I am in so much pain.

[NamasteGirl]

It kills me to admit it but I still feel the affects of my shiteous childhood and I am 35 now. Thirty fucking five. I dont know how to deal with my parents at all and I am confused about whats right or wrong here, someone please help me out.

I was an accident. Mum had been dumped by dad when she found out she was pregnant. He came to her offering to marry her etc and she told him to eff off out of our lives. So he did. We lived with my grandparents until she met a horrible thug of a man who we moved in with when I was 8. Even before we moved in with him I was afraid of him. He kept pulling my dress open and laughing. He once pinned me down and yanked a wobbly tooth out of my mouth. When we moved in with him life was a living hell. He was occasionally violent- once continually dunked my head underwater and screamed at me, kicked me. He was occasionally creepy- asked me to model my underwear for him, commentedon my boobs etc in clothes. And he was cruel. Every single day. Everything was wrong, from how I stood to how I held my knife and fork to everything I said, to my clothes, to what I liked, every single thing. And mum stayed with him through it all. And sometimes they would sit me down on the sofa and lecture me about how I wasnt affectionatr enough to him and didnt want to call him dad. Oh and I found out he was having an affair and he told me to keep my mouth shut.

It fucked me for life. Ive suffered with anxiety, major depression, self mutilation, body dysmorphic disorder, ocd, everything. I struggle every fucking day. I feel like everything I say and do is stupid. I hate my reflection. I feel so sad.

I cut contact with my stepdad 12 years ago. But things with my mum are so complicated. She has said how sorry she is and how bad she feels for all of it, and for some reason when she says that and cries I end up consoling her and going 'its alright'. Its never fucking alright. Not that we talk about it barely ever.

I feel so self conscious around her. I agonise over how clean myhouse is, how tidy it is, what she thinks about how I parent ds, my clothes, everything. Ive lost all sight of what I really like or want for myself.

And then there is my dad. He got in touch when I was 16, and we met when I was 21. We started bonding and then he decided to move to another country. No reason other than that he wanted to move there. I was crushed. Since thenthings have been very up and down with us. We have argued and I have no fucking clue what our relationship is or what he wants. He says he loves me but history says otherwise.

I am desperate to never ever make ds feel like my parents made me feel and I spend every day parenting with a lump in my throat. I try so so hard to be a good parent and put him first.

I dont know what to do about either parent, I dont know if either of them really care about me at all. Im lost. Please help me.

I am v grateful for you all chatting to me about this. I feel like a bit of pressure has been lifted off me through opening up and your encouragement has been really inspiring. I just had a bit of a cry and then did some yoga while listening to jazz. Feel a little more grounded now.

I wish Id had just one solid parent. I had three shit ones and its affected me so severely. I need to gain some headspace and some clarity and root myself in me, not me who is constantly weighed down by their shitness and wishing they loved me more.

My mum is v v sensitive and vulnerable. She cries a lot and has trouble coping with stuff. But that doesnt let her off what she did.

Oh talk away. Some times other people don't get it. I remember one of my friends when I was about ten saying she was phoning childline as she had been grounded - In my head I was thinking " I wish that's all I had to get upset about!"

I love yogalaties. It helps me refocus.

I had two shit parents my dad was a fucking flake and still is. It used to twist my head that he actually didn't care about me? Why would you want to care about your little girl. For a long time I focused on him because dealing with what my mother was doing was too much.

Toxic parents is a fab book!! Down load it!

Your right, it doesn't let her off the hook. While my DM was 'suffering' in her own world , I was being abused right under her nose.
I still can not bring my self to talk to her about it as I know how she would react. It would all be about how bad it made her feel.

On my 30th birthday I was crying my eyes out on my friends shoulder in the toilets of a night club because I just couldn't understand why she didn't love/protect me like other parents did with their kids.

When I talked to dp about it - he is staggered as he just had a big standard upbringing. - which I just wanted.

You mum gets upset to stop you talkng about it. She is shutting you down.

