I have finally done it.

[QueenVick]

And I feel so peaceful.

I have finally cut my narcissistic mother out of my life. I will always remember Saturday the 5th of July 2014 as one of the most emotional days of my life. Both good and bad.

I won't go into the full story, too long and annoying to rehash, but needless to say it started with a phone call. Mother berating me for making a genuine timing mistake in a text to her. That phone call was the straw that broke the camel's back.

At first I was upset, but then I thought about having to go through things like this with her over and over for the rest of my life and I just knew I could no longer do it. I knew that the only thing I could do is go no contact with her.

I am only 5 days into the no contact and these have been some of the most peaceful 5 days of my life. DH commented how much happier I seem.

Of course like any good narcissist my mother isn't taking it well and has not only bombarded me with texts and phone calls but done the same to DH. We have both blocked her numbers from our phones and have not responded to her.

My dad, her enabler, is standing by her. Understandably so seeing as he is her enabler. I thought I would be devastated and in tears at losing my dad but I am not. I am waiting for her to rally the troops now and usually I would be so scared. Not now. I really don't care. I figure if they are easily manipulated by her to do her bidding with regards to me then I'm better off without them in my life.

I have a wonderfully supportive DH, my PIL and DH's extended family are fantastic and have always loved me for me.

I feel calm, peaceful, and most importantly happy.

Why didn't i do this years ago.

(Long time lurker coming out to say hey

Do = so

I am very low contact with my family and DP is fully supportive. I can see what your DP might be getting at but honestly, they've been so awful to you, why would you regret it?

I'm in need of a bit of advice.

I have received a letter from my mother, I know it is from her as I recognise her handwriting on the envelope.

I got it on Friday last week and have been thinking about it all weekend [crazy] I have not opened it, I don't want to open it (at least not at this point in time)

So I see my options as the following;

A- Bin it, unopened and unread.

B- Open it and read it.

C- Send it back to her unopened.

D- Keep it to possibly read in a few weeks/months/years time.

I am curious as to what she has to say but I do not want to read it, at least not until I am more emotionally and mentally healthy and prepared.

If I am truly honest, I want to send it back to her unopened, so she can see and will know I have not read it. I do however think this is maybe a petty option on my part and would be doing it to hurt her in some way, which I don't want to do. I don't want to even think about her to be honest. (although it is not very easy to put out of my head at the moment)

I keep thinking what ever I do she is going to be saying awful things about me to whoever will listen to her, so I should just do what I want at this point as opposed to what is best.

I am really confused about what to do. DH thinks I should either bin it unread or send it back to her unread. He has, however, offered to read it for me if I want him to and he will let me know if he thinks I should read it.

WWYD? I just don't know what I should or what I want to do. [crazy]

Whatever she has to say in the letter won't be what you wish it to be. It will be more of the same.

I'd be tempted to let your DH read it and then bin it, just because my curiosity would be too great, but if you have the strength to send it back unopened that would send a good message.

Either way, good for you for taking charge. :)

Sorry she has done this.

If you do read it, just be prepared for it to be all about you and how bad you are and how she is effected by it.

My guess is there will not be an apology (maybe a passive aggressive one) and there will be steps that you will have to do in order for her to forgive you.

Maybe sit on it until you are ready mentally to either read it or bin. It.

If you send it back, you show a reaction to her. And that is what she wants

Absolutely send it back to her unopened.
That is the best option here.
Let her see that you are not putting up with all her put downs etc..
You know it will just list all of YOUR faults and all of YOUR failures.
Don't do it to yourself.
Send it back unopened.
No comments on it, nothing.
Stay strong.

OK. Let's do a Columbo on it:

1. It is full of vitriol, you are the worst daughter - you will feel worse
2. It will apologise, but it seems you have had a misunderstanding - you won't feel good, is she still blaming you?
3. It will be full of abject apologies, she is the worst mother - like you will fall for that one!
4. It will contain details of your/her childhood you were unaware of, this will 'explain' why she is as she is - well, as it isn't her fault, nothing will change.

I can't think of anything she could put in a letter that would leave you feeling secure to contact her. All would leave you feeling suspicious or manipulated.

It would be easy to say, yes, send it back unopened... but I see how hard that would be. You would then always be uncertain, did you act unreasonably? She would certainly claim so.

As for DH reading it, I am not sure that would get you anywhere. You'd be back to the options or to not having read it but knowing he knows.

So, maybe read it with DH, so you both know precisely what it says. Then send it back, either with a note saying something like you appreciate she wanted to communicate but this has not changed how you feel, or no note at all - I think that will depend on the contents.

But the letter should never become The Letter, read it, bin it, send it back. It is just some paper and ink. Don't let it become more.... good luck xx

I think I ought to just bin it.

I do want to send it back to her unopened, but only to make a point to her, but I don't think she will get the point though. I just wanted her to know that she cant get to me via this avenue either.

