Struggling

[ocpwr]

I feel a mess so this might come out all jumbled up.

I'm married with 5 kids 11 and under,my husband has just got a job in London that he says he loves,it's the first job for a long time that has made him happy. He leaves for work before the kids get up and comes home after they are all in bed so I do all the child care on my own during the week.This is a shock because he has always had a normal 9 to 5 job before.

For the last couple of years he has a tendency to talk about leaving me every 6 months or so, it would be like he's reevaluating his life and deciding he would be better off living by himself, so I would be gutted and crying for a few days but then he would change his mind and stay, I never understand why he does this because he never tells him.I just felt like he was playing games with my emotions one minute he wants me then he doesn't now he does.

when he got his new job a few months ago he totally changed,he got a new bank account which he refuses to let me have access to, I am bad with money but not totally untrustworthy with it. He works away quite a bit so if my child benefit runs out I'm stuck with no money.
Lately he keeps saying he wants to move out more and more but he just never does I really feel like he just messes with my head.

I suffer from quite bad depression and anxiety, I self harm when things get really bad. I am on medication. But I'm really struggling with looking after the kids by myself,they are playing up a lot recently and I can feel myself sinking deeper,I don't have any friends and my family live too far away.

yesterday morning he went on a work trip, for team building I think or something similar and I can't contact him at all. He hasn't called to see how we are, I'm worried I'm going to run out of money before he's back on Friday. I'm lying in bed with a sick 3 year old just totally freaked out and scared but not sure why.

I don't know why I posted or what I expect anyone yo say but I just can't stop crying at the minute and it's been that way for a while.

Hand holding until someone with more helpful advice comes along. However, this doesn't sound good for you at all. I'm massively impressed by you looking after 5 kids alone. But I think you might want to get some legal and financial advice - knowledge is power. That way you might find out that you actually want him to leave, and his threats don't have the same impact.

Are all the kids his? He would have to cough up a fair wack in child support and at least you would know where you are financially and not worried about not having enough money until Friday.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of an arse, at the very least.

They are all his kids, it's my eldest sons b day today which he will be missing.
He is a high earner so I shouldn't really be getting any child benefit but I'm worried I would have no money without it.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mum, the kids are great usually but I think when I sink deeper into depression it gets harder for me.

You are a victim of emotional abuse and that's why you're depressed. For him to threaten to leave you on a regular basis he's a nasty piece of work. It's not 'messing with your head' it's very deliberate and disgusting emotional bullying behaviour designed to upset and control you. Every time he does it your confidence takes a punch in the stomach. Every time you let him simply decide to change his mind, it goes down further. Leaving you without money is equally appalling behaviour.

Please seek help. Talk to your GP about the depression but please also get support from friends and family and tell them the truth of how he has been treating you. You could also talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 because this is a Domestic Abuse situation.

You are not failing as a mum, you are under intolerable stress because you are in a relationship with a disgusting bully.

Take it as though you have separated today. Ring tax credits and the job centre, ask about the emergency discretionary fund which is called different things in different areas and have his things packed when he returns. Ring Women's Aid if you don't feel up to all this quite yet. But for him to go swanning off, uncontactable by phone and leaving his young family with no money is the limit.

This is a rotten situation for yourself and your children. Do you have a local SureStart centre which offer a lot of support if you have children under age 5.
This situation is not going to get any easier as your husband is obviously making sure he gets more and more freedom and leaving you to cope with everything alone. I think you need to see your doctor to have your medication assessed to see if it is at the right dosage to see you through this massively stressful time. See if GP knows of any support services that could give you some additional help during this time.
Have you thought about trying to go it alone properly. You might be emotionally better off by yourself so you can build a life for yourself and children without this man keep messing with your head. You could contact an organisation like Stepchange who can give you guidance on budgeting so that you can get the most out of what money you do get.
You have to try and talk to your husband and make him set a budget for money he is going to give to you to support his family.
He is no doubt having a ball in London at the same time as neglecting his children which is totally wrong. If he doesn't want to be with you any more then he needs to be honest with you and stop this ridiculous emotional roller coaster that he has put you on.
Please see the doctor and please try and stay strong for yourself and your children's sake. They need you and you need some help and support here.

Thankyou for all your messages .
I'm terrified of doing it on my own and not sure I would cope.
My husband used to be so loving but he actually told me the last time he was going to leave that he can't be bothered to try to be like that anymore.

I feel like a bad person because he lists the bad things about me and I really do try to make myself a better person.

