Elderly parents- how do you cope with the inevitable?

[gilbertysullivan]

Not really what I'm asking but just sharing.
My parents are late 80s- 88 and 87. Still living in their own home, relatively active but have noticed a big change over the last year in my mum. She used to be out doing 6 mile walks with the WI but now gets very tired doing not a lot and often 'feels funny'. Both have regular dr check ups etc so nothing left undiagnosed as far as we know.

I live 5 hrs away and see them when I can. My DCs have left home but I still work . I am trying to visit more often though it's quite a hike and because of the distance have to stay at least 2 nights usually.

My brother who is single lives near to them -he works full time.

To get to the point, every time I turn the car round to drive home, I wonder if it's going to be the last time I see them and I know they think the same as they look a bit tearful.

I know that one day I am going to pick up the phone and it will be bad news. They are quite realistic about all of this- their wills have recently been updated and they talk very frankly about what to do with the house etc when they die ( potential development) so it's not an elephant in the room.

But today they were talking to my brother saying they are both at 'death's door' and could go any day.

How do you cope with this if you have elderly parents who you don't see as much as you'd like?

Nice to hear all the comments and it's good to know I'm not alone.

Pointy my dad was a highly qualified engineer. He used to work with maths and figures all day long, and was also a part time maths lecturer. He retired before computers were used at work and never wanted to have one at home.

I've been thinking about 'the guilt' since I posted. One thing that I'd never really considered was that my parents always had the option of moving closer to me once Dad retired. I do know families where the grandparents relocated to be near their children and grandchildren.

When my Dad retired at 65 my first DC was only 4. They had no living relatives alive and in theory there was nothing to stop them moving closer to me and being hands-on grandparents. My mum often used to say she wished we were closer to help out with the children and allow me (then) to work more without child care issues.

I moved away at 21. It was never intended to be permanent but I had to move to find work. I'm sure that's what they would have wanted me to do. But moving 'back' was never an option once there was the whole family to consider, but it was an option for them.

I never ever asked them to and TBH it never crossed my mind but it's something I've recently thought about in the light of this discussion.

gilberty that is a good point actually. DH and I are early 50s now and as DS is unlikely ever to live anywhere near us once he graduates there's nothing to stop us moving to be vaguely closer to him when he settles down and has kids.

I have (obviously) discussed this with my mum - she made it very clear that she would never have expected me and Dsis to stay close to home in case one of them became catastrophically ill. They're 73 and 74, not really all that old. My dad's illness was one of those things you can't plan for, and as mentioned upthread there is nothing my Dsis and I can do to make my mum's life better that she is not already getting. I don't feel guilty I just feel sad.

The whole thing about technology and older people is a conundrum - I have elderly relatives and it is absolutely beyond them. Even changing TV channels is difficult - it's better since one of my cousins taped up the remote so only the necessary keys show, and I gather there are simple, big-key remotes we might try. Playing a DVD is impossible, because you have to select from an on-screen menu with a remote, and the words 'Play' are sometimes hard to see on the screen.

Mobile phones? Skype? Email? Ha! I wish.....even the really, really simple mobile phones (like the OwnFone www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/mobile-phones/ which cannot be simpler) is beyond a lot of elderly people because of eye sight difficulties, lack of dexterity, inability to learn and remember anything new.

Even hearing aids are difficult to use, as they are fiddly, and need fine adjusting to optimise performance. Old people can't manage them.

I think later generations including ours will have things easier. Obv things will change again but we will have acquired a confidence with technology older people don't have.

Just had an interesting chat with my mum- first to tell her that Dad's PJs have been ordered online from M&S :) - but she also revealed that her oldest friend who was widowed a few weeks back is perhaps considering moving nearer her daughter who lives around 200 miles from her.

We got cut off half way through the conversation possibly because mum had pressed some button on her phone inadvertently- so Sykpe? LOL!

ok, ok....lol!

One of my elderly rellos wanted me to find out something for her a little while ago, and asked 'do you think that machine you have in your house called 'the Internet' might know the answer?'

She now knows it's not 'a machine' and it's definitely not in our house, but beyond that, she's not too sure what it actually is :)

OTOH, an old auntie of DH's aged 84 is a fiend for 'Words with Friends' and loves facebook, texting, skype and all the rest of it. But she hears well, sees well, is active and pain-free and DH's cousins took her in hand and made sure she got up to speed several years ago.

My very withit DM couldn't use a mouse as she had arthritis, the pointer was all over the place and single or double clicks just beyond her. She has passed away but she found it all v frustrating as we all do when technology doesn't do as we want.

