I am in so much pain.

[NamasteGirl]

It kills me to admit it but I still feel the affects of my shiteous childhood and I am 35 now. Thirty fucking five. I dont know how to deal with my parents at all and I am confused about whats right or wrong here, someone please help me out.

I was an accident. Mum had been dumped by dad when she found out she was pregnant. He came to her offering to marry her etc and she told him to eff off out of our lives. So he did. We lived with my grandparents until she met a horrible thug of a man who we moved in with when I was 8. Even before we moved in with him I was afraid of him. He kept pulling my dress open and laughing. He once pinned me down and yanked a wobbly tooth out of my mouth. When we moved in with him life was a living hell. He was occasionally violent- once continually dunked my head underwater and screamed at me, kicked me. He was occasionally creepy- asked me to model my underwear for him, commentedon my boobs etc in clothes. And he was cruel. Every single day. Everything was wrong, from how I stood to how I held my knife and fork to everything I said, to my clothes, to what I liked, every single thing. And mum stayed with him through it all. And sometimes they would sit me down on the sofa and lecture me about how I wasnt affectionatr enough to him and didnt want to call him dad. Oh and I found out he was having an affair and he told me to keep my mouth shut.

It fucked me for life. Ive suffered with anxiety, major depression, self mutilation, body dysmorphic disorder, ocd, everything. I struggle every fucking day. I feel like everything I say and do is stupid. I hate my reflection. I feel so sad.

I cut contact with my stepdad 12 years ago. But things with my mum are so complicated. She has said how sorry she is and how bad she feels for all of it, and for some reason when she says that and cries I end up consoling her and going 'its alright'. Its never fucking alright. Not that we talk about it barely ever.

I feel so self conscious around her. I agonise over how clean myhouse is, how tidy it is, what she thinks about how I parent ds, my clothes, everything. Ive lost all sight of what I really like or want for myself.

And then there is my dad. He got in touch when I was 16, and we met when I was 21. We started bonding and then he decided to move to another country. No reason other than that he wanted to move there. I was crushed. Since thenthings have been very up and down with us. We have argued and I have no fucking clue what our relationship is or what he wants. He says he loves me but history says otherwise.

I am desperate to never ever make ds feel like my parents made me feel and I spend every day parenting with a lump in my throat. I try so so hard to be a good parent and put him first.

I dont know what to do about either parent, I dont know if either of them really care about me at all. Im lost. Please help me.

i'm so sorry. i am only a little younger than you, also with DC, and i so understand. here's my hand to hold at least.

what kind of counselling have you had in the past and has anything helped at all?

i will try to think of something i can suggest that might help. in the meantime i'm sending you my love.

I had some psychotherapy but I dont feel it really achieved much, we kind of meandered aroundso many subjects, we didnt get to the root of anything. Ive had targeted cbt for certain aspects of what im troubled with, butnot this issue.

Thanks for being here to listen.

How about you just take a break from your mum and dad for a while?

Allow yourself to realise that you are entitled to set your own boundaries and you do not have to see anyone you do not want to.

Not wanting to have a relationship with someone is enough reason not to. You do not need a reason other than that.

You need to give yourself permission to separate yourself from them. Your mum failed you horrendously, there is no reason you should feel any duty towards her.

And don't feel ashamed that you are 35 and feeling like this. I am 40 and have only just managed to cut my horrible parents out and they were not nearly as bad as yours. I still feel a lot of pain too.

As the above poster said, you need some counselling. This will help you to identify and give closure to a lot of the past. I know that parents can still affect you now but you need to let them go and move on and be the best parent you can be. The counselling could give you new tools to help you to deal with your Mother and your Father and how to move on and live your own life without feeling that the past is still with you.

I'm hoping someone who has more knowledge or advice will be along very soon for you but until then I'm here to hold your hand & let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm so, so sorry that you've been through such a rough time.

I know it is easier said than done but have you thought about going NC with your mother especially? Even just for a little while until you find yourself, your own dreams, your own person?

Hand holding here too

I'm the same age, had a shit childhood too.

I'm NC with my DM, have been for ten years. The day I did that I went off the rails for a while but gradually clawed my life and self esteem back.

