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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong ??

70 replies

Fluffy101 · 09/07/2014 21:55

Need some balanced views as currently I am fuming with my DH.

I have just been away with work for one night so technically he and my DS haven't seen me for almost two days, when I got back from work out my son to bed and put tea on and then had to make a few phone calls for work which lasted approx 20 mins, at this stage my DH was fuming and started slamming doors to show his displeasure all because it was 8pm and he hadn't seen me for two days.

Now he won't even speak to me and is sulking. I think his behaviour was very childish however in his defence he is not feeling well tonight, ..... So question is was I in the wrong for making these calls ?

OP posts:

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 22:56

Clearly there is an obvious way to circumnavigate this in the future.

But in this particular instance, the OP is getting home, doing everything, on top of working, and getting a hard time for it. confused]

Why is the DH not being expected to chip in, so as to free up her time to make the requisite fuss of him, and stop the tedious, PA door-slamming nonsense.

MrsWinnibago · 09/07/2014 23:00

I think you should have acknowledged him. I also think he's an arse for acting like a teen. If my DH had been gone for 2 days and got home without speaking to me and made calls I'd be mad too!

andsmile · 09/07/2014 23:03

Sort of YABU

You should have given him a bit of your time first then made the calls.

He missed you and was looking forward to seeing you?

GColdtimer · 09/07/2014 23:04

She was gone for less than 2 days for crying out loud. Not 2 weeks. And got everything sorted with an evening in front of them.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 23:04

Even if he'd got dinner on, and sorted the DC?

Really...?

Because if so, that makes you seem really quite unpleasant.

AskBasil · 09/07/2014 23:05

Oh OP you should have sucked his cock for a couple of hours before making your calls.

FFS.

AskBasil · 09/07/2014 23:06

And of course you shouldn't have sorted your DS out, there was a cock needing attending to.

And as for the dinner - well really, did you not notice the cock?

andsmile · 09/07/2014 23:09

DH and I make time to talk when weve been apart for a weekend or whatever. Whichever way round it is. If one of us is still 'busy' with finihing off loose ends (say unpacking or going straight back out) we know beforehand as we plan what we are doing for kids bedtime/food/tv.

GColdtimer · 09/07/2014 23:12

She was done by 8pm having worked, put dc to bed, made a few calls and sorted dinner. Can't believe all this "oh he missed you" stuff as justification for his childish sulks. It was two days and I presume they are no longer teenagers.

AskBasil · 09/07/2014 23:17

Really it seems that some people expect men to behave like self-centred teenagers all the time.

Expectations are just so low.

This is not normal reasonable behaviour. Reasonable men have grown out of it by the time they're in their early twenties. Those who haven't, are not reasonable men.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/07/2014 23:22

So depressing how much of a higher standard women are held to. And by other women, as well.

If the DH had got home after a night away, sorted the DC and got dinner on, made a few calls and the OP had responded by slamming doors and getting arsey, you can be quite sure that she would have been flamed to high hell, and back.

This man's behaviour is not reasonable, by any stretch of the imagination. And anyone trying to argue that it is, has really low standards. Fine if you want to accept it. Don't make out the OP should, too.

McBear · 10/07/2014 05:59

I completely disagree with a few of you here.

Is it not basic respect to acknowledge someone and show them that they mean a lot to you?

Someone said if the situation was reversed it'd be different. No it wouldn't. I'd expect the man to have basic manners too.

As for pulling his weight? Would I be wrong in guessing that he looked after their son while she worked away. Let's not forget one of mumsnets most common phrases but reversed she can only go out to work because he stayed at home with DS.

Yes he was a bit childish in his responses but so what. Just shows him and op are not perfect but neither are any of us...

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 10/07/2014 06:07

I'd have been a bit put out if my husband had been away for a couple of days, (he always is, every week, its the nature of our business) and he came home and got straight on the phone about something work related.

Im a really independent woman, it comes with being a military wife for 30 years, but if you've been away, you give the person at home your attention when you get in.

The phone calls were really thoughtless and your husbands reaction to them was daft.

VeryStressedMum · 10/07/2014 06:12

His behaviour is quite childish, but otoh my dh works away and I'd probably be a bit upset if he came home and barely acknowledged me.
Were you annoyed that the place was messy and there was no food for you?

