Advice needed for troubled marriage

[neverimagine]

Apologies in advance - this is going to be long and, kind of, complicated.

Hubby and I have met for 11 years and married for 8 with DS aged 3. During the 11 years together, we have had, I guess like every relationship, our ups and downs but it was only since the late stage of my pregnancy had the marriage gone very cold. I was conscious about it, tried to communicate (both in a nice and not-so-nice ways) and in the end decided not to bother and just lived with it.

Until about 6 weeks ago, a woman called me in the middle of the night identifying herself as my husband's lover for a year and pregnant with his child. She sent me loads of photos and messages to prove it, which was really unnecessary and I wasn't surprised at all. According to the hubby, he went online seeking some kind of flirt and it went out of control into a full-on affair. After about 3 months, he realised the woman was not 'even as good as a fraction of the person I am' so wanted to end it. She threatened to tell me so he tried all he could to please/pacify her. Do I believe this story? Not really because -

• You don't continue having sex with a woman without protection if you intend to get rid of her
• You don't have to tell her that your wife and son are away on holiday (he couldn't join due to work) so you could spend loads of time together if you want to leave her

He did these and more. He brought the woman to OUR HOUSE whenever my son and I were away and slept in OUR marital bed. He allegedly impregnated her in OUR bed.

Soon after we came back from the holiday, he declared that he needed time to think about our relationship and moved to his parents' vacant house for 2 weeks. That was just before the woman called me. He stayed with the woman there for 2 weeks while my son constantly asked me where daddy was.

The night the woman called, he walked in from meeting a friend and said with an aggressive, post-drinking tone: I have made a mistake alright? Then when he was sober, he said he wanted to work it out. He believed that our relationship is strong enough to go through this if I am willing to look forward. He also claimed that it took two to make a marriage fail and he was not the only one to make the last 3 years a living hell.

I am trying to be honest here to give a full picture so you can help me. I admit it took two to get our marriage to this status. I have had long resentment towards his drinking problem, financial issues and unwillingness to help with housework and looking after my son. I got angry and aggressive and whenever I was really angry, I shouted at him, belittled him and was cold towards him. Looking back, I felt ashamed of my behaviour but also blamed him to have turned me into an ugly woman like that.

I met with the other woman shortly after the call. Since that night, the husband has been ignoring her messages and calls and she decided to drive to our house to confront him and refused to leave without an explanation. He was overwhelmed with work calls etc. and called me at work asking what he should do. So I spoke to the woman asking her to please leave my driveway as my son will need to be picked up and come home soon. She said she needed answers. I said my husband is a coward but let me give you the answers. So we met. She told me she didn't believe my husband still loved me despite his decision of staying with my son and me. He only stayed for his son.

I have the feeling that he was very worried that I may cripple him financially with all the proof the woman has sent me. He said he was furious with that woman because she stupidly sent me all the ammunition I would need.

Anyway already going on for too long sorry everyone who is reading. He claimed he loves our son and also loves me. He wants to work it out. He has been making some efforts but occasionally the aggressive behaviour will still surface. He hasn't been physically/sexually interested in me for over 3 years and he is still not making any efforts to get closer.

As if things are not complicated enough, I have now gone online and been talking to someone for comfort.

please let me know your thoughts on any aspects of this horrible situation. I am so worried if we separate/get divorced, my son will be severely harmed in many ways that he may become a bully or be bullied because his family is not 'normal'. I am an independent and confident enough woman, but I am so scared because of the worry for the potential negative impact it may have on my son's life.

Thank you for reading and sharing. x

Hiya never imagine, I am really sorry you are going through such a nightmare time. For the entirety of last year I weighed up whether or not I should stay with the father of my DDs - our relationship I knew was over, I didn't trust him, I was nagging constantly, I felt depleted, but like you was conflicted by the fear of how a break up would affect my DDs.

I went to a counsellor who assured me that by putting myself first I was acting in the best interests of my DDs. 8months after ExOH left, I feel more in control, more positive about the future, I have more self respect and am less irritable and distracted around the girls.

