I have finally done it.

[QueenVick]

And I feel so peaceful.

I have finally cut my narcissistic mother out of my life. I will always remember Saturday the 5th of July 2014 as one of the most emotional days of my life. Both good and bad.

I won't go into the full story, too long and annoying to rehash, but needless to say it started with a phone call. Mother berating me for making a genuine timing mistake in a text to her. That phone call was the straw that broke the camel's back.

At first I was upset, but then I thought about having to go through things like this with her over and over for the rest of my life and I just knew I could no longer do it. I knew that the only thing I could do is go no contact with her.

I am only 5 days into the no contact and these have been some of the most peaceful 5 days of my life. DH commented how much happier I seem.

Of course like any good narcissist my mother isn't taking it well and has not only bombarded me with texts and phone calls but done the same to DH. We have both blocked her numbers from our phones and have not responded to her.

My dad, her enabler, is standing by her. Understandably so seeing as he is her enabler. I thought I would be devastated and in tears at losing my dad but I am not. I am waiting for her to rally the troops now and usually I would be so scared. Not now. I really don't care. I figure if they are easily manipulated by her to do her bidding with regards to me then I'm better off without them in my life.

I have a wonderfully supportive DH, my PIL and DH's extended family are fantastic and have always loved me for me.

I feel calm, peaceful, and most importantly happy.

Why didn't i do this years ago.

(Long time lurker coming out to say hey

This is going to sound weird but you'll get it.

Sorry and congratulations!

It's a horrible decision to make and you will get a few wobbles every now and again but please try to remember how you feel right now. That feeling is telling you, you have made the right choice.

Well done!

Thank you smile sandpipers, I know exactly what you mean

Arghhhh.
I'm sending myself crazy. I am starting to look at memories of my childhood, teen years etc in a new light and seeing them for what they were. I have no one memory of my mother that isn't tainted by her NPD.

I'm getting so angry over it and if I'm honest I'm pissing myself off big time. I still feel much more peaceful in my life and myself since I cut my mother out. I'm just so so so angry at the childhood I had thought was a good one, actually wasn't.

I don't know how to let the anger go. I wonder if it will ease after a while, it hasn't been that long, not even a couple of weeks, since I told her I wanted no more contact from her.

I think she believes it is going to blow over, I have waited for the 'troops' to stick their nose in but I don't think she has said anything to anyone yet. Which is unlike her.

I'm a mess I took the decision a couple of weeks ago to remove myself from my parents and sisters life. I can't cope with the hurt anymore. The pain has broken me sometimes I have moments of lightness and freedom and then bang sadness GUILT and pain. It washes over me and literally brings me to the floor there is just so much hurt I don't know how to process it. Today I barely made it through the school run memories keep coming up and wiping me out. Have I done the right thing the hurt I feel will it go will I ever feel OK again??? Then another part of me thinks if I have any chance of being me learning to be just me without their voices their ideas in my head their guilt their sneers their negative views of me I have to do this. I am just so scared of my future will I regret this will I finally taste freedom to be me. Will my marriage survive this? Will I change? Will I see my life through new eyes and not like it? So many questions and no answers every thread I have read on hear people seem so happy with their decision and at peace with it, I don't I feel guilt and hurt.

Ride the wave of anger out. I will start to pass but it's just that once you get the head space from them the fog starts to clear and you can see the abuse in little minor memories that seemed normal before. It's going to be like a huge crashing wave, and you may need to spend a few weeks walking around ranting to yourself about this thing she did, that time she said. Talk it out of your system, feel the anger but know it will begin to calm in several weeks/months. That peaceful feeling will come again, I promise.

(Been there, had a baby, let her back in, MISTAKE, back to NC again.)

LBZT that guilt and hurt is also normal. This is genuinely a grieving process. In the same way that when my father who was not a very nice man died, I grieved whilst still acknowledging that he wasn't a nice man.

You are in part grieving for the relationship you wanted to have with your family, the one that you should have, but don't. That's where the sadness and hurt comes from, because while people like this are in your life you spend the whole time constantly hoping they're going to realise what they are doing and stop that they value you enough to try she change. Once you realise they won't change it feels like you aren't worth anything to them, that hurt is like being 5 years old again and your mother walking away from you.

It's another wave to ride. Feel the pain, feel the guilt, cry, let yourself feel these feelings and know that they are normal and that they RIGHT THERE are the reason you're doing this

Thank you Shadows your words mean a lot Thank you. I hope if I can hang on for a few months I will start to feel calmer, my father had a heart attack about 6 weeks ago which just adds to the whole dynamic.
Sorry Queenvick for hijacking your thread.

It does get easier. But slowly. It is hard when you have l

It might sound a bit woo and silly but I found imagining my younger self and talking to her really healing and helpful in letting go of the anger. I just acknowledged her feelings of hurt, told her she was right to feel that way and gave her a hug, then let her know things will get better and there will be no need for her to feel that anger when she is the age I am now. I think there's a word for it in therapy - "reparenting" or something, but essentially it's a case of healing those wounds yourself and being your own parent so to speak.

Sorry

Lived a certain way which was 'normal'. Now you need to discover a whole new 'normal' and that can be hard but it doesn't last forever.

There will be lots of anger, sadness and grief. All perfectly right and a lot of self reflection and learning about who you are.

But it is worth it. I found that I got to the point where I was sick of feeling horrible and sad and angry. And now I am a lot more content and happy.

Well done ladies.

