Well meaning SIL?

[CookieDoughKid]

Just received an email from SIL out of the blue asking after me and if I want to meet up. She's 7months pregnant. I've not seen her for over two years. It was me, not her. I cut off contact to save my sanity. I emailed her a 'take care/bye' letter explaining why I've not kept in contact - that I didn't think it would do either of us any good. She's actually a lovely person and well intentioned.

It's me - not her.

I can't meet up with her again and keep the facade that everything is ok and forgotten now. I'm strong again and I am ok but I've not forgotten. I really want to write to her and ask her why she is bothering because:
-As the family she married into cut me off.
-That her dh has never EVER once contacted me or asked after my children. -That if I EVER saw her DH - I'd go right up to his fucking face and ask why he's not bothered to ring and see his nephew and nieces?
-That I had a huge row with our MIL's sister because she felt it was 'none of my business'.
-That I was threatened and bullied repeatedly into keeping things 'schtum' for keeping appearances,
-That I went against the entire family FOR HER, for my dear SIL that her child was at risk because her dMIL and DFIL and everyone else thought it was in HER best interest not to know.

• That OUR BIL (her dh's ''dear'' brother) is a suspected peodophile. That I did NO fucking wrong because it was MY fucking child the ''dear'' brother was ''playing'' with.

-That her fucking dh - what WOULD you want to tell me about your fucking peodo brother? That you never rung up to ask how MY child was?

Like, I want to tell her all the above and ask her - after ALL THAT - you want to keep in contact with me to achieve WHAT? That you dSIL feel guilty? Yes, we could have a lovely afternoon tea and talk about the weather but it's all bullshit isn't?

Like the last afternoon tea we had.

.

I'm so sorry for the experience your child has gone through, and your whole family.

You're massively angry at your partner's family including her husband, but this is a family she married into, same as you, and she may have had some severe shocks - same as you.

It may be that quietly she would like to talk to you, or even to not-talk to you but to spend time with someone who is in a similar boat. Especially if she's pregnant.

You sound so furious that it may be the best thing for you not to stay in contact. In that case, maybe send her a return email saying so, though it'd be nice if like last time you make it clear it's your decision because of the family, not her personally ... and warn her about the suspected paedophile brother.

If you feel that you could separate your relationship with her from the relationship with the rest of the family then she could even be an ally against the rest.

Have you been able to talk to the police or to a therapist/family counsellor about what happened?

Is this her first child? If so, the only thing I can think of is she now realises how it feels to have a bond with a child & wants to build bridges to bring the children together or family back together? I cannot think of any other reason why she'd want to contact after 2 years

If you personally are happy with having no contact then I'd suggest you remain that way. Just her sending you an email seems to of upset the balance you have managed to restore & toy with your emotions & anger, digging up past issues - meeting up, especially at the moment, doesn't sound like the best plan.

Maybe give it some time - allow time to think on things - & then ask yourself if you want to have contact again. If you decide you don't then email her back explaining, again, why you chose to have no contact & that that is how you wish for it to remain but you wish her well in her life with her new baby.

If you do decide you want contact again, maybe keep it as email, text, phone calls until you feel ready to meet up for a chat over a coffee.

Could be an olive branch, could be that she is reaching out.

Im sorry for all that you have gone through, whatever you decide to do best of luck.

I say that it took a great deal of courage for her to contact you.

I'd say that perhaps something has occurred to her, or happened and she wants to know more about the reasons you left them all to it.

I think you should meet somewhere neutral so that you can leave if you want to.

It's horrific what's happened your DS and I'm so sorry you have been through that I'd be murderous in your shoes

But and it is a little but do you think she wants to talk to you maybe because she's looking for a way out maternal instinct and all that

Child abusers are insidious she may be scared witless the least you could do would be to call 101 for advice and have her new child put on the at risk register

Did you involve the police

Ah fuck it...just sent the following..to DSIL (sanitised):

''Dear SIL,

I don't know if we have a solution here for you and I to be in touch. I question your intentions (you tell me?) and I question whether it is healthy that we keep in touch given all the questions, all the issues and everything that went on 3 years ago. Should I ever have the opportunity to meet any of XXX family that you married into - face to face - I would bring this all up again because I feel I am owed an apology, an explanation, some sort of recognition that I actually did nothing wrong. I'd like to hear from your dh too - I'd like to know where he stands on all of this after all this time.

