Elderly parents- how do you cope with the inevitable?

[gilbertysullivan]

Not really what I'm asking but just sharing.
My parents are late 80s- 88 and 87. Still living in their own home, relatively active but have noticed a big change over the last year in my mum. She used to be out doing 6 mile walks with the WI but now gets very tired doing not a lot and often 'feels funny'. Both have regular dr check ups etc so nothing left undiagnosed as far as we know.

I live 5 hrs away and see them when I can. My DCs have left home but I still work . I am trying to visit more often though it's quite a hike and because of the distance have to stay at least 2 nights usually.

My brother who is single lives near to them -he works full time.

To get to the point, every time I turn the car round to drive home, I wonder if it's going to be the last time I see them and I know they think the same as they look a bit tearful.

I know that one day I am going to pick up the phone and it will be bad news. They are quite realistic about all of this- their wills have recently been updated and they talk very frankly about what to do with the house etc when they die ( potential development) so it's not an elephant in the room.

But today they were talking to my brother saying they are both at 'death's door' and could go any day.

How do you cope with this if you have elderly parents who you don't see as much as you'd like?

gilberty

To get back to the thread and reply to your question about how to cope with what's happening with your parents.

Have you discussed with them what they would like to happen if/when they get to the stage they are no longer to live in their own home? Or if one of them passes away? eg residential home, sheltered accommodation.

You might find it helpful to have some plans for the next stage and could even do some research now into costs, locations etc.

It's been discussed but not really concluded, if that makes sense.

My brother is adamant that he would care for them rather than them go into a home and each parent is very much averse to going into a care home. My brother is approaching (early) retirement age so it would be possible in theory for him to care for one of them and I'd obviously try to go and stay more and for longer periods of time.

No one can predict any of this. My maternal gran went into a care home for 6 weeks before she died- run by a family friend- and my paternal gran lived with us when I was a teen for 6 weeks during the last few weeks of terminal cancer.

I am too far away for them to live with me- even if they wanted to - they can't make the journey now, so they wouldn't be able to if in worse health.

Amazingly, my mums care home has an ipad, with skype, and if you skype this Ipad, it is brought to the residents in the same way as a phone, and they will look at the person skyping them and talk to them, much like they are holding a picture or a newspaper in their hand! My mum cant operate the Ipad, but the care assistants can!

Incidentally, I just would like to share this with you, here is my mum, photographed in the daily paper, with a nice little bouquet of youngsters aged between 14 and 17 having a summer job at the care home: www.itromso.no/nyheter/article9905106.ece

They take the residents for walk, bake, sing, play the guitar, and just chat with them. They all study social care in college.

Checking my local news and finding mum just made me cry.

I might ask for this post to be deleted in a while.

What a lovely photo Quint.

Quint that is lovely! Do you have to have it deleted? It's public stuff, and a different country to almost all MNetters.

I wish simlar happened in the UK. Volunteering in and EPH is a matter of red tape, CRB checks and not wanting to take responsibility for an under 18 etc etc here

OP whilst I'm sure you are right they could just die suddenly but they could also tick along slowly getting worse for a long time. They sound practical and mentally sound which is good. Do you have power of attorney sorted? If not I suggest you tell them they really sgould do for health and financial affairs.

My parents are 90 and 86 and started to " crumble" like yours a good 5+yrs ago. We now at the falling over and not being to get up stage.

My sister goes back to Spain tomorrow after 3 weeks with them and I'l completely dreading being the one with the responsibility (90 mins away) again. I resent her buggering off so much :(

the thing I would have changed 5yrs ago was them not being so bloody stubborn! THey should then have had a cleaner and done a huge de clutter, and kept it tidy. It's now a dangerous place. THey are also I think a bit scared of having someone come in to care for them who they don't know and fight to not need. Gently easing a cleaner in 5yrs ago who might have been amenable to then doing the washing etc etc would have been ideal.

Can't believe the OP is being berated for not teaching two people in their late 80s how to use gadgets - they don't want to and why would they!

OP, you sound lovely, you're doing the best you can, you're also very lucky to have such a caring brother, I have 4 brothers but yet my mother's care was left to me and my sister, it disgusts me at times when I think how little my four brothers did to help, it was basically, well the girls are doing it so we don't have to, nice eh.

Elderly people are very wise and fiercely independent, if they don't want to learn something then take it as read.

Lovely photo Quint- is your mum the one with the carer who has their arm round her?

MY parents have sorted Power of Attorney and they have also recently updated and sorted their Wills and made put in place various Trusts etc.

I've now got to leave MN for a while and order my dad some clothes from M&S online, as instructed by mother :)

I have previously said that you know when you are taking the parental role when you buy your dads pants!

Lovely picture Quint

No way could my parents use Skype or an iPad. Mum did use to use the internet, but that had to go, and now she can't read anyway

Genuinely marymcguire
Really you have no idea what people are dealing with!
My 94 year old mother can no longer change the channel on the TV let alone use Skype.
She was dependent on my Dad before he died 12 years ago and things have just deteriorated more and more. She has mobility hearing and vision problems and some degree of confusion.
My brother lived 5 miles away and visited every day and did her shopping.
I lived 3 hours away and spent every 3rd weekend with her, ALL my annual leave was used to stay with her when my brother took a holiday for almost 9 years.
It is very unhelpful to blame the OP for moving away-she made that decision years ago when her parents were well.
Almost 2 years ago my mother moved to a nursing home near me, she was totally unable to be left alone and my brother's marriage was under strain.
We would have bought her anything to improvr the quality of her life but buying her technology is a ridiculous suggestion.
I now visit every day and take her out in her wheelchair, do her nails etc. she cries and complains and accuses everyone of steeling from her.
My brother now visits every third weekend. I feel extremely sorry for my Mum and this has gone on for years now.
I find your post a bit insulting to be honest. Like the OP I do my best, I feel some guilt but don't know what else I can do.
You have my sympathy OP.

apologies for typos, got carried away with my post and I'm an OAP myself now!

drudge - enjoy.

jubelteen - she was. and she can. let her.

