what now? Have I lost him? Have I lost myself?

[humanmagicmarker]

I found out a week ago that my husband has been sending flirty texts back and forth with a woman at work. I confronted him straight away and he seems absolutely distraught that it has happened, saying it never went any further. he says it was a moment of weakness with a woman he has worked with/been friends with for a number of years. I have only seen him cry once in our eight year relationship and when we discussed all this he cried his eyes out, as did I. So part of me wants to believe him.

He is my best friend and I am his, we have a four year old son, I'm lost without him.

But the trust is gone and I don't know if it can come back. I don't know what to do, every time we're both at work I can't stop thinking that he's in the same building as her. I want to give him a chance but I'm so incredibly hurt. I'm making this sound like I'm a weak little thing following him about but I sometimes feel like I just want to throw myself under a train just so the pain will stop. I've told him this and he is very worried about me, but I keep fantasising about ways to die and that scares the shit out of me.

What do I do?

I don't know what to do about the relationship but you need to contact your GP or mental health team right now.
And I mean now.
Get off mumsnet (for a few minutes) and get some real help.
Do not do yourself harm, your son needs you.
Come back when you've phoned a lot of people for a lot of help.

It's really early days for you. You've only just found out and your head will be all over the place. Don't put yourself under any pressure to get over it or feel better. I was exactly like you when it happened to me and with hindsight I wish I had tried to manage my reaction a bit more, if that makes sense? I let my brain go into overdrive and I felt so desperate for relief from it all.

You can manage your thoughts even in a situation as devastating as this. Try and allow yourself small pockets of time when you can think about it. At other times, tell yourself you'll think about it later and then get on with whatever you're doing. I know it seems a bit 'out there' but this method really helped me to see things clearly and stopped me from being overwhelmed with the emotion of it all.

You can get past this if you both feel the trust is recoverable. My DH actually had a one night stand with someone and it took me a long time to trust him again. He was very remorseful, became completely transparent, had counselling and we're actually happier now than we were before. We were only 2 years into our relationship when it happened and had no kids so it would have been easy to walk away but I'm glad I didn't. At the end of the day, only you will know in your heart whether you can forgive him.

Really hope you feel a little better soon x

thank you hon. I'm spiralling because I'm stuck at a conference 2 hours from home. Nothing like sitting in a tiny hotel room on your own to make you overthink things. I'm so scared about everything, so afraid to be judged for staying with him, and it just hurts so much. I feel sick most of the time and I can't eat.

Hi there,

We're so so sorry to hear what a crap time you're going through. If you're feeling low, our webguide might have some useful suggestions of organisations to get in contact with.

You need to see your GP and fast.
Tell him exactly what you have said here and get some help.

This is YOUR life and YOUR decision. No-one will judge you for staying and trying to make it work. Blimey, that's the tough road. It's often easier to just give up.
But if you don't want to give up and you want to fight for you marriage then that is commendable and something you must do.
Can you book some counselling as well, together or by yourself?

Your stomach is in knots and it's not easy to eat so try to drink sugary tea, smoothies or eat ice lollies.
Keep your sugar levels up because you'll 'dip' otherwise.

Trust takes a long time to rebuild. You cannot expect to just 'get back to normal' with the flick of your wrist.
It will take time. So give yourself time. Don't feel guilty about it.
The trust can come back if HE works very hard to rebuild it.
But it may be something you can't come back from.
You will know in time.

If you are feeling really down then please call Samaritans. They are fantastic and will help you until you get to your GP.

Come on now, contact the GP.