My husband makes me want to hurt myself

[MrsHuxtableReturns]

There, I've said it. And I can't even be bothered to name change. He's just come back home from a week away and while it was so exhausting with a baby and a toddler by myself, I was so much more relaxed. I'm meant to be tidying but all I can do is sit on the sofa and stare at my screen because his criticism makes me freeze. Often I am so unhappy I don't want to be alive because I see no way out. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just want to chat to someone.

This is awful. Can you see any way you could live separately?

very sorry to hear you are going through this ((hugs))

I asked him why he doesn't just leave if I am that useless and horrible to live with. He says that he can't afford to and doesn't want to lose out on time with the children. I am scared of being on my own. I'm from abroad and have no family here, only DH, and no real friends. More mum acquaintances. There don't seem to be any single parents where we live. He is all I've got. And I depend on him financially I guess.

He's now playing with DC1 all cheerfully while I'm still sitting here upset and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. It's like all the insults didn't just happen.

Thats so awful for you OP. If you can sort out the practicalities I dont see how being by yourself could ever be worse than living with this man. Sure others will be along with more useful advice soon!

The thing is, he's not a bad man. It's just that our personalities seem to bring the worst out in each other. He's a doer, shows no weakness and can't deal with me being weak. His disapproval gets me more down so it's a vicious circle.

Do you own or rent your house? Could you move easily to be nearer family or friends? Or even somewhere completely different by yourself?

You are not in a healthy relationship and it probably wont get any better. He probably knows full well what he is being like so can't see it changing.

I used to rely on exdp financially and when I left him a ended up on income support, with tax credits and housing benefit etc. No it's not what everyone wants and there are a lot of benefit bashers out there but why should you put up with a man who treats you like that?

It's probably the only way you would be able to manage by yourself to begin with but you will soon be back up on your feet and can get a job when your dc are older.

It took me a few years to do the above as had my confidence knocked so much by exdp but i got there in the end. Went to many college courses which were free for me whilst dc were at school and playschool then managed to get a job when they were both at school full time.

Before you do any of the above try and set some time aside after your dc are in bed and have a chat with him to tell him how you feel and see if you can work it out.

contact the council? see if they do a rent assist scheme....move on,lifes so short

We rent. I can't move closer to family and friends as they are all in my home country so it's not possible because of the children. If I could choose, I'd have him move out. I do work but only part time on a very low wage but am on maternity leave at the moment. I have some savings that are only in my name so wouldn't immediately be in huge trouble if I ended up on my own it's more a problem of what happens after a few months. I don't even think he's awful. I really am pathetic and useless as he says. I've not fancied him in years and I guess he knows that which I think is part of his resentment. Shall I get this moved to relationships? I only posted here because it disappears after a while. Sorry for the missing paragraphs. I'm on my kindle and I don't know how to make them.

I've told him that his temper and ranting makes me nervous and anxious but he says he can't put up with my laziness, that I'm spoilt and nobody ever made me work.

Hey, that's not normal my dear!
Where are you from?
Is there a community of your own folks who can help?
Do you know about women's aid?

You're not pathetic and useless darling, what you are is abused!

you can rent again,just for you and dc. the council can help with this. its possible to be a lone parent and be happy.

I don't think I need WA and I don't think I'm being abused. I think he is horrible to me because it's justified with how little housework I do. I never learnt how to do that efficiently and once the day is over and the DC are asleep (DC1 is 2 and DC2 is 6 months) I'm too tired to do anything really. I'm a massive failure academically, a quitter my DH tells me. I'm so ashamed of my situation. I'm from Germany. No local community. I'm literally on my own. Well, I have DH.

You might not be being physically abused but he is making you feel worthless. This is emotional abuse and is just as harmful.

Do you honestly think that if you did some more housework this would change or would he just find something else to complain about? If the answer is he'd just find something else to complain about then the situation needs to be resolved, for your sake and the sake of your kids.

My husband is a narcissist and he is always putting me down he sleeps all day and is in a deep depression it took a restraining order and three weeks away from his kids to go seek help he does see someone but recently he hasn’t seen her in three weeks she said she thinks he’s bipolar and he needs to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment and he hasn’t gone yet so I normally let him sleep all day he literally gets up two days a week to at least bring our twins to soccer practice and games but that’s all then he calls me names and demeans me because I work and I do all the house hold chores he does nothing at all but make me feel like I’m useless and I do have family to turn to and maybe it’s my deep love for who he really is that keeps me here idk but I do completely understand where your coming from. I’m also an alcoholic in recovery and he tries to knock me down for that too it’s really hard he also has a friend that is now my friend that is dying the drs recently gave him one to two months to live and he depends on me for my medical care and he also asked me to be him POA everyone knows that my husband has no integrity and I do mutually abuse him verbally as my defense which I have never been able to do until the past few months but I do cut myself sometimes because I’m so angry with him and with myself for making myself stuck in this situation I guess it’s better then hurting him and doing a life bid and never seeing my kids and soon to be grand baby but I totally understand your situation and I really don’t know how much more I can take

Damn I wish we educated our children about spotting and avoiding narcissists in school. Because leppy AND the op are both in relationships with them by the sounds of it.

Do whatever you have to do to remove these sorta from your life. They'll never let you be happy. They are soul sucking leaches.

Melanie Tonia evans is a good YouTube vlogger on narcissists.

You can't live like this, OP. What example will you be setting your dc if you allow their df to insult, criticise, and put you down whenever he chooses?

Please report your post and ask mumsnet to move it to Relationships where you'll get the support you need.

As far as I'm aware, no-one's last words before they shook off this mortal coil were 'I wish I'd done more housework'.

