What is he playing at?

[kissitbetter2]

Ex and I split up a year ago after I had enough of his lying, weed smoking, lack of responsibility and help in raising our two DDs. He eventually moved out 8 months ago to a flat he says is unsuitable for DDs to stay or visit him in.

Wanting the DDs to have a relationship with their Dad, he would come to the house and I made him feel welcome, but he'd sit there not paying the kids attention and glare at me or sulk. He wouldn't even take the kids to the park knowing that this would make things easier for me by giving me a break.

He started looking at my phone and computer when I was out of the room and got a nasty shock when he found out that I'd joined a dating website. Since then he's reverted to sending me abusive text messages calling me a whore and 'soiled goods'. So I've refused him access to the house.

I have been crystal clear that he should have every opportunity to see the kids but he says he has no money to take them anywhere and so hasn't seen them for over two weeks, he hasn't even called them. He will text me to ask how they are and I've asked him what his intentions are towards regular contact and maintenance (which has been patchy), but I get no answer. Can you help me understand his motivations for being like this and what I should do to help my DDs 2&6 have a meaningful relationship with their Dad, or not?

He says the kids are the only people he cares about in the world. But he has 4 other kids he never sees- I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm heartbroken.

I'm sorry you're heartbroken, but given he has 4 other dc he doesn't see, this was kind of predictable. I'm not sure that encouraging a relationship with a man who has no interest in them is good for your dc, but could you contact the mother(s) of his other dc so they can at least know their half-sibs?

Will he manipulate the situation so you end up cutting off the contact with the DDs so he can tell everyone you are the reason he can't see the kids? Did he do that with his other children?

Very probably, WrapDress, because the ex is always a mad bitch, eh?

I really am sorry you find yourself in this situation, kissitbetter, but writing him off as a dead loss is your best bet. Don't let him back in your house to spy on you, if he can't "afford" a trip to the park...

Are the grandparents any good?

My daughter's father was useless but the grandparents more than made up for him.

He's a twat and your DC don't really need that level of twattiness in their life. If he cba to make the effort to interact with them, or see them if you don't push it, then he's really not going to add anything positive to their childhood.

Leave it open for him to arrange contact - don't allow him back into your house though - and if he doesn't bother his sorry arse, then it will be his loss. Your DDs might be sad to begin with but they'll soon get the idea that he's a complete waster and stop caring about him.

I'm with Thumbwitch.

When my son's father had an affair when I was pregnant and we split up, I made it quite clear that I would never stop him or his family from having a relationship with my son, but that I wouldn't be chasing him for it because I had to focus my energies on bringing him up.

It's nearly 16 years now and we've never heard anything.

But he is definitely the one who lost out. My son is amazing, has never shown any interest in his father although he's always known about him, and knows that I'm quite open to talking about him, etc and has a brilliant relationship with his 'dad' (my exhusband who regards him as his own).

My point is, don't waste your energies on trying to involve someone who isn't sufficiently interested to make an effort himself. Don't close the door and stop him, but leave him to sort it out.

Well, considering his history with his other kids, 'what he's playing at' is what he's always played at.

Agree with the others. You will drive yourself round the bend trying to make this no-mark into a decent father. His relationship with his children is his responsibility and you can't force anything. What you do is leave the door open (metaphorically!) for him to see them, but you leave it up to him. Sadly, the chances are that he will drift out of their lives, but that is his choice and you will be wasting your energy trying to change it.

I've spent the last ten years trying to get my ds's father to step up to the mark. I'm exhausted, and it's been pointless. It is hard to step back, you feel as if you're failing your child, but actually the only person who's failing is him, and sooner or later the kids know it too.

Thank you all for your advice and wise observations. His family have been very helpful and supportive to me MexicanSpringtime - his mother won't defend him and is ashamed of what he's done.

Wrap dress and Oldlady - the reasons he gave me for him not seeing his other children were exactly that - their 2 mothers wouldn't let him. In fact I only found out about the eldest two 8 years into our relationship. This was the final nail in the coffin.

I really couldn't have made it easier for him to see the kids, I've kept him on the car insurance, invited him on days out, kept him informed about important school dates which he's never attended but I think he's manipulating a situation to make me refuse access so he can convince himself that I'm the bad guy and absolve him of any guilt or responsibility. I just don't understand why he's prepared to give up on our amazing beautiful children.

He doesn't see his kids is because he's lazy, selfish, unreliable & doesn't really care about them. The other mothers probably cut contact to protect their kids from the hurt.

What was he like as a Dad before the split? Were you doing things that made him look good as a parent so he seemed like a good dad?

When ex and I split I kept on trying to make his life easier by thinking about "if I was in his shoes" but at the end of the day it's not up to me to be his parenting coach. My ex uses the money excuse but how hard is it to take scooters to the park?

At least you kids will know that side of the familly through his parents, so there will always be a chance for them to get to know him in future if they want.

I have no idea how someone be like that to their kids, I think it's aweful. Don't bother encouraging him. Seems pointless to me.

God he sounds like a total waste of space. Tell him if he wants to see the children he needs to find somewhere appropriate to take them. His mothers house?

Don't let him use your place, you were kind enough to do that and he blew it.

I sincerely hope he doesn't manage to have any more children!!

I wouldn't even bother replying to his texts either.

Is he entitled to see the DDs in my house? He's certainly acting as though he is. His texts last night gave the litany of reasons why coming into my home is the only chance he gets to see them.
"I have nowhere to take them, I can't pick them up till 6.30 only to have them back for 7.30. Pretty pointless, and they'd get bored walking the same streets for an hour every night."

