I think its time now

[LibbyZee]

Hi - have been reading mn for a couple of yrs now and got a lot out of it. i amnot the sort to admit failure, or wash dirty linen in public but you all are so supportive and i dont have an immediate network - so thought i'd join. Have been maried to lovely man for 12 years. ds is nearly 10 and dd is nearly 8. dh drinks too much basically. after a certain amount he wets the bed. i am at the end of my tether. we have split before, and he promised to change but is slipping back to old habits. (i am keping this brief as had problems logging on and have typed this once already!). thanks for listening, and any comments would be appreciated.

I used to go out with a guy who drank silly amounts of drink, got totally out of it & would sometimes wet the bed. I kept asking him to cut down the drink, but he could never stay off it for long & our relationship ended as a result.
I didn't have children though, & it sounds like your DH is a lovely man in every other way.
Is there a reason he is drinking so much?
Does he drink at home or go out to pubs etc?
If he really wants to change his ways, but is finding it too difficult to do alone, maybe a visit to his gp may be an idea.

someone at door. will respond soon.

Hi . 2 background possible reasons for the drink: his D drank and also H is in the army, which IMHO does nothing to discourage drinking. When we married he was a typical lad, overdoing it every w/end. then the pattern changed. He would drink almost every night, and it would not be socially with the lads any more, but infront of the tv. It makes me feel v lonely. I cant hav an intelligent conversation with him after a certain time of the evening. having the chlderen did not change things. in fact being stuck in the house every night just increases the problem. he has a low boredom threshold. anyway 2 yrs ago i had had enough and i asked him to leave which he did. we were in quarters (owned a house but this was in different county and rented out). he stayed in the mess for 2 m and persuaded me he would change. i used to try to convince him of the bad health effects - plus the fact that i did not fancy pushing him around in a wheelchair in our later years - i want us both to have healhy retirements. i have seen 2 of my relatives' lives affected by alcohol dependency and could not stand to see it again. he is never consistent in his response. sometimes its 'but you dont drink very much, how would you know' or 'you enjoy a drink, how can you tell me not to?' so my arguments never really stand up. i am so exhausted and bored with it all. to make matters worse we have bought another house but he is with his regt halfway up the country so he is living in the mess with easy access to the bar and is spending loads of money - the statement shows cashpoints withdrawals or the local store - so i know he is spending it on booze. I know he is bored and lonely etc, but i am sick of the excuses. i am bored too, but don't act like this.

Oh dear, it doesn't sound good. It sounds like he has a drinking problem, but doesn't want to admit it. It must be awful for you, I am so sorry.
I think you are going to have to have a big talk with him & tell him how much his drinking is affecting you & the children. If he cannot take steps to cut down alone, maybe going along to AA might help him to take the steps needed to cut down his drinking. I know he may not like the thought of this, but it sounds like he is very drink dependant & may be unable to stop without some kind of help.
I really feel for you, it must be awful.

Is he getting drunk every night?

thanks for responding pink. when we split up he went to the dr(quite brave as even tho confidentiality should be assured, in the army your business is never your own) the doc sent him to a 'specialist' i dont know what sort, exactly, but psychological. he told DH that he was not addicted, it was just a bad habit and he should be able to get himself out of it. i could have screamed - it was like he had been given permission! DH himself says taht he is scared he will not be able to sleep if he does not have a drink. he actually went without dringk for 3weeks once, to try to prove to me he could, and he slept well, so this seems like an excuse. but sleep problems or not, this is a habit he cant or wont break. I just feel he is being so selfish. And he smells terrible, the bed smells. when we want to go out on a weekend, we have to wait till he gets up, then the sheets have to be sorted out or left festering till we get back. on top of all the other washing that needs to be done. we are having some financial isues at the moment and i feel he is just wasting, wasting, wasting money on nothing.

I can't believe the doctors approach!! For your DH to actually go & see him in the first place should have been enough to tell the gp that he was crying for help & didn't feel he could do this alone!
It really does sound like your DH is drinking way above the norm & it is clearly affecting your relationship. He really sounds like he needs some help here. Could you maybe sit him down tonight & have a talk with him?

we only see each other every few wks, due to living/work situation. ev ery time hes due home i plan to do 'the talk' but dont want to spoil the atmosphere, as we do have a nice time. my approach will be different this time - previously i went on and on about the health issue. talking to brick wall. now its different - i am older and wiser, have gone through all the emotions. the kids are bigger and getting more independent. i hesitate to end it before because of their ages, but they are 2 yrs older now. and also, i ammore of the opinion that i want to live my life in a certain way and if he is not willing to make the changes, then i will have to leave him behind. its not that i have some great plans for my life or anyting, just want to get the best out of life and this beavoir is not going to let me acheive that. the hardest thing is that i took my mariage vows very very seriously, and it is hard to break the 'contract' . ps he drinks 6-8 cans of lager every night. sometimes he gets slightly stronger lager. I have a lovely drinks cabinet but cannot use it as if i have anything stronger he just guzzles it gradualy(after i am in bed)and leaves 1cm in the bottle. how annoying is that really.

Libby I know this sounds bad but as he is in the army is there any way you could talk to his commanding officer or someone as his heavy drinking may lead to affecting his work?

thanks sophie. this is a big no no. he is trying to climb the ranks and this would not look good. i know - it sounds like i am copping out. but he would not look good at all. plus going back to what i said earlier, if they felt he really had a problm wouldn't you think they would have raised it with him himself? but no - they (any body superior to him)convenently don't notice. people of the same rank have made comments to him, but more of the type that shows that they have noticed it, not actualy suggesting he shoud do anything about it!! they are all in denial. he doesn't arrive drunk at work, is a good worker, and presumably nobody stands close enough to each other to smell stale booze on a person! anyway, it really is his responsibility at the end of the day.

plus, it would really upset him that i hd gone behind his back!