Not all DCs have loving close relationships with their parents, I'm a bit Hmmmm! at all this guilt tripping.

We all know we are going to die, and most probably be v frail/ill before that happens. Let's hope our generation can prepare and plan for it and not do nothing then expect DCs to step in.

OP, I am in a very similar boat, and know exactly what you are going through as do, thank goodness, a lot of the other decent posters on this thread. I've never been so angry about any post than the "teach them to Skype" one.

Sorry I havent got an answer for you as there isnt one. You do have my utmost sympathy though.

Thanks Springy. Sorry it affects you too.

When I started the thread it wasn't so much looking for advice - such as teaching them to Skype (FFS!)-but more the sadness I feel as I see their health and energy slipping away and the unspoken 'will we see each other again' as I get in the car for the 5 hr drive home.

Care- if needed any time- will be sorted, but hopefully like many in the family ( longevity is on both sides with aunts, uncles and great grandparents living into their 90s) they might pass away peacefully in their sleep or while digging their huge garden, which they still manage.

Thanks for all the insights and suggestions. It helps to share :)

I've never been so angry about any post than the "teach them to Skype" one
Why not get over it? My mum died in March aged 79 and my dad is 82. Do you think I don't know any elderly?

I cannot see what you have contributed to my thread Mary except unpleasantness.
Maybe you can pop over to some other threads where your wisdom will be more appreciated. Thanks.

Try AIBU Mary.
This section is for people who want genuine help and support with relationship difficulties.

Gilberty agree it's very sad watching your parents age
and become less capable. There seems to be such a gulf between 70 and 80. At 70 my parents were gallivanting all over the world on holidays etc.
DF died at 80 of cancer. DM now also has cancer and will hopefully make 82 but she's so unhappy with the limitations her illness has imposed on her.
I think as you reach your own mid-life, and your DC become adults, whilst your parents start declining it makes you feel sad as you realise we're not here for very long.

Oops, sorry, missed your posts. I was out visiting my dad. I've seen my 70 year old aunt today, as well, and discussed her funeral arrangements and how to support her son after her death.

jubelteen
Sorry to hear about your DF and your DM- must be really hard for you.

There is a big difference between 70 and 80- 70 is still quite young these days if you are lucky and have taken care of your health.
Even at 80, my mum was walking 6 miles with the WI and getting around a lot.
Nearing 90 things start to change!
I am so lucky compared to most of my friends whose parents are no longer alive- but at the same time that emphasises how my turn will come. IYSWIM.

Hi OP

I've been reading the thread and haven't really got anything useful to add other than that I sympathise. A lot. It is not easy.

I live on the UK mainland and my folks live in Ireland, I moved here ten years ago when I met my husband. My parents are 74 and 79 but have both had health problems. My dad (79) fell asleep at the wheel last year and crashed his car (thankfully he gave up driving after that) and gave himself a lot of very bad injuries that he is still recovering from. On top of this it was discovered he was in the early stages of prostate cancer.

After the accident I drove through the night - literally - to be with them and help as much as I could. My work were very sympathetic and gave me compassionate leave for a few weeks. However the time came when I had to leave and it was very, very hard. Luckily I have a large extended family who are all very close and they have been fantastic, there's not a day when someone doesn't give my parents a lift to and from the shops or hospital appointments, drop them in a newspaper or pop in to see if they want anything. They've always been very good to their nieces and nephews, my cousins, and everyone loves them to bits and looks out for them and I am so grateful.

I really wish I could go over more often but by the time I've paid for petrol to and from the airport, airport parking, car hire for the other side, flights etc it runs to hundreds of pounds and we just don't have the money to go more than a few times a year. We are now expecting our first child, their first grandchild, and it upsets me so much that they won't get to see him or her very often so am considering the Skype conundrum so they can at least see their grandchild in between visits. My parents are both absolute luddites and always have been. They have never owned or used a computer. We've tried and tried with mobile phones but they just can't get to grips with them. My husband spent days teaching them how to use the freeview box when they had to switch over from terrestrial, that was painful for everyone involved and my dad still refers to his pages of handwritten annotated notes. I'm thinking of buying them an iPad and moving every single icon apart from the Skype on onto a different screen so they won't see them and be confused, and having an internet connection set up ready when we go over at the end of August so we can get it all set up for them.But it won't be straightforward and there will be many panicked phone calls.

