Advice needed for troubled marriage

[neverimagine]

Apologies in advance - this is going to be long and, kind of, complicated.

Hubby and I have met for 11 years and married for 8 with DS aged 3. During the 11 years together, we have had, I guess like every relationship, our ups and downs but it was only since the late stage of my pregnancy had the marriage gone very cold. I was conscious about it, tried to communicate (both in a nice and not-so-nice ways) and in the end decided not to bother and just lived with it.

Until about 6 weeks ago, a woman called me in the middle of the night identifying herself as my husband's lover for a year and pregnant with his child. She sent me loads of photos and messages to prove it, which was really unnecessary and I wasn't surprised at all. According to the hubby, he went online seeking some kind of flirt and it went out of control into a full-on affair. After about 3 months, he realised the woman was not 'even as good as a fraction of the person I am' so wanted to end it. She threatened to tell me so he tried all he could to please/pacify her. Do I believe this story? Not really because -

• You don't continue having sex with a woman without protection if you intend to get rid of her
• You don't have to tell her that your wife and son are away on holiday (he couldn't join due to work) so you could spend loads of time together if you want to leave her

He did these and more. He brought the woman to OUR HOUSE whenever my son and I were away and slept in OUR marital bed. He allegedly impregnated her in OUR bed.

Soon after we came back from the holiday, he declared that he needed time to think about our relationship and moved to his parents' vacant house for 2 weeks. That was just before the woman called me. He stayed with the woman there for 2 weeks while my son constantly asked me where daddy was.

The night the woman called, he walked in from meeting a friend and said with an aggressive, post-drinking tone: I have made a mistake alright? Then when he was sober, he said he wanted to work it out. He believed that our relationship is strong enough to go through this if I am willing to look forward. He also claimed that it took two to make a marriage fail and he was not the only one to make the last 3 years a living hell.

I am trying to be honest here to give a full picture so you can help me. I admit it took two to get our marriage to this status. I have had long resentment towards his drinking problem, financial issues and unwillingness to help with housework and looking after my son. I got angry and aggressive and whenever I was really angry, I shouted at him, belittled him and was cold towards him. Looking back, I felt ashamed of my behaviour but also blamed him to have turned me into an ugly woman like that.

I met with the other woman shortly after the call. Since that night, the husband has been ignoring her messages and calls and she decided to drive to our house to confront him and refused to leave without an explanation. He was overwhelmed with work calls etc. and called me at work asking what he should do. So I spoke to the woman asking her to please leave my driveway as my son will need to be picked up and come home soon. She said she needed answers. I said my husband is a coward but let me give you the answers. So we met. She told me she didn't believe my husband still loved me despite his decision of staying with my son and me. He only stayed for his son.

I have the feeling that he was very worried that I may cripple him financially with all the proof the woman has sent me. He said he was furious with that woman because she stupidly sent me all the ammunition I would need.

Anyway already going on for too long sorry everyone who is reading. He claimed he loves our son and also loves me. He wants to work it out. He has been making some efforts but occasionally the aggressive behaviour will still surface. He hasn't been physically/sexually interested in me for over 3 years and he is still not making any efforts to get closer.

As if things are not complicated enough, I have now gone online and been talking to someone for comfort.

please let me know your thoughts on any aspects of this horrible situation. I am so worried if we separate/get divorced, my son will be severely harmed in many ways that he may become a bully or be bullied because his family is not 'normal'. I am an independent and confident enough woman, but I am so scared because of the worry for the potential negative impact it may have on my son's life.

Thank you for reading and sharing. x

Both.you,and.your.son.will.be.better,off.if.you.throw.your,husband.out.He.is.not.worth.keeping.
He.is.only.interested.in.himself.It's.fine.to.be.single.You.will,be.much.happier,when.you.are.free.of,a,lazy.selfish.alcoholic.who.has.no,respect.for.you.

solid gold brass, Sorry, all those all stops make it difficult to read your posts

SolidGoldBrass: Thank you for the prompt reply. For my own happiness, I am 100% certain that I'd be better off if I leave him. I am just so concerned about the influence on my son - he could potentially have a childhood without a proper father figure and it won't be good for him at all.

Is it possible to pretend that I am happy or at least happy enough in this marriage just to protect my son?

