what on earth

[notdonethisbefore]

Hi - am mum of three teenagers, divorced 3 years.
Have spent the last 5 months in a loving warm relationship with a man whose 'sell' to me was on his honesty and trustworthiness. Whilst I was cautious he led the speed of the relationship. Spent time with his mum, his uncle, he took son for driving lesson, his idea to have both sets of parents for fathers day at his house and was hands on getting to know kids. He was delighted me and his mum hit it off. He told me he had fallen in love with me and we shared some incredibly personal conversations which resulted in him saying I was in his head and knew him better than anyone. He suggested a holiday and talked about how in the future we would manage both our houses and live together.
He has been separated from his wife (second separation from her in 5 years) for almost a year. No shared children only her grown up sons- source of angst in their marriage - and no contact for 2 years. The separations cost him a lot financially (he struggles with this fact). In his eyes she took everything.
When she heard he was seeing me she text and emailed him and created a reason to meet him. He asked her for a divorce. she answered yes and that she still loved him. (didnt tell me the last bit)
Now three weeks later he finishes our relationship angrily (by text) wont meet me or talk to me. He told me he sees no future, his mum it was too intense and now to me he is in love with her. He is so angry. His dad said this is what he does and he was so sorry he was doing it to me. His mum is furious with him and said his behaviour was disgusting and him going back to the ex was ridiculous and would not be supported.
He rang me yesterday - called me names for talking to his mum and hung up.
Am so confused and hurt - kids are too. Took me a long time to let him in - he knew my previous and how scared I was of taking the steps.
Anyone makes sense of that as it goes round and round my weary head.

Yuk, what a cock.

This is the reason that many people refuse to date anyone who is not actually married, as instances of reconciliation post divorce are i suspect much rarer.

None of which helps you, you simply got a wrong un. Better to find out now rather than later is the only consolation?

**should read -"who is not actually divorced"!

Yes - it felt 'safe' given they had reconciled before and it failed spectacularly - there was no suggestion he had any feelings for her - indeed worried me that he was rather bitter about the enormous sum of money he had to give her to stay in the house he loves. His friends and family told me how bad things had been for him and was so good to see him happy at last

Consider this a lucky escape.He sounds unhinged.Sorry that you're upset though.

I feel he played you even before he went back to see her and she declared undying love. It all sounds too much after only 5 months.

You are better off without him so see it as a positive thing you have found out relatively quickly that he is not a decent man.

Firstly 5 months is nothing in the whole scheme of things. I don't understand how you say "it took you a long time to let him in"?

Secondly, why did you let him get so close to your kids in this amount of time?

Thirdly, why would he have to give her a tonne of money if they had no children together and her sons are grown up?

Bullshit! Sorry OP but I think you were a bit gullible here and to call his parents etc. is a bit over the top (I know it must hurt also and am not saying this unkindly)

I personally will never date a "separated" man.

Dust yourself off and be far more cautious next time.

He sounds like he thrives on drama. I'm so sorry you've been caught up in it though. Take some time to reflect and heal. You're better off without him though. Definitely.

don't try to understand him - how could you as you would never do what he has done. At least you have 'only' wasted 5 months on him. But I agree 5 months is too quick to get him so embroiled in the life of your children.

If he has form for this, you are well rid. As far as making sense of it, don't even try, because he isn't operating on 'sense'. You just have to chalk it up to 'shit that happens in life'.

One thing to remember is when a man you are dating finishes with you, especially the way he did, you shouldn't contact or speak to his family about it. Done is done. Even if his family is lovely, it's time to cut any contact with them (and him, obviously) and just move on.

I agree w/pp who said not to date a separated man. Too many strings still attached.

I also agree w/pp who said it was too soon to get your children involved other than knowing you were dating and a possible quick 'This is Joe' introduction. Don't entwine your lives until (IMHO) you have a marriage proposal or plan to live together. And then, take it slow.

I know it's so hard to keep a healthy dose of skepticism when emotions are involved, but it's important to do so. Even the most sincere man may end up changing his mind, let alone one who is a user or (possibly) unhinged.

Just guard your heart more carefully last time.

I've been dating someone for 8 months. He's met my children once because we went on holiday and they wanted to meet him first. But it was a 2 hour lunch so that they could put a face to the name and be reassured he was a nice man.

How can it have taken you ages to let him in if you'd only been seeing him for 5 months?

It does seem a bit intense for such a short relationship.

I'm also sorry you're feeling hurt though

Thank you for all your judgemental comments. First time I have done something like this and will be the last.
Tinks42 - the money was to get her out of house and yes it is true :-) have seen the legal stuff
I didnt call his mum - she called me.
Embroiled in the life of my children - thanks Butterflyspring - I trod really carefully and in the end of years of not trusting enough did just that based on what I was told and sensed and others around me felt.

