Was I in the wrong ??

[Fluffy101]

Need some balanced views as currently I am fuming with my DH.

I have just been away with work for one night so technically he and my DS haven't seen me for almost two days, when I got back from work out my son to bed and put tea on and then had to make a few phone calls for work which lasted approx 20 mins, at this stage my DH was fuming and started slamming doors to show his displeasure all because it was 8pm and he hadn't seen me for two days.

Now he won't even speak to me and is sulking. I think his behaviour was very childish however in his defence he is not feeling well tonight, ..... So question is was I in the wrong for making these calls ?

He's still sulking? Unless there's something else that's bothering him (which he should bloody well just come out and say, rather than sulking about it), he's being a childish twerp.

Hope he sorts himself out quickly, OP. Nothing worse than a dragged out sulk.

His behaviour is horrible and abusive

But I do think it's odd that you didn't want to give him a kiss, say 'I love you/missed you/how are you' when you first got back.

It sounds like you are passing ships.

God, he's being pathetic. You were away for one night ffs.

I agree with everything basil has said. The appeasing of the poor ickle menz seems to be getting worse on here lately.

I don't see what you did wrong personally. My dp works away sometimes for one night at a time, sometimes 4...generally he comes home, gives me a quick kiss and a hello, says hello to the children and makes a fuss of them and quite often he will make a few calls for work too (or have to take incoming ones on his work mobile). We normally sit, chat and catch up properly when the children are in bed....
Now and again he has come home and been bombarded by the children so he's forgotten to give me a kiss/say hello - I normally just make a joke of how lovely it was he missed me so much too and we laugh as he gives me his hello then, don't see the need to be stroppy about it. It does get tiresome sometimes when his work phone is going a lot but it's work so part and parcel of his job role-he generally has a good balance between the two so I find it easy to allow for the scales to tip towards work as and when necessary.

Hope he snaps out his mood soon

Horrible and abusive... no he isn't. He's being miffed, put out at being about 3 or 4th on the list of important things. That can kill any relationship stone dead!

My DH works away a lot... when he comes home his first job is to make sure I know he has missed me. Then he can go to the loo and empty the bladder that has been in a car for 5 hours, check his phone/emails, unpack his bag, put the kettle on, open a bottle of beer, go to the pub for a pint, put tea on, or any one of a thousand other things he has to do.

If he doesn't I feel much how OPs DH has shown he feels: relegated to the 4th division. In OPs case he should expect to come second to the kids, but please, not the phone, that can sit in the side and fucking wait for few minutes!

Sorry OP, but that first 20 minutes should have been ALL about the DCs and DH - quick kiss for DH, "I'll put junior to bed and be straight back down", back to DH for a quick chat, love you, missed you, then tea and whilst it is cooking the phone. There is no other way to do this, ever!

Hint: You could stop 100 yards short of home and check your phone so that when you walk through the door you can concentrate on them and them alone. I caught DH doing this a few years ago and was quite impressed with his thoughtfulness. Thinking about it though, on here that would just be a sign of the existence of the OW

Yeah, but it's not just about whether he has a right to be miffed, it's about how he handles it. If there's a problem, you talk about it. Don't you? Couldn't he have said, "I was a bit hurt when you came in, I missed you and I felt ignored - I know phone calls have to be made, but next time can we have a hug and five minutes to catch up first?" And then next time she could make the effort to remember (and, you know, perhaps HE could start the cooking so she didn't have to walk through the door and immediately start juggling three different responsibilities). And no one would need to have a big teenage huff about it.

But we don't really know how OP has handled it, so they could both be being daft about it. There are all sorts of ifs and maybes.

All I know is I can relate to her DH as it is quite a personal insult to be relegated to a position lower than an inanimate object. I admit it took us a while and a few arguments to get to a solution we could both be happy with, but it can be done and has to be sorted by both of them.

Wow, so apparently I completely disagree with most people here.

You were away for two full days - sure it's not two weeks, but it's still two days. Then you come home, basically completely ignore him, look after the DS and then start working again.

Talk about priorities. No wonder your poor husband feels like the bottom of the chain - because according to your behaviour, he totally is.

Did you really have to make those phone calls? Could they not have waited until the next day? Could you not have spent some time with your partner and apologise but mention that you have to make some calls at the end of the night? The apology is because it's not right to have work intrude on your family life, especially after two days away.

I would be absolutely fuming if my partner did this. It basically sends the message of "I don't give two shits about you".