To you , this is all old news and you would have got your own version of events from our inlaws etc. That I bullied them. I still have the text messages from FIL threatening my life if I let the cat out of the bag that his dear son, our BIL....has ''issues''. That I'm the one with the issue. Not BIL, not them.

Lucky for you, you know what BIL is all about. You'd rather know than not know right? Would you have had the balls to have done the same for me?

Unluckily for me... it is all still current. When my ds thinks of our DBIL, his last image of him - is his penis. He has flashbacks, he talks about him, even as recent as last month. A mother should never have to talk to her child about these things. It's a horrid legacy I've been left with. He is 6 going on 10 and extremely bright . Remembers everything. We don't hide talking about it or brush it under the carpet. I want to make sure he grows up knowing he, mummy and daddy did nothing wrong. He doesn't understand the why's but he gave ME advice the other day - he never wants other children to be alone with HIM. BIL.'

It must be terribly difficult for you SIL. Not as difficult as it is for me or my dson. I can tell you that. If you want to keep a dialogue open, by all means.

But I don't feel it right to meet up for coffee and talk about the weather.

Somehow. ''

Just to answer..yes....it went through a thorough police investigation resulting in 1 year's specialist therapy for bil because he was a juvenile at the time (just under 16). Plus he'd been caught with downloaded sex images of babies and toddlers. It's called infantilism.

There's no cure for such sexual inclinations. If you get off on kids and babies, then I don't think there's anything one can do really - is there? Other than the normal precautions...which already had been implemented.

and

Please make sure that social services know that he may be around your SIL's baby.

oh cookie I hope your son is weathering this, as well as anyone can in the circumstances.

fwiw I think your answer is good. If she can't handle it, then at least she's been warned again.

I also hope he's been put on an offender's list. As you say, it seems that if you're wired up that way, that's that and it can't be rewired. The best anyone can do in those circumstances is to stay celibate and exercise complete self-restraint :(

I think I recall your previous posts about it, it was such a horrendous thing that it stuck vividly in my mind and I have occasionally thought of you and hoped you and your DS were doing well. At least, I hope it was you, and not another person in the exact same horrific situation - it's bad enough for one family to be torn apart like that.

What I think is that if SIL is pregnant and due at the end of the summer, I'd say there's a good chance the events of 3 years ago are more and more on her mind of late, and she probably has more in mind than coffee and the weather, namely, how to protect her own child from paedoBIL, and finding out what exactly were you subjected to by the inlaws (in case she comes up against the same barrage of abuse later), forewarned is forearmed and all that. Is this her first child she is expecting?

I hope she responds.. I think what you sent was good.

(((hugs)))

I think what you have composed is raw and real and honest. That took guts.

Thanks Loki, yes it was me.
Thanks Hissy for the hugs and Nilby for your response.

It's been a weekend now and SIL has not responded.
I am very sure she has read it though.

I don't know what her motives are, they would be well intentioned I'm sure. Her kids do not see mine because I simply don't like seeing this boy-child perpetrator in our family be in the same room as my dc and have all the family want us to be normal and get on. I have no interest in getting on. I want to have a brawl with that family and spear arrow that huge elephant in the room. I actually would relish the opportunity to do it in a sick way. How dare he fucking touch my child and how dare the rest of his fucking family try and tell me to shut up and not involve them. (Yes they actually said that). How dare they want to cover up and collude its fucking normal. The whole fucking family is insane.

Dear SIL has not the balls to respond.

I cannot wait till the day. And so best I keep clear of them...you're right, for my own sanity and for their fucking peace.

You have no idea, how many families out there purposely cover up peodo related/ child risk related secrets for the sake of water under the bridge and to save their own skin. It happens and its fucking sick.

