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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A few more weeks down the line

31 replies

tornandhurt · 09/07/2014 14:16

I posted a few weeks ago, having discovered DH was cheating on me with a work colleague. I received lots and lots of helpful advice and suggestions from you guys and so I thought I'd post an update.

ATM we are still together and "attempting" to reconcile following this. Some days are better than others.

My biggest thing at the moment is this over-powering need to know absolutely every single detail. I think because there have been multiple confessions - it started with just being some texts and one kiss, to meeting up regularly and oral sex, to intercourse etc etc. I think this is where I'm hitting a brick wall.

I have actually now written all my questions down and given them to him. I've asked him to write it down being 100% honest.

To be honest I don't know what I hope to achieve from this, but I just feel stuck at the moment and that I can't even begin to move forward (if at all) until I have these answers.

Most of the questions I've already asked, but because my mind is working overtime I'm getting myself in a right state.

Of course now I'm stressing over actually reading his answers later as I'm fully expecting something else he has omitted to tell me.

I know most people will think I'm totally nuts. Bottom line is its so very hard to just stop loving the person you believed to be your soul mate, but I'm just not sure we'll make it.

OP posts:
thecatsmother72 · 09/07/2014 14:25

My heart goes out to you. The same thing has happened to me but I only found out on Friday. Am currently at work so can't reply in depth but wanted to offer you my support. Will respond later. Take care xx

Original poster
tornandhurt · 09/07/2014 14:48

no problem thecatsmother72. By all means share your experience x

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 09/07/2014 14:51

Sorry to read this. Do you think it would help to ask him to move out for a few days and give you some distance/time to think about things?

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 14:53

No you're not nuts at all and you should ask and ask as much as you feel you want to, your OH should, be bending over backwards to appease you and he should also be flourishing you will proclamations of love for you, if neither of these things are currently happening then I'd be making plans to start afresh.

Re the list of questions, no you won't ever get the true answers, ever.

You don't stop loving the person but that doesn't mean you are able to forgive, forget and move on, point is OP, and no offence, do you really think he loves you the way you deserve and expect?

Original poster
tornandhurt · 09/07/2014 15:06

He spent a week on nights the other week so we essentially spent a week apart - which did help at the time I think, although of course then I was consumed with "is he really at work" - he was and did actually make a good effort to prove this.

He genuinely is making more of an effort, but of course is this purely because he's been caught out. If I hadn't found out would it still be going on? - My heart says yes, although he doesn't believe it would be as (perhaps like most cheaters) I've had the "she didn't really mean anything, it was a stupid mistake for which I will never forgive myself" blah blah. Cos of course that's going to make me feel better, not. That he would happily risk throwing our marriage away for someone that meant nothing!

In terms of does he love me? I believe he does, but whether that's enough to keep me going or whether that's good enough its too early to tell I think.

I suppose I really just want to take my time over this. I would love nothing more than for us to be able to get through this and come out stronger, but I just can't make him any promises.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 09/07/2014 15:11

Best thing you could do OP is tell him for the meantime, you want to live separately, it's not an unreasonable request after what he has done to you.

You will find you will think better and have a better judgement on what went on if you have space away from him. It also let's him know you are no walk over and are not going to tolerate such shit behaviour.

So, what if he makes another stupid mistake down the line?

Sorry I'm not saying this isn't salvageable but it's not going to be an easy ride and tbh now is the time to sit back and reflect on whether you feel he does really love you, not in his way but in the way you feel you want to be loved and expect, I don't see how you come back from an affair, the relationship will always now be tainted and your trust is always now broken.

At least make him work for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2014 15:20

Where you are is still in the shocked, panicky, information-gathering, highly emotional stage. Mentally you're trying to go in ten different directions at once. You're hanging onto 'love conquers all' like a rabbit's foot. You really don't want to consider this being the end of the relationship but it will be there in your mind like a black hole as 'the thing to be avoided' .

There will come a point, however, when the panic subsides, you've asked all the questions and you've had all the answers he's prepared to give. He may even start looking irritated if you bring the subject up. That's when you'll find out if what's left is worth hanging onto or if it's just a source of contempt.

Vivacia · 09/07/2014 15:53

Apart from drip-feeding you the truth, how is he trying to work through this? Him, not you.

Vivacia · 09/07/2014 15:54

Oh, and I would want the details too. Not just about the level of intimacy, but every last lie he told me or penny of our money he spent.

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 16:03

He will never admit the truth, he will tell you what he thinks you want to hear or what he thinks sounds less hurtful.