What a horrible situation for you to be in :(
You do know that he's not the only one who gets to choose whether or not to stay in the marriage though, don't you? You are perfectly entitled to say "this is not for me" if you have had enough.
I know exactly what you are feeling - I ended up on medication for anxiety (btw, I dont think you are actually depressed - it's natural to feel as you do when you live in those circumstances) and I put up with it for some time before I realised that my ds deserved better than a mother who was always crying.
Amazingly, within weeks of him leaving I was off the medication. Yes I'm poorer now but we have a happy home and I know exactly how much money I can rely on each month.
You do have the right to choose the life you want to live. You dont just have to sit there and let him have all the power.

He lists bad things about you so that he can control you on the one hand and justify behaving badly on the other... you do see that, don't you? It's a very common tactic of emotionally abusive men, to bring someone low by exaggerating or inventing 'faults'. You're now trying harder to be a better person, eager to please, crippled with anxiety and depression and what's he doing? Up to his balls in some woman in London I'm betting.

Emotional abuse

Financial abuse

You fear being on your own but I've rarely read an OP from someone so lonely as you. It's quite wrong that you live that way. Do you have someone IRL that you can confide in and who would help you get practical support?

Just a sudden thought: you say you are bad with money. Is that really true? And how are you defining what "bad with money" actually means?
if he has been telling you that you are bad with money because you run out before the end of the month, could that perhaps be because he has not "allowed" you sufficient to feed, clothe and provide for a family of 7? I am pretty good with money but even I can't work miracles - if I didn't have enough to budget sensibly in the first place, I'd run out too!
I'm thinking that you probably are not financially reckless at all - if you don't have enough, you will never be able to make it stretch!
Please don't let fear of not managing financially trap you in a situation that is making you ill as I'm certain you could manage that aspect of living independently absolutely fine.

OP. You can look after the kids on your own. You are coping. He is only there after the kids go to bed.

He won't change OP. He has got worse and will continue to do so. I know it's hard but you can change. You can take control of the situation.

Whilst he is away see your gp. Depression and anxiety is horrible but it can be treated. I suspect he will be the cause of it. Imagine if this was your grown up child. Raising five children and with a man that routinely tells her he wants to leave. I bet you would be furious with him and want her to get rid.

See your gp. Don't worry about money. You have five children and will receive tax credits housing benefit if you don't own your home council tax benefit child benefit and income support. As well as maintenance from him. You will financially be fine.

I separated from my now ex husband with four kids five and under. I was also terrified about how I would cope. But I was more scared of what the relationship was doing to my mental health.

It wasn't easy at first but the kids and I got into our own routine. Financially I learned how to handle money. And we went from strength to strength.

I agree that he is emotionally abusing you. Routinely threatening to go is exactly that. Cruel and manipulative.

There is more to life than being with a man like that OP. Your self esteem will be in tatters thanks to him. Look at you. Five no doubt gorgeous children that you are raising and only with child benefit. Amazing. Truly amazing. You are already coping without his presence or financial support. You can do this.

Hi OP. What a horrible situation to be in - I'm so sorry.

Quite often the most terrifying part of making a huge change is making the decision to actually do it and taking the first step. It's the first step that is the most overwhelming. But after that things will start falling into place.

From what you have said, there are absolutely no benefits of staying with this man. Finances aside, it sounds like you are already a single parent in all but name, and the most stress seems to be coming from his behaviour. Which is atrocious by the way. I get that people have busy jobs, and yes they need to go away for work trips. And that's normal. But what isn't normal is him refusing you access to funds - money which he can only earn because you are at home looking after the FIVE children that you BOTH created. Without you there do you think he could afford full time child care for five children? I don't think so. Listing all your faults? That's unbelievable. The only reason someone would do that is if they are deliberately trying to make the other person feel like shit. No good spouse would do that.

I genuinely believe that you would be much much happier without this man in your life - obviously you are distressed and might be focusing on the negatives, but even in that scenario those are some pretty enormous negatives. This man doesn't even care if his family have enough money to eat for fucks sake.

Please please call a solicitor, or make an appointment to get an idea of what you would need to do in order to separate. At the moment he is holding all the power over you of "I'm going to leave, oh no wait I'm not". It's all mind games. Rather than sitting around waiting for him to make a concrete decision, I think it would give you a much better sense of control to make that decision for yourself.