Yes, in an ideal world he would have handled it better, but come on. When you've been looking after a child on your own for two days, then your partner comes in and ignores you I don't blame him for getting in a huff.

Do you even like your husband? It sort of seems like you like your work a whole lot more.

I think work needs to be kept completely out of the home.

However, his door-slamming and sulking the following day are not OK. Is there something deeper troubling him about your relationship? Or is he needy and demanding, and acting out to an unacceptable level over just this one event?

I am wondering here why the OP first reaction was to put her child in bed, prepare tea etc as if she was just coming back home from a normal day. Why is it that all that responsibility is so sutomsticalky on her shoulder that functioning on auto pilot that's what she did until she coyjd finally stop, breathe and think 'ok so what is going on there? Oh yes DH. '

It might be seen as 'DH not that important' or it might 'I smrxorctedvto do all of those, let's get on with it as it's so late. Oh btw I also have to give these calls' etc ie being stretched so much that it's becoming impossible to manage.

Eg I would expect my DH in this situation to have started to put the dc to bed, has done the cooking and that tidying up so when I come back home I actually have turbine and energy to greet him.
Just as I do when he is away for work and I am at home looking after the dcs.

Sorry my post is just not understandable especially at the start!!

In other words, the OP made feel tired just reading all the things she did as soon as she got back home as if 1- this was her responsibility only and she would get told off if it's not done properly and 2- her DH couldn't actually have helped her with it.
It felt like she was on auto pilot from the tiredness and the 'I have to do x and y' mentality that puts all these things onto women's shoulders.
I know by experience that would make me do that sort of things because .... I'm just not thinking to be able to get through all of it.

Lumieres I guess the question is, how much did the OP do because she felt she had to do it on autopilot as you describe, or how much did she do because she wanted to/made it a higher priority than her DH.

For example, I'd expect she'd want to do DC's bedtime if she's been away, but the tidying up - was that because DH hadn't lifted a finger the two days she'd been away and the place was a tip, or because there were a few things out of place and she's a neat freak? Had she said "don't worry about dinner, I'll cook when I get in, it'll help me unwind" or did she have to do it because it wouldn't occur to DH to start boiling some potatoes?

So we don't know, on the evidence available, how much was "autopilot reaction" because her DH is a lazy arse and how much was OP prioritising things that weren't so important or doing stuff because she WANTED to do it more than she wanted to spend time with her DH.

Wow thanks for the replies, when I got in my DH had not been in long himself having collected our child, when I came in there was a mess on the floor so I started clearing it up .....guess I can see how unimportant he felt ...would much rather he said he missed me lol

Serious grovelling time I guess

No not serious grovelling OP!

I can't believe folk are sticking up for a man who goes about slamming doors, it's pretty abusive behaviour and all because you didn't run up and smother him in a kiss....????

Honestly OP, if you want him to continue to behave like a 5 year old brat, then go ahead and grovel but if it was my man acting like that he'd be getting told one more door slam and he's out!

I am not sure grovelling is the right thing to do. An apology and explaining that yes you can see how he felt like this.
But unwound also point out to him that door slamming had never helped solving problems and that next time you would prefer if he was talking to you instead!

Why didn't he help with tidying up, putting the child to bed or start tea?

His behaviour is definitely childish.

It would have been easy to approach you and tell you to stop tidying up because he missed you. Preferably with a hug and a snog.
Slamming doors (hopefully) will only lead to both of you spending even less time together.

How important are those calls, though? But if you do it usually, I can see why you didn't think twice about it.
Even if the calls were not that important, he could easily have told you how he felt instead of having a tantrum about it.

And he's still not talking to you?

I think he needs a reality check.

and presumably you greeted each other?
Or did you go in and fully ignored him?

My dad used to go about slamming doors when we were kids, it's horrible, it's upsetting and puts you on edge - even now I get jumpy when a door slams, it's aggressive behaviour not a reaction to not getting a bloody kiss, it's a message OP, that he thinks he's more important than you.

No grovelling at all.

You just need a chat about how not to do it again. we don't allow work in the house either. That doesn't mean we don't work from home - that would be impossible. But we have a set 'grumble about it' time, usually outside with a stubby bottle of beer (used to be a fag, but he quit smoking). Then we come in and act human.

Sounds daft, but has been a blessing and saves lots of grumbles.

Fluffy, have you actually read the thread? Loads of us have said no need for serious grovelling. He acted like a child. And if he was so upset he could have acted like a grown up talked to you about the fact he was feeling ignored.