Aw jeez - many apologies, OP, this IS Relationships and my bedtime is way overdue

Sweetheart he is a bad man and not particularly smart either. Any man who verbally abuses someone can’t be considered to be a good man. When people are mean like your H is, it usually is a reflection of how they feel about themselves and rather than deal with their own inadequacies they project it onto someone else. It’s a form of destructive behaviour.

However, whatever the origins of his behaviour, it doesn’t change the fact that it is inexcusable. Your children are young but there will come a time where they will understand his verbal cruelty towards you and might become a target of it. Do you want that for your children? To grow up in a house where their sense of self is crushed under the weight of verbal cruelty.

You need support and help in extricating yourself and your children from a toxic environment that will stain their childhood.

You and your children deserve better and you are going to have to dig very deep to get away from this inadequate/ self loathing/ immature man.

Keep posting and we will do our best to help you to secure real life support. Sadly you aren’t the first and definitely will not be the last woman to suffer such verbal cruelly.

You are not alone, we are here and we are listening. ❤️

You have a 6 month old and a 2 year old? Of course you can’t do any housework! OP you are being abused but he has got so far into your head that he is making you think your supposed faults are real. Please please call WA. This is no way to live. I think you know that deep down as you made the step to post.

@Leppy412 can you start a new thread? It sounds like you could really do with some support too.

@MrsHuxtableReturns You could be writing about my life. The constant criticisms, everyday wearing you down, made to feel like nothing you ever do is good enough, the desire to self harm to release the pain of the situation.
I was married to a narcissist for 18 years and when i left him, I walked out with nothing but my 2 teenage children and the animals.
You are being emotionally and verbally abused and WA will listen.
I thought because he hadn't put me in hospital I didn't need their help, but it was actually the job centre that insisted I needed their help.
I did the freedom programme/Triple R last year and they helped with a solicitor.
I have been so lucky to rent the flat I am in, as i am on benefits, the haters can hate, but I have worked throughout my life.

I was diagnosed with M.E/C.F.S and alopecia since leaving him, the stress and trauma he has put me through, I guess.

I tried to leave him earlier in the marriage, but I daughter has a kidney disease and was in and out of hospital and needed stability.

Please don't end up like me. I wish i had got out sooner, as soon as he was violent towards me, I should have left, but each time I gave him another chance, and each time he had less respect for me.

The children saw too much and had to defend me. This should never have happened and it deeply saddens me that i put them through it.

I have been away from him for 4 years and I have not been in another relationship since.
He was with his new supply straightaway.

You have brilliant English, which is a huge skill. You are a mother which is exhausting. He must not verbally abuse you.

Start looking at what benefits you can get. Phone Women's Aid. Start seeking a flat to rent. Start putting a plan in action.

Can you talk to family/friends in Germany and let them know what is happening and how you feel?

S big hand hold from me.

@Leppy412
You need a big hand hold as well. Narcissists are a scourge on society and people who have never been in that kind of relationship do not understand the degradation/ctiticism they put us through.

I think you would benefit from calling WA and doing the Freedom Programme/ Triple R. You will understand how we survive by using some of their tactics, it is normal to verbally abuse back. You have probably tried other tactics and nothing has worked.

I hated myself in the relationship, I became so toxic myself. I remember sitting on the sofa feeling suicidal thinking, who the fuck am I?, I had lost myself. I wasn't me anymore, he had destroyed me and I had to get away.
Please don't end up like me.
Seek help. Watch YouTube on narcissists videos by Sarah Speaks, Narc Survivor, inner integration. Richard Grannon.

Thinking of you.

Of course he's not right :( Him talking to you that way is emotional abuse and probably an attempt to control you by knocking your confidence so much that you don't do anything you might like to do.

The others are right- they know what they're talking about.

You could see a counsellor and tell them what you're describing and what people here have said, and ask their opinion of the situation.

As to wanting to hurt yourself, please see a doctor and they can prescribe anything they consider would help you, and maybe line up some counselling for you.

No-one should feel that way. Hugs xxxxx

Hello I'm going through something right now at this moment right now I wonder if in this entire world this only happens to me... I'm a stay at home mother whom takes care of everything at home for my kid a d husband...clean home dinner at the table bills paid my workd is them 2 all I care for.... today was or is still my husband's birthday I wanted to take him out for dinner and we went out to a restaurant..... on our way there because where we live we need at least a 35 to 45 minutes drive to reach restaurants....we arrive I'm so happy my son too...and we arrive... obviously this place was fully packed with people it's like a sports bar where they sell cheeseburgers ect... well to our table comes a young girl ..keep in mind this place has young women dress a little showing off breast and spandex ...well I don't think nothing of it till we order and then she leaves...well next I say to him I tougjt u ordered a small beer....and he's like I did a 16oz but I guess he brought me. Bigger one...well I was like ok at the same time my son is asking him something about the nba game playing on tv.. he says shuuuut up both of you are talking to me at the same time!! I say to myself God damm well I look at my son and say let's just not talk so we won't upset him...well he'll raised when I said this he started saying all kids of things to me like....this is why my parents got a divorce your acting jealous because of the girl blah blahhblahhh honestly I was not even thinking about it that way and well I could see his face just freaking mad and angry at me over that.... as a mom and wife I felt so little so tiny I got a knot in my troat and felt like dieing...right there and then I'm so scared of getting him mad now all the time I even went to the truck and pressed my neck so hard that I marked myself bruised myself just because I can't anymore.... I try not to get him mad but every little thing I say or do upsets him....this is very random and I can't even believe I'm writing this ...I guess I just can't with myself anymore