I know full well the letter will be a list of my faults and her perfectness, of how much she has done for me and how dare I not speak to her. I know this. A part of me wants her to recognise what she is doing/has done and be repentant for it. I know that will never happen. I doesn't stop me hoping though.

I don't want to give her any reaction to this (that she knows of)
She has text me and DH a couple of times over the weekend. I think she must have either got a new phone number or borrowed one as we have both blocked her and dads mobile numbers.

Argggghhhhhhhhhhh. This is so 'headwreakingly crazy.' [crazy]

If you don't want to send it back then burn it.
Might be therapeutic to do that?

Haha hellsbells, the thought did cross my mind if I'm honest.

I think I might do just that. As soon as I get home.

Thank you everyone

Queenvick if you can't decide what action to take don't take any action. You don't need to put pressure on yourself to do anything with it just yet. Your in control here decide you don't know what to do and just give yourself some time to process what action if any you will take.

Something occurred to me over this weekend that even though in the past I wanted to remove my parents/sister from my life I just wasn't able to. What I realized is that I am now strong enough to do it and go through all the pain/guilt that comes with my choice. To see that I am in fact strong was quite a boast to myself. Just thought I'd share hoping this might resinate with others.

Thanks LBZT, what you have said does resonate with me. I shocked myself at how strong I felt as cutting my mother (and subsequently my dad ) out of my life. I feel so much stronger now, now I know I can do this and that I do not need to have her in my life just because she is my mother. It is a sad state of affairs that people who have not dealt with cannot truly understand.
This is why I love MN.

I do need to take action though, this letter has been like a noose around my neck this weekend and I need it dealt with one way or another. I just didn't know what to do for the best. Talking to DH about it helped, but didn't resolve anything for me.

It's been quite a stressful weekend tbh, DD2 has got yet another chest infection her 2nd in 4 weeks, and a bout of tonsillitis thrown in for good measure within that time.
Had DD1 in tears over something that happened at school in the last week before the end of term and I'm not quite sure how to help her with it. (Might start a thread for some more advice lol)

The letter got in my way, took up headspace that would have been better spent helping the DD's IYSWIM.

queenvick do you trust your husband's judgement?

Ask him to open it and read it and decide if/when you should look at it. Or save it for 15 years' time or bin it.

I really wish you and LBZT well, going NC is hard. In the long run it's like moving from living in a dark prison to a free life though.

Meerka, I trust DH's judgement implicitly. In fact more than I trust my own. I haven't been my own person for the majority of my life due to my mothers NPD. I am only just starting to discover the real me.

At first I was angry and so fucking pissed off with her that I couldn't see straight. Then I got sad, weepy and so very upset. Playing old memories over and over and seeing them in a new light. I still do that now (over 4 weeks on) but it is getting less and less. I am starting to see the light now. You are right it really is like moving from a dark prison to being free.

I am curious to know what is in the letter but not enough to actually read it, if DH reads it then I will want to know what she wrote.
I don't think anything good can come of me reading it.

I would burn it. Unread. That way you have the certainty of knowing the information has been put out of reach. You know it won't be a letter that will in any way help you, that's not its purpose. Sending it back will cause a reaction (which is what she wants) and keeping it unopened will gnaw at you.

Get it out of your life.

ignorance is bliss........so they say, maybe in this case it is.

ok, it sounds like you know waht the right thing for you is, not to read it or get it even second hand ... you're right, nothing good will come of reading it.

Sad when a parent acts towards a child like this, so consistently for so many years, that the child KNOWS ahead of time that nothing good can come in a letter.

If head and heart are agreeing that it needs chucking or burning, then the decision is delightfully clear =)

CailinDana, that's what my psychotherapist told me to do actually. so not woo or silly at all!

I wouldn't even send it back because even that's a response that can stoke up her sense of righteousness. Just throw it in the bin and empty some porridge and teabags over it. And never ever refer to it.

Plus if your mother receives a returned in the post letter she will tell all your relatives 'oh my cold hearted dauughter returned my letter". FAR better to leave her uncertain wondering 'did my letter arrive?', 'has she read it?', 'has her husband read it?'

just leave her wondering.

Yes I agree ignorance is bliss.

Thank you MNers for helping me see the right way to go

I feel like I'm falling apart. I think it has really just hit me properly. I am devastated that my life has ended up like this. I cannot stop crying and I am at work

I don't know what to do. My depression is at an all time high right now and for once I know what has triggered it.

A few days ago DH and I went to the cinema, as we were driving there, I saw my mum on the path of the main road in our town talking to one of her friends. She looked so happy, smiling and laughing etc. It pissed me off royally. I don't even know why I am so shocked to be honest. I knew she wouldn't care but it hurts so damn much.

I am sure DH is sick of hearing me talk about it and I have no one I can confide in.

I don't know what to do.