Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice -unhappy Dad

48 replies

Alexthomas · 04/07/2014 23:43

Hi ladies,

I'm really hoping you can help. I'm 32, and have been married to my wife for 4 years. We have a lovely son who is 3 months.
My wife's personality has changed over the past few years and has got more volatile since our son was born. I have airways been a quite and placid bloke, she is more driven and has a temper! These days I can't do any right. I am told I don't clean the house properly, that I'm disorganised (I can be a little!), that I should move to a better paid job(I enjoy the job I'm in!). I always try to offer to help around the house, but she always funds fault with what I do. I don't sit about watching the football, or do any hubby's like most blokes do. The situation is that I don't look forward to the evenings or weekends because all I get is moaning! In all honesty shouldn't I like my new son, in becoming depressed and withdrawn. Can any new mins reassure me that this is normal? Thanks

OP posts:

clam · 05/07/2014 17:33

So, if a woman had posted that their male partner was behaving in this way, would everyone be suggesting she tiptoe around him and reassure him she loved him and so forth? Or would she be told he was an abusive arse and she should kick him out.
Check out PND for sure, although that wouldn't explain the fact that there were elements to this well before the baby arrived.
Then you need to sit down with her for a serious chat.

wallaby73 · 05/07/2014 20:11

Clam...amen, exactley this.

ForTheBants · 05/07/2014 20:14

What Clam said.

And being addressed as 'ladies' really gives me the rage.

TheHoneyBadger · 06/07/2014 14:22

i think also what i find constantly disturbing is this idea that 'depression' explains away being a cunt.

i've suffered with depression on and off since adolescence - it has never turned me into an abuser and i've never used other people as the blame for it or the punch bag to comfort it.

if you're not a cunt in the first place depression doesn't turn you into one. yes it may make you self absorbed, yes difficult to live with in a myriad of ways but no it doesn't turn you into a bullying, nasty person who takes out their frustrations on other people unless that was already who you were to one degree or another or you are person chronically prone to not taking responsiblity for your own feelings or actions.

joanofarchitrave · 06/07/2014 14:33

Depression doesn't turn you into an abuser but in my experience it certainly can make you short-tempered and critical, just like any form of pain. It is also possible that a person who is basically quite difficult can then have depression on top of that which just takes them over a line they otherwise wouldn't cross.

What I would say is that this woman sounds miserable, defensive and critical. I see no reason why her partner should put up with this as it stands, though it may not be an LTB scenario. things need to change.

pumpkinsweetie · 06/07/2014 14:44

I'm with cog & others here too. Being a mum to a 3m old doesn't excuse her behaviour.

She may have postnatal depression or may just be a general pita bully. If she really didn't display any of this behaviour previous to giving birth I would try to talk her into seeing a doctor.

Or it could just be that she has always been like this, but maybe you have only started to notice?

If this was to be the other way round, people would not be excusing the behaviour.

It sounds like you cannot do right from wrong and it must be like walking on hot coals every day.
Like I said you need to talk to her, as it isn't fair on you or your son.

TheHoneyBadger · 06/07/2014 14:58

yes it can make you irritable but that irritation is then regretted and apologised for in my experience. there is out of character behaviour that is owned and there is not being a very nice person and feeling ok about hurting other people.

Original poster

Alexthomas · 06/07/2014 18:00

I'm very touched that you've all taken the time to offer some helpful advice, it's appreciated! My concept was that I was the one that was being unreasonable, but us finds as if her behaviour is not normal so I will try and talk up her. I've only ever been in one relationship, so have always presumed that this is how women tended to behave. She's always insisted that the house is to show room standard, but expect standards will have to be dropped as our baby gets older! Anyway, I will speak to her and hopefully she will then realise that age has been making me feel very depressed, and that things will have to change ,

OP posts:

naturalbaby · 06/07/2014 21:24

Don't try to blame her for making you feel depressed! Do not make her feel more guilty, you are very unlikely to get a sympathetic and understanding response.

Tell her how certain things make you feel but do not judge or blame or generalise (e.g you always....). You have to understand that she is struggling too.

Remind her you love her, parenthood is tough and you want to be able to support each other.

ModernUrbanSnowman · 06/07/2014 21:42

Some thoughtful posting there. Can't help the op myself as I'm the wrong sex to give any insight. But there is one thing is mention. If his concern is (and her threat is) she'll leave with the baby... Then in what way would a trial separation be to his advantage? Are courts going to break with precedent because she's been a bit mean (and give him custody)

clam · 06/07/2014 22:20

"Do not make her feel more guilty"

How do we know she's been feeling guilty?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 07:41

I would also caution against telling her that she is making you feel depressed but not to save her from alleged guilt. This is not how 'women' behave it is how 'bullies' behave. And when someone derives satisfaction from seeing another person brought low, telling them that they are making you feel low would therefore - perversely - encourage more of the same.

