being a bit quiet) and getting very tearful about little things. It might be annoying but I'm not hurting anyone.

I didn't know worse people existed. But they do, evidently. He's completely out of order. He's punishing you for something nothing to do with you. You're not keeping him up at night poking him with a stick. If he's so tired why doesn't he politely let you know he's taking a nap or early night? Because he enjoys moaning and belittling you.

Don't stand for it.

PetulaGordino · 10/07/2014 00:58

How horrible

Aside from it not being acceptable generally, it sounds as though he isn't behaving like that towards the children (takin them to the park etc), so this is totally directed at you. The children will pick up on this treatment of you though

Handywoman · 10/07/2014 08:42

Eew, what a dickhead. He is treating you with contempt. Get rid of this abusive idiot.

Original poster

BrazilNil · 10/07/2014 12:32

He has another long day today, but I am going out to an exercise class with a friend tonight so luckily I won't have to sit and listen to him.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/07/2014 12:38

Nothing to do with tiredness, he's just a nasty bastard, clearly has nil respect for you and is showing your children how to be an abusive arse to women.

Don't know how you can want to share your life with such a horrible person.

kaykayblue · 10/07/2014 12:55

If things are good when he isn't tired, then you need to have a serious conversation about this on a day where he is refreshed and just had a good night's sleep.

You really need to make it clear that whilst you understand people get ratty when they are shattered, his behaviour crosses a line and he genuinely does act like a teenage brat rather than a grown adult. Only he is responsible for his behaviour, and you won't accept him behaving like that.

If he denies it, then all you can do is point out that you weren't asking for his opinion, you were telling him that this is the case.

Next time it happens rather than weakly trying to play along, when he starts being pissy treat him like he is behaving - as if he was a moody teenager.

I like another person's idea of "who the fuck do you think you are talking to"? Or perhaps something less confrontational like simply stating "You are behaving like an irritating teenage brat - GROW UP, NOW".

He has to accept that his behaviour is inappropriate before he will make an effort to change. Perhaps the next time he is coming home and will be tired you can record how he behaves (without him knowing) and then play it back to him the next day so he can't deny that he is being a prick.

The more childish route would be to wait until he is in a normal mood one day, then come home and act like he normal does. Huff and puff and be a bitch. When he loses his temper you can point out "yes. Isn't it shit when someone treats you like this. Remember that next time you are tired".

If he refuses to change then you just have to decide whether putting up with his childish temper tantrums when tired is worth it or not.

Lweji · 10/07/2014 12:58

When he is tired, do you think he may have low blood sugar levels?
Or is it really tiredness?
Or do you assume he is tired, but he really isn't?

LividofLondon · 10/07/2014 13:03

Have you had a blunt discussion with him about this, preferably when he's not in one of his moods? Or said something along the lines of "being on the receiving end of your bad moods is not on and is eroding the love I have for you. I'm finding you increasingly unattractive and I deserve better". When he moaned about the meal I would've said "if you're going to be so ungrateful you'd better make your own meals in future". Don't clean up after him either! Pull him up on it every time. As others have said, I bet he wouldn't speak to anyone else like that, so why the hell does he think it's OK to speak to you that way? It sounds as though he doesn't even like you. TBH I'd find it very hard to stay with someone like that.

Nulliferous · 10/07/2014 13:04

Oh, and a 'two hour train journey and back' and getting home at 17:30 is a short day for many, many workers.

Sounds like a lazy prick to me.

Bruins · 10/07/2014 13:08

Was he always like this, OP, did it suddenly happen or was it a gradual process? How it happened will give you a clue as to whether it's changeable behaviour.
Your children will start speaking to you this way if it doesn't stop.

LoisPuddingLane · 10/07/2014 13:15

Anyone who told me to "Shuuuut uuuuppp" would be wearing his dinner. And his bollocks as earrings.

SecretWitch · 10/07/2014 13:19

There is no excuse for your husband's terrible behaviour toward you. He may be tired but he still has the ability to control what comes out his mouth. He is choosing to treat you badly because he wants to.

What are you getting out of your marriage? What would you like to see happen and how do you think those things can occur?

settingsitting · 10/07/2014 13:22

What Lweji says.

Does his mood improve after he has eaten?

I would tell him that when he has the moods, you are going to stay away from him and not communicate with him until he can control himself better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/07/2014 13:25

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

And you are with him because...

AtSea1979 · 10/07/2014 13:29

I see things differently, sorry.
But he doesn't sound tired, he sounds over loaded.
He probably just needed quiet time and space and you didn't get the hint from his quiet mood and kept talking even after he said shut up several times. After first time he said shut up, I would have walked off and ignored him for a while and left him to sort himself out until he was ready to apologise.
Least he took DS out for a bit despite being tired. Sometimes people just need to let off steam and if they feel hemmed in it can be misdirected at those closest. Next time walk away and give him all the space he needs to act like an idiot without it affect you.

kaykayblue · 10/07/2014 13:33

AtSea - completely disagree. That gives the clear message that his behaviour will be tolerated.

And it shouldn't be.

Who gives two dusty fucks if he needed some "quiet time"?

And who the fuck are you to imply that a man telling his wife to "shut up" is acceptable? Or vice versa for the matter.

Last time I checked, when one of us needs some space and quiet we politely tell the other person "I'm going to go in the other room for a bit, would you mind not disturbing me unless it's important"

Because that's how adults behave.

AtSea1979 · 10/07/2014 13:38

Ah ok, that's where I've been going wrong then. I find shut up and flouncing works much better than poncey "would you mind"

diddl · 10/07/2014 13:42

So he wan'r too tired to be nasty?

diddl · 10/07/2014 13:42

wasn't

Bruins · 10/07/2014 13:48

"Who the fuck do you think your talking to?" gets the point across nicely, I always find.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2014 13:51

I do wonder what your childhood was like if you think this is OK!?
This is how your DS will grow up and how he will treat any women in his life.
Are you OK with that?
Knowing that your son will turn into his father?

What does a 'long day' entail?
If he was home by 5:30 then I assume he left the house at approx 4:30 this morning? 2 hours there arrive at 5:30am work for 9 hours back for 5:30pm. I didn't think trains ran that early?

He's an arsehole and you are an enabler.
Please contact Womens Aid.
They may be able to help clear that fog you have around you and hopefully the scales will fall from your eyes.

This is NOT good on any level.
Stop letting your children learn that this is what a relationship looks like!

LEMmingaround · 10/07/2014 13:54

Everyone gets irritable when they are tired but that just results in being a bit snappish and uncommunicative not being an utter cunt.

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