I think its time now

[LibbyZee]

Hi - have been reading mn for a couple of yrs now and got a lot out of it. i amnot the sort to admit failure, or wash dirty linen in public but you all are so supportive and i dont have an immediate network - so thought i'd join. Have been maried to lovely man for 12 years. ds is nearly 10 and dd is nearly 8. dh drinks too much basically. after a certain amount he wets the bed. i am at the end of my tether. we have split before, and he promised to change but is slipping back to old habits. (i am keping this brief as had problems logging on and have typed this once already!). thanks for listening, and any comments would be appreciated.

as hell

Sorry to hear this Libby.
I'm a regular, but changed my name as I usually do on this subject. My DP also a heavy drinker and quite often either misses the loo or just wees where he thinks the loo is (balcony, hallway). I have no solutions for you, but just wanted to say that you're not alone, and I know exactly how tough it is being the only grown-up in the family, especially when you generally get bxxxxr all credit for it.
I've just started going to online AlAnon meetings. How did you find the face to face ones? I was surprised by the God-i-ness of it. Still, going to give it a few more tries, and I'm finding the chat room for family and friends of alcoholics pretty good.
Keep talking.

Hi LibbyZee,

I think that you have taken a huge step tonight in getting it out there, it already makes your load "lighter" and I'm sure you'll feel better knowing that you can make the decision and live with it.

In my situation my x only needed 2.5 pints to get him so completely drunk that he would not have any recollection the next day. Some people belief alcoholism is hereditary, I personally think that you can only offer so much to a person in need. There comes a point in time that you inevitably start giving too much and it ends up consuming yourself worth and starts taking away your basic rights to happiness.

What I'm wondering is, whether you have made up your mind about this and just need reassurance that you are making the right decision or whether you believe there is still a possible solution to the situation.

I do not think a money matter (which indirectly is becoming an issue due to the expense of his habit) is the right way of approaching him. If it was that simple I would just ask him to sign over all the income to you and then give him expense money while he is away. As you can see that will never work. You will only take away his right to the money and make him feel worse.

How do you really feel?

What do you really want to do?

Can you possibly sit down and decide on a plan of action and stick to it? Whether it means getting him the help he needs and repairing your relationship or letting him go?

HI metamorph- ps love the name, took ages to think of mine, then other people had the same name, and dread having to change it! thank you for that info- my visits to alanon were 2yrs ago - i didnt realise you could do it online! this would be great, because when i went before, we were not living apart (it was friday nights and when i returned there he would be, can in hand) but now with the babysitting issue, i couldnt go even if i wanted to. when i went, the people (there were about 6) were really lovely people. the drawback for me was that they either seemed to accept their fate and stayed with the person, or had left the person long ago and were so affected by what had happened, they could not 'move on' , or were still living with the person, but the person had given up the drinking long ago, yet they also were still unable to move on. i also attended a network meeting which had attendees from the county rather than just the local group. this involved a few people standing up and talking about their personal story and about how al anon had helped them. very humbling, and i'm glad i had chance to experience that. anyway, part of the reason for my not going any more was that he had promised to change, and my stopping going there was a sort of unspoken 'ok you have curbed your habit so i dont need to go to alanon any more' and partly for the reasons i mentioned above. hope that helps!

oh that's interesting to hear Libby. I was expecting something more to do with finding solutions and sharing experience, whereas actually it was much more about finding and peace and acceptance. Just not sure that's in my character.

Lots of the things you say strike a chord with me. Not being able to keep alcohol in the house. Not being able to discuss the problem with anyone else. For my DP the big no-no is discussing it with his parents, who are wilfully blind to the problem, but also a major cause of it, since they give him the money that pays for the booze.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi Libby I'm not in your position myself, so can only wish you well in what you are facing. I just wanted to say that I have a close friend who's dh is a heavy drinker. For years she would say to me he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every day. He's not an alcoholic because he drinks beer not spirits. He's not an alcoholic because he holds down a responsible job. But at the same time she was telling me this she would be telling me tnat she had no food for the children because her dh had once again been to the supermarket and spent everything on beer, had been drink driving with the children in the car or that it was normal for him to drink until he blacked out because he was in a band.

Finally, after 13 years she has come to the realistaion that he is an alcoholic because a) his drinking is having a destructive effect on his family and himself and b)he can't stop.

She has realised that for years she was enabling him to stay that way as she held the family together. Finally she gave him an ultimatum -stop drinking or that's it. Sadly he has chosen to keep drinking rather than face his problems but that doesn't mean that every alcohlic would do the same.

