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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

A ladies point of view please im sorry its so long

186 replies

bigbear38 · 09/07/2014 16:54

I have been with my partner for 8 years now. We have 1 son. She moved in with me pretty much straight away. I have always been very sucessful and ran my own business own my own house and have a savi business head. She has never really had any great jobs that really brought in much money. When my son was born she wanted to go back to work part time and put my son in nursery but with the nursery fees she would be hardly earing much more money so i told her she should stay at home and help me with my bills and paperwork and i would giveher some money to help her pay for the bills but she wanted to go back as she wanted her own freedom and her own money so she went back to work. We agreed that when she isnt at work she would spent the other days dedicated to doing my company work but everytime i got home hardly anything had been done. She would make an excuse up saying that she had to clean the house or take car of the baby Or that i hadnt given her a list of what to do but anyone with half a brain would know to look on the computer and go through the accounts, do a bit of research but with her always a reason why not to do something.It would really annoy me because i would fall behind with sending out my bills and so therefore in turn i wouldnt get paid. She cant understand that its important to get this stuff done because its our family business, although she does pay all the utility bills, i still pay for the mortgage, repairs on the house and any little treats at the weekend plus buying the nice things for the house. She gets really angry when i call her up on it and says i shouldnt be pressurising her and making her feel inadiquate when i dont share my chores with the baby but at the end of the day i am working a manual job and running around all day (mostly after everyone else) she is just sat at a desk all day when shes at work. She also really annoys me because her idea of cleaning up is throwing everything into a cupboard instead of clenaing it properly. I told her the other day that she should do one of her super cleans in the kitchen bcasue it gets grubby from the toddler but she just find any excuse not to do it. Some days i get up to go to work only to find there are no clean work clothes what does she do all day?????? We had a huge row last week because i got home from a really busy day and she had made me soup i was so pissed off!! Had i have known she had made me soup i had got myself some lunch. I was starving and had to then go out to a shop and buy junk food. Another thing that really gets my goat about this person is she just isnt like a real women she isnt bothered about nice soft furnishings for the house like pictures and nice cushions etc if i call her upon it she says she cant afford it after paying the bills and the 2 sofas that she pays for but yet she can go out and buy coffee with friends. Other women make such an effort with their house and make sure that it well presented but its like shes just not bothered she would rather bury her head in the sand like a moron. I feel like she isnt being a partner towards me and that she is just taking and not putting in. I feel that she is not making any contribution or effort towards our home. I looked after my son the other afternoon for a couple of hours but was pissed off to find there was not any baby food for him. She said it was because he no longer has jars and she cooks him pasta or fresh food but to be honest i just thought it was an excuse because of her laziness. In the morning when she gets up and gets him ready for nursery she gets him ready on the bed where im sleeping its so annoying and disrespectful. I think she would rather lay in bed all day festering than do anything productive. She says im abusive towards her but im just telling her for her own good because she comes from a diferent back ground than me. She has come from a background where having a nice house and nice things isnt important hence the reasons of why i think she is lazy when it comes to the upkeep of the house.Can anybody offer me any advice as to what to do with this person or any similar experiences? i feel that i am gouing round in circles with her. She is ruining our family. Do i just cut my losses and find someone who can step up and be a women and appreciate the things she has????? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 09/07/2014 23:16

OP, I'm working late on something mentally challenging so you must understand, this is light entertainment for me. Here is what you said.

Together 8 years; son.
I am successful/she never brought in much money
She works and does my company work – but not enough
She pays the utility bills, I pay the mortgage
She does childcare and chores
She doesn’t clean up properly – she makes excuses
She doesn’t provide me with clean workclothes
She expects me to eat soup.
She isn’t like a real woman [because] she isn’t bothered about nice soft furnishings for the house – other women make such an effort
She can’t afford those but she can buy coffee with her friends
She is like a moron
She is taking and not putting in
She feeds the baby fresh home-cooked food, not jars
She disturbs my sleep in the morning by dressing the baby – that’s disrespectful
She says I’m abusive
She comes from a different back ground than me - where having a nice house and nice things aren’t important
She is ruining our family.
Do i just cut my losses and find someone who can step up and be a women and appreciate the things she has?

Some parts of that made me laugh.

YouAreMyRain · 09/07/2014 23:21

How did you manage to run your business without her but now you need her? Since you got together your workload has eased and hers has increased. Not fair.

Did you have any other girlfriends before her? You seem very confused about how relationships work.

TSSDNCOP · 09/07/2014 23:29

Thank you MNHQ! I have no issue being deleted under these circumstances.

BathildaBagshot · 10/07/2014 00:19

Well I've never been deleted before but am proud for this time only. Woman scorned comes to mind. I only hope your wife reads this.

BathildaBagshot · 10/07/2014 00:21

Also kudos to MNHQ for not getting rid of the whole thread Grin

justiceofthePeas · 10/07/2014 00:42

Seriously OP what partner?

If you are going to give yourself an imaginary gf you could have got yourself a proper woman one that filled your imaginary house with cushions gafuckinglore.