You can definitely do this. You can always look into moving back to your original area so you are closer to old friends and your family so they can offer practical and emotional support. The UK is not huge - you can work out custody arrangements between you two even if you live in different cities. Plenty of people do it.

Please do consider the advice here, because otherwise it really does seem like you are going to sink deeper into depression.

Not happy about this. Do you have any family support?
Like the people who have given good advice above, I think you'd be better off without him.
Many hugs and handholds for you. Five children though, that's an incredible blessing and a whole lot of joy waiting to happen. It might not seem so now, but your future can be so much better than the present. Good luck.

I really do appreciate all the advice.

He will give me money if i ask but i dont understand why the account cant be joint if i was to be more careful with money.it worries me that if he goes away and i needed money urgently i wouldnt have it.
I do think about leaving all the time but i feel weak and always hope he will turn back to the man i married.

i think a big problem is ive gained 3 stone so not thin anymore and i`m always so exhausted after the kids are in bed so our sex life has dwindled alot. which he does moan about.

I try and keep the house clean for him and try to make sure the younger 3 are in bed when he gets home so its peaceful.plus even though i`m overweight i do try to look nice for him but he just doesnt seem to notice the nice things i try and do.

His account can't be joint because if you have a joint account you'll know how much he earns and how much he spends.

If he's having and affair or seeing prostitutes, you'll see unexplained money going out of his account. That's why they keep their accounts secret.

Being fatter than you were, being tired, not wanting sex often, those are normal things for people with young children.

Stop 'trying' for him, ocpwr. Try for you. Try out these maxims:
'No-one else can make you happy, or stop you being happy if you insist on it.'
'I don't need his approval for anything I do.'
'I can manage. A little bit at a time. I can do it.'

I know I have to be brave and end the relationship, it's just taking that first step ,I have no rl support so it's hard.
My kids are wonderful and can definitely say I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them.

I feel terrible moaning because I know their are way more people in harder relationships than mine.

Three stone more does not sound overweight to me. And what the hell is it with men moaning about a lack of sex. He chose to have five kids with you and no one is superwoman OP. You can't look after them all day. Maintain a weight you are happy with. Keep the place tidy. Put them to bed and suddenly turn into a sex goddess.

I would suspect that of he was treating you with love kindness and respect you would find you would be more interested. Who wants to sleep with a man that moans at you. Belittles you. Brings your self esteem down.

Why should you have to ask for money either. That in itself I find very controlling and belittling. I would absolutely hate that.

OP don't you think you deserve someone that treats you gently. Makes sure you know you are important and not actually the bottom of his priorities. That loves the figure of the woman that bore five of his children. You are more than he will ever be. You are a mother of five and not only do you care for them you try to do your best for him too. What does he do for you. When was the last time he let you put your feet up. Asked you about your day. Came home with a bunch of flowers. Watched the children so you could go out for an hour or so.

We all deserve to be happy OP. You can make the choice. That's all it is. Making the choice and putting it in place. Everything else will work out.

OP I have a partner now and it's lovely. But I don't need him. I want him. After I separated I gained confidence in leaps and bounds. One day I sat there and thought look at me. Raising my four dc with no financial help from the father. Keeping my house tidy because I found when on my own I actually wanted to do it. No one was there to tell me off if it hadn't been done. No one was there to critise what I had done. The kids went to their dads at weekends and suddenly I had a social life again. I went to college. Worked full time. And realised that I was actually a strong capable woman. I have no doubt you will feel the same.

Ultimately despite all that what was most important was how my children flourished. I had been so low. So depressed. Always the bad guy because daddy just played with them whilst I was too tired. Without him and with my new found confidence I started feeling happiness. Started listening to music. Dancing and singing with my children. Our relationship improved hugely and then one day my daughter said mummy. You smile now. You smile all the time. I love your smile.

No one can be happy in a relationship like yours. You are worth so much more. Reach out to family and friends. Post on here so we can support you. Please just don't waste anymore of your life on this selfish controlling manipulative man.

Sweetheart your emotional state would improve hugely if you got rid if him, not only would you have none of the doubt and worry you have now but you'd be financially better off and your children would behave better.
The key is to make a lovely new peaceful life with your children without this idiot who brings nothing to your life.
I was a single mum of four and loved it and have to say that now I'm re married a find it tough when dh isn't here to help because I'm not used to being on my own, when I was always alone it would be easy.
Ask a friend to come with you to citizens advice or a solicitor.
I hope this is the start of a happier life for you.