I have another friend who is primary teacher with responsibilty for English in her school. She can't drive 2 hours to see me these days because she gets the shakes so much if she can't drink on the way.

Not all alcoholics look like alcoholics.

thanks funky (is this shortening of names ok?) you really are asking all the q's i ask of myself!! and the simple answer is 50:50 which is really annoying. and it has been this way for years. i hate the fact that i cannot make my mind up. i'll answer your points one by one as they are so sensible.
para 3: i have sort of made my mind up to end it, but love dh so want an 'ideal world' situation where i have the good points of him but not the bad. after all, some women have husbands who really are good to them all the time, good with money and good dads...
'I really feel' that he should grow up, remember he is a married man, and not a singly, and take some responsibility for the house (its old-ish and needs repair jobs from time to time), children, and me, in spite of the fact that he is away most of the time. After all, I wasn't born knowing how to use a hoover/oven, either.
'money'I have yet to sort the money issue. As mentioned before, i haved tried to gently point out the ££ situation but he is not listening. I have thought about suggesting that we put away 1/12th of the regular bills each month, and what is left would be 'spending money' but know he would not go for that either. Have also considered putting my wage (much smaller than his) into a separate account, but would probably be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Plus i have always felt that if you are married, all finances should be shared. and what about when you go out - do you go dutch in equal proportions: not very romantic! although if you feel differently let me know as i joined this site to get opinion!
And answer to the last 2 paras. 50:50 again. for either options, would get on with it. although with the 'stay' option, would obviously have a period of 'proving himself'.

oh my god i just read shimmy21's response. thank you for letting us all know that, shimmyg21 that makes a lot of sense. i, like your friend hav e been married 12 years. i think i am coming to the realisation that a i cant keep covering b an alcoholic doesnt 'look' like an alcoholic (i compare my husband to other people in my family who are, but of course he has youth on his side. If i am totally honest, his skin,teeth and certain other pointers are not good) because he works, and wears a uniform. the experience and advice i had before joining mn today was oh, hes not an alcoholic: just point things out to him. and 2yrs ago i had convinced myself he was, and after everything, including listening to the other alanons peoples tales (which were alot worse than my experience) i had re-conviced myself that he wasnt. now do you see why i am confused!

Metamorph, me too! ( i find it confusing these posts that cross!) a couple of yrs ago - nothing to do with booze, but a ££ issue. My dh wanted some fishing kit. we (as usual) had not enough money to buy it, so he asked his mum to loan it. she is on a pension, but my dh out of all her 5 kids, she knows, is the most likely to pay back, so she loaned it. He never asked me if this would be ok. i found out about it afterwards. and it was paid back out of the joint account, which includes my pay! the moral of this story is, that we have been overdrawn on and off for years, so buying fishing kit is a non-essential. to add insult to injury, when he is fishing (this always involves being away overnight) he is obviously partaking of a six-pack, at least.

metamorph, i can share experience, or tell you some of the stories that have happened in my married life, which i havent shared because of the embarrassment, but if they'll help you here i go. Embarrassment before the men came to replace the hallway carpet in our married quarter (dog had ruined the carpet): will there be visible patches where he has fallen in the door drunk, then wee'd himself?
My friend and her husband and new baby visited for 4 days in the height of summer. DH was away so i gave them our bed. the bed has to have a protective cover on, which i left on to prevent any odours coming through from the excess heat. i was horrified when she said 'oh that mattress cover is hot, can we remove it?' i just had to change the subject quickly. in the end she didnt pursue it. poor things must have been boiling.

Several times when we lived overseas when he tried to speak the local language to taxi drivers when on the way home after a night out, but hadn't even taken lessons! just used the bits he'd learnt from me, as i had taken the lessons. if they'd followed his directions we'd be in timbuctoo now!

Generally when with friends, and trying to have conversation, dh cannot join in. Also, when at functions, by the time i am ready to unwind (ie had a few drinks) and start dancing, he is pissed and ready to go home. i would leave him to it, but don't want the babysitter to have to be confronted with him, and also don't want to leave the kids with him alone as he would be in a comotose state. this affects my social life. I'll leave it there, as it feels boring to me. thank you for reading.

hi LibbyZee,
did you try to talk to his family? his mother?
i am sure they wouldnt want a break up.

Hi Shebnem. 2 yrs ago his mum made it clear that she did not want to get involved (some of her other kids had broken marriages and i think she'd learnt from experience to keep out of it). We get on, but they are not very involved in our lives really. im sure they would not want to see a break up, but arent prepared to do any thing about it.

