Where do you go when you break up?

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

DH has asked me to leave and says I can only take the children if I'm going somewhere safe. Where do I go? Will the council help me?

I have two children, DD 4 and DS 3. I gave up work 18 months ago to be a SAHM. I've always planned to go back once they are both at school and have been doing volunteer work to help with that.

I have no money of my own / access to any (his cash is kept in a safe and I don't have the key and I don't have access to his bank account).

He is the sole tenant on our house after he succeeded the tenancy from his nana (I could have gone on the tenancy at the same time but he didn't want me t

Sorry..... He didn't want me on the tenancy and has refused to have me added.

Where do I go? What do I do? He's not going to let me take the children without a fight and I'm scared I'm going to be left homeless and without my children.

See a solicitor immediately. You are married and have rights whether you are on the tenancy or not. Oh and 'his' money in the safe and in his bank are joint assets not his.

Will I have to pay for a solicitor or do you think they could advise in a 30min free appointment?

Shealther or women's aid

Tell your prick of a husband to leave

Visit CAB and find out your rights. He cannot just order you out of your home and separate you from your children.

Yes OP I found a solicitor with free 30 min appointment easily. Good luck.

Call Women's Aid and Shelter for advice. CAB might be good too but IME they're not so hot on domestic violence issues (which this is classed as, BTW, even if he has never physically hurt you, he is threatening that you cannot take the children and he is refusing you access to money.)

Everything will be fine, do not leave your children, but you need to get advice ASAP. He is all talk, and he doesn't know what he is talking about.

Thank you. Ironically one of the places I volunteer at helps with domestic abuse issues so I guess I can ask then for help. Will feel really silly though.

You can go to any children's centre and ask them for help too. They can talk you through the process and find you a place in a shelter with your children, and basically tell you your rights too. They will be able to help you sort out benefits and food for the immediate future, and they can stop your partner getting in - they are all classed as Safe places.

Unfortunately know this as someone I know had to use this service very recently, and she is moving into a council flat next week after being placed into a shelter a couple of weeks ago.

Good luck.

Do you have any family you can take the children to tomorrow while he is at work just so your all safe? Then you can go about contacting women's aid etc!

Thank you everyone. He is at work tomorrow and the munchkins are at preschool all day so I'm going to try and make some calls and see where I stand. He says I can stay for a couple of months but after that I have to go and if I don't have stable housing in the same town (which I won't get as the rents here are crazy) then I can't take the kids.

I feel numb. I can't believe he is doing this.

he literally cannot do that

stop listening to this cold hearted nobber and get professional advice

I think you will find it differs widely from what he says

at the moment, i think he thinks you will just fall into line with what he says

I hope you have more gumption than that

Will he be able to take the kids if I go into temporary accommodation?

Yes

I believe the children go with you.... someone will be along shortly who knows more than I do. Just didn't want you to go unanswered with such an important question. He cannot do what he thinks he can do to you!! And you are not as helpless as he has tried to convince you that you are. You NEED advice from WA, shelter, lawyers, etc. Please stay strong and keep asking for help from wherever you can; from anyone and everyone. He is wrong.

Youdontneed what are you talking about?

OP tenancies can be awarded by family law judges if it comes to that.

I would start by ringing Shelter tomorrow. There is no reason you cannot take the DC with you to temp accommodation if necessary.

I would also start gathering passports, birth & marriage certs, bank books etc together - can you leave them and a bag of essentials with a friend or relative?

Please start adopting the attitude that the DC are coming with you no matter what. Do not leave them with this knobber even if you think it is temporary.

OP he is talking out of his backside

As a SAHM you are the primary carer of the children, they say with you.

*stay

You will be able to take the kids if you go into temporary accommodation. I misread your post initially as that so assume criminallawyer did too.

You can take them into a women's shelter, you can take them to a friend's sofa where you can only stay 2 nights, you can take them into a B&B, (temporary accommodation when it's just you and more than one child is more likely to be a small flat, though) you can take them to live abroad in a hippy commune if you like, it doesn't matter if he says "My kids aren't going to live in X" if you are looking after them, you decide. You don't even have to tell him if you don't want to.

Fideliney is right - you must assume that they are coming with you, and don't leave them with him whatever he says. That is the only thing that you could do which would put him in a stronger position.

Please please please understand that he cannot legally kick you out and he cannot legally refuse to let you take the children. But he is not a reasonable person, and he is not going to let you walk happily out of the door with them. While it is true that he is not in charge of you, has no power over you and cannot tell you what to do, he is going to act all the way like he is, does and can. That means you're going to have to fight some extremely ingrained conditioning and stop being reasonable towards him or expecting him to react in a reasonable way. The best way to avoid all of this (which is his fault, BTW, because he is not accepting that you have the perfect right to leave) is to sort everything out before he has a chance to kick off.

You do not have to tell him where you are going, you do not need his approval and you do not require his permission to leave. Don't wait around hoping that you're going to get it, because he's enjoying the fact that you are waiting for it, that gives him the power. Your relationship is over, and you don't have to listen to him or seek his approval any more.

If he does kick you out forcibly without the children, you stand at the door and call the police. But I would try to get everything sorted before this happens.

Whatever you do and whatever he says do not leave the property without your children.

The courts will do what is best for the children. They are small, you look after them, it is best they stay with you. He cannot do this to you. Get advice asap and stay with your children. Don't leave them alone with him, or move out, until you've had proper advice, unless you're worried about your safety, in which case pack the children and run to women's aid/a shelter. Good luck.

Sheer determination will get you a long way.

Please keep us updated, OP

Wow - so you are with a controlling, financially abusive bully.
I hope you are making calls while we all type but contact Womens Aid.
As your work in the ideal place, let them know what is going and they may be able to help as well.
Shelter and CAB.
Speak to a solicitor. Some will take monies once the financials have been sorted and you will be awarded half of his money so you should be able to pay.
But as it seems there is abuse here, you will probably get legal aid.
So make sure you log everything with Womens Aid.
Has he ever been violent?
Does he shout?
Get a plan of action in place and get away from him with your DC as soon as you can.
And you do NOT have to stay in the same town.

He is feeding you lies so please do not believe a single word he says from here on in.

I spoke to work and they have arranged a meeting with a solicitor to get advise and have also asked the IDVA that works with women in our area to talk to me when she's in next week.

How can I have been so blind as to what he's like?

I've going to gather all my paperwork and keep it at work in case I need it. They've also said I can start bringing things in and storing them there whilst I get sorted.

It seems so unfair that me and the children are going to lose our home and support network because of him. You're right and he's not just going to let me take them and be reasonable about it - I am going to have to fight him every step of the way. This sucks.

Glad to hear that you have their support. Not everyone in your position can even get legal advice at the moment, so that is a big plus, at least.

You can do it.

I am really lucky. My boss was fantastic and let me cry and blow snot all over whilst she passed my tissues and calmed me down.