He refuses to see his mother, blaming her for telling me about the two children he fathered 25 years ago whom I didn't know existed until 8 years into our relationship. He has cut himself off from everybody.

He also refuses to set up a regular maintenance payment through his bank saying that if he is off work sick then he doesn't get paid and will incur charges from his bank due to insufficient funds. He is so infuriating.

He doesn't need to come into your house. Why can't he take dcs out at the weekend? A couple of hrs on a sat morn to the park? He needs to fit in with them, not them with him. X

What a waster....personally I wouldn't really want him having dc unsupervised as he sounds disinterested but I wouldn't want him in my house either. No way.

I'd get some legal advice to find out where you stand re that and financially.

no he doesn't have any right to come into your home - it is your private place and he is no longer part of that.

Please go to CMS for maintenance and stop trying to understand his behaviour - you never will, as your mind doesn't work like that. I guess he will have 6 children he doesn't bother to see now - and he will tell anyone who listens it isn't his fault....

And the abusive text messages - please report them to the police if they continue.

He has become an expert in what he does. Stop trying to think you will be different, he has proved who he is. Do everything re maintenance through the legal channels. I feel sorry for all six of his dcs.
Never trust a man that abandons dcs and blames the x.

I have had about half a dozen demands from my stbx that he sees the dcs in my house. I have refused them all. Public place or no contact at all (because the reason we separated was because he had physically and verbally abused the dcs). And still he demands it over and over again. I "broken record" it back to him... "no, public place or not at all" over and over. His first contact in months is today at an agreed public place. If he shows up at the house prior to that, I will be ringing the police. If he becomes abusive at the contact place, I will be ringing the police. If he starts demanding to come to my house again, I will be taking the dcs and leaving.

It is exhausting dealing with all the hassle, but stand firm.

Oh and lest anyone think I'm just happily sending my dcs off with an abusive parent, I stay there the whole time he is visiting with them. He doesn't usually tolerate them for long.

And I bet he cuts you off when another woman comes along. You're on the road to nowhere with him. Seriously don't bother hoping for the best.

Sounds like your ex waste of space likes the idea of children but not the reality where he has to actually do something with them. He just wants to slump in the house and spy on you while they sort of... happen around him.

Whatever I may say about XH - and I frequently do - he would crawl over broken glass to see the DC. I haven't let him in my house for years because he used to take liberties, so he takes them out for lunch, occasional dinners etc and is happy to drive them where they want to go (and wait hours in the car for them, which is a bit weird). The offspring are his as much as mine and I have no reason to try to stop him seeing them, though now they're grown they can make their own choices anyway. The house, however, is my space and there is absolutely no reason why I should have to let anyone in it who doesn't have a legal warrant.

I cannot see a court buying the line that he has to come into your house because he genuinely can't arrange anywhere else. The only thing I will say that might be taken to be a bit obstructive is that if he really can't collect them earlier than 6.30 (don't know how true that is) and you insist they be home again by 7.30, that doesn't allow much time for interaction. Perhaps if he took them out on a Friday, say, you could allow them to stay out longer, with time to take them for a meal or round a shopping centre. If he comes up with an excuse not to do that, you know where you stand!

Mine was four when I was able to shake off her father. I asked him to phone her every day at bedtime, so they could maintain a relationship. That was too expensive, and I was too controlling.

He was only reasonably reliable with access visits (would turn up three times out of four, never on time, never had her home on time) and always made sure he was out of the country on her birthday. His idea of a birthday present was to take her to the cash machine and give her something from there. Useful but not particularly caring. Daughter put up with him for the sake of the maintenance (which he short-changed us on for some time).

So they don't have a relationship. He's dying of/living with a brain tumour and she has to steel herself to see him, after ten years of not seeing him at all.

She has suffered emotionally and psychologically, even after going NC. It might have been better for her if we'd cut contact straight away, and just communicated through solicitors. But you can't tell how things are going to turn out, and you hope that he will be a father to his child. My own dad, her granddad, was/is a much better 'father' to her than her own dad ever was.

So, OP, I say "OK, try with this bloke, but if it doesn't work, give it up, don't look back, and focus on being happy with your girls."

I agree with everyone else who has said you can't make him be a decent father, he just isn't father material and his past confirms that. If you want to do everything you can for your DDs to have a relationship with him, you could go to the CSA regarding the maintenance and a solicitor to arrange formal contact but once you have done that you must move on and let him either step up to the mark or not (I suspect the latter).

You have my every sympathy. My kids do see their Dad but, for example, he was meant to see them this week but sent me an email saying he was in Malloraca and so couldn't make it. He pays what maintenance he feels like paying when he feels like paying it and yet swans in and out of my home like he still lives here.

I have wasted so much energy on trying to get him to see how he is not fulfilling his repsonsibilities or respecting my privacy and now jsut let it go for the children. As soon as the youngest hits 16 he'll be getting a massive fuck off from me. My point being, save yourself this ongoing shite and walk away.

It's possible he's doing it to get at you.
So, I'd actually make it so that he has to do the leg work to see them. And I'd act as if he was doing me a favour in not seeing them. It's probably the best shot you get at him actually wanting to see them.

ExH has actually become more regular when I started taking no crap, such as no shows.

Thanks everyone for your reassurance and sorry for those of you and your DCs who have or are going through something similar.

He's now told me he's applied to go to live in New Zealand. Oh and text messages saying that I disgust him and how much he hates me and others that are just meant to degrade me. I haven't responded to any of them but I don't even want to see him on the doorstep to pick up the DDs.

Selfishly I hope he does get accepted to NZ but would feel bad for my girls and for unsuspecting New Zealanders...