bipolar boyfriend breaking up?

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Hello I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months, we were so so deeply in love, we spent every day together, he completely swept me off my feet, we were inseparable, i've never been so happy and neither had he, it was so perfect, i had never felt so loved. Occasionally though he would slip into a sad, depressed mood, become very socially anxious and not understanding he was, he also told me that his mum has mild bipolar. Something terrible happened to us 4 months into the relationship but he supported me throughout everything and always loved me. But suddenly last week he broke up with me and said he didn't love me anymore, he didn't feel the same, he was so emotionless and i didn't understand, he then suddenly snapped and said how sorry he was and that he loved me. Then two days ago he broke up with me again over the phone, i am so so heartbroken, i thought i would be with him forever, he even spoke about marriage, this morning he kept ringing me and said he was confused and asked me to come see him, i said he should have some space, but now he told his friend that he was unhappy in relationship and he needs to stay strong, yet he has said nothing to me. I love him so much, and don't understand, if he doesn't love me anymore why is he not telling me it's completely over, please help i am so confused and heartbroken

If he is truly bipolar then his moods may well go all over the place and this could be the shape of things to come in the future.
I guess you need to ask yourself if you are strong enough to cope with a lifetime of these changes in mood.
In all truth he needs to be honest with you but perhaps his emotions are so turbulent that he doesn't know what he really feels or can cope with any more. I truly hope you can work this out but sadly there may not be a fairy tale ending to this story.

Please ask yourself if this is a relationship that you are willing and able to stay in for the rest of your life. Don't tell yourself that it will get better or that he will change, look at the situation for what it is right now and decide whether this is something you are able to live with.

It doesn't sound like he's very healthy right now and it's dragging you down, you should be in a relationship which is mutually beneficial to both of you. You might feel terrible right now but I think you're heading for further heartache should you try and convince him to stay with you.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself a few weeks to see what you really want. 10 months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things to get to know someone, he might have tried very hard over that time to be 'ok' but pretending - even for the best of reasons - is not a way to make things better. He needs proper help to overcome his problems.

That's a lifetime of heartache right there.
Sorry, but I'd run a mile.
10 months doesn't give you time to really know someone, you are just starting to see him in reality. And it doesn't look pretty

It wont be a happy relationship if you are feeling uncertain now.

I don't understand the "together every day" thing here? Maybe you need to start branching out and making friends? Im not saying that unkindly but a man (or boy even) doesn't and shouldn't be your main focus.

If his moods ate swinging that rapidly them he probably needs to see someone. How he feels about you is probably very tied into how he feels anout himself at any given time.

But as PPs say this is not looking like ride. With BP you get the highs but also the lows.

Maybe you need some time apart? I speak from experience. I'd been with dp for 9 months, his mood swings were destroying us both to the point we were almost physically fighting(his side). After two weeks spart

Maybe you need some time apart? I speak from experience. I'd been with dp for 9 months, his mood swings were destroying us both to the point we were almost physically fighting(his side). After two weeks apart but still talking, I got him to the doctor. He is bipolar and has ptsd from childhood issues. We're now 13months into our relationship and yes its early days still but the tiny arguments are few and far between. When we do have a spatt its very easily resolved.

He used to be cold, nasty and do the odd break up here and there but he'd always come back. I realised then that there was something more going on (along with many other signs). He's now in the living room, watching family guy being lovely while I snuggle our kitten in bed.

All I can say to you, is look after yourself, don't put up with anything that hurts you. Xx

Do you think this is to do with the something that happened at four months? Does he have medications for bipolar and is he taking them?
Very tempting to stop meds in the belief that you can manage without them.
Has it been a very up and down relationship thus far?
I have Bipolar, medications even me out well, it's exhausting the constant change from low to high and back round again.
For some people, Bipolar in a relationship would be a deal breaker.
For me the dealer breaker would be him not seeking help support for his medical needs.
Would you be able to suport him until he becomes strong

Enough? I'm not saying he's your partner so you should take responsibly.

