I can spot a Red Flag now, but what about a Green Flag?

[aceoftrace]

Have come out of a couple of abusive relationships, gone NC with toxic family/social group

Spent some time alone, focussing on building my own self-confidence, and also life direction in term of work/study etc. Lurking round MN has helped immensely, and I'm very content with where I am emotionally.

I know there was a great thread starting Right, listen up everyone or something like that, which described what a good relationship (or even just a normal one) SHOULD be.

But even before a full time relationship, I'm at the meeting men, not desperate to get into a relationship but wouldn't mind a good one if it came along stage.

Just interested what are good go for it signs at the dating stages? Green flags. Or at least positive amber ones. From women in healthy relationships.

I've learned to trust my instincts and judgement when it comes to screening out the baddies, but not sure how the early stages of a good relationship look?

My watchword is 'generosity'... of spirit, of time, of affection, of smiles. Consistency is another one. Being roughly the same personality whether in private, public, with friends, colleagues, on a good day or a bad day.

Courtesy to people - watch how they treat waiters and bar staff. It can be very telling. Also, how are they with old folk?

Agree with consistency, and generosity of spirit. Cheerfulness goes a long long way.

Combine pp. Consistency of courtesy. standing is spot on about the waiter thing. Theres a quote which is something like 'a person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter is NOT a nice person.'

I also like 'judge a man by how he treats a someone who can do nothing for him.' I love the fact that DP is so lovely and polite to everyone, from someone who bumps into him in the street or just saying morning to a tube cleaner who thousands of others ignore/treat like dirt everyday.

Reliability is the big one for me. It shows respect and maturity

Communication. They must say yes more than no. I love that my current partner he always looks for a way to say 'Yes'. Generosity of spirit - not money but generous with themselves.

Someone who likes being part of a family, is sociable without having the need to be the life and soul.

Kindness. A sense of proportion. Reliability. what people said above about 'how he treats someone of no importance to him".

Oh, and observe what he gets angry about and then, really important, how he handles it. Does he blame? does he go away and take time out then come back and try to discuss it calmly? Does he hold grudges, or sulk? Does he remain civil even when angry - ie not spitting insults. Someone who can have an argument in a mature way is usually a pretty good guy!

Course, you have to see him angry first =)

I knew DP was the one when I saw how well he looked after the dog his ex foisted on him when she left.

I'd say kindness, when it's not in the public eye.
So, big public gestures don't count; being incredibly solicitous when others are observing doesn't count; being the neighbourhood great guy doesn't count. Only natural, spontaneous kindness counts: and to anyone, not just you.

I think kindness and respect is key.

I agree with all of these.

I knew my DH was a keeper when he came round my house and treated my adored cats well. My previous X (rude to waiters, subtly abusive) used to call them 'dirty'; even though I knew they didn't understand the word, it was hurtful and unnecessary.

When he asks how are you and is interested in and listens to the answer

All of the above.

May I lower the tone and add two more:

Likes to read

And

Has a big willy

I'm no expert but would say

Thoughtfulness.
Kindness.
Shows you that he cares, doesn't just say it.
Values and respects you, and those you care about.

Openness. Just a feeling of emotional honesty, vulnerability, truth, equality, respect. No mind games, no games at all.

Laughing together.

and knows how to use it, hearts ;)

With my DP, the main thing I noticed early on is that he is a really courteous driver. He always stops to let people out of side streets, even when he is in a rush much nicer that my selfish driving and that is an anonymous kindness, those people don't know him or necessarily thank him but he does it all the time.

NOT a big a willy or liking reading! My nasty exH had/did both of those and was abusive.

My H is super considerate when driving and lets random strangers out at junctions etc. It drives me nuts - it takes an age to get of our local multistorey.

Takes responsibility for him/herself, ie life basically sorted and you're a bonus (rather than needing to be rescued). Essentially a fully functioning adult.

Values, maintains and develops relationships with friends and family.

everyone, this is really really helpful.

For a big percentage of my life, I was surrounded with fairly difficult people (highly functioning in terms of education and career but leaving me very in my interactions with them, as well as cultural/religious isolaton issues)

So it's useful to begin to slowly get an idea of how normal/good/functioning interactions work.

Yes to courtesy. How a man treats waiters and strangers says a lot about character.

Yes, 100%, to kindness. Kind words and actions should be given freely, as a matter of course, not a begrudged act.

I think it's best to realize the difference between kind and charming. Abusers are so often charming, and it's easy to mistake for kindness. For that reason, I also wouldn't go by what family/friends think - how a man acts around them might not be indicative of how he will treat you.

Openness. Talks about past relationships with respect. Has friendships with past lovers.

Things I noticed about my new partner that I really liked were -

Kindness, to me and to others. Will do anything for his friends and family, checks on people who are ill, helps out friends who are moving house, babysits etc.

Respect. Not sexist, racist or homophobic in any way. For me this was a very refreshing change after my exh.

A general enthusiasm for everything! Ambition to travel, wanting to visit new places, enjoyment of music, reading etc. Really nice to see someone who wants to 'do' things rather than just lie on the sofa all day moaning.

Social normality! He's comfortable chatting to anyone, comes across as friendly, approachable and interested. Exh used to grunt and go off and ignore me.

He seems to genuinely like me and want to be with me, without being suffocating. He checks I'm ok and asks how my day has been. He makes plans to see me because, well, he wants to see me! He seems quite proud to walk down the street with me and reaches for my hand. It makes me feel very loved and I reciprocate because it feels right. With exh I gave up reaching for hugs or his hand because he used to pull away.

This is a great thread, thanks!

Trust and honesty are my two big things in any relationship, so anything that shows or gives hints of that is great.

Should make you feel yourself when you're with them, especially the sides of you that you like best about yourself.

Enjoying a shared sense of humour. Nice humour, not at anyone's expense.