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Original poster

Has anyone else had an abortion they regret? *POSSIBLE trigger*

31 replies

CroydonFacelift · 06/07/2014 21:56

I had an abortion a year ago this weekend.

I have two lovely children. I didn't feel (for various reasons) that I could continue with the pregnancy.

I have struggled with my feelings about it ever since. I have had counselling (ongoing, for various issues including this) but am still feeling sad and regretful.

I am 100% pro choice and also did what I thought was right at the time. So why cant I get over it? I get waves of sadness every few days or so, a lump in my throat, and cant stop thinking 'the baby would be X months old by now' etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CroydonFacelift · 06/07/2014 21:57

I've put this in Relationships as it seems a safe place to talk about it, btw

Thanks

OP posts:
Natalie1989xo · 06/07/2014 22:04

Yes, I have. 7 years ago, it was what I felt was the only choice at the time with having a 1 year old and found myself as a single parent soon after finding out I was expecting.

I'm not gonna lie, it cut me up for a long time but it does get easier. It's about getting past the what ifs and the regret. It isn't easy but you will get there Thanks

thisisnow · 06/07/2014 22:23

Yes I did almost a year ago too. I still have the odd day where I find myself upset and recently a friend announced her pregnancy which has bought it back.

Like you I made what I thought was the best decision at the time. It does get easier though I think as the time passes. Hope you are ok x

spankingnewme · 06/07/2014 23:36

Yes I've been thinking of posting something similar actually. Same as you I'm pro choice and beginning of this found myself accidentally pregnant and already have two young children and really just needed some time to recover plus ice relationship problems and didn't want to be tied with a pregnancy. It was awful tho. The termination dragged out I won't go into details but it didn't complete straight away and I was about 5weeks later it all happened and came away on mothers day. I took this as a sign of what a horrible thing I had done and even tho my reasons were to do with also wanting to be able to do things with my two toddlers as I suffer from severe morning sickness and I didn't want them to miss out but I just feel selfish a lot of the time. And yes like u a few friends then revealed their pregnancies and are as far along as I would have been so lovely constant reminders!! I haven't had any therapy but it sort of gets easier.good luck I think everything happens for a reason but I so wish I could turn back the clock:-(

goodasitgets · 06/07/2014 23:43

Yes. I had a forced termination last year. I didn't want to terminate, from the minute I saw the positive test. Had an early scan and it broke me. I have no DC, and don't think I will have any now
I go to counselling once a week which helps, at the time and immediately after I didn't actually think I would get through it
I still struggle seeing pregnant women and things like OBEM. Mainly anger, a lot of grief

RainbowB7 · 06/07/2014 23:48

Yes, over a year on and the regret is not taking over my life anymore, but I do still think of it often and I feel sad about it and think what if.

AnonButRegular · 06/07/2014 23:52

Yes. I had a termination Nov 2011. It was the right decision practically but emotionally it's been very hard.

2 months later my sil announced she was pregnant which I found very hard. My baby would have been due the month before hers Sad

QueenElsa · 07/07/2014 00:01

Yes, when I just turned 18. I was forced into it, had to travel to London and was 23 weeks pregnant. I had no idea what that looked like and was scared. I had no idea I was pregnant until a week or so before. The nurse told me and showed me that it was a boy at the scan, and I was treated like a slut/piece of shit the whole time I was at the 'clinic'. The anniversary of the termination has just past, and I cry every year. He'd be 4 now. Sad I look at my 2 y/o DD and feel massive guilt sometimes.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/07/2014 03:29

I was spared this but have friends I love dearly who have had abortions and it is certainly not an easy option.

But I read an article by a doctor a few years ago that really struck a chord. He said that women who abort do so out of maternal love. Because they feel that they cannot give the child the life that they would want for that child. And I do think that is true of everyone I have known who has had a voluntary abortion.

PlayitcoolTrig · 07/07/2014 05:54

Yes. Twice :(

One was 8 years ago this September. One was 3 years ago this month. Had terminations at 6 and 8 weeks. Both for different reasons. I have two dc. I think of the other two quite often. I get a lump in my throat and still apologise to them for having to do it. I do feel maternal love for them. It was the over all the right decision though.

Flowers for you all

Writerwannabe83 · 07/07/2014 08:42

I had an abortion 14 years ago and I still think about it all the time.

I remember the date I had and I remember what the baby's due date would have been and each year, every time those two dates arrive I feel very sad and low. I used to get very tearful and upset but over the last few years I've managed to control my emotions a little.

If I talk about the abortion and the circumstances surrounding it, I cry - it was definitely one of the hardest and most emotive things I have ever done in my life. It wasn't exactly my choice to have the abortion but in hindsight I know it was the right one.

I still always think about how old the baby would be now.

I don't think it's something that will ever go away.

theworldswife · 07/07/2014 20:37

I had a termination 19 years ago when my older DC were 3 and 2. I've never forgotten it and I never will. I've recently had some counselling to deal with it as I'll never have another baby and I still felt such regret. It will always be part of my life. I remember the date, even the time of day it happened. I have forgiven myself, but I'll never ever forget that baby or when it would have been born. So yes, I regret it but I've learned to live with the decision I made

spankingnewme · 08/07/2014 20:28

What does therapy involve for this kind of thing? Wondering if I or others would get anything out of it if anyone can give an inkling? I do feel a bit stuck with the sadness to be truthful and yet it's stupid as was my absolute own decision.

