who is the more bonkers here?

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I am helping Dss 6 and 7 in bathroom before bed. It is late for them, they are tired. DH has piled 24 toilet rolls in a high wall on bathroom floor. Dss, tired and therefore manic, delight in knocking this wall over and throwing toilet rolls around in increasing state of mania, ignoring all my calm comments, attempts to reason, and warnings. I finally pick up DS2, take him out of bathroom and say (firmly, not shouting) he can wait and have his wash on his own. He howls and howls outside bathroom as if being attacked by swarm of bees. DH (prat) runs upstairs to say "tell me what's the matter ds." and then to me "They never do this with me. Just leave us alone and we'll be perfectly happy." I, furious at his reaction, walk into bedroom and slam door. Then I hear DH say to DSs "Ignore her. She's gone mad again." I come out to ask DH to back me up by taking DS1 downstairs to wait for his wash, rather than undermining me. DH says "You're undermining yourself. You've gone mad again, slamming doors. They don't need this. Just ignore her, boys."

I don't think I should have got cross, but the sly undermining is quite frequent, and I think it may genuinely have driven me mad to the point where I am rubbish at looking after them. DH is often telling me I should just move out and leave them alone (mainly as I don't keep his house - it is his house - tidy enough), and just now I think that might be a good idea.

Actually writing this has been most cathartic. But is it me that is bonkers?

I'd leave. He sounds unbearable.

Er no you are not bonkers. are they with you both f/t?

Other than the door slam, you are right he is wrong.

He sounds like an arsehole.
I know I say this on every thread, but do you feel you're a team? Is he working as a team?
Doesn't sound like it.

You're seriously accepting this behaviour?

Gather up your self respect and leave him and his children to get on with it

Thanks. Definitely not a team, no.

They are with us both f/t yes, in theory (with me f/t and with D?H when he isn't busy). But I worry that I lose control of my temper like that and slam doors - even if it is under provocation, even if it is only momentarily etc, I don't like that I get and feel so out of control angry.

I don't like idea of them having to split their lives in two and always commuting between two houses, but can see the benefits of moving away. But I can also see it could wreck Dss emotionally .DS1 already very highly strung and sensitive.

Your not bonkers but you will be if you stay with him. He is undermining you big time and I think you need to step back and see where your relationship with him is going

Yes I do see that point, JC, but it is only D?H that thinks the children are better off with him - I certainly don't think they'd be ok without me. (They are mine btw - blimey if not I'd have left long ago.)

I don't like that I get and feel so out of control angry

I wouldn't like it either and I would remove myself from the situation because it sounds like it's not a great environment for anyone: not for you and certainly not for the children involved. If your DH routinely calls you "mad" he clearly does not like or respect you very much so it might be best to draw a line under it.

Oh right, I assumed they were your step sons. That complicates things but I think I would still be looking for a way out.

TBH I think you might see an improvement in their behaviour if you split. They're currently watching the two of you fight so they're being exposed to that ugliness and tension and they're being drawn into that dynamic by at least one parent.

If you're not a team then you have to think about yourself first (and the kids of course, but kids want happy parents, not necessarily together parents).
I'd be securing all necessary financial and official documentation, finding out what I'm entitled to and seeking legal advice on the quiet, I think.

FGS what adult makes walls out of toilet roll? You ask us if you are bonkers?

Oh yes sorry I was trying to say DS in the plural. They are my own lovely sons, and I'd rather not have to spend half their childhood away from them, which is what would happen here (not in UK) if we separated. Also don't much like the idea of them having a week at a time with D?H on his own. He has much greater anger issues than me (and mine have only started since being with him), which they don't have to put up with if I'm around to take them out or whatever. Oh here he is now. Bye thanks.

Sounds horrible. There is a possibility that DC s will be better with just one of you. Depends if you see a way of working it out. Calling anyone mad, is really nasty.

Who in their right mind piles 24 toilet rolls in a wall on the bathroom floor? He is deliberately undermining you.

I would not tolerate this attitude it's an absolute disgrace. I think you did the right thing initially but storming off and slamming the door is not right or appropriate.

"I'd leave" over something like this ? Jeez, I doubt there'd be a marriage left in the country on those trems. I'd be surprised if EVERY set of parents of young kids doesn't have bust ups like this from time to time.

The "just leave us alone" and telling op she is mad. Not good. Particularly as these are young boys. They will accept that it is OK to upset women and then fling the madness label at them. Its not normal family life. Particularly as OP needed to log off when dh can back on scene. He is a bully.

DH is often telling me I should just move out and leave them alone (mainly as I don't keep his house - it is his house - tidy enough

Never mind about this spat today - this ^ is awful. I'd be willing to bet you're not an awful parent either, he has just started to succeed in undermining your confidence. Telling your DSs to ignore you? How can you live with this treatment from the person who is meant to love and support you?

Whilst your DH's comments are not helpful, I would suggest that, if you are reacting furiously to them, going round slamming doors etc, you need to look at your own behaviour too. If the genders were reversed here, the man would be getting a complete slating.

The toilet roll stacking just sounds like imaginative play with his kids.

She didn't react furiously to the DCs, she reacted furiously to the H undermining her as usual, by telling her they would be fine without her.

Her discipline of DS was IMO perfectly reasonable parenting. Ask child to stop. Remove them from situation. Don't give in to tantrum.

Firm but fair parenting and setting boundaries.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that she is acting aggressively towards the children, but it is still not good for them to see

Leave??? really?? Is that what people are suggesting in this situation? Wow.

Clearly you (the couple) have problems that need resolving. If they can't be resolved then it may be that you may indeed choose to leave. But before you do so perhaps you could try relate, counselling, long and serious discussions with your OH about how you feel and why about his behaviour, and the likely outcome if it isn't resolved.

Families should not be split up lightly, and no i do not expect people to stay in crap or abusive relationships but i do feel that MN have pulled the LTB trigger wayyyyyy too quick on this one.