I don't feel anger I guess that's to come?
cailindana my DH talked about reparenting it was something he learnt about that in counselling.
I am just in the process of accepting that I can feel these things unfortunally with saying I have a right to feel I have been swamped with "feelings"
I feel like I started this whole thing of when I was one, apparently one day my mother went to hug me I pushed her away, my my parents than decided I didn't need hugs or love anymore. I have no memories of being hugged or kissed as a child apart from when my dad hit me badly one day he wouldn't stop hitting me I was in a ball and then I was sent to my room my mum then said I had to make my dad feel better and he wanted to know that I still loved him and i had to let him hug me. I HATED IT.

I can't imagine how horrible this is for you.
Would counselling/therapy help you through this?

Well done on going NC - it's for your health and sanity and always remember that!

Oh sweetheart. Do you have kids? If you do, remember when they were one, or if you don't have a look at one year olds when you're out and ask yourself if it's remotely possible for them to decide they don't need love or hugs any more. They're babies. My one year old pushes me away all the time - what do I do? I tickle her, I chase her, I leave her be and get a hug later, I certainly don't decide to treat her like shit for the rest of her life and blame her for it.

Would you consider having some counselling?

LBZT, please don't worry about hijacking the thread, it's good to speak out about these things, helps each other.

(sneaking this in while at work, I will be back later

Yes I do have kids 3 of them. DH comes from an equally bad background he has just finished some counselling, the plan is to re-balance the finances and then I am going to book some sessions.

We are both 1000% determined that our babies will have everything we were denied as kids. So far OK they all seem happy and well balanced and all know they are loved. I worry that they lack confidence as DH and I are not very confident due to childhood.

cailindana I only found out a few years ago why I was never hugged or kissed as a child, up until then I was just confused by it all. I can't get my head round why the actions of a baby would cause a parent to do that. There is just so much more, a lot worse than the hug thing.

Queenvick thank you, your thread seems to have come into my life at a desperate moment. Thank you.. today you have helped me. Thank you.

Your actions didn't cause anything. Your parents know somewhere deep down that what they did was wrong but rather than admitting that they blame you for how they behaved as it makes them feel better.

cailindana I think you are right. I have copied and pasted all your wise words. I have also had a good cry your kindness has touched me. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Shadows Thank you for your words I have read and re-read and will keep your words for whenever I am struggling. They mean a lot. Thank you

Aussiebean Thank you I like the "new normal" idea I am going to use that. Thank you.

hellsbells I have re-read your line "it's for your health and sanity and always remember that!" I think I am going to put that on my fridge.

Wish there was an edit button!!! Meant to add a Thank you to hellsbells

Thank you hellsbells

I really hope that others are able to take some strength from all you ladies words.

Things will get better LBZT. These low times are really really hard, but they are worth it for the new feeling of strength you will have later on. I know for myself having my children to focus on is a great help. I devalue myself so much that I feel I am not worth all the struggle and pain, but if I remind myself that i need to do it for my children, then it feels worth it. I am willing to keep going for them even if I'm not willing to keep going for myself. That said, in the last few years I have started to value myself a lot more and I am more willing to do it for myself, which is great. I still wobble, a lot, and still have to justify myself to myself, and still put myself down etc etc but it's not nearly as bad.

I think the problem is that once you go NC you start to step out of the FOG and see how monstrously they have behaved and it is a bit shocking.

Even though you know what they have done to you, you start to see it more clearly, almost like an outsider, and it can be overwhelming.

Please keep yourself safe by staying NC and ignore the flying monkeys and claims of DM being "near death" or whatever. Being NC has enabled me to make such amazing strides forward in every aspect of my life, including with my friends/DC and my career.

I just hadn't realised the full enormous extent of the blight my DM had on my life.

Good luck - and yes, do try counselling.

I'm so sorry for everyone on here who has experienced what its like to have families like ours. Well done OP on making the break! It's perfectly normal to swing between being incredibly happy and relieved that you decided to go NC, and to swing back to being angry and devastated at the hurt they caused you. It's normal to hold all of those feelings at once.

Psychotherapy has been my way forward. I really do believe that this stuff is too dark and too scary and too damn hard to get through it alone. I'm 4 years and its been hell, the most painful thing I've ever done, but I am so much better for it. I can finally feel myself getting to a point where the FOG is lifting and all of their madness just doesn't matter to me anymore. I think there will always be a part of me that feels sad that I don't have a family in any meaningful sense, but I'm also relieved that I have been able to realise that and move away from them.

I like cailin's advice about 'reparenting' yourself. I don't think of it as reparenting because 'parent' is still quite a negative word for me, but I try to talk to myself like I'm my own best friend. It feels weird at first but soon becomes more natural. Try praising yourself for every little thing you do or get right - for remembering to take an umbrella when it's raining, for making a nice dinner, for saying something kind to someone else, for doing a good workout, whatever. It helps to build up a positive, nurturing voice in your head, instead of the harsh critical one that so many of us have.

Good luck to everyone on here

Oh bless you LBZT
I hope it's all helping you too.
for you both!

My DH is worried that I will regret my decision. We talk and he understands but says what happens in 3-4 years time if I think I have done it all wrong and can't go back. I asked him why can't you support me because you sound like you are just questioning me. His reply was "that is my job to question to make sure that you are making the best choice for you".
My question to others is what did your OH say with your choice to go NC and did you feel supported by them.

I'm NC with family members, have been for nearly 13 years.

I took the decision because anybody I invest my emotions in need to be a positive influence in my life on balance. These people didn't come anywhere close.

They couldn't help it, who they are was do ingrained in them that they'd not improve, if anything they'd get worse with age (which they have with others so that theory proved correct!).

I'm do glad I went no contact. I've no regrets.