AnotherStitchInTime · 08/07/2014 20:34

Yes I have 14 years ago. For the first few years I was very sad, I used to light a candle in memory of the baby every year. It got easier and less painful as time went on.

Berryglitter · 08/07/2014 20:46

Yes, in October. I wish I never did it. It haunts me everyday. I'm still with dp but the more time goes on the more I resent him. It was more his idea than mine, at one point we were looking at pushchairs etc then his father got involved and dps opinion suddenly changed. Me being a complete idiot went along with it.

I have a ds who is 5 and every single day I think about my baby, I feel guilty and long to hold him/her in my arms. Sadly there is nothing I can do. I'm trying to get on with things now but it does affect me. I selfishly want it to hurt dp as much as it does me. I want him to feel the pain I do.

I hope you're ok and if you need a chat please pm me xx xx

spankingnewme · 08/07/2014 21:03

That is so sad berry:-(how it must feel to be with someone who pushed u into that I don't know. But I totally get the wanting your partner to feel as bad as u do. I didn't feel I could continue my pregnancy partly due to unsupportive partner and then obviously after the procedure I was obviously quite down. Time went on and he probably thought I should be getting back to myself but pregnancy tests were stil positive so I went back for a scan that seemed to be clear but she'd obviously got that wrong because that wknd I started to get the cramping and then pains. He was being a bit off with me as though I was making it up and at one point said are u sure u haven't just come on? So I actually called him into the bathroom and let him see wen it all came away. He realised then what a prick he'd been I think wen he saw. Sorry to hijack your thread op! Just a highl emotive subject for me at the moment

spankingnewme · 08/07/2014 21:08

One positive berry you could leave and find someone who wants to have a baby with u as much as you'd want one? My dp didn't really want the termination I don't think but as we were already so tiered from two young children went along with it so I can't blame him directly

Berryglitter · 08/07/2014 21:23

Thanks, we had only been together 4 months at the time (stupid I know but I was on the pill) so at the time I can kind of see his reasoning, plus he is 5 years younger than me, so only 20. I think it was more his father's pressure (he used to idolise him, not so much now) that made his sudden change of mind.

We're ok now, I just get the odd day that I just want him to grieve like I do. He did recently when he found out his friend was having a baby but it's every day for me. Shit circumstances, shit timing and a shit decision. Hopefully in time I'll get over it and even more hopefully we'll be able to go on and have a baby together. I'm blessed with a beautiful son and for that I'm thankful.

spankingnewme · 08/07/2014 21:43

Ah I see,if you'd not been together long and young can see how he'd panic. But u look back afterwards and just wish you'd done things differently don't u? I did read something at the time someone wrote saying it was the most pointless thing to make yourself feel guilty and crap for ever now for something u thought was the right thing to do. I suspect your partner probably regrets it a lot too but I don't think they feel the weight of it at all like we do.

Original poster
CroydonFacelift · 09/07/2014 00:00

I cant tell you how good it is to read all your replies, as sad as the topic is. I have nobody to talk to about this and it helps enormously to know I am not alone. X

OP posts:
Elderflowergranita · 09/07/2014 00:41

But that is the thing about our lives - hindsight vision is 20/20.

We can never ever go back to that exact moment, those exact feelings, that exact set of set circumstances. Of course we move on, look back at our lives and maybe some of us wonder why we made that choice.

I believe that women make the best possible choice for them in a particular set of circumstances. However sad that seems in retrospect.

Much love to everyone on this thread. x

goodasitgets · 09/07/2014 01:41

I'm doing well with counselling but to be honest we haven't touched on it much yet - too busy sorting the other crap out
It kills me that I might not have children, I feel like that was my chance if that makes sense?
I remember coming out of an early scan and sitting on the carpark floor howling. Never ever cried like that before, it was like I was totally utterly broken
I wrote this wannabeadressagediva.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/hard-post-to-write-contains-triggers/

RainbowB7 · 09/07/2014 23:38

Goodasitgets Thanks

Your blog post and the poem strike a note with me. Glad your counselling is helping but I don't think the sense of loss ever completely goes away.

I remember you from a long support thread last summer and I have wondered how you and the other girl there were getting on. I was the OP of that (serial name changer!)

I think it might have been you actually who recommend care confidential? I found them a great help to me.

OP I'm glad you are getting some comfort from knowing you're not the only one to feel this way. I really think the grief surrounding abortion needs to be less of a taboo subject.

goodasitgets · 09/07/2014 23:43

I've name changed too Wink
It's been horrendous to be honest. I have no contact with my mum still, my "friend with benefits" at the time lost his dad and his friend within 3 months of each other and my friend hung herself in December.
It hit me hard around my due date at Christmas, this April it came to a head and was diagnosed with PTSD
I have counselling now but it's been a long hard slog. I wish I hadn't listened to people
Went shopping today and saw a girl about 18 with a baby and I just thought "why couldn't I have that?"
Everyone acted like I announced i had murdered someone, but other people get congratulations?
I don't know... My doctor offered me sterilisation and I very nearly took the offer

rideyourbike · 09/07/2014 23:52

Yes, twice. I couldn't cope with the hyperemesis. I couldn't look after my 2 dc, the dr was very unhelpful and unspent every day crying in bed waiting til it was over. Felt great relief immediately I woke up as I could eat and drink and not be sick but even now I wish I could turn back time or get pregnant again.