is this just a lapse

[whatdoesittake48]

My dh had form for ea and va. However for the last year or more he hasn't shouted as he really worked hard on himself. I thought we had come through it and I finally felt free of the fear. Until yesterday.
He shouted at me again. Not one of those escalating arguments but a fast loud shut you up shout. The type designed to make you scared. I know those well. Then he called me by my daughters name. He does this a lot in arguments. It is infantilising and reveals his true thoughts I think.
So what now. He apologised for shouting very quickly but I had always said it was a boundary I won't allow him to cross again. The anxiety is back and I am expected to put it behind us.
Is this just a lapse and can I trust him again? Why can't they change for good?

Well if it is a boundary you said you wouldn't allow him to cross again, and he has crossed it, I guess there is not much you can do apart from end it. Otherwise it is likely to escalate.

Wss ^^

I think it depends very much on context. Where you having an almighty row? Did it come out of the blue? Was he/you very stressed? Or did it feel bullying?

He has apologised which is good. However, this has understandably made you anxious. So he needs to recognise this and reassure you that it wont happen again.

We can't say if its a lapse or not but he has made you feel worried and he needs to recognise that. If he is dismissive I would view it as a red flag.

They don't change for good because a) the behaviour is ingrained and b) they don't want to change. If you are anxious and you've already said that it is something you wouldn't tolerate again then, for the sake of your self-respect and credibility, you have to follow through and tell him to leave - even if it a temporary thing. Who is expecting you to put it behind you?

I would take the time once he has gone to really think about the last year. Has he genuinely been the one making all the effort or have you been deliberately avoiding saying or doing anything that would trigger another outburst?

It was an argument about me not doing his washing. I wad telling him to grow up and tell me what he needs and that I can't read minds. But it came off the back of tensions about something else which was more ongoing. He thought the fact I didn't do his washing showed I didn't carte about him. I told him I don't care about his washing. ...
but yes the shouting came out of the blue and was a shock to me. I was also in a vulnerable position as I was in the shower.
He has asked me to put it behind us. But I think he means the whole argument which was sorted out.
I honestly felt he had improved over the last year. I wasso smug that my husband was capable of changing but recently he has been more critical and difficult.
One episode of shouting seems a petty reason for giving up the hard work we have both done but something needs to change.

Yes, if you had said it was a boundary, you have to follow it through.
More so if he is not exactly mortified and expects you to put it behind you immediately.

You can take your time to decide what to do, but it should be between a final split or a temporary split.

He shouted over not doing the washing? Fuck that - that is not the actions of someone at the end of thier tether. That is the actions of a controlling cunt. Im not sure I could get past that

I think the argument itself is something you should worry about.
He is reverting to type after making just enough effort to appease you for a year. It's similar to the nice person image they give in the beginning of the relationship. It doesn't last. Unless they take full responsibility for their behaviour and really believe they were in the wrong.

I am not sure I can either. But I do believe the washing argument was a red herring. He was actually angry about something else and it came out as this. We had hsd a few days of tension leading up to this. But he had not been talking to me and I was uncomfortable with bringing anything up. All that frustration spilled out.
I think he needs help. I have been having therapy and it has been helpful with my assertiveness. He must also have deep seated issues which need to be dealt with.

I am just making excuses for him aren't I.

I felt so strong and secure and now I feel ba c k to square one...

Have you had any kind of couples counselling? Has he had any kind of anger management?

I think it's difficult for us to gauge really. It is, actually, pretty normal for people to argue and to shout during an argument. But given your history, I can see that it must be very upsetting for you. What's hard to tell is if he's really crossed a line or if you were just having a row.

However, as others have said, if you told him there was a line that he mustn't cross, and he's crossed it, then you have to act in some way.

He's reverted to his default setting 'designed to make you scared'. It's no wonder you feel fear, you were meant to according to your opening post.

Couples argue all the time, that's not unusual. However people who love each other don't want to scare each other once, let alone continuously.

No

This is him, he will not change

And I reckon the only person modifying their behaviour over the last year has been you

Time to shit or get off the pot

No we haven't had counselling but did the freedom programme online separately. He read some books on anger and controlling relationships. I got individual counselling because he thought it would be useful to improve my motivation and confidence. I feel my counselling worries him. He expressed that he feared itwould
lead to me realising he is the problem and leaving.