Look up the following terms instead:
Bookkeeper
Cleaner
Cook
Personal assistant
White space

Layla001 · 10/07/2014 00:51

I can't even speak.......

You suck. You really suck.

Staywithme · 10/07/2014 01:00

Dammit! Is it wrong that I really, really want to know what the deleted threads said? Confused

I can't help wondering if the OP broke his puter, iPad, etc by furiously typing out this rambling story. I can just picture him muttering darkly whilst thumping the keyboards. Grin

WellWhoKnew · 10/07/2014 01:24

Well I've never been deleted before but am proud for this time only.

My thoughts exactly, BathildaBagshot.

Some threads that remain are within lines because they haven't used the words: twat or troll, but it is clearly implied.

AveryJessup · 10/07/2014 02:03

LTB, bigbear.

She is abusing your good nature and generosity. You offered her the chance to stay home full-time to take care of your child AND work running your business in a menial role (which would be on her level since she is a 'moron' as you say). She refused that and wanted to go out to work and now she is slacking off on housework, cooking your dinner, cleaning and even getting your clean clothes ready for work. She has no excuse - everyone knows that taking care of a baby is no big deal. You did it yourself for 2 hours the other day and I bet it was a piece of cake.

Seriously, there are women out there who would just be lining up to be servant partner to a generous, considerate and selfless alpha male like you. Why are you nice guys always taken advantage of, eh? Life's just not fair! Move on and find the servant woman of your dreams. You deserve so much better Grin

QisforQcumber · 10/07/2014 08:59

My first deletion!

As you were.....

LoisPuddingLane · 10/07/2014 09:31

While this is clearly (although not that clear - paragraphs! My eyes!) a wind-up, it does reflect a rather worrying attitude. Even if written in fun, there is a real cuntish entitlement and dislike of women behind this post.

Wind-up merchant or not, I pity any woman you end up with, OP. Oh, and straighten the cushions on the way out, there's a good chap.

momb · 10/07/2014 09:54

Natbear 48: I think you may have changed my life for the better and made me a better woman/partner/person. Thank you for your posts. Enjoy your study leave.

ScouseBird8364 · 10/07/2014 10:49

Oh I really want bigbear to come back, ha ha!! Gotta be a wind up, no? Shock

springydaffs · 10/07/2014 10:50

You're not my ex-husband come back from the dead are you?

It was a shame when he died.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/07/2014 10:52

Oh dear.

sassy34264 · 10/07/2014 11:33

Totally wrong that I crackled at springydaffs Grin

I'm with the op here.

I have no, non, nada interest in soft furnishings. I have no cushions (bar the ones that came with the couch) I have no ornaments. I have 2 pictures up, but only because the nails were in when I moved in and 2 people bought me the pictures.

I've often mused that as a woman there is something seriously wrong with me. hmmmmm

Grin
sassy34264 · 10/07/2014 11:34

crackled ?!

Cackled

downunderdolly · 10/07/2014 11:50

Well I both crackled and cackled at Springy
x

differentnameforthis · 10/07/2014 12:26

when i dont share my chores with the baby but at the end of the day i am working a manual job and running around all day (mostly after everyone else) she is just sat at a desk all day when shes at work.

My dh works a manual job, he comes home after a 12hr day (with travelling) and does some house work, looks after the girls etc. Today he did the bills, cooked dinner for the girls & kept them amused while I slept off a killer of a headache. I am a SAHM, dh & I share the workload, because we both created the dc & we both want to live in this home.

oldgrandmama · 10/07/2014 12:27

I've just had a look at my cushions (17 in all). I gave one or two a bash with closed fist to 'plump them up'. Several moths flew up ... Ah. That explains while I am alone and manless. [Does a little arthritic dance of happiness and relief]. As for springydaffs, I had an ex like that - and he's dead too (bloody hell, that sticking pins in a little effigy things really works ...Grin)

AdamLambsbreath · 10/07/2014 12:29

Mind how you go now, Lois, momb, scouse . . . there's been a whole lot of deletin' going on Wink

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 10/07/2014 12:32

ODFOD.

And for the sake of your poor wife, please set her free. She must be miserable to live with such a massive wanker.

bitconfuzzled · 10/07/2014 12:47

I think I've dated BigBear Shock

The "festering in her pit" particularly reminds me of one amazing ex-boyfriend!

I'm more sad that he obviously thinks he's right and justified in his actions and opinions. Let's hope she gets a MN card slipped into her handbag on the tube...

Just so that I've said it - OP, you're wrong. Your partner is a person and deserves to be treated like a human being rather than your PA. Also, don't mix business and pleasure, if you need a secretary, hire one - let your partner get a real job and get out of the house.

LurcioAgain · 10/07/2014 12:49

No where near as much fun as the massive member thread... But then that could be because (allegedly and giving OP benefit of doubt and leaving aside concerns over MNHQ's batteries) it's REAL!!!

Anyway, fwiw OP, LTB (her, not you).