A few more weeks down the line

[tornandhurt]

I posted a few weeks ago, having discovered DH was cheating on me with a work colleague. I received lots and lots of helpful advice and suggestions from you guys and so I thought I'd post an update.

ATM we are still together and "attempting" to reconcile following this. Some days are better than others.

My biggest thing at the moment is this over-powering need to know absolutely every single detail. I think because there have been multiple confessions - it started with just being some texts and one kiss, to meeting up regularly and oral sex, to intercourse etc etc. I think this is where I'm hitting a brick wall.

I have actually now written all my questions down and given them to him. I've asked him to write it down being 100% honest.

To be honest I don't know what I hope to achieve from this, but I just feel stuck at the moment and that I can't even begin to move forward (if at all) until I have these answers.

Most of the questions I've already asked, but because my mind is working overtime I'm getting myself in a right state.

Of course now I'm stressing over actually reading his answers later as I'm fully expecting something else he has omitted to tell me.

I know most people will think I'm totally nuts. Bottom line is its so very hard to just stop loving the person you believed to be your soul mate, but I'm just not sure we'll make it.

This sounds like a perfectly usual reaction OP. Time will help of course.

In terms of getting to the truth, maybe not now but some time in the future, a meet up for a frank chat with the OW may shed more light.

This sounds like a horrific suggestion I know. But it did help me.

Has he had STI tests? I wouldn't touch him with a 10ft pole until you knew he had an all clear for everything possible.

He has stuck his penis in another woman. It would make my skin crawl too you are not horrible. You are human going through a bad time.

thecatsmother72 - better to share your feelings here I think so no need to worry.

I have actually met with OW. since my original post a few weeks ago, it got so unbearable as so many people were gossiping in DH's work - which travelled from store to store so rapidly that I ended up catching 5 people unknown to me personally standing gossiping about it literally 5 mtrs from my face.

I took the decision that I needed to go in and show my face in my husbands work, so I did. TBH in hindsight it was quite amusing and for a little while made me feel better. I have literally never seen anyone run so fast in my life when she spotted me.

I know what you mean though in terms of changing emotions. He's apparently answered all my questions so we'll see what happens tonight when I get in.

In some strange way I'm hoping maybe it will help me with a conclusion of some sort. x

Yes I am very black and white about it, you shit on me, it's over, I love myself a lot more than to accept that kind of treatment.

Being remorseful changes nothing and does not guarantee in the future, the same behaviour won't occur again.

In a lot of these scenarios the poor wife struggles on, usually due to having kids with said adulterer so doesn't want to upset the family dynamics etc....when in reality, if kids were not there, if finances were not an issue, a lot of women would say stuff this, I'm off.

Having said all that, I do agree, in some cases, there must be men who go all out to prove to their woman that they are indeed sorry and prove it on a daily basis - such men, I fear, are very much in the minority.

Just because I have chosen to stay doesn't mean I have accepted that kind of treatment.

There is a lot of criticism levelled at people who choose to try and make it work on these boards.

Choosing to stay and work through it takes as much bravery as walking away.

My view has nothing to do with your situation or the OPs but I am entitled to hold it.

I am not saying staying and working at it is the wrong decision, not if the man who has shat on you is doing everything in his power to make you feel loved and that it really was a terrible mistake, rather than, oh, I've been caught, best to make an effort and then 3 months later, it's under the carpet.

It's not about the OP trying to make it work, it really is about the cheater proving he can be trusted again.