My childhood was pretty wretched which left me with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I went through various forms of counselling over a five year period and at the end of each course of therapy I had healed just a tiny part if my life. The absolute life changer for me came after a year long course of CBT. Whilst many forms of therapy enable you to cry, get angry and face the pain head on CBT challenges those negative feelings and teaches how to look at them differently. When we think differently then our whole outlook changes. I have been fairly free of depression for five years now since the CBT.
Your parents had all sorts of issues going on which they chose to do nothing about. Your dad chose to live abroad. Try not to get too hurt. You were an adult when he left so he felt he had the right to choose his own path. With technology it's so much easier to keep in touch nowadays with Skype etc.
please try to access CBT from your GP and concentrate on what a loving, happy family you now have in your own right despite the torture of your own childhood. Hold your head up high. You are a loving mother and partner. Celebrate. You don't need your mum or dad to tell you you are doing a great job. Tell yourself you are doing well and don't let the misery of yesterday destroy the happiness you have with your family today.

This is how your parents can really fuck you up. Basically their actions told you that you were a mistake. You were unplanned. Your dad is still not properly being a dad. He will not be there for you. He chose to live abroad. As far your mum getting together with that thug........You do need some type of therapy. THere is a lot of hurt there. As for not being good enough for your mum, try thinking in an adult way now rather than being that hurt kid all over again. Don't worry if the house is messy if she sees you. You are an adult now and if you have not cleared stuff away when she comes around, so be it. She does not have the right to comment on that.

Some people write a letter that they never send and pour all their feeings into it. Then just rip it up and chuck it away. That was yesterday, start living for today.

Your mum isn't vulnerable and sensitive - that is an act she puts on to keep you in line.

What rings out here is that you are STILL concerned about her feelings when she has shown absolutely zero regard for yours. And SHE was the parent, not you. Do you see how fucked up that is?

You are not responsible for her feelings. If you could do with a break from her, take one.

Either just don't respond to messages or tell her straight that you need a break from her. I realise this is very hard to do and it will probably take you some time to get to that point. It took me a long time.

I like the idea of writing the letter, deathraystare, that sounds very therapeutic. I will try that tonight.

heyday i have found cbt useful before, and i agree that a long course to tackle these issues is probably the best way. The alloted 6 sessions on the nhs are not enough, i will have to look private. I know its going to be tough but i am sick of feeling this way.

softlysoftly yes thats how my mum reacts too, just cries and i end up telling her its ok. And the thing is, she has not changed, she still does hurtful things. I need space.

I am sorry to all of those chatting on this thread that have had a shit time too. This is for all of you

Just woke up after a very fractured night's sleep. Ds still quiet in his room so gonna do some yoga now.

I reckon many grown ups in your life let you down.
Your mother, father and your step-father too.

Being able to believe you don't need any of them and to deal with your day to day needs by yourself is the aim. Once you find way to get there it will feel right.
My mother died when I was 18 months, GP's (her parents) brought me up but it was never warm relationship. I feel my DM hated my DF for not letting them know when my DM was in hospital and due to one Consultant negligence died whilst pregnant. Her pain of loosing her beloved daughter extended into hating my father and I was stuck in the middle. As a child I felt a lot of bad, self-destructive emotions. Hating GP's, hating DF and even hating my mother for dying and leaving me behind.
This pain never went away.

I was NC with my DF for over 20 years, met him once in the end when he was dying of cancer, it was easier that way.
I also moved countries and visited my GP's once a year for couple of days. Hardly spoke to them in-between. Now looking back it was cruel, but it gave me space to heal.

Counseling helped a lot to understand that I was badly dealt with by nearly all grown up around me. I think I need some more and will probably look up CBT.

What changed is I understood motivations of my GP's, my DF - not forgiven them, but understood that most what they did was out of lack of knowledge and pain they were going through when my Mother died.

I wish with all my knowledge and this understanding I could talk to them now.

Take time away from your DM, you may be able to see in time why she put up with men in her life and sacrificed relationship with you to please them.
She was probably scared to be on her own as a single mother, dependent on her parents.
How did your GP's treated her and you - were they kind and loving or harsh and judgmental?

Trust your instincts and love your ds the way your heart tells you. All he needs is acceptance and support. You and your DH are giving that to him.
As long as you are honest with your feelings you can't go wrong.

I keep always going on about honesty with oneself. Once I got to the bottom what I really felt and counseling helped me in that by allowing to grieve for my childhood and being angry with all those grown up people around me I started getting to the bottom of my emotions.

Your biggest responsibility is to get better for yourself and your son.
Stop worrying about how your mother would react and would he approve of yourself.
Once you get that space around yourself you will be able to relax and start your healing process.

Your DH sounds like he helps you in that a lot. Maybe he wants to do more but is scared of saying wrong words and stirring more pain.

dollius yes it is very fucked up. Very. For some reason i really struggle with, despite what i know has happened and how she makes me feel, actually believing that she is a bad person.

