is this just a lapse

[whatdoesittake48]

My dh had form for ea and va. However for the last year or more he hasn't shouted as he really worked hard on himself. I thought we had come through it and I finally felt free of the fear. Until yesterday.
He shouted at me again. Not one of those escalating arguments but a fast loud shut you up shout. The type designed to make you scared. I know those well. Then he called me by my daughters name. He does this a lot in arguments. It is infantilising and reveals his true thoughts I think.
So what now. He apologised for shouting very quickly but I had always said it was a boundary I won't allow him to cross again. The anxiety is back and I am expected to put it behind us.
Is this just a lapse and can I trust him again? Why can't they change for good?

Someone who truly cares for you does not get tense and cause an atmosphere because they are so worried you are going to gain weight

I agree.

I'm a binge eater with fluctuating weight. My DH is a classic over eater with type 2 diabetes. We don't get tense or create an atmosphere but we are both worried.

Thank you all for your replies. I have sent him an email asking him to address his issues via counselling or leave. I feel this is a fair approach as he is somewhat aware of his behaviour. He feels bad about it. I think he is willing to work on himself.
It might be better that it is done away from me but financially that is tricky.
Our children are teenagers. We have been together for more than 15 years.
The weight thing has been a huge issue forever. He is slim and fit.

Individual counselling not together.

No, not joint counselling. Its never recommended where there has been abuse within the relationship.e.

I doubt very much he will leave at all without much rancour beforehand and will likely refuse to leave. He will now go all out to make your life even more intolerable. You may well have to employ legal means in separation to get him out; such men do not let go of their victims (I include your children in this as well) at all easily.

He is still being abusive towards you and uses your size as a power and control measure.

He doesn't feel bad though does he?
He is still not taking responsiblity for his actions and how he is behaving.
It's still partly YOUR fault! And you know damn well that it isn't.
So any time he starts an apology and then says 'BUT'. Stop him mid flow and tell him it's him and not you and to stop victim blaming.

If he's been working hard on fixing things for a year, what has he been doing if he's not been having counselling or therapy?

You say you've told him he has to get counselling. Why do you have to tell him that?
Surely if he's trying fix himself he should already be doing that or suggesting it and getting it booked.
Do NOT investigate and book this for him. It's something he needs to look into and get booked and done. HE needs to sort HIMSELF out.
You cannot do it for him.
You did not cause it.
You can't control it
And you cannot cure it.
Only he can. Make sure he takes the responsibility himself.

this really isn't out of the blue.

you say he's been more critical lately (building up), he is angry about what you do with your body but restricting himself to silent treatment and blowing up over other issues (because even he knows how friggin' obviously controlling and abusive it would be to try and control your body with outright abuse) and then he has shouted at you (in a way you recognise is designed to create fear) then refused to leave the bed (zero respect for boundaries or your wants/needs) then not been sorry until he realises you are not just falling into line and glossing over it so he puts on a bit of sorry with a lot of but, because, it's your fault-ism.

without last year having happened and knowing that you have set lines in the sand what would have happened? would he have hit you in the shower or screamed abuse at you whilst you were cornered and vulnerable in there? i bet you could feel his seething anger in that shout because really he still desperately wants to be able to escalate and control but he knows he's on thin ice.

i don't think he's changed, he's just trying to reign it in but massively resenting having to do so and desperately wanting to go back to controlling you over your body and behaviour. that anger has to explode at some point. whatever he changes of his outward behaviour if that sense of entitlement and superiority and sense of you as being a thing to please him/do what he wants is still there then nothing has changed really other than extending the timer on the bomb before explosion.

Yes, there are lots of red flags.

Cornering you (your pushing was self-defence)
The fake apology
Double standards - blaming you for his shouting, but avoiding responsibility for you pushing him
Not talking to you over your eating habits
Arguing over his washing
Assuming you should do his washing
Shouting to shut you up
Having threatening behaviour while you are in the shower
Calling you by your DD's name (WTAF?!)
Making you have counselling but him only reading books on it.
Making you take responsibility over his behaviour ("he thought it would be useful to improve my motivation and confidence")
Worried about the effect your counselling will have on him ("he feared it would lead to me realising he is the problem and leaving." - listen to what he says - he knows he is the problem)

His whole behaviour over the past year has been increasingly abusive, but just pushing a bit at a time.
Sure, he didn't scream now as before, so you'll let go. Next time it will be just a bit more, so you'll let go. Before you know it you will be shouted at just as before or worse.