Hi LibbyZee,

I can sympathise with your need to try and save your marriage. I remember the way I felt, knowing that the person you love and fell in love with is in there somewhere, desperately wanting to make things better and to help them.

Do you think you can do that? Do you believe you can change it? You have to know that sometimes we can?t do it alone. I think if you truly can find it in your heart to feel that you truly love him and want to stick it out and try and salvage it you will have to get help for yourself.

I suggest you take people you know into your confidence to help you do a type of intervention. Is it possible for you to speak to your gp and get a referral to a professional that can guide you through this? Obviously I would not recommend this if you are not capable of getting the necessary help. I do not know how strong you are emotionally and if you would be able to cope?

Have you thought of moving out yourself for a while? Moving in with family? Maybe another person on the base? I cannot see how you can get through to him without taking drastic steps?

I really do hope you can think this through for yourself. I do not know what to suggest to you about your money problems, other than take it away from him for a while? Can you transfer your funds into a new account where you have sole access? That is drastic, and again, it will take away a means to an end for him, but if he is a true alcoholic he will find it elsewhere.

This is how I see it, from what you've written down;

You are in conflict about your feelings for him because of the vows you took. It is blocking your way out in the sense that you take you marriage vows seriously and it competes with you moral standards.

Secondly I think that money has become an issue, secondary to your husbands drinking problem. You would not have a money issue if he didn?t need to drink. I do not see you solving this without removing the booze.

Thirdly, I know there are a lot of high functioning alcoholics that will always get away with it. He is lucky in that regard; I cannot see how he will be able to pass fitness tests? Are you sure none of his colleagues suspects anything?

Lastly, I?m wondering if you have every sat down with your children and asked them if they are aware of any of it? If it hasn?t already affected them without you knowing? Even though they are still young, children grow up faster than you know and they sometimes knows more than what they led on.

Stay strong and know that what ever decision you make, is yours to make.

thank you all for your comments - they really make sense, and let me give myself permission to feel the way i do. I think what i am going to do in the first instance is get something down in writing to him - and explain that i cant do it any longer - his habits have to change, and also the financial effects. i hope he will read through this and take it in. after that when he is next at home, i want to see some drastic and permanent changes. the minute i feel things are going back to how they were, i will end the marriage and that is that. no more chances or excuses. if he decides that i am being to dictatorial and wants no part of it (ie wont change his ways) then at least i'll know too and can get on with my life. all the other stuff i have been worried about, i will just have to find a separate pot of strength for. the relief will be immense though. i have to go now, and do dinner, but i feel so much better having talked to you all. thank you for your good wishes. xxx bye for now - i'll let you know how it goes.

Hi - rejoining post from over 2 years ago. I hope some of the members who gave me some great advice are still around! Well, I did it on New Year's Day 2009 - left my husband. Things are OK although my H is suffering with the drinking. I have applied for a divorce, and this is making slow progress. I feel generally - better! The children seem to be coping fine with it, and all my family, friends and colleagues are v. supportive. I am thinking I should have done this before! but of course had to be ready. Anyway, just quickly recapping and will sign off as it is so late. Thank you all xxx

bumping this

I don't remember your story, but just wanted say "well done"

well done you,
am in same situation you were in.
we did have bed wetting once or twice.
have had a bad day today. am utterly upset so really uncanny that i shoudl come across your "story",
pleased for you.
we are totally in a financial mess so think if we got a loan, which is quoted payable off after 5 years, in 5 years time we can call it a day.

you had some good advice here.
i never did discover online alanon but would feel to embarassed to actually go to alanon, in case i knew anyone.

Hi, and thanks AnyF... how kind of you to say. I really can't describe how much better I feel, it's amazing. MrsG - if I had read your post 'before', I would have thought oh, I am not the only one in this situation, but would have still felt very helpless. Looking back on it now, the relief is so immense I don't know how any one can bear it! sounds simplistic I know. At least you are starting to look at things - the financial aspects etc, of the possibility of leaving. I would say please, please think about al-anon. There are groups in each area/town, so you wouldn't have to be on your own doorstep. It didn't help me long-term, but the short-term help was good - it was just a bit of me time each week talking totally freely to people in the same predicament. I still think of those people often and hope they are all well. Thank goodness al-anon exists, that's all I can say. And as for embarrassment, I only feel slightly embarrassed that I carried on for as long as I did. It is the person doing the drinking that should be embarrassed, but of course due to the nature of the game that doesnt happen.
Thank you for your responses - bye for now.