Cookie I remember your previous posts too, I shuddered then and now.

I think you're dealing with this incredibly honestly and with your DS at the forefront of your concern. I don't know what more anyone could do.
It's not a chapter in any of the parenting books is it?

My heart goes out to you sweetheart, thank goodness your son has you.

I'm so sorry that your son has gone through this awful experience and for the pain you must be experiencing.

I agree there's no point meeting up with SIL to talk about the weather. You would need the opportunity to express your anger and sense of betrayal about her actions. She would have to give some kind of account for her choices. If she doesn't want to do that, there's nothing you can do. However, I can understand that she may not feel equal to a confrontation if she's heavily pregnant. Maybe it's not the right time.

I hope your little boy is able to put this behind him and heal.

My heart goes out to you and your poor son, may he heal and live in happiness without the abuse hanging over him. I do think that you are doing the right thing here, no point colluding with your il's your sil inc. if she wants to talk about things properly then ok but just chitchat, no way.

and much strength to you

Sorry for the radio silence. I've been mulling over things. SIL hasn't responded but I didn't think she would. She doesn't want to rock the boat in her nice life.

I'm well and so are dcs. We should leave it at that.

Thank you for your kind words. I have referred to this thread often this week :))

Your poor boy.

And how dare they try to keep you quiet. I'd tear them limb from limb.

So this woman is going to have a child born into a family with a known paedophile, whose behaviour is condoned by his family?

Can you not ring social services or the police or something and tell them this child is high risk? Or have a legal document which bans this sick fuck from going anywhere near the child?

You don't owe it to your SIL, but that baby is innocent in all this.

Also, your point about "if you get off on kids and babies there's not much people can do is there" - I disagree. This is just a myth that paedo's trot out to justify their behaviour.

I am sexually attracted to men - that doesn't mean that I have files and files worth of pictures of naked men on my computer. It doesn't mean, when left alone with a man I cannot stop myself from engaging in sexual acts with him.

This isn't about attraction - it's about a desire for power and control. It's purely selfish and they absolutely can help themselves. They just don't want to.

Sorry, I didn't mean to distract from your very very awful situation, or have a go at you. I just hate that myth so much.

I think your response was excellent Cookie, very honest, seethingly angry but not hysterical.

I'm so sorry your son had to go through this ordeal and I think you have handled it brilliantly by allowing him to discuss it openly. I don't think abuse has to damage the victim for life. It will always be a background noise but doesn't have to become deafening - I think you have helped make that so in your DS's case.

I had some abuse scenarios in my adolescence and I have been able to function very well in my relationships as I'm sure your son will too. I was probably emotionally immature among my peer group but that was no bad thing really.

I hope that email has given your SIL something to think about. I hate it when people try and reignite a friendship years later ignoring all the masses of shit that caused it to breakdown in the first place. It's disrespectful to the person still hurting. Hopefully she will keep away and pass the message back to the family that all is not forgiven and forgotten and until they are willing to accept their son has/had a huge problem, they are not welcome in your air space.

Absolutely vile and disgusting person and the parents are no better for turning a blind eye to the situation. It's only a matter of time before he offends again. No doubt.

What you done took strength and courage and your dc won't go far wrong in life with a mother like you.

Well said re the email. I think it's too much for you to head back in that direction. Your son was betrayed in the worst possible way. Look forward. Don't waste your emotional energy on them.

I wonder if your sil will reply when she has a child of her own but actually that for me would be to late.

I don't think you should call ss either. They know what he's capable of. Though of course I wish no one any harm but I'm not sure it's going to be good for you to have to feel responsible for calling them each time a dc is born iyswim.

QuiteLikely - I see your point, but at the same time could you live with a clear conscience if you sat back and said absolutely nothing and then some other innocent child had to go through that? It's not the child's fault. How do SS even know that the SIL is pregnant? If she lives at a different address then it might not be obvious from their records that they would be in direct contact.

Even if the OP rings SS or the police to let them know the situation, there's no guarantee history won't repeat itself.

I don't know. I wouldn't be able to live well with myself if I had done nothing at all.