Hi LibbyZee,

First of all you are doing an amazing job by being able to keep it together for this long. You have indirectly taken on all the "adult" responsibilities in your relationship including the upbringing of your children. I have firsthand experience with your situation, although I got out of it before it was serious enough for marriage and children. Honestly all I can say is, it will not get better if he does not want to get better, and I think you already know that.

I think the fact that you have aired this issue means that you have made up your mind as to what is best for you and your children and that takes guts! Your children will be approaching teenage years soon and they might not be able to cope with this situation then.

You cannot continue with this kind of relationship and be "healthy" within yourself and your children might suffer if you are not healthy within yourself.

I can only suggest that you now take care of yourself. My relationship was abusive as well and as a result I went into therapy for nearly 3 years just to be able to rebuild my self-esteem and learn to love myself again.

Please do not let this continue if you do not want it anymore, your children will not bet better off in a family where the relationship between the parents are not salvageable.

I hope you can find the right guidance and help and support in your area to carry you through what is going to be a very difficult and quite long journey.

Please keep us up to date on yourself and feel free to chat with us at anytime.

Hi funky dude - you don't even know me and you seem to know just how it is for me! sorry you have been through something similar but thank you for 'being there' - i have people i can talk to but they havent necesarily been thrhgou this and cant give me the advice i need. i went to al anon, and it was really helpful for a while but i needed to move on. re the kids, you are right, as they get older their bedtime moves later and later, but i have the date looming where they go to bed almost as late as us and already they are seeing his beer can every night - it has become part of the reoutine, where as when they were little he drank only once they had gone to bed. you're right on the responsibility thing - i am at home with the kids (but work full time) and he is sometimes less than supportive. i could put up wth that if it was not for this problem! i get so angry and think - what gives you the right to complain/spend money that i also have earned/criticise the way i run the home etc etc. you are right, this is not a healthy way for my mind to be constantly. I have spent ages rying not to be hasty, but i think this is it now.

Haven't been through this with drink, but with dh suffering form depression I have been the only adult in this family a lot. I would suggest that you write to your dh while he is away and spell it out for him how very near the end of the line you both are, maybe when he sees it in black and white in front of him without you "nagging" he may actually take it in. Your priority must be you and your children, do look after yourself.

LibbyZee,

It will all start with one step. Your first step might be for you to try and find the right kind of support in your area; including taking other people into your confidence and let them get the bigger picture. I turned to my parents as I knew that if it all went belly-up they will be there for me. I literally sat down and wrote out a list of everything that was happening to me, on the one side was all the positive things and on the other the negative. Once I was able to actually face the facts head on it twigged in my mind that I only had one option.

I have to go and put FunkyDude to bed now, but I will be back on before I go to bed, if you are still around I will chat to you. I've put a watch on this thread anyway and will make sure I check regularly to see how you are. I certainly understand part of your dilemma and will help as much as I can.

HI LibbyZee,
You said yr dh drinks and one of the reasons might be his dad drank, too.
looking at this, yr children may get effected from this and in future they can be alcohol dependent too (wish never).
you can say this to yr dh that yr children may act the same in future. maybe this can help him to do something about it.

thank you potoftea - i had thought about doing this. i keep a spreadsheet of our bank statements and tried to run him through things last wk, to show where our disposable income is going. He just would not see it! he just says oh well, this living apart is costing us alot. i quietly fume away, no-that is nothing to do with it, it is your constant spending! so i thought i'd write to him and send a print outof the figures to look at in his own time. i hesitated doing this, as didn't want to seem obsessive, or like an accountant. but it cant be any worse than urinating in the bed of the person you are supposed to love most, as they sleep, can it? if he still wont accept it, and wont even try to say he will try to change, that will be my answer.

hi shemem - you do have a point. my 2 relatives who are alc. dep. are my Gdad (died age 62)and Aunt (now in very very bad health). I have worried about this, but have tried to convince myself it wont be a prob. eg they dont see him getting drunk every night, they dont see the wet sheets (yet) they arent really affected by the lack of monay. but maybe i am just being an ostrich.

thanks everyone, i have just re-read through this whole thing - has given me a lot to think about. funkydude'smum, i'll pop by later, just in case. its good to be able to have a moan and generally get other people's view/experience. bye for now

Message withdrawn

Yes ggg - hav thought about doing that too, but have hesitated for the same reason as writing a letter/printing the statements. I am too hung up on what other people will think of me! although as i get older am getting over that. and am looking forward to being the old lady who goes out wearing a red hat - because she can!

Hiya
I'm very close to completed and being a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor. If you want advice and you and your dh feels that he has got a problem, then CAT me. I can give advice over the email for you if needed

thanks jofeb04. following the 2yrs ago stuff, i am still unsure - is he dependent or not. the nitty gritty is - 6 cans of beer x 1.8 units each = 10.8 units x 7 = 75.6 per week. the guidelines say for a man the healthy recommendation is 21-28 per week, is that right? if so, he really drinks alot: more than double the recommended amount. but, he does not exhibit stereotypical traits: drunkenness, inability to work etc, so i am constantly questioning whther i am overreacting?

An alcoholic can still function normally in work etc. Remember reading somewhere that that you don't have to be drinking every waking hour to be alcohol dependant and by regularly drinking what he doesevery night smacks of a problem.

wow sophie its a shock to hear that. I am sure i have heard it before, but when you read about it and it relates to someone else you dont really take it in. I am really coming to the conclusion now that that is it - enough. I feel {sad} as hell - this is the end of an era and all that. I want to feel excited about a new start but daren't let myself, after all i love all the good things that there are in my husband. but still the booze does sort of become a 'third peson' in the marriage.