Irritating Grandma

[YokoUhOh]

A couple of weeks ago, PIL visited. MIL made a big deal of bringing 'sweets' for DS (19 months) and made an even bigger song and dance about giving them just before tea. It went something like this:

Grandma has something for you, but don't tell mummy!

Then, after the event:

Grandma and DS did something naughty, but we dont tell mummy! Ad infinitum.

(a) I don't give a shit if she gave him sweets before tea and (b) what is it with the 'don't tell mummy, she'll be cross' stuff? Am I right to be irritated by this? Why paint me as the bad guy? Is undermining mummy 'a grandparent thing'?

Oh don't. That was the best bit of having a grandma... the secret giggles and getting round mum.

Does it really hurt you for her to have a giggly relationship with her GS?

Of course, if it gets to the 'we'll just build this bomb and not tell your mother' then you'll need to act!

Some families operate with a lot of good-natured leg pulling, wind-ups and others don't. It's not wrong to be irritated but it's not wrong for them to do the giggly 'conspiracy' stuff either. If you don't like it, dish it back at them with a broad smile... 'Don't tell Grandma DS, but if she carries on being naughty we're going to put her in a home!' ...

Ha okay. I'll watch out for ISIS-branded components :)

In the interests of not drip-feeding, she generally has bad boundaries and has cornered me in the past to tell me how 'lucky' I am to have DH and was a pain in the arse when DS was a baby. I never had much of a relationship with GPs (mostly due to death and illness) so I'm badly educated in terms of such things.

Laughing at 'put her in a home', cog, she dishes it out but she sure can't take it (a professionally offended type). Am imagining a cats bum mouth of epic Pickering proportions :)

Oh dear, I can't be a proper grandmother then.

Or puckering. Unless Ron Pickering has an offended-granny mouth.

Ah, so you do give a shit, really - just a little one?

I can see why.

You're going to have to practice the smiley conspiracy-back-at-you face.

I like the care home one, there are lots more. My dad used to do the 'Oh no, not the pie' to his MIL, amongst many other witticisms. She never found them funny, but everyone else did. It made life bearable.

My mum does this to me.
I don't know why.
It annoys me.

The problem is, when there's a perceived slight, she turns on the waterworks. Last time, my DH made me go straight out and buy her flowers. I still don't know what I did, apart from move a couple of her things in our bathroom to stop them getting wet.

Maybe I should just let them all get on with it next time, and have a day out on my own.

From the thread title I was hoping for some instruction ;-)

Seriously, Grandparents can be like this - Personally I think it is irresponsible them encouraging kids to keep secrets from parents in this day & age. As to sweets before dinner, that is just clueless.

YokoUhOh,

re your comment:-

"The problem is, when there's a perceived slight, she turns on the waterworks. Last time, my DH made me go straight out and buy her flowers. I still don't know what I did, apart from move a couple of her things in our bathroom to stop them getting wet".

Your MIL is a problem indeed. Your DH also however is as much a problem, if not more so, than his emotionally incontinent mother. Why did he ask you to buy her apology flowers, what was your response to that?. He seems not to be at all able to stand up to his mother and seems to be far more afraid of "upsetting" her. That also causes her to act even more badly. This is all about power and control really and she does want to undermine you. Not at all surprised either to see that she does have bad boundaries; infact she seems to completely disregard any boundaries you care to set altogether.

And you are right to be annoyed too about the, "Grandma has something for you but lets not tell mummy" comments. If she cannot or will not behave then I would start limiting direct contact because this type of stuff should not be at all tolerated by you. This is going well beyond "lets spoil the grandkids" type stuff which is normal.

Phall yeah, I suppose...it's a bit strange when you put it in that context. She has this massive thing about lying, which she inherited from her DM: 'I never lie', 'lying is the worst thing in the world' etc. If she starts pushing that on DS I'll have to pipe up because I'm not having him tell people the honest truth about their new haircut/a birthday present/their cooking!

Attila I agree. To be honest, we do duty visits only, and I think we've sent her a strong message that we hold the keys to her relationship with DS.

I realise the importance of having DH onside, and he supports me, although he'd rather just smooth things over than rock the boat, and I very often find myself saying 'would you speak to your mum like that?' during arguments. Sigh.