Original poster
tornandhurt · 09/07/2014 16:09

He certainly seems to be attempting to make an effort. Calling during the day (we both work full time so not always easy) - but he lets me know if he needs to go out etc. Keeping me posted in terms of the transfer (I said that if there was to be any hope one of them needed to move and quick). Helping more with the children and spending more time with us as a family - you know all the little things that really he should have wanted to do anyway.

The only barrier at the moment is that I'm just nowhere near ready to be close to him - he tries to cuddles me sometimes and I just have to pull away as it makes my skin crawl. - God I sound so horrible!

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/07/2014 16:13

Why on earth do you think you sound horrible? I think you're reacting perfectly naturally to a horrible situation. Of course you aren't going to want to cuddle him, he betrayed you in the worst possible way. Things aren't suddenly going to be normal again. Your feelings and reactions are perfectly valid.

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 16:17

You sound horrible, seriously you do not, he does, you're reacting to someone who has shat all over you, you may never be able to get over it, only time will tell and of course, his continued attempts to reassure you that he loves you all the world, not just sometimes.

Vivacia · 09/07/2014 16:20

Not wanting him to touch you is perfectly rational to me, thinking where his hands have been recently is want to chop them off.

Sorry, not helpful.

Original poster
tornandhurt · 09/07/2014 16:36

No you're absolutely right and that's exactly what I've said to him. Sometimes I just want him to hold me and convince me he's really as sorry as he says, and other times I want to smack him in the face, rip his nuts off and tell him to shove it!

OP posts:
Fontella · 09/07/2014 16:49

Why on earth would you even suggest 'you sound horrible?' Your reaction when he tries to touch you is the same as 99% of women would feel. He's been putting his dick into someone else ffs - if the thought of that doesn't make your skin crawl, I don't know what would.

He's going to be 'attempting to make the effort', checking in, being considerate and contrite and all the rest of it because he's trying to do as much damage limitation as possible. Don't give him brownie points for that. He's been caught out. His bit on the side, his dirty little secret .. isn't a secret anymore, and it's caught him off guard. You weren't supposed to find out. She didn't mean anything to him, but he was happy enough to fuck her and have oral sex with her and whatever else ... only he wasn't going to leave his wife for her, just keep the two of you on the go .. and you finding out has upset the applecart.

JonesTheSteam · 09/07/2014 17:04

Just to offer another perspective - sometimes the reality of what they've been doing really hits home and they are genuinely remorseful at what they've been doing rather than getting caught out....

I 100% believe it in my husband's case - I'm 6 months down the line from finding out about his affair.

I can honestly say that I have felt every emotion you have written here.

But it is getting better, slowly.

Only you know your DH.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this too...

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 17:09

How can you really be remorseful about doing something for months on end, we do things cos we want to, simple as that. Yes I'm sure he does feel a degree of guilt but I bet you he feels more pissed off at having been discovered.

Sorry OP but you now know the extent your OH will go to, to have his sexual kicks met, you also now know he's a liar, that won't ever change.

JonesTheSteam · 09/07/2014 17:10

Whatever Jan, whatever....

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 17:11

Sorry?

JonesTheSteam · 09/07/2014 17:12

Saying that they can't be really remorseful. Of course they can be....

Jan45 · 09/07/2014 17:15

Yes we can all be remorseful when we look back at our behaviours in situations, fact is, we do what we want at the time because we want to, nothing changes that.

Some folk can get over an affair, as you can tell, I'm not one of them.

thecatsmother72 · 09/07/2014 17:19

Op I completely understand how you feel. Completely. When you talk about how you believe you have your soulmate and then...yep. Unbearable.

I don't wish to hijack your thread but I will say my own feelings at the moment are continually shifting from pure, blind rage to a sort of helpless "how could you??!" to love and optimism and a belief that we can get through it. But I don't know. It's too early.

I have been deliberately avoiding any details and I would be physically sick if I saw her. When I found the texts from her there was a thumbnail of her and that was enough.

You need to give yourself as much time as this takes. Everything you've been feeling is absolutely normal and my god of course you're not horrible! The man you love has broken your trust and violated something you thought was unbreakable.

I am so sorry you're going through this and I know it will get better but please give yourself time. Do this at your pace, not his. Thinking of you.

Hickorydickory12 · 09/07/2014 17:21

You are so justified in your response op.

But I agree with Jones that sometimes they can be genuinely remorseful.

But you have to decide what the truth is. I don't think I could get over it and it would eat me up.

JonesTheSteam · 09/07/2014 17:21

I can tell.

You are very black and white about this.

I am not. And never have been.

And everyone is different. Maybe the OP is black and white, maybe she isn't.

But I do believe that if the person who had the affair examines why and realises that it was a choice they made and the reasons for it, they can be truly remorseful.

Just wanting to put across another perspective. That's all....