You are right to be scared of something that will have a negative impact on your son's life. I'm just not seeing how staying with someone who had so little respect and concern for your son's welfare will have a positive effect.
However, I don't have to walk in your shoes. If you truly believe that staying together will benefit ALL of you (presumably you would like your son to grow up able to have healthy, positive relationships? If so, he needs to see someone treating his mother with respect and kindness. Better he has no role model than an abusive one), then it would probably be worth going to relate for some help with resolving the complicated situation you are in. But I think the fact that you are yearning for comfort elsewhere (quite naturally) probably means that deep down, you have already reached a decision on the fate of your marriage.

Firstly sorry you are in this position your "D" H is a c word getting you to do his dirty work for him boy has he done a number on you

As for OW what does she want you to be bridesmaid cheeky cow

Fwiw If I were you don't have an affair to build yourself up you'll end up sleeping with a predatory man like your husband instead pack his shit up, get a decent solicitor and focus on getting a life then have as much fun as you like you'll attract a much better partner and even better yet you'll be in control

YvyB, bumbumsmummy: thank you both for the understanding and wise words.

Re: the other woman. At the end of our meeting she asked to be my friend LOL. She spent the first 10 minutes looking at me before saying: you are very pretty! Your husband told me you were ugly and unattractive and he hated you! But anyway. I'd rather think she is irrelevant. With all the proof she sent to me, there wasn't one to prove positive pregnancy. The relevancy is that my husband had sex with another woman without protection. And it wasn't an one-off occasion from what I have gathered.

I couldn't believe my husband, with all the behaviours that I resented, could have sunk so low. not the affair, but the way he had it and in the end dealt with it. He was never a naturally nasty person, nor controlling or manipulative. Affair-related issues aside, I have to say he has always respected me (enough), my family and friends in a genuine way. Sounds ridiculous I know. I just want to give a fuller picture of things if it makes sense at all.

by the way the online dating site he used is called datingpolish. That bothers me quite a bit as it somehow feels creepy than a general site like match/harmony/plenty of fish etc.

bumbumsmummy: you are right. I shouldn't get into an affair. I just so crave for comfort.

Can anyone please reassure me that children from single-parent families can have a healthy and normal life???

Well, I can.

Ds is 22 now, working, studying and in a relationship.

His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old.
There was no step-dad either. Of course I,ve had relationships since but never a man living here.

Thank you Iflyaway and well done to you and your DS.

That is encouraging.

My son is a very happy little boy and observant too. When his daddy was away with the OW for 2 weeks, he sometimes talked to the air through the open window: Hi Daddy are you there? What are you doing? Are you on a fire engine?

That just broke my heart.

Gone are the days when children of divorced/seperated parents are stigmatised. I recall when my eldest started reception and my youngest was 5 months, another mum said to me "just you wait and see, by the time this class get to year 6, 70% of their parents will have split up" (there was a context behind the comment, btw!) and i remember thinking "no way!", and it didn't even enter my head i'd be one of them.

I honestly think children from seperated parents can be equally happy if not more so; they aren't living with a fucked up relationship dynamic at home, stressed parents and the unpredictability of a drinking parent and the volatility that brings. In fact children living with this go on to flourish when a parent decides to make that break, i've seen it time and time again.

My ex wasn't abusive, there was no affair....and yet it has been commented upon loads that as i am happier, my kids are happier. As a parent i know for sure i'm a better mum alone than i was as part of a couple that just didn't work.

And remember, no young adult has ever said "thanks for staying together for me, my childhood was definately better for it!", more like "i wish you'd split up 17 years ago" , all the best OP, you matter too, your happiness is key to your son's emotional wellbeing and you aren't going to get that with this vile specimen.

Even if you're child would be happier having his parents together (and I do not think that's true), then you would still not be obliged to do it. Having a child doesn't mean that you have to effectively sacrifice your entire life to them. Yes you have to make sacrifices, but your entire life is not one. You do not deserve to spend the rest of your life miserable, in a shit marriage, with a complete wankfuck of a husband just because your son loves his dad. He can love his dad without you two being together.

How much resentment do you think you will build up over the years having to stay with this man? How much less could you respect yourself??? And just as importantly, what kind of message is it to your child when they grow up?

If you have a wife and kids you can treat them as badly as you want, because the woman will put up with it so as to not "inconvenience" anyone.

I would be careful by the way - just because this other lady hasn't given you proof yet that she's pregnant, if it's still early days then she may well be. I don't doubt for a second the sort of things that your piece of shit husband has been telling her - I hope that you aren't wasting precious energy hating her, which you should be saving to direct towards your husband.

