I can spot a Red Flag now, but what about a Green Flag?

[aceoftrace]

Have come out of a couple of abusive relationships, gone NC with toxic family/social group

Spent some time alone, focussing on building my own self-confidence, and also life direction in term of work/study etc. Lurking round MN has helped immensely, and I'm very content with where I am emotionally.

I know there was a great thread starting Right, listen up everyone or something like that, which described what a good relationship (or even just a normal one) SHOULD be.

But even before a full time relationship, I'm at the meeting men, not desperate to get into a relationship but wouldn't mind a good one if it came along stage.

Just interested what are good go for it signs at the dating stages? Green flags. Or at least positive amber ones. From women in healthy relationships.

I've learned to trust my instincts and judgement when it comes to screening out the baddies, but not sure how the early stages of a good relationship look?

I agree - someone who is already sorted as a person.

Someone who notices if you're upset or not quite yourself.

Someone who takes an interest in your interests, even if its not quite their thing.

Someone who behaves kindly when encountering someone vulnerable, such as a person with a learning disability.

Someone who can function perfectly well without drink, drugs or constant dramas.

Someone who remembers what you've said; remembers the details because he's genuinely interested in you.

Someone who has positive relationships with others - family, friends, work colleagues, exes.

Someone who is involved in his children's lives.

• shows genuine interest in what you have been up to
• accepts and doesn't persist with sex/kiss for the first time and will wait for your signals before trying it again.
• shows his feelings moderately. As in not telling you he loves you after a day but not wait 3 years to say it either.
• makes an effort to be polite / kind when he first meets your family.
• doesn't act two faced to your friends; he doesn't have to like them either but if he doesn't he should be polite but not slag them off as soon as they have left.
• doesn't hate children and animals- never met a caring person who disliked both.
• doesn't shower you with gifts but makes an effort for your birthday/a celebration.
• if you have kids he is willing to go at the pace you want even if that means waiting a year to meet the kids.
• has basic manners.

Oh and yes someone your friends/family like. I mean if your parents, siblings, grandparents, best friends and their partners dislike your new man there is probably a good reason.

Also someone who isn't demanding intimacy more than you want it. Whining if you haven't had sex for 2 weeks etc.

An ability to apologise sincerely.

An ability to accept a sincere apology graciously.

Keeps his/her promise, no matter how big or small.

Doesn't make a promise s/he can't keep. This is tougher than it sounds, but is a basic test of honesty and discipline.

Yes to much of the above plus, you feeling that you don't have to censor yourself at all. So if you want to text or call you just do, if you want to say no to having another drink because you have stuff to do in the morning then you do and there's no drama.

I remember realising why I loved spending time with DH: it was because I was able to just be myself with no walking on eggshells and no worries that I might scare him off if I said what I was actually thinking rather than what I thought he wanted to hear. So relaxing and easy.