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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice -unhappy Dad

48 replies

Alexthomas · 04/07/2014 23:43

Hi ladies,

I'm really hoping you can help. I'm 32, and have been married to my wife for 4 years. We have a lovely son who is 3 months.
My wife's personality has changed over the past few years and has got more volatile since our son was born. I have airways been a quite and placid bloke, she is more driven and has a temper! These days I can't do any right. I am told I don't clean the house properly, that I'm disorganised (I can be a little!), that I should move to a better paid job(I enjoy the job I'm in!). I always try to offer to help around the house, but she always funds fault with what I do. I don't sit about watching the football, or do any hubby's like most blokes do. The situation is that I don't look forward to the evenings or weekends because all I get is moaning! In all honesty shouldn't I like my new son, in becoming depressed and withdrawn. Can any new mins reassure me that this is normal? Thanks

OP posts:

Lackland · 04/07/2014 23:59

I was all over the place after I had my dc.

Can you chat to her and let her know how you feel? Between you, with a little honesty and gentle understanding you might sort it out.

Good luck, OP.

Bafta · 05/07/2014 00:00

Good luck with your replies . . .

bumdiedum · 05/07/2014 00:08

Three months is very early days, its a huge adjustment. She's probably pretty tired and getting her head round being a mum. I'dsay also that you should try to see it as doing your share in the house rather than helping - i assume you do live there? Have you tried talking to her about how she's finding it? I would say its normal but if its really unlike her could be pnd. P

Chocaholicmonster · 05/07/2014 00:11

Is it possible your wife was struggling with depression or something similar which has now developed into postal depression? Try and talk to her in a calm manner. Don't list everything in one big go - give her a chance to maybe let her explain how she feels.

Good luck!

Valsoldknickers · 05/07/2014 00:17

Sorry to read this OP. Tiredness and hormones can make many a rational woman feel at odds with themselves when a new baby arrives.

It is hopefully just a period of adjustment and things will improve (although you do say that she has changed over the last few years which may not just be down to having a baby).

You sound as though you are offering support but you should also gently point out to her how you feel too and remind her that you are now a group of three and need to watch out for eachother (and not oick fault).

Remember to take time out to bond with your DS. It is important for you and him to get to cuddle and have fun together too.

Things should get better over time. Best of luck and congratulations to you both on the birth of your son.

joanofarchitrave · 05/07/2014 00:25

It sounds a miserable life for you. I'm concerned that your wife has become more 'volatile' since the baby was born. Is she violent to you? Are you concerned about her with the baby?

Three months is very early days; but you say it has been a more general decline as well. Looking back to better times, what did you used to do as a couple? Did you used to have a hobby, separately or together?

I wouldn't despair as three months after birth is a huge adjustment period. Would your partner go to her GP, is it possible she is depressed?

ShineSmile · 05/07/2014 01:25

I would recommend you get hold of the book 'babyproofing your marriage', and read it carefully. I'm sure you will find the answer in there.

gertiegusset · 05/07/2014 01:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Alexthomas · 05/07/2014 04:59

Hey there,
Thanks for your advice and suggestions, it is much appreciated, I wasn't expecting anyone to reply! My wife is certainly not a violent person, and she would never hurt me or the baby! My concern is that I'm not being a good husband. With most of our friends, their wives or girlfriends seem to be very relaxed, and don't mind if their husbands are a little messy around the house. To give you an example, a whole back before the baby was born, she went out for the day so I cleaned the whole house to try and help. Whilst she was pleased initially, she was not impressed when she found I had forgotten to dust the skirting boards in one room (not a big issue In my opinion!). Whilst she fussy shout she basically implied I was useless! The problem I have is that a wife is meant to be a best friend, and on all honesty I don't see her like that any more. Life revolves around being given orders and being shouted at, most of it relates to the state of the house so am worried she had OCD. I'm worried that if I say I'm unhappy she will move out with our baby back to her parents. I'm not the sort of guy that will shout back at her and maybe that's the problem. Is it normal for women to moan and shout at their other halves the whole time?

OP posts:

Singsongmama · 05/07/2014 05:57

Is it the whole time or does it seem like the whole time? She sounds stressed out. You need to have a good, very gentle listening chat so she can tell you what she needs. Then you'll know what to do "right". Tbh, I felt like DH and I didn't speak for about 3 months until the baby starting sleeping earlier at night...we just grunted and got by but now we are back to chatting, sharing our thoughts/worries/feelings. It is an enormous strain on any relationship. Give it time and tread very carefully.

Last - you have a right to see your LO - always makes me so sad to hear of people taking dc away from a genuinely loving parent.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 05/07/2014 06:37

She can't help giving orders, her hormones are making her do it. I was just the same after my daughter was born. Things have to be 'right' ie the way she wants them, because she and the baby need to survive. There might be no logic in that (eg dusting the skirting) but that's how it is. Don't take it so personally.

callamia · 05/07/2014 06:57

Right now, she can't spend time on the house because she's got a newborn who needs her. It IS miserable and frustrating to be at home all the time in a messy house. It feels like all the housework falls to you, even when that isn't true. It's not OCD, that's a serious condition; it's just wanting to retain some control.

Don't just offer to help out - just get on with it. I'm sure you can see what needs tidying or cleaning - even if you don't think it's a problem or priority. Don't shout back either - no one will be helped by that. Remain calm and explain that shouting and being cross isn't helping anyone - help her to readjust, don't be resentful about it. Things will improve.