Go seek better counciling. I seen some fucking shite ones but finally met a great one and that was by luck really.

I also found it actually hard to talk about shit that I knew was fuckng me up and avoided it, even though I knew I was there to talk about it!

Put both parents on ice at the moment. Don't deal with either. Get your self fixed first - then deal with them.

Un mumsnetty hugs (( ))

Psychotherapy is great but i wonder whether you need to drastically reduce the pain you're feeling before you psychotherapy would start to help... it's a very intense and often upsetting approach (psychotherapy I mean) and if you're feeling overwhelmed by pain already, i just feel it can be quite overwhelming iyswim.

can you chat to gp about accessing cbt to deal with the feelings of pain first. the fact is that you are ruminating (rightly) on the terrible disappointments of your parents, when you do actually have your own life to lead/focus on. some good cbt may help you develop skills to refocus on the present iyswim. then you can start to move into a psychotherapy type approach once you're feeling more in control. i hope that makes sense,

i really feel for you. your mother sounds horrible. a lot like mine tbh. everything is about her, it's so unfair to be the child of someone like that your SD and father sound awful too, in their own "special" ways of course .

i would encourage you to cut contact with your mum for a bit at least, BUT imo talk to a cbt type therapist first, so that you can get some coping skills lined up for the inevitable emotional fallout.

are you artistic in any way? drawing, writing, even baking and so on? are you interested in any subject in particular, something practical, scientific, creative, whatever?

Makes my blood boil when I read what some bastards get away with

I could do with a break, I really could. But I know my mum would be mortified and so upset if I did that. And that would make me feel like an arsehole.

I agree that I do need counselling.

dollius may I ask how you went about cutting yours out?

Im so glad you guys are talking to me. I feel like I cant breathe tonight.

And sometimes i think im in a sort of confused denial, like how can my mum be bad, she brings me magazines round and helps me do my garden! Such a headfuck.

softlysoftlycatchymonkey yes i feel that if i start talking about it then imjust going to fall apart.

adaorarda i like writing. I write a lot about life and my garden and stuff. I love gardening. And i love baking too. Im no good at painting sadly. Im v interested in geology and volcanoes, not sure how i could study that tho!

For your own health and wellbeing you have to be honest with your Mother. She needs to know that you are having trouble dealing with the past and will be having counselling/therapy and that this is about you now not her. You may have to take time away from her when having counselling as it will bring up all sorts of issues before it gets better. To be the best parent you can be to your child you need to do this, if not for you then for your DS. You need to stop protecting your Mother and her feelings. She didn't protect you. There is a book which is helpful and is often recommended on MN called "Toxic Parents" and is well worth a read. It is a hard read and caused me to cry a lot but I recognised myself in so many of the pages. That is a start for you.
I know its not easy. I went no contact for 20 years with my parents . Best thing I ever did.

my mother helped me with my garden too.

it didn't stop her from being a terrible mother to me, and completely unable to offer me any emotional care even once i was an adult.

i think you don't want to be angry with her op, but the truth is, she did wrong by you and if you never spoke to her again, no-one would think you were unreasonable. right now all that anger, that she deserves, is likely being turned inwards. that may be what makes the pain so unbearable today. i'm terribly sorry you are suffering.

you say you are no good at painting. you also sound like you have magazines in the house. can i suggest you do a visual diary of how you are feeling tonight. get some mags out, and cut/rip out any pictures (and maybe words) that speak to you. see what comes out. just an idea. sometimes you need to give the subconscious mind a little breathing room, and i always find that doing something i'm not used to doing, without any pressure of someone watching, is a good way of doing that.

if you already write a lot, perhaps you are sick of talking. i get like that. i just wish the words would stop swirling around in my head. in which case i try to switch to pictures... hence suggestion.

I will check that book out, doitforme, thank you.

adaorarda, no i dont want to be angry at her, because i care about her, and i dont want her hurting (i know, im a mug). And i think thats very true what u say, that my anger is being turned inwards. All the self harm i used to do...

Thats a nice idea about the visual diary. I will try that.

Bottom line: i am afraid to open this pandoras box because i know its gonna be bad. Thank god for my dh and ds, they are everything. I am overwhelmed. Mum just texted me to say she has picked up some shells etc from the beach so that ds can make a picture. I dont get how she can be so nice one minute and then break my heart the next?