Do tell her things have to change however.... bullies always have to be stood up to or they get worse and worse. If she decides, simply because you are assertive, that the relationship is over then you have lost nothing but you have gained your self respect. It's a risk worth taking.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 07:43

"Are courts going to break with precedent because she's been a bit mean (and give him custody)"

The precedent in a marital or other relationship breakdown is that a child deserves to have equal access to both parents in a manner that is the best for the child. In the case of a very small baby, there would be no question of awarding custody away from the mother unless there was documented neglect or abuse. However, shared parenting would be expected.

naturalbaby · 07/07/2014 08:28

Guilt is a guess. Some people get very defensive and try to blame others when they feel guilty. Making them feel more guilty about their actions can lead to more defensive and aggressive behaviour. It was just a warning because it sounded like the OP expected her just just go 'o.k, sorry, I've been out of order' and turn over a new leaf.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/07/2014 08:36

To have a guilt response there needs to be a conscience, some kind of self-awareness that the behaviour is bad - a twinge of remorse even. If she has bullied the OP for years and ramped it up since having the baby then she sounds like she has none of those things. She sees this as a normal way to treat a partner and will carry on until pulled up short.

naturalbaby · 07/07/2014 10:49

What do you say to someone to make them realise the effect they are having on their partner when they've been behaving the way the OP's partner has? I don't think making them feel guilty is the right way to go, when guilt can lead to anger and depression - and more of the same behaviour the OP has been on the receiving end of.

No conscience or remorse is a tad dramatic. Maybe the OP's wife doesn't feel guilty or remorseful, but maybe she does? I think it's possible to behave in a bullying, defensive way while feeling guilty and knowing that what you are doing is wrong.

TheHoneyBadger · 07/07/2014 11:07

if you want the court to award custody in the case of a split then you need to be the main caretaker and be able to evidence that. no of course courts are not going to take a child away from the main caretaker and give it to a person who works full time and has never looked after the child single handed.

it's not about gender except by byproduct that 99% of the time it is the woman who gives up or minimises her work and does the majority of childcare. if men want things differently at the court end then they have to live differently in the relationship.

ModernUrbanSnowman · 08/07/2014 08:47

Fair point cogs (wasn't trying to change it to 'that' debate, plenty of discussion on that elsewhere) just - I dunno "careful don't make it worse" I guess.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 09:33

"What do you say to someone to make them realise the effect they are having on their partner...?"

That assumes they don't realise already. It also assumes the behaviour is not deliberate. Bullies want to have their own way and generally don't care who gets trampled in the process. What you say therefore is not 'do you realise you are bringing me low?' and hoping for a Damscene conversion, but 'your behaviour is unacceptable and I refuse to be bullied'.

unrealhousewife · 08/07/2014 09:49

There are two sides to every story.

You don't want to earn more money
More money might make your lives easier, you are taking away from her by not reaching your potential

She always finds fault in what you do
She might be just trying to help, it's going to be better to do things right the first time. Why not do it how she wants it?

You have been arguing for a few years
Perhaps the relationship was never meant to be and you should let her go.

She is getting more volatile
She is probably suffering from sleep deprivation, possibly PND, this is not a personality trait so don't describe it as though it is.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2014 10:05

Don't rise to it people please!!!
Most of you will know what I mean!

I also agree with Cog.
Talk to your DW.
See if she will agree to counselling.
Get her to the GP to see if she does have PND.
But from here, if it's been going on for years, then I don't hold out much hope of change from her.

unrealhousewife · 08/07/2014 10:37

OP If your situation is as Deathraystares describes then I would probably go along the route of division of labour. She does x, you do y, agree to it, take responsibility for that chore and don't comment.

naturalbaby · 08/07/2014 11:22

Standing up to someone can be as hard as the OP's wife seeing the error of her ways. Not impossible though. 'your behaviour is unacceptable and I refuse to be bullied' - is a good phrase.

I still think it's a step too far to assume the OP's wife is beyond having any remorse or beyond hope for change. People struggle, they take it out on the one's they love but it doesn't mean that a relationship is over because it's been going on for years. Changing patterns of behaviour takes a lot more than a quick chat one night. It sounded like that was what the OP was hoping for.

Flip

1 2