An earlier poster said:My ex wasn't abusive, there was no affair....and yet it has been commented upon loads that as i am happier, my kids are happier. As a parent i know for sure i'm a better mum alone than i was as part of a couple that just didn't work.

I find that so true. You owe it to yourself and your son to be happy - you sound level headed and approachable and these are the qualities that will support your son if he needs it. You honestly deserve better - could you really trust your OH again? If you have doubts they will niggle away and deplete you - haven't you been hurt enough?

Good luck - just take each day at a time and go easy on yourself. Xx

Hi Kissitbetter2 - thank you so much for the kind words and I am glad to hear that you are feeling more positive. xxx

You are right and I have been asking myself the same question as well - can I really trust him again? The answer is probably not.

So there you go - I probably should have known the answer already. It's just easier to stay where you are than to make critical decision/change like this.

Ii hate to say it but ds is probably tuned in, perceptive, because those are the skills he's learnt to survive in your home. It is common for people from disordered homes to be hyper alert throughout life. It is an enormous stress for him and very damaging.

I'm wondering if you are being honest about your primary fear about breaking up the marriage, and that a larger part of your reluctance is fear of the new/stigma/whatever? please,do be thorough about your true feelings as ds is suffering very much in the mess you two have made. Home is an unsafe, frightening place for him. He needs to a child.

Have you been to couples counselling? Please do so and soon. You sound like decent people but for whatever reason you are making a mess together. Relate etc address splitting up too, not just saving or mending a r'ship.

• he needs to BE a child.

Thank you springydaffs. I have booked a counselling session with Relate for next week and the husband agreed to come along. I guess I need to do some research about what it will be like and be prepared.

In terms of my son, I am deeply ashamed for having lost it in front of him a few times especially after the affair came to light. He once walked into the kitchen from another room and told us: stop arguing mummy and daddy it is very rude! So we apologised to him and promised to him we won't do it again. I asked him today if he thinks mummy and daddy have been good and stopped arguing, he said yes. And he agreed that we deserved some stickers.

Not trying to justify or defend anything - writing down my thoughts itself is hugely helpful in addition to all the advice and support here.

I am still feeling hesitant and confused from time to time. The primary fear was an honest feeling - my guess is for my husband it is probably the same. The difference is that I am much more confident that my son will be with me if we split up hence he has got more to lose.

I agree with you springydaffs - we somehow jointly created this mess despite neither is a bad person. With everything my husband has done plus more that I haven't written down here, I still believe in his decency. Too ignorant maybe.

in terms of my reluctance due to the fear/uncertainties of something new etc. - to be honest sometimes I imagined a small house for my son and me, tidy and cosy, and me reading a book by the fair while my son is sound asleep. I know it is only imaginative world but I can't help longing for it.

Anyway hope Relate counselling will give me some answers/guidance that I need. will update and hopefully my head will be clearer by then! x

Imagine hang in there counselling can be tough and it may raise more things then it solves

But you can get through it

Never. You admit your marriage has been dead for a while. You are with your husband for your ds and are worried about him being bullied otherwise. He won't be bullied many many children have divorced parents. No-one at my dd school has ever bullied her for having split up parents.

However staying together may affect your child negatively.

He is learning about relationships, respect and marriage from you both. The lack of warmth between you both, the lack of affection, cuddles to each other, tone of voice, contempt, indifference. All of this is being watched, observed and he is learning how to treat and be treated by his future girlfriends/wife.

See a solicitor, see what you would be entitled to.

Get copies of pension, payslip, p60s, savings, mortgage statement, shares, endowments, life insurance. See where you and ds will be.

Ds can have a good relationship with his dad whilst you are not together. Then you can get on a have a great life, not stuck in limbo.

Just to add, my dd is ten and has a lovely bunch of friends. Her dad met OW when she was a baby and our marriage broke down. Obviously she dosa not know the details, all she knows is that when she was three, she met her (half) sister and that has been a positive addition to her life. Families come in different shapes and forms. I don't think she has ever felt stigmatised, she knows which other children in her class have separated parents, because they talk about it, but her friends come from a variety of families (simple parent, step, nuclear together) and she takes this in her stride.