What do you mean by be nice one minute and break your heart the next OP. Is she still being abusive to you.

OP, that bit about breaking your heart after being nice, that is text book stuff. particularly when it comes to self-involved/narcissistic mothers. my mother is the same.

it's very confusing.

i'm so sorry.

you're right, it is a pandora's box.

No, she just does these nice little things like what she texted, and then when I really need her- like when I self harmed several years back and needed 11 stitches and could have died, and I asked to see her and she said no she was painting her hallway- she lets me down. I dont understand.

she gives what she wants to give, not what you need.

it's all wrong. parents are responsible for striving to meet their child's actual needs. not the needs they would prefer them to have.

my mother is the same. she sends me lovely birthday presents, but will never talk about the terrible things she stood by and watched happen to me. it's about what makes HER feel good (picking out thoughtful pressies makes her feel like a good mother, and she enjoys shopping) not what I need or what the right thing is to do.

it feels terribly confusing until you start to see it for what it is: she is a mother on her terms only.

this had made my own parenting experience agonising because every time i make a sacrifice or do something hard for the sake of my DCs i am reminded that my own mother would not and did not do the same for me.

i wonder if you are experiencing something similar. you may have alluded to it in your OP but i'm possibly reading it wrong.

I identify with everyything you said so so much. My mum sounds so similar. She lives doing nice little things like presents and she clearly feels chuffed about how it makes her feel a good person, but when it co es down to it she doesnt want to know. The man in her life is always no 1. Even if it means turfing me out of the way when I desperately need her.

Oh and I SO get you re parenting being agonising. I am terrified of letting ds down and it breaks my heart how much he is loved v the hell I went through.

I feel so suffocated by these feelings. I literally feel like I just want to start afresh in a new country.

OP unless you break this cycle it will continue and you will not get better. You are allowing her to do this to you. You have to change it. You have to make yourself better, she cant do it for you. Do you want her to treat your DS like this because she will as she knows no other way to be. You have to protect your DS and that means protecting yourself too. You have to see that she is abusing you emotionally. You have to change. Once you start to see this and get counselling and begin to learn and understand then you will understand.

op have you ever looked up narc mothers?

I didn't have a name fir it when I went NC. It's only a while back I read up and I thought some one was actually writing about my DM.

I had guilt going NC, crying when pissed, telling me how sorry she was ect. She even had another attempt at hanging herself.

But it was the best thing I did.

I know what you mean about the parenting. I still do it with my dc. Eldest 18. Every mile stone she passed, I would relate it to what happened to me at that age.

yes, my mother turfed my younger siblings out several times due to the man in her life. i was fortunate enough to have already disengaged from her, to a large extent, before that pattern of hers got very bad. it's devastating.

i'll be frank, i basically did move to a new country and start afresh. it was a very good move for me. doesn't mean the feelings didn't still have to be dealt with, but my goodness, the distance helps so much.

Same here adora I moved far enough away that I could reinvent myself and new DM wouldn't come this way.

The first step I ill take is not seeing her every week. Its too much for me and I need space. And i will read that book suggested above. And i guess i better seek some counselling to get some clarity.

softlysoftly been reading about that tonight, seems pretty relatable.

Dh due home fom work in a min thank goodness so he can give me a cuddle. Its our five year anniversary today.

Oh congratulations!!! It's fab that your managing to form loving relationships. I struggled at first - then I met dp who has the patience of a saint!

When you start to with draw contact don't be surprised if your DM starts to put pressure on you about seeing you.

Through going NC with my DM enabled me to look at my relationship with her from a different view point. Reading about her being a narcissist was like a light bulb being switched on.

It didn't help things but it kind of gave me an explanation of why things happened as for some parts I thought it was my fault or I was being over sensitive.

Parents are supposed to be there to protect us, put our needs first. Sometimes they don't do that and the damage it causes can be catastrophic.

I really really feel for you as many nights I sit here and think about shit from the past. I actually used to feel sorry fir her and the bad up bringing she had! I had to stop thinking about her and start realising how badly she failed me and my brother.

My mother played the vulnerable victim very well.