Your husband doesn't love you. He sure as hell doesn't respect you. He certainly won't respect you any more because you forgive this behaviour. Basically, it is convenient for him to have a home with his kid there, and you (presumably) as the house keeper. He doesn't want the inconvenience of having to make arrangements to see his child and do his own laundry.

Go to a good solicitors and get yourself sorted.

YOUR child. Jesus!! Grammar and I are not friends right now!

I have no idea why you would stay in this situation. Have him leave. Life will get a lot better for you and your son when you split. This is no way to live. Your son will be infinitely better off when you both split. Divorce is not always bad for kids.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts - they mean a lot to me.
wallaby73: thanks for the positive experience - glad that you are happier!
kaykayblue: I agree that I can't be sure that the OW is not pregnant. It just seems odd as she was so eager to prove my husband's love to her so that I can give him up to her. So I'd imagine she would make sure all the proofs were provided. She even sent me a picture of the Valentine's card and flowers ffs! And I have never for a second hated her. In some sense she was also a victim of my husband's cheating - I think she actually really loved him in the way she defined love. I don't even hate my husband. I am however deeply disgusted by his behaviour.

I am not trying to defend him at all but I genuinely can't believe how he could have sunk that low. He had problems with drinking and finance but after my constant nagging, he reduced his pub visiting from 3 times a week to once a week to almost none although he still drinks at home. He has been more careful with money (not sure what his credit card bill looks like now though after a year's affair).

But apart from issues like this, he was generally a very simple (as in non-controlling, non-manipulative) and generous-spirited person. I was once conned by a family member a huge amount of money, which I had to swallow and pay back. The husband just saved and paid it back with me without even a word of complaining or any pressure for me to get the money back from the said family member. Even when I screamed at him after finding yet another ugly credit card bill.

I guess that also partly answers your question rainbowsmiles - I don't know why I am staying either and I am confused why my husband has become a person I don't recognise any more.

I am all over the place I know.

Hi Op,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with (completely normal) confusion at the moment. Without trying to "stand up for" the other woman, my guess would be that she was trying to show you lots of "evidence" because many wives would refuse to believe them, call them liars, etc, without it. But obviously that's just a guess.

I don't think many people go into a marriage knowing that the other person is a lying, cheating bastard (although I have been quite frankly amazed that there does exist people who do this who I've seen from the MN threads) - normally when you get married it's because you see a whole future with that person, you love them, etc.

Sadly, along the way, some people change for the worse. Whilst of course they're technically the same person on the outside, on the inside they are almost unrecognisable. But obviously it's going to hurt because when you look at them you still see the person you loved and married.

Some women on here have mentioned that these situations like this are often like a grieving process, and I could completely understand that.

Your marriage isn't troubled, it's over.
He drinks.
He has money problems.
He has another woman.
He brought her to your house.
He got her pregnant.

His stuff is in binliners by the gate and the locks have been changed.

See your solicitor.
Take him for every penny you can get because with a child to raise, you'll need it.

It doesn't matter how or why or when he changed, or if it was him who changed or you, or if you somehow prompted the change. Or, in fact, if he was just the same all along and you didn't see it. None of that matters at all. What matters is that now you know he has behaved appallingly, presumably having unprotected sex with you as well as her (get STI checks) and you don't have to live with a man who does that.

Absolutely noting abnormal in this day and age to be a child of separated parents, it's actually quite common so your son will not be harmed.

Your husband does not love you, sorry but he can't possibly, the fact he had an affair is proof of that but, to not even take precautions and now the poor woman is pregnant with his child is just unbelievably cruel of him, and is yet another insight into his flawed character.

Don't waste your life on a man who has no consideration for any woman, he will do it again, he seems annoyed by the fact that it's all came out rather than grovelling at your feet every day to make it up to you, he isn't, there's your answer.

Kaykayblue, GenuinelyMaryMacguire and Jan45: thank you all for the sharing and advice.

kaykayblue: the woman was very shocked that I could remain so calm after she dropped the bomb and spoke to her in a normal tone even asking about her pregnancy, how she was and if there was someone looking after her. The way those photos were taken was obvious that she has been 'collecting evidence' over certain period of time instead of going through her album and sent me relevant photos. many were taken with intention. My husband must have given her so much confidence that she is a million times more sexy and pretty - she sent me 4 photos of herself in different poses/locations etc. She only needed one to prove her existence, which I didn't question anyway.