Mary I've just read a post of yours on another thread stating that you're not a troll, you just see things differently to other people.
You're clearly trying to derail this thread. Lucky you being 'blessed' however many of us are not so fortunate and trying to do the best for our elderly parents causes great stress. If you don't want to offer support then just do one.

I recall visiting elderly relatives abroad, always pressing gifts on us, forcing DM to take favourite items as keepsakes, philosophical utterances about never seeing another Christmas etc. and always floods of tears as we drove away. This went on for 20 years.

That was a lovely photo Quint.

Three out of four of our parents died when DH and I were at least 300 miles away. Two suddenly. Whether 50+ or 70+ it is a massive shock and upset. At DM's funeral one woman she'd only known for six months felt it was her duty to come up and say how heartbroken my DM was that I was living so far away with the grandchildren - like I didn't know. But DM herself knew life isn't just 3 generations living under the same roof or even within a ten mile radius. Sometimes you need to go where work takes you. My PILs lived a big distance away from my parents. How to split time evenly? Thankfully they all knew it wasn't a competition.

Anything you can do as parents get older, to make life easier, if you can afford it do it. Keep in touch with someone local to them to keep an eye out for them.

When illness strikes you cope, you adapt, take each days as it comes.

Regular contact, genuine interest and warmth, little kindnesses posted to cheer one up.

I feel for you, and sometimes close proximity doesn't help. My Dad died fairly recently, and my Mum is now in a care home near me (she has impaired mobility, is a huge fall risk, has some level of dementia). We go over three times a week most weeks and db comes once a month as he lives farther away. Every time I go in, she says "where have you been?" and cries, and tells me that it has been weeks since she saw me. She told my gP that she never sees us, which only dawned on me when my gP started suggesting to me that we" took her out on drives etc"(we do). So you can have parents close, and see them as much as you are able, and still have the constant unrelenting guilt that you should or could be doing more . I have had a tricky relationship with my Mum, which means going from a few visits a year to a few a week is a shock to the system, and the fact she still thinks I am a terrible daughter doesn't help!

Gilberty my fil is getting on a bit now and I don't see him as often as I would like. He lives about 2 hrs away. I have picked him up for a few days holiday at my house and am arranging to do the same the summer holidays. I then drop him back home so he doesn't have to worry about transport.

While this can't be a regular visit it does mean I get to keep an eye on him for a time and he gets to a. Wonder if this is something you can do?

*gets to see his grandchildren too.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire

How sad that you take some pleasure out of being downright nasty.

Do you ever actually read what people write? Clearly you haven't read what I wrote- about my dad not being able to use his mobile, or my late MIL using her emergency careline 47 times a day due to dementia.

Please go away- you are really not worth engaging with.

Simile
Sadly my mum and dad are not able to sit for 4-5 hrs in a car to travel here. I also arranged a holiday for us all- just a few days away in a nice big house in one of the National Parks- about 3 years back but they cancelled because they were worried they wouldn't feel up to it when the time came. Thankfully the owner knew us from previous visits so it was ok.

They managed very well up to their early 80s when they did come to us, brought by my brother, but there is a definite falling-off when they get nearer 90!

Gilberty yes same problem with travel with DM, she has gone from being able to travel to me independently,
to me having to pick her up and take her back, now can't do the journey at all. So I'm using all my leave to visit her. It's exhausting, but it won't be forever. I really sympathise with people who are in these situations for years on end.
The worst thing is knowing that I won't get my life back until she dies, as much as our time together is precious, I really want to be able to go on holiday with DH who is also desperate for a break.

I've been through this, my mum had a severe stroke 5 years ago and was totally incapacitated, my dad had dementia and also lost his sight and I was his carer till recently. My mum passed away in Feb and one thing I will say is that it really helped having a funeral plan in place for her already as it made it much easier for us to deal with it when it happened. Age UK do good ones and it's cheaper getting one now due to inflation. Horrible thing to think about I know, but it's easier to do it now than when you're horribly distressed.

If you are a carer, there's a book I would recommend. It's The Selfish Pig's guide to caring, recommended by another MNetter. Strange title but it really acknowledges the mixed emotions you feel as a carer, especially the guilt and resentment and how normal those emotions are, as well as giving good practical advice. Hugs to all of you.

GenuinelyMary- if I wrote what I really want to say to you it would only get deleted.
OP and others dealing with similar issues I wish you the bet-it is very difficult

Mary my dad used to be an expert on computers. He was a world class scientist and programmer.

Now he doesn't know left from right any more and can't read any more.

My mum has always been bad with technology - she can just about manage a mobile and my Dad's neck alarm. She is his sole carer 24/7 - she gets good input, but when the carers who help my dad dress and wash go away, when his befriender goes away, when his OT and physio go away - she has to deal with the remaining 20 hours a day. Ask her to learn to Skype? She'd fucking slap me one and I would let her.