My impression is that the relationship is already dead and you actually know it. But you are still a while from calling it dead and ending it.

Remember that you don't have to justify wanting to end it to anyone.

I am just making excuses for him aren't I.

I thought this was a pretty good assessment of it.

sorry my comment about refusing to get out of bed shouldn't have been there - i got mixed up with another poster on the board. the rest of it stands x

I know he feels bad about shouting but it is always a "I as m sorry, but you said this...." type of apology

Please bear in mind that the 'apology' is made in the cold light of day, not the heat of the moment. Despite this, he's still blaming you for his reaction!

If he was utterly mortified and genuinely sorry and taking ownership of the way he reacts, accepting it's his choice how he reacts, then I'd have hope.

That inability to to HE is the problem, not you, gives me little hope because in his eyes, there's still no problem because you deserve his reaction.

Just for a little perspective, if a guy shouted at me about not doing his washing, that would be IT. Women aren't washer-women. What is stopping him putting stuff in the machine?

These responses are terrifying because I know it is right in most cases but I am to weak to leave. Well actually, not weak. I just feel like I want to try everything first.
He tells me that he has had enough too. But doesn't want to inflict divorce on the kids.
I think he honestly believes I have been making life hard for him.
I have been pushing back and not accepting certain behaviour. He sees it as me being difficult to live with. He says he walks on eggshells.
It's a mess but I know the outcome already. We will talk. We will both agree to certain changes and try again. It a pattern.
It's this Co dependency

He says he walks on eggshells.
If that involves not shouting at you and not cornering you, then he should. But it's not good news if he has to worry so much about keeping that behaviour in check. It means that he will revert to type as soon as he can.
He is basically pushing you to accept his behaviour.

And you shouldn't want to inflict abusive behaviours on your kids.
It must be horrible for them living in that atmosphere all the time.
You aren't doing them any favours staying together.
You both want out. So do it.

Of course you are now making life harder for him.
You've pulled him up on his behaviour.
You won't put up with quite as much.
He is losing his control.
All abusers hate that.

Change that outcome.
Do what is right for your and your DC.

I think you are in the process of detachment. You can see the dynamics for what they are and him for what he is. You are aware of your role in it.
The next step will be to act on that detachment. You will get there.
At the moment, you can start working out on a leaving plan (or getting rid plan), as it will give you more confidence about what you can do based on his behaviour.

Get legal advice, financial advice, work out possible solutions for separation. You don't have to go ahead, but you will feel less trapped.

"I have been making life hard for him" - I bet you have. Keep going. :)

Ha! "I have to walk on eggshells" err... No there are only eggshells all over the place because Whatdoesittake48 is always having to walk on eggshells.

Projection ia yet another abusive tactic to add to the list.

You are coming to terms with the fact it's over, which is good. Honestly don't waste your time talking anymore.

"We will both agree to certain changes and try again" except he doesn't like to stick with the agreed changes does he. I think you know where this is headed. It only takes one talk to transform your whole life.

not hitting or screaming at you IS walking on eggshells for him. he's struggling to against his core nature and still seeing you as the problem (not putting up with it) rather than him (being like that at all).

i agree with finding out all you need to know about ending things re: money etc. just be armed with the info and see how you feel. i would suspect that if continue as they are there will be a tipping point and you'll be glad you found everything out. i sincerely hope that tipping point doesn't see you hurt or your children witnessing anything.

I think he honestly believes I have been making life hard for him

I think you're missing the point here.

Plenty of us get fed up with our partners and get annoyed, perfectly normal.

This becomes a problem when that is used as an excuse for unreasonable behaviour. Everybody get upset and angry at some point, that doesn't give them the right to react outside the bounds of acceptability.

Here's a question I've seen a number of times on mumsnet:

"Would he react like that with anyone else who annoyed him?"

Unless he sees that being angry doesn't give him the right to behave as he has been, you won't get anywhere.

Please, even if your not ready to leave now, at least get legal advice and an exit plan up together. You need to feel empowered to make choices.

you ARE making life hard for him by expecting him to act halfway like a decent human being. to act like a semi decent human being IS HARD FOR HIM.

seriously listen to what he's telling you about himself.

the act of not hitting you, not screaming in your face, not bullying and belittling you is a massive fucking strain for him. because that's.who.he.is.