Example: she was having ds for a few hours each week for me. Then over the last few months she kept messing me about and cancelling. Then I was meant to be going to wimbledon and she told me instead she was going away to babysit her in law's dog for a week. Ten she told me she couldnt babysit for my dh's endoscopy either. I replied and told her that i will havr to get someone else to help with the endoscopy then and i was miffed because id asked her ages ago re wimbledon. She then got very arsey with me and stopped replying to my messages and said she wouldnt be coming round the next day. I then felt bad and took some brownies round to cheer her up (i know, i know). She didnt want to come to the door and when her dh made her she was like ice. Just took them, said thanks and bye and shut the door.

I felt so tense, angry and upset over the whole thing i thought i was going to have a panic attack.

antimatter i am so sorry to read about everything you have been through. I am sending you a hug. Well done for having the strength to take some distance and work it all out, that takes real courage.

I can see that my mum was scared of being a single parent, i really can. And that has sometimes helped me let go a bit of my anger/sadness. But could i watch someone treat my ds that way just so i could stay with dp? No way. And my grandparents are really sweet loving people. As far as ive ever seen anyway.

My dh is a godsend. He has soent years and years listening and advising and helping me with this stuff.

your DM tries to punish you for her guilt she has I reckon

leave her to be and stew in her own anger and anxiety

I have severe self esteem issues like you but not from same circumstances but I was bullied a lot throughout my entire school days so it left it's mark. Other things have also happened which i won't mention but I now have panic attacks and anxiety. I have started a new treatment called acceptance and commitment therapy. It's a form of cbt and it's not a talking therapy. I mean you do talk about your problems but it gives us tools to handle them etc. It's more emotion based than normal cbt and it's scientifically proven to help the most. (I looked it up a lot) it's free and you can be referred by your doctor. I don't think a lot of people realise you can have counselling for free. There is humanistic approach which is the talking therapy where they can't advise you and there is cbt which is more hands on. I've had both because I needed both. Please seriously consider it. I've had six weeks of sessions more to come but it's starting to change my life please consider it.

Just wanted to say I've read your OP and although I can't add anything constructive re what to do next. Some great advice as always from pp's.

Don't feel bad about the way you feel at 35! There is no right or wrong way to feel. Every person that experiences abuse will deal with it in a different way. You are so lucky to have a wonderful dh and ds and you can build on that to achieve happiness and peace for yourself one day.

These are for you!

What helped me was seeing how dysfunctional my parents are through the eyes of my DH. It wasn't until I got married, that I began to get a truly outside perspective on them.

They (particularly my very controlling father) have sensed that and upped the emotional abuse/boundary ignoring ever since in response. It has helped that my DH is perfectly happy to take up the fight on my behalf and he has told my father in no uncertain terms several times what he thinks of them.

My father is in deep denial of my mother's abuse of me. He will acknowledge bits at times, but I am supposed to sweep it under the carpet so that his harmony isn't disrupted. He is very manipulative about it as well and has also turned on the waterworks in the past and hinted at suicide etc.

This is what your mother wants you to do and, yes, she feels guilt and then anger with you for her guilt. She is incapable of directing her anger where she should - to her H for his abuse of you and to herself for so badly failing you as a parent. To do so would make here world implode and she can't have that. She will never be your ally, so you need to find a way to stop caring about her wellbeing so much.

My father has gone to great lengths to get me to comply - from physically assaulting me (when I had my then 3-year-old DS2 in my arms) to trying to control me with money by giving hundreds of thousands of pounds (and a BMW in my sister's case) to my siblings, while pocket change to me. I am sure I will be cut out of the will (they are very wealthy). I don't care. my siblings will redistribute it anyway.

His manipulation hasn't worked, and I have finally told him to FOTTFSOFAWHGTTFOSM (fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there to fuck off some more - in more polite terms).

It took me a long, long time to get to where I am today, and you can only go at the pace you can cope with. But you will feel better once you feel the relationship is more on your terms.

dollius that last line of your post really stood out for me. ON MY TERMS. I feel like thats v important and i need to figure out what my terms are.

butterflygardens i will definitely look into that.

knowledgeispower thank you.

The situation has been on my mind a lot today but the only thing i know for sure is that i need soace to figure things out without either parent around messing with my head. Ive been dealing with a 3 yo with both chicken pox and acid reflux today so ive certainly been busy!