RudyMentary · 05/07/2014 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2014 07:12

This behaviour is not normal, no. She sounds irrationally angry, irritated, stressed possibly and is choosing to blame you rather than look for solutions. That makes her a bully. If you tiptoe round her trying to please all you'll earn is contempt on top of everything else. So I suggest you stand up to her, say you're not going to be the whipping boy and take it from there.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2014 07:21

BTW... I think PPs are missing the point that this behaviour began before your DS was born and has ramped up since. Means that there is an established pattern of treating you like dirt rather than it being solely down to the tiredness and other stresses of looking after a new baby. Unchallenged, your life is going to be hell for the foreseeable future.

wallaby73 · 05/07/2014 07:38

I am with cog here....other pp's have missed the point entirely but with the best intentions. The dynamic here, which was well established before the baby, is that of a bully chipping away at the victim. You are effectively walking on eggshells, trying to appease her, and are now doubting yourself thinking "maybe she is right, it's my fault, i must be a bad husband". So as an example you cleaned the whole house, and she then proceeded to pull you apart over undusted skirting boards in one room? Really? Who seriously checks that? Ask yourself is that a reasonable behaviour?

As cog says, stop trying to appease her, all you will do on top of suffering the continuing abuse is earn her contempt. Nothing you do will ever be "enough". Let her know her behaviour towards you will not be tolerated......otherwise you have years of being her whipping boy and your self esteem won't even be on the floor...xx

Deathraystare · 05/07/2014 07:41

I agree with cog. There are a number of women who, whilst, expecting their other half to do chores (which is ony right), the poor guy will never do it right. It is the woman establishing that she is better at doing it and that her other half will never do it as good as she can. If she is a bit of a 'cushion plumper' and things have to be placed 'just so' then she must realise that not everyone feels the same. I suspect she is used to being in 'control' and now is all over the place with the baby. You need to talk to her about this. Perhaps you can do some stuff better than others and she can dust the skirting boards! Is she letting you have time with the baby or are you just left to get on with the cleaning?

Most women come to realise that they do not have to live in a show home when they have kids. Obviously once the baby is mobile and crawling you really have to be on top of hoovering carpets and washing floors picking up anything that will go into a little mouth.

Deathraystare · 05/07/2014 07:44

It actually used to make me quite cross when listening to these women. There are other women who get no help at all with chores and then you get the " Oh, he doe the ironing, washing, cooking, hoovering, lawn mowing....But he just doesn't do it right". With some men, it is so they are never asked again. But if you are the type of woman who is 'happy' for your man to do the lion's share for whatever reason, then let him get on with it!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2014 08:04

I think the quality of the housework and the amount of money he earns are immaterial. The OP is a source of irritation simply for being himself, I suspect. Whatever he does or doesn't do will annoy the DW and that's either because he's genuinely irritating or because it suits her to pretend that she is dissatisfied as a way of exerting control. She probably knows that he is frightened to object because he fears she'll take the baby away so there's the leverage..... Bullying

naturalbaby · 05/07/2014 08:13

Ask her if she's alright and happy. Remind her you love her and care about her.
The first few months as new parents are very special and tough and go very quickly. Remind her that the housework is not the most important factor in your lives - your relationship, happiness and son are. Tell her she and your son are you priorities and you want/need to make sure she is happy. If she then moans about the housework then ask if dirty skirting boards (for example) are more important than your relationship? If the housework is really that big a deal for her then you can hire a cleaner, but the longer your relationship is neglected then the longer it will take to get back on track.
Did she work before your son arrived?

TheHoneyBadger · 05/07/2014 08:48

yes, agree that the behaviour started before the baby and so there are some well intentioned red herrings here.

also suspect the wife knows full well he fears her leaving with the baby so knows she can behave however she likes towards him which i agree is bullying and belittling.

skirting boards ffs. if someone shouted at me for not dusting the skirting boards i'd spend a lot of time being shouted at - well i wouldn't as there's no way you'd put up with that for long.

the thing is OP if she doesn't love, respect and like you no amount of not standing up for yourself or putting up with poor treatment is going to make it better and in reality as cog says it will just add a higher level of contempt.

you are going to need to talk to her.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2014 10:00

BTW... does this dynamic sound familiar? One party picks holes in the other unreasonably, is never satisfied, nothing is good enough, makes their life miserable, treats them with contempt ..... and when the other party objects to the treatment they are accused of being abusive/unreasonable/bad-tempered/ridiculous etc.

NotNewButNameChanged · 05/07/2014 10:20

Totally with Cog. And quite astonished a PP said "Don't take it personally". How else is he supposed to take it?? As others have said, this behaviour started well before the pregnancy and has only increased since birth. And even if it had started post-birth, I'm afraid "hormones and that's how it is for a while" is, I'm sorry, NOT a free pass to shitty behaviour.

newnamesamegame · 05/07/2014 17:04

Agree with Cogito and others....

Yes, you have to take into account the possibility of undiagnosed PND and hormones (and exhaustion) can make the most mild-mannered woman ratty and unreasonable with a small baby, but...

This business about her expecting you to have done the dusting when you'd already cleaned the house just sounds like a piss-take, to be honest. If my OH had done that much work for me I would never dream of throwing it back in his face because he'd "missed a bit". Hormones or not. I'd just hold my tongue.

It sounds as if this behaviour has escalated somewhat but it was clearly underway before the baby arrived and it sounds like she basically treats you like a skivvy and has a fairly low level of respect for you.

You do need to make sure you are pulling your weight at home etc and not making it sound like you are doing her a favour but just doing your share.

But it sounds like the issues between you go deeper than just her feeling frustrated and knackered dealing with a newborn. I think you need to have a serious talk about your relationship and make it clear in a fairly calm way that you feel taken for granted.

Quitelikely · 05/07/2014 17:21

I do not think you should tolerate this behaviour. It is not normal, right or fair and it is getting worse.

You need to have a chat with her and see what she says. If her behaviour towards you doesn't change I would leave for a trial separation.

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