She told me that my husband threatened to kill her if she revealed it to me but she couldn't stand his constant lying any more. some of the messages she saved and sent to me were such ridiculous lies that I nearly laughed out loud. Basically for months the cheater has been telling her we were in divorcing process with made-up solicitor meetings etc.

The other woman was apparently very pestering for some time. she texted/called him almost non-stop during work hours (he gave her his work phone number by the way) and wouldn't acknowledge the fact that he was working, genuinely very busy working, and back off a bit. He got quite pissed off by that but still kept seeing her.

I really wished it was simple as this: he fell in love with this other woman and wanted to leave. simple, clean and I will respect him for that.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire: I don't need a STI check because he didn't even touch me during this time. In that sense I guess we should give him a round of standing applause for his loyalty to the other woman.

He deserves nil respect from you OP, nada.

Jan45: It's just whenever my son had a happy interaction with his daddy, I would look at them and hesitated about ending it.

I told him about my talking to the other man and suggested us separate under the same roof to begin with to make it easier for everyone and give each other the freedom with someone else. He didn't agree and said 'two wrongs won't make one right'

Before the woman approached me, we were talking about our relationship and he said 'you have no clue how bad I feel. I am such a bad man'. I said you are never a bad person you just don't get life's priority right. He said no no I am a bad person.

after yet another argument with him (pre-affair revelation), I got fed up and smashed our wedding photos and dumped them in the bin when he was not present. He spotted them in the evening and brought them upstairs asking me why I did that. I said I am fed up with pretending to be a happy family. He was upset and took the photos downstairs to patch them up and put back into place.

after the affair revelation, I smashed them again by the way and binned them with my birthday presents from him etc. He was upset because some were then beyond rescue and we don't have the original...

Sorry OP, you are hanging on like most of us do hoping it will improve, it won't, the damage has already been done, you really need to get away from the hurt and anger, in other words, get planning a life without him.

Your son can still have good interactions with is dad.

Where was your boy when you were arguing? I hope not in the house.

Your boy can have a relationship with his dad BUT not living in the same house as you both or he'll be living in a poisonous place which will do him untold and long lasting damage.

The marriage is well and truly oved, on both sides (you weren't remotely upset that he had been having an affair). Please, get your boy out of that terrible dynamic so he can have the chance to thrive as opposed to being stunted by imbibing the poisonous dynamic you produce together.

I'm sure you'll be goodish friends once you're apart which will be all the better for your boy.

Springydaffs: you just asked me a question I was dreading and feel very ashamed to answer - we mostly argued when my son was asleep but a few occasions in front of him. I know. Horrible.

We have promised our son that we won't argue again and stopped it but still.

in terms of my reaction to his affair, I was and still am upset but not devastated. A friend of mine experienced something similar (not in her bed though) and she self harmed, got depressed, are still angry from time to time over a year later. I told my husband about this contrast and admitted to him that I probably stopped truly loving him a long time ago. I still care about him as a family member that's why I am not planning to financially cripple him with what I have got even if I decide to end the marriage. I want him to be in an okay place to provide my son with a place to go to and have a good time with his daddy. This is also part for the generosity he has shown towards me and my family in tough situations over the years.

Never what would you like to happen now

It sounds like you are still in shock or numb to all his shenanigans

How do you feel about your husband now ?

paddlenorapaddle: the honest answer is I don't know what I would like to happen now. I desire the freedom to go and pursue true happiness (if it ever exists) but am equally reluctant to make the change and face what it will bring. I am worried that a broken family will harm my son in many ways.

At the moment things are amicable between us. As I have stopped being angry and aggressive, which I had done for over 3 years, he is more relaxed I guess. Occasionally he still turned angry under the influence of alcohol or work stress or both but a different scale compared to what he used to be like.

How do I feel about my husband - I don't hate him. The resentment I have long had towards him has faded a bit. I care about him as a family member but I am not in love with him any more. He has been under massive physical and mental stress at work, on top of his father's death and his mother's dementia. Even after knowing the affairs, i was telling him I'd support him if he decided to quit his job and either stay at home or find a less stressful job if he so wishes. I can go back to full time working instead of the current part time.

I kinda think that we have actually turned each other into an ugly person we don't recognise any more and I feel very sad about it.