I think if you and your dh can agree that your marriage did not work, and that your son's wellbeing is your primary concern, without it descending into bitterness and recriminations, there is no reason why you cannot support your son by co-parenting effectively, even if that is not in the same house.

Simple parent?!? Of course, I meant single parent, though in many ways being a single parent is more simple.

It seems like you are looking for reasons to leave - of which there are plenty. I cannot see one reason why you should stay. He lies, he cheats, he drinks and is rubbish with money. Your son is being shown how a relationship works and how a man treats a woman - but you can put a stop to that now. You say you don't love him even. Well how could you after what he has done to you. Every day you spend with him is a day wasted where you could be happy elsewhere.

Dearest OP, I am a living object lesson on the result of sticking it out in a dreadful, marriage. My ex 'D'H was the same sort of callous, uncaring, faithless git that yours obviously is too. I've banged on about him on other threads on MN so won't bore everyone again ... suffice to say, he was screwing my 'best' friend, and other women, and quite open about it. Told me I could put up and shut up, or else leave with our tiny kids and he'd make sure I never got a penny (this was the 1970s, and that sort of thing could happen to a wife who left).

So I stayed - for 20 horrible, heart-breaking years ... because I wanted my kids to have a 'proper family - mummy and daddy. And of course, because leaving would have meant destitution for my kids.

My mental and physical health were pretty well ruined for many of those years. Husband continued to screw around, quite openly. Deeply depressed, my sanity was eventually saved when I got into a profession I'd always wanted, which got me out and about, meeting people who became good friends. When my kids were grown up and at uni, I finally divorced the nasty sod - he was OUTRAGED too, saying we'd been together so long, couldn't we see out the rest of our lives together? Ha ha - funny man!

My kids, now in their forties, often say I should have left and not stuck it out for their sakes. Of course they picked up, throughout childhood and teenage years, the horrible atmosphere - me depressed and distressed, their father tomcatting around. With hindsight, they would have been loads happier if we'd separated, even if we were poor.

OP, it will grind you down and down if you stay with this appalling man. Knowing what he's up to will be pretty well unbearable for you. Your son will be fine - and better than growing up in the ghastly atmosphere that'll prevail if you stay together.

Paddle: thank you. I have also heard Relate can raise more issues.

I am prepared to be totally honest during the counselling but honestly I don't think my husband will be the same. From what I can see, he has been hoping that as long as he makes more efforts and i am ready to turn a page, we could move forward and he wouldn't need to face the truth in every way.

I hope Relate can at least make my mind clearer about the whole thing and hopefully make him see the positive side of split-up as well. Then at least we can part our ways amicably and stay that way for our son.

43percent and Romeyroo: thanks for the reassurance and grandmama thanks for sharing your experience.

I agree with the negative impact for my son within a loveless home environment. My thought is if I ever decide to stay with my husband, we will make sure the environment is not active any more. That is the foundation of the decision. Otherwise there won't be any hesitation or reluctance at all.

Bloody hard work to think things through!!!

Butterfly: thanks - I was looking for some reassurance that my son can still grow up like every other child from 'normal' families I guess. also with lots of mixed feelings/fears as I haven't been sure what I really want yet.

well I can assure you a child with a happy mother is much more content and relaxed at home then a child who lives with both parents, and the father treats the mother and child appallingly. Well my child has blossomed since feckless father vanished - despite tough times.

We are much happier and more secure now then we ever were before. You don't know your own strength - and you won't discover it until you take that step into the unknown. There is loads of support here, and I am sure you will find plenty of real life support also - grab it with both hands is my advice.

Thanks Butterfly! x Will see how counselling goes and keep everyone posted xx

You might consider going to counselling separately to begin with.

Re not being 'active' arguments - if there is simmering tension it is like poisonous gas. I appreciate my analogies sound extreme but I assure you, they are not! There is a terrible, toxic, atmosphere between you and whether you are screaming at one another or quietly simmering with hatred makes no difference, even with a smile plastered on your face for ds's sake.