I know he feels bad about shouting but it is always a "I as m sorry, but you said this...." type of apology. As much as I would love to scream and shout at him, I never would. No matter what he said.

I did push him once though because he wouldn't let me leave the room during an argument. I felt very cornered. I feel bad about that and it made me feel I can't complain about a small thing like one instance of shouting.

It looks like you were back to square one before the shouting already:

• you were scared to bring up something that was causing tension (eggshell walking)
• he argued that you not doing his washing means you don't care about him (classic EA emotional blackmail to put his feelings at the centre of your world/get you to do what he wants).

He doesn't look particularly changed to me, just toned down to real you back in.

As Cogito said, you really need to follow through and tell him it's not working out, and that he needs to leave, even just for a short duration while you think about your relationship.

You will probably feel so much more centred and relaxd without his presence it will make you realise what you already know. He is a controlling C**t who shouts at you for not doing his washing.

What was the days of silent treatment for? What did you "do" ?

Silent treatment to that list.

" "I as m sorry, but you said this...." "

That's not an apology, that's blaming you. An apology means taking full responsibility for the behaviour, not pinning it on someone else. Abusive men often use lines such as.... 'You make me angry'... 'I wouldn't behave this way if you didn't make me so jealous'.... 'if you didn't say xyz I wouldn't have to yell at you'

Sadly, you are going to struggle to develop your assertiveness when you are living with someone who is so uncomfortable with the idea of you being confident that they prefer to keep you on the back foot.

He has not changed and he is unlikely to change. Sadly, you probably won't realise just how much his behaviour has crushed your personality until several months after he's gone.

"did push him once though because he wouldn't let me leave the room during an argument"

One push in extremis does not make you abusive and does not mean you deserve to be abused. Again, it's something an abusive man will try to use against you. The 'you're as bad as I am' argument is another standard excuse so you have to put it out of your mind and clear your conscience.

The original tension was due to his concern over my eating habits. I lost a lot of weight a while ago and he is worried that a recent change of my habits may lead to me putting it back on. He didn't want to come across as critical so avoided talking about it. But I felt the tension and was anxious about it. I was tetchy with him because I sensed something was up.

I know my relationship has affected my confidence but the so had lots of events in my life. I just want him to realise that this is an ongoing process and that he needs to work on it all the time.

To be fair the shouting was nothing like what it might have been in the past. Not meaning to minimise. Just being fair.

You don't communicate well as a couple, do you? You said you hadn't undergone counselling but there has to be something you can do about the communication. All this stuff about 'tension' and 'sensing something is up' and 'avoiding talking'... it's all very cloak and dagger, very stressful and that on its own can lead to blow-ups and anxiety.

Calling you by your child's name is weird though isn't it?
What's that about?
I think it is very difficult to 'change' without some sort of counselling. He might be able to reign in the worst of his temper consciously, but in stressful situations he will not be able to do so.

He had form for being emotionally and verbally abusive and he still is being abusive here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Such men do not change; he feels entitled to do this and also does so because he can. No counsellor would ever see the two of you together due to his ongoing abuse of yourself.

Do you have children; if so what are they learning from you both about relationships here?. Two words suffice; damaging lessons.

Wow - there are a whole load of red flags flying here.
You've listed loads of abusive behaviour from him.
Can you not see that?

Please tell him to step out of the relationship.

Is he bio dad to any of the DC?

I think you should sign up for the freedom programme again but do the sessions as you've missed a whole heap of stuff here and are still minimising and excusing his vile behaviour.

You know he will never change. They very very rarely do.
What do you get from this relationship anyway?
You walk on eggshells
You get anxious
He shouts at you
He won't take responsibility for his actions
He stonewalls you
He expects you to be his little slave or his mother
He is not supportive at all of you and your problems
The relationship has affected your confidence.
He blames you
He doesn't like you getting counselling because you will see it's him - Wow - seriously. Of course it's HIM!

Please get him gone and find out who you are without a man in your life. Better to be alone than with this twat!

If my OH shouted at me for not doing his washing he'd be out the door with the washing firmly shoved up his arse!

And do NOT have joint counselling. He is still abusing you (massively!) and it is absolutely not recommended. Keep going with your counselling.

Someone who truly cares for you does not get tense and cause an atmosphere because they are so worried you are going to gain weight.

It sounds like you are happy to put up with being controlled by this man. It's your life, and if you want someone around who makes you feel bad about yourself that is up to you. That will never restore your confidence.