"he just doesnt seem to notice the nice things i try and do"

He notices but it suits him better to have you anxious, easy to please and feeling down about yourself. Means you're not asking the awkward questions or making any demands.

It's a horrible situation and I would urge you to talk to someone about it in confidence.

I just wanted to say thankyou so much for all the lovely replies, i wrote my post this morning then really wanted to delete it but im glad i didnt and you have all given me things to think about.

You have to go on the offensive here OP. I know your confidence is down and you struggle with anxiety but it would represent enormous personal growth if you turn this back on him rather than getting bogged down in the un-winnable and cynically engineered state of 'how can I be a better wife?'

You INSIST on joint access to the bank account

You DEMAND to know where the fuck he is .... no training course is that far off the grid.. and you let him know you'll be checking up.

And if/when he threatens to leave you again you are going to HELP him pack his miserable bags.

One of the things I am learning OP is that with my ex husband I put him in charge of my happiness and self esteem. If he was happy with me I was happy with me. I thought if only I could please him more he would be happy.

It's only three years and some counselling later that I am learning that your self esteem and happiness is up to you. If you know how to be confident in yourself and what makes you happy no one can bring you so low again. It takes time. You are your own project. Are you unhappy with your weight or unhappy with it because you think he is. What do you think when you look in the mirror. Do you acknowledge to yourself what you achieve every day. Or do you berate yourself. Do you dress for him or do you dress for you. These are all important questions.

I put on a couple of stone in weight and became horribly self conscious. I'd been slim all my life. I still am even with the extra weight but found my new body image hard to accept. It wasn't the norm.

My bloke noticed I was being a bit weird about being naked and asked me about it. I admitted I was feeling unhappy with how I looked. He told me he loved my figure and that I actually looked healthier with some weight on me. I started looking at myself in the mirror and instead of noticing the bits of me that were bigger than before I started loving my new curves and now I am very happy with myself. Having a bit of extra weight doesn't mean unattractive. Unfortunately the media doesn't help with that idea. Be kind to yourself.

With finances some people aren't great with them. But how are you meant to learn if you aren't allowed to try. It's like saying oh once you overspent so you never get another chance. IMO your parter should be helping you manage it better not cutting off all finances unless you have to come asking like a little girl. You are a grown woman of five children. Sometimes people need a bit of help.

And OP. It's a wonderful feeling when you are on your own. You don't have to worry about what you have and haven't done. How you look and what you want to do in your spare time. You don't have to justify what you do to anyone but yourself. It's all up to you.

Yes things get hard too. When kids get sick or emergencies happen. But these are temporary. They don't last forever and you cope because that's what us mums do. Doesn't matter how you cope just that you do.

A much happier life is out there if you want it. But no one can make you take it. That's up to you.

I'm not at all surprised you have struggled with depression, that is what happens when someone emotionally abuses you. We look for validation and love from those closest to us, when disdain and ambivalence is reflected back at us, then it erodes your self esteem. If you love someone then it becomes all to easy to start to see yourself through their eyes.

If you are taking medication for depression and anxiety, could this be the cause of the weight gain? Although, if you trace this back to source, its the abuse that is causing it. loose the abuse and you won't need to medicate yourself. You can't cure the symptoms of an abusive relationship with any pill. But you can ditch the cause of the ill.

As for, threatening to move out, call his bluff, have his bags packed upon his return. If he is a higher earner, all good make him pay and then go out there and enjoy your life with your children.

So things have moved on since i last posted this.
I was texting him and calling him but getting no reply. i picked our kids up from school on wednesday when my daughter had a accident where she had to be taken to hospital, it was quite a nasty accident.
I texted him at the hospital when eventually he got in contact with me.
I had to borrow money off my sister to get to the hospital.
when he got back thursday night he told me he had ignored all my calls and texts.
I really cant forgive him for that,he wont say sorry and thinks their is nothing wrong with that.
i have decided to seperate but im really scared.

Please don't be afraid darling. You would be so much better off without him. He is not being a husband or father right now and he is treating you very badly. You say he is a high earner, well you and the children will be entitled to a nice chunk of those earnings via maintenance. Take a stand against him, ask him to leave ASAP. He is making your life hell. You are worth so much more than this. And please google mother and toddler groups in your area so you can get yourself out of the house if you feel like it.

Do not let anyone treat you like this. You deserve so much more. He is not a very nice person and IMO he seems to resent you and the children.

I'm suprised no one asked already but do you think its possible he is having an affair?.