It's not just as easy as "move closer to them". They live in a different country where there are very few jobs in either my line of work or my husband's. We have a house here that's half finished and would take a while to get to a point where we could sell it, and even then we have no equity in it so wouldn't have sufficient deposit to buy somewhere over there, and would probably have to take low paid jobs so would struggle to pay the rent. My parents live in a tiny flat having downsized a few years ago so we couldn't live with them. We couldn't afford childcare. And I know my husband really wouldn't want to live there and his feelings have to be considered too. It's hard to know what to do for the best.

Anyway sorry, I've rambled on far more than I meant to, but just wanted to let you know that there are people in the same boat.

Gilberty - nothing useful to add either but lots of sympathy. I will be in the same boat soon and am finding the prospect very difficult too. I am crying reading your thread.

I am not at this point yet but I have already seen more than one of my friends (who are about the same age i.e. late 40s or slightly older) have seen death of one of their parents and the lengthy papertrail from same.

My mum though is totally dependent on my Dad in terms of running the financials; she's never had to do any of it. She has not asked and my Dad has not shown her. He is now computer literate but my mother is not interested in learning how to use it, she does not want to know. In the event my Dad dies first my mum apart from being emotionally bereft will not at all manage with dealing with all the insurance companies, bank etc. DB is at work and I cannot see him helping out much, I can hear him saying as much now. I hope I am proven wrong in that respect.

angel, egghead and Atilla
Thanks for your comments.

It's good to know I am not the only one!

I'm sorry to hear about your family angel- that is really hard. Thankfully for me the fares are not an issue so much but the cost of a 500+ mile road trip is not insignificant- though my dad always gives me a contribution which again makes me feel guilty as they can barely afford it- but he won't accept me saying no.

My dad described old age not as a slow gradual decline but almost like going down in a lift where you suddenly arrive at another lower level, almost without realising- he tried to say it is not like going down a flight of stairs step by step, but by going from the top to half way down in one fell swoop. One day you feel okay then the next you realise you've gone downhill.

I suppose I've seen them deteriorate significantly recently- the years between 85 and approaching their 90s seem to be one of change.

They manage very well considering but my mum is increasingly tired even though a very recent check up showed nothing wrong that they could find. A couple of years ago she'd shop till she dropped whereas now she is whacked after an hour.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

My dad passed 15 years ago, Mum is 91 with dementia in an assisted living. My DB and I live nearby & one of us sees her every day. When Mum realized that Dad was beginning to fail (he had a neuro condition), they moved near me, DB moved nearby later when he returned from living overseas. We're lucky as DB & I could both retire in our 50s so we have lots of time.

It's not the wills & property disbursement that you need to worry about. It's what will happen when they can no longer live independently. Seriously, if you haven't, the best thing to do right now is sit down with your DH and have a serious talk about what you will/can do for your parents. Include decisions on relocating and finances. Really, decide what you are able to do and also what you are not willing to do. Then have the same talk with DB. Then, hard as it will be, have the SAME talk with your parents. We were lucky in that our parents had that talk with us years before their needs arose. And they'd made financial plans for their declining years, too. But I've seen hellacious situations where elderly parents have always assumed that they'd move in with their children or that their children will happily give up everything to move 'back home', that their children will be able to help them financially just because they helped the children, or that the children have just assumed that a certain sibling will do it all because they live closest. I've seen families ripped apart due to assumptions and lack of planning. The elderly are living longer and the times are not keeping up with their needs. Our generation is facing decisions & situations that our parents didn't really face about their parents. It's really, really hard!

As far as their passing, you know, my mum has been 'ready to go' for quite some time. Her body is failing and her mind is going and she is aware of it. I think most people who live to a ripe age and see their friends and family die & leave them feel that way at some point. She will freely tell you 'I have more loved ones in Heaven than are still here'. I will mourn and miss her, but I have accepted that she is 'merely waiting'. I will cry, but also know that she is with my darling dad and her loved ones already there.

Thank you for your post and ideas.
I'd say in response that these conversations have been had- or not had!- because there is no decision to be made.
DH plans to work for at least another 4 years and his job is at our end of the country. We have adult DCs not too far away. Also, we cannot fund private nursing home care so that is not a discussion to be had.
We are lucky in our immediate family that no one has needed nursing home care. All our close relatives have died in hospital or at home after a short illness.
It's not a 'given' that my parents will need nursing homes or have lengthy illnesses. I think these decisions can only be dealt with when the time comes. I know that what they want is to stay in their own home as long as possible. Obviously if this became impossible then we would have to re-think, but moving back to my parents' area of the country is not an option.

I'm in the same position - if anyone has found any good solutions let me know! I'm live in the south and at the moment it's living hell with the kids and dad all going their separate ways. Dad has a smartphone but I just need something to know he's OK without me constantly ringing or spying