He's too much like hard work and a complete head-fuck into the bargain. He's treating you very cruelly. Don't wait for him to decide whether or not you're dumped and don't make assumptions that his behaviour is due to a MH condition. Find your self-respect and stay out of contact. Love is a great thing but it is entirely possible to love the wrong person.

I think given that you don't even know if he actually has a MH problem, stay well clear. Good for him if he seeks help and is diagnosed, maybe when he's got his shit together one day he'll contact you- but you can't help or fix him. It's also perfectly possible that there is no issue, his moods are because he feels conflicted about the relationship, and he miraculously improves after you've had enough space (I.e. He realises he's done the "right thing" in breaking up).

Keep yourself busy.

I'm curious what the 'something terrible' was that happened four months in. Sometimes dealing with a crisis or great need together can create the illusion of closeness but, once it passes, there's nothing really there holding it up. I'm also suspicious of the 'swept of my feet' dynamic. Sounds romantic but is often a three card trick hiding a shitty personality.....

It is not clear to me if he has bipolar or not? Has he received a diagnosis or is this just a thought given his mum has it?

Bipolar can make us behave in a completely erratic and bizarre way if untreated. It is also a whole lot more than just mood swings - sorry to preach it just that sounds like me when I have PMT and a changing mood is but one small part of what can be a terrifying range of emotions, thoughts and actions.

BUT with treatment and a lot of work on self-management, there is no reason to not live a 'normal' life. I hesitate to use the word normal as we with bipolar are not abnormal or freaks etc, but trying to live an everyday life can be incredibly difficult if one is not treated.

My now DH stuck by me through some terrible times per diagnosis and we were only about 3 or 4 months in when I got very sick. It has made our relationship stronger as a result. I'm a bit sad to read some of the posts saying to leave. Just because someone has a mental health condition does not mean they are unlovable or capable of returning that love. We can have full lives with good jobs, partners, children etc.

There is a caveat. And that is treatment. If he is not prepared to listen to his doctors, be treated and work hard (it's not all about just popping a pill) then yes, it can work. Completely agree with a pp that leaving him is totally justified if he won't do this. My DH would end it if I refused to take care of myself.

Also you don't know this is caused by bipolar. It could be something else - bipolar is not an inherited condition. He could have another issue. Or he could just be a dick. I understand the strange behaviour if it is untreated hut it's no excuse long term for bad behaviour or refusing treatment.

Good luck

Livingzuid I was working on the basis that he doesn't have a MH problem, given that he hadn't been diagnosed and there isn't really enough information in the OP one way or the other to speculate.
Obviously a diagnosis isn't necessary for there to actually be a problem but in the cicrcumstances it's quite a risk to assume it's a MH problem making him want to break up with the OP.

Not clear if you are including me in people saying to leave; but that advice was given with the above in mind.

I'm not disbelieving him but I work in a related field and if I had a quid for every time someone said they had/thought they had bipolar I would be a rich woman!

Bipolar is not the same as labile mood, it is a serious psychiatric condition usually involving psychotic episodes that needs managing with medication. And actually not that common. And even rapid cycling bipolar involves mood changes over several weeks, not in the same day/week.

What most people describe when they say they're bipolar is usually what we call emotional dysregulation, they struggle with understanding and managing strong emotions which can cause them to 'act out' in angry outbursts, panic attacks, impulsive behaviour etc. does he actually have a dx do you know?

dirtybadger not at all, just a general observation. Agree completely we don't know what this is. He could just be a tosser and using his mum's bipolar diagnosis as an excuse. And if he thinks he has something then he should be hounding his GP for a referral. And if he has a diagnosis and is not self managing properly then I understand completely why she should get out as she can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.

Great post by jaceybee

"I'm a bit sad to read some of the posts saying to leave. Just because someone has a mental health condition ...."