EveDallasRetd · 10/07/2014 06:23

Maybe if he'd tidied up and put the tea on you would have had more time for him? I doubt a couple of phone calls took longer than that.

Slamming doors and sulking? Arse. I wouldn't apologise. I hate sulkers, it's so pathetic.

SignYourName · 10/07/2014 06:27

I think you're both in the wrong TBH.

You, for not spending more than a "quick hello" on your DH before you started tidying up (tidying up, FFS? Could a bit of clutter not have waited half an hour?) and making work calls.

Him, for behaving like a petulant child rather than helping with dinner.

I'm sure if the positions had been reversed and it has been the OP being arsey and slamming doors, she would have been flamed as a PP says above. I'm equally sure that if she'd posted saying "my DH was away for work for two days, AIBU to be upset he barely said hello to me before making yet more work calls?" then so would he.

JapaneseMargaret · 10/07/2014 06:59

He doesn't stay at home with the DC, McBear. He works, too.

ChineseFireball · 10/07/2014 07:12

Agree with Signyourname. Of course you should have given him a bit more than "a quick hello" when you/he got in. How about a chat about how things have been while you were away? I get that if you were still in "work mode" it could quite conceivably not have been on your mental list of things to do (given that you still had work to do and hadn't necessarily switched off yet), but still...It would have been a nice thing to do, and something I'd expect from my DH and what I'd do when coming home even after a couple of days.

But yes he is being an idiot for stomping about like a toddler. And he could have done some of the tidying or put the dinner on himself if he was home before you.

Sorry, OP. I think you are both being a bit thoughtless.

slartybartfast · 10/07/2014 07:17

i think it would have been nicer to talk to him before you made your calls. his response was pretty crap. may be thats why you didnt talk to him?

RudyMentary · 10/07/2014 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Fluffy101 · 10/07/2014 07:21

Thank you for all the replies I think from the replies it was 6 of one etc, me are both in our 40s so sadly no longer teenagers :) in hindsight I should have approached it differently , he is still ignoring me this morning, even though I did try to say I was sorry. :(

OP posts:

McBear · 10/07/2014 07:39

Yay Rudy!!!

Yes japaneseMargaret but he did look after DC over night while op wasn't there. This meaning, she could go and didn't have to worry...

Still in a mood this morning? FFS, go buy him a massive dummy to spit out.

AskBasil · 10/07/2014 09:54

The reason I mentioned "cock" is in order to use a figure of speech.

The point I'm making being that many women appear to believe that men need to be calmed down, soothed, pandered to and generally treated like bloody kings any time they do anything which a normal woman takes for granted, like looking after their own children for example. No amount of soothing is too much, it seems.

And that he's still sulking this morning?

Really? This is OK is it? This is how adults behave?

Even if the OP did one thing wrong (a quick hello is in order) the response to that one thing, is so disproportionate and outright fucking mad IMO that reading a thread full of "oh he missed you" "oh you should have pandered to him a bit more" is doing my head in.

Men are not children. This behaviour is deeply, deeply unsexy, unattractive and childish. How do some of you put up with the men you live with if they behave like this? It's just revolting. Women should not be told that this behaviour from men is OK. I admit it may be normal - I don't know how normal it is for men to be fuckwits- but OK? No.

This is all about women trying to convince each other that dreadful behaviour from men, is jsut something we all have to put up with because that's what men are like. No thanks.

Jan45 · 10/07/2014 10:55

OMG, can't believe a middle aged man is going about slamming doors, I'd be very concerned about that, that's pretty aggressive behaviour.

flappityfanjos · 10/07/2014 11:14

I was a bit hurt like this once. DH was overseas for a week and I was at home with baby DD, just after moving to a new area so I didn't know a soul. By the end of the week I was mooning around like a lovesick teenager, longing for him to come back. Finally he came through the door. I leapt up ready to hurl myself at him, he went "oh hello", walked straight past me and settled down on the bed for a nap. I could have cried. But I didn't slam any doors, I definitely wasn't still giving him the silent treatment the next morning, and after I'd thought about it for five minutes I could understand - he'd just got off an overnight flight and then travelled 100-odd miles from the airport, he was asleep on his feet. Later on we talked about it and he reassured me that he was really happy to be back with us.

At worst the OP did something mildly thoughtless. Her husband is being a brat about it. He could have just said he'd missed her and asked for a hug, for god's sake.

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