Was not all that surprised to read that about your DH; he seems very much still in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother and does not want to rock the boat (she would likely turn on the waterworks again. However, he asking you to buy apology flowers for her was not and never acceptable). My guess too is that she wasn't a very nice and kind parent to him either and she will do the same to your child given any time and opportunity.

I would completely reassess the duty visits, you are really under no obligation at all to see her really. If she is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with it is the same for your both vulnerable and defenceless child. Would you tolerate any of this from a friend, no you would not. Family are truly no different.

He has got the FOG. I think she has some mild form of personality disorder, possibly OCPD or borderline. His childhood was fine, but he didn't go on many trips, visits or walks because there were more important things to do around the house (FIL a DIY enthusiast, MIL a showhome type). He also spent an inordinate amount of time with his GPs, so can't understand my objection.

I would be totally pissed off but in the interest of damage limitation wouldn't say anything -- if they lived in a different town and so were only rare visitors. If they lived round the corner though I'd say something.

I think I would use comments like the 'don't tell GM about the lovely care home we have planned for her - hahaha' or 'don't worry we'll take you out to lots of nice picnics not like when Daddy was little - hahaha', or 'then you'll have teeth full of fillings just like Daddy - hahaha' (to the sweets)- and bitch back in the hope of stopping it. Why should only she get away with it.
I would expect that to shut her up because she def won't like it. And I'm sure she knows she is doing it, it isn't a little quirky characteristic.

The thing that stood out for me from your OP is your MIL giving your son sweets and insisting its their little secret, don't tell Mummy. Isn't that similar behaviour to the way a paedophile would groom a child? The secrets and insistence on not telling Mummy is where I'd be having issues, because we've always been really clear with our boys that people should not ask them to keep secrets from us (unless for eg it's a surprise for thst person like Daddy buying Mummy a lovely birthday present). What she's doing cuts across those boundaries & clear guidance & potentially put your child at risk of bullying or exploitation by others.

Aside from the secrets, she sounds like a complete frigging nightmare and very manipulative. Personally, I'd limit my child's contact with her, but your husband sounds very much under the thumb & would probably not countenance it...

First of all I would like to make it clear that I don't approve by any means of the MIL giving her GS sweets or saying the 'keep a little secret from Mummy ' stuff. Dentist's bills are already huge and only going to get worse, and Obesity and Diabetics are on the rise. The MIL is stupid not to listen carefully to her DIL and act on her wishes as the DIL holds all the power. Yoko already says in the post that she just does DUTY visits, and seems to threaten that she could cut off the relationship between her MIL and DS. However, I think this is a communication problem between a DIL and MIL. Yoko has a son, and so does I think has Cog. The remark about putting 'Grannie in a home' is funny but anyone who has a son will find them selves in the future in the position of being a MIL themselves. It is not an easy relationship. Two women love the same man. Mmmm difficult. I have 3 DIL's and I have to put up with a lot of blah blah from them and my aged MIL? I keep my mouth shut, it is called getting on with them. Unless the MIlL suffers from a mental illness, I think the solution is to be assertive but kind. To liken this woman to a Peodophile for giving her GS sweets is ridiculous. Stupid and misguided she may be, but a sexual predator What! I don't think the OP is particularly nice myself. I think it is likely that BOTh sides have issues ( who doesn't) and their lack of empathy with one another stems from that. Her DH loves his Mum, could Yoko be jealous? His DM also loves her husband like Yoko loves her own son. How would she consider someone rationing her visits to her DS in the future? Mmmm. So there we go, this post is about the usual fraught relationship between a DIL and her MIL.

Oh FFS! Try reading my post a bit more carefully, hole. I never said the grandmother was a paedophile. I said that's the kind of behaviour paedophiles use when grooming children - treats and secret-keeping. The grandmother's current behaviour could undermine any messages the parents might be using to ensure their child is safe in future. I would be furious about it.

Dustbunnyfarmer, You read my Post carefully. You did liken the Op''s MIL's behaviour to that of a Paedophile . I never said in my post that you said the MIl was a Paedophile. I said to liken her behaviour to that to a paedophile was ridiculous.