I'm not saying leave him because he might have a MH condition. I'm saying leave him because he's a total shit, messing her around, talking love one minute and dumping her the next.

cogito yes if he isn't sick. I was not singling out one post over another. I remain sad to see people just saying leave. OP needs to determine if he is unwell, prepared to seek help, or just a tosser. We don't really have enough information.

And what if he has a MH condition that is untreated, undiagnosed and could explain his behaviour? So anyone with a MH condition is unworty of a relationship? I walked out on my DH several times prior to getting help and thank god he stuck by me and forced me to get treatment. I is up to the OP what she is prepared to put into it if he is sick.

I normally agree with your posts but the situation is not so clear cut here as to immediately declare this guy is a loser.

99 people out of 100 faced with this behaviour would simply not stick around for poor treatment - whatever the reason. You were lucky that your DH decided you deserved more chances.

10 months is just long enough to fall in love and then find out what that person is truly like.

He is already messing up your emotions. Don't waste energy trying to diagnose a MH condition... Everyone says thay have Bipolar. It's no excuse for cruelty.

We are only seeing a snapshot of the OPs story so if it is a MH issue it will undoubtedly be far more complex.

OP - there will be other changes as well as this dumping. If not then you need to question your relationship. And jaycebee is correct, it takes a long time to diagnose something like bipolar. It's also very misunderstood and people try to self diagnose and should not. If you want to know more, Stephen Fry has an excellent documentary on bipolar you may want to watch. You might also want to look through the MH boards on MN to get more of an idea of what people are living with.

You were lucky that your DH decided you deserved more chances.

No, he recognised I was behaving completely out of character, going through immense amounts of pain, and was the first person in my life to have the courage to point out to me my actions were completely random. But yes, I am indeed lucky he had the patience and strength to see it through and not give up on me.

We don't know what other behaviour the OP's ex is displaying. I do hope that for all their sakes it is him being and arse and OP finds someone more worthy. Bipolar is not a condition to wish on anyone. But, if he has some sort of MH issue then that does not mean there is no hope should the OP wish to work with him and he works on it. Too many if, buts and maybes for me here!

And on my reference to earlier comments - as someone living with several mental health issues, they made me feel sad. I am sure that was not the intention, but that is how they came across.

thank you for all your advice, we were together every day as we lived in the same university halls, he did sometimes get in very depressed moods, get extremely upset and would storm off he is very obsessed in these moods about how he appears to other people and social conventions, this is why i thought bipolar could be a possibility. The terrible thing was we had to have a termination, but he was there throughout and so supportive, this is why i don't understand his behaviour now, he has never mistreated me before, has always been there in every way, we have also just found out our best friend, who is gay, is in love with him. I feel that he is very unhappy at the moment, and I don't understand if it is just because of this relationship, I honestly feel that I will never stop loving him, I don't want this to end.

Does he have medication? Is he taking it?

My first boyfriend was bipolar, undiagnosed. Things were great when he was good. When he wasn't, he dumped me. Then he'd realise he'd made a mistake when he'd swing back up and we'd get back together. 6 times in 10 months. It was a nightmare and damaged my self-confidence to the point that 10 years later, I'm still always waiting for things to go wrong because I never had warning. I consider myself lucky that at the 10 months, I realised that I just didn't care anymore and left.

He was later diagnosed and got medication and apparently doing much better and is reasonably stable.

If your DP is not diagnosed, not on medication, and is doing this, you should go. It will keep happening. It will destroy your self confidence because you'll start waiting for it to go wrong with no explanation.

If he seeks help, accepts the help and medication as advised, you might be okay. But it is something he needs to address if you want to be together. Otherwise he's just being a bastard to you.

"I honestly feel that I will never stop loving him, I don't want this to end."

You're too close to the problem because you all live closeted together. 10 months is what... your first year at uni? He has made his problem your problem. You feel obliged to him because he was kind over the termination. That's not love, it's co-dependence.

Has this sudden change in heart coincided with you going your separate ways for the holidays?