Cheers

Hey there. It sounds like it was great while it lasted. You took a risk, let someone in, gave a bloke the benefit of the doubt. He has let you down. Ex is still pulling his strings. I can't work out how they do this, I haven't managed it with mine (wouldn't want to) and the men I meet never seem to be totally out of relationship with ex. In an ideal world you and I would keep this away from dc's but its just not that easy. Forgive yourself, chalk it up to experience and get out with your dcs for some fun:-)

Oh I wish I had got to this post before unessesary judgy posts. I don't get why people bother. You have done nothing wrong at all :-)

I'm not being judgy, notdone. Dating after a marriage, especially when you have children, is a minefield.

As far as we are concerned, my personal feeling is that we can take whatever risks with our hearts and emotions that we like. But I do think we need to be careful with our children, for precisely the reason you've experienced.

You didn't know that he was going to turn out to be an arse. Of course you didn't. And if you had, there's no way you'd have introduced him to them! But that's the point, you didn't know...

And I'm sorry he did.

It's been suggested that I'm a little too cautious, in this respect... It's difficult to find the balance.

Sorry, but someone teaching your son to drive is not a casual acquaintance are they? We aren't going to post and tell you what you want to hear are we? Sorry, but I think you got far too involved far too quickly - and now you are paying the price. A man who speaks ill of his ex and has the relationship on fast forward from day one is a whole bunting of red flags.

Yes that level of intensity is a bit worrying but the OPs kids are teenagers, kids are more resilient than people think and driving lessons are just that. It's not like he'd moved in and they were calling him dad. I doubt they were emotionally invested in him at all. They probably just want their mum to be happy.

But with the intensity, the phoning you and nane calling, the bitterness and the on/off/on ex I would say there are plenty red flags so I think you have seen the best of him OP and the rest is best avoided. Lucky escape.

Don't be surprised if he changes his mind in a few nonths and/or tries to have you as a bit on the side. Go nc.

His current ferocity is probably had to spin the x all kindsa nonsense about you to convince her it was no big deal.

Be kind to yourself. It's a bullet dodged.

Thank you for those who have made thoughtful comments. For the others - I know my errors - I was looking for insight into him. Going back to an ex for the third time? Etc

When it comes to kids and new relationships I would say this. My three have watched me go through 4 years of tough times and been there with me. They wanted to meet and know the
man who put a smile on my face, they wanted to know who was making me laugh like I haven't in years. And I felt they had a right to meet and judge for themselves who I was spending valuable time with.
The rest came naturally and from his desire to show them he was someone they could trust - ha!
I had to make a decision whether I was going to tinker round the edges of a relationship or actually have one! No one has been more scared or conscious of others during these last five months.

I don't think there's any insight into him to be found.

I think he probably thrives of the drama of this cycle.

He seperates from wife; meets someone else and proves to himself he's still got it by making her fall in love with him, proves to himself he's a decent guy by ingratiating himself with her family, gets back together with his wife and dumps woman.

His dad told you it's what he does. There's no insight to be had beyond that. Low self esteem, needs validation from women, gets bored, lonely and probably anxious when he's split up from his wife...

Sounds like he was totally emotionally tied to his ex, he probably tried to move on but as soon as she made contact again he went running. He said and did all the right things with you. You had no reason not to trust him. If people lie and deceive us then it's sometimes impossible to see this coming.
Sadly you have been conned and I feel very sad for you. I think his ex couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else and knew the power she still had over him. It won't last long for them and I truly hope you will not let him re establish any contact whatsoever with you when he wants to come back with his tail between his legs. He will always hurt you I'm afraid.

Thank you Heyday. That helps.
His actions have shocked all and no support for them from friends or family. Maybe that's why he is so angry.
I have already changed my mobile number.

not you might've known it was all your fault eh?

Crikey this MNer has come here for help and advice and support and she gets a whole heap of judge heaped on her. Give her a break. You've never made mistakes in relationships I assume.

Tbh a man can turn arsehole at any time, short or long term. Sometimes, as I can attest, it can come out of the blue.

I'm sorry this has happened not. I hope it doesn't put you off love and men forever. There are some decent ones out there. All yih can do now I'd wait for time to do its work. Surround yourself with friends. Keep busy. And go completely NC. Good luck

I suspect that the validation aspect is true (as pointed out by heyday) but also just that old game of make the ex jealous.

He is a player. They deserve each other.

You OP deserve better.
View this one as training.

I've been in a very similar situation myself. If someone seems to good to be true they usually are just that.
It seems he thrives on a drama, he's emotionally immature.
You do realise he'll be back don't you? and you know exactly what you're going to tell him where do go right?
Please don't waste another second fretting over this poor excuse of a man, you are not ever going to get answers.
So sorry this has happened to you but be thankful you only knew him for 5 short months. Any longer and you would have become as emotionally needy as his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if she is actually a nice person albeit damaged by his ridiculous mind games.
You're well shot of this arsehole.

I might add that my toxic ex ( many moons ago) also showed me emails from his ex, saying how sorry it was over etc. ( hadn't seen her in 6 years?). They got back together but she soon gave him the boot when she finally woke up to the realisation that he was a complete twat.
As for all the money you ex shelled out when he separated ; well, I'd take that with a generous pinch of salt. I was fed the same story but later discovered she was the breadwinner and he couldn't hold down a job for more than a few weeks.

Thank you Up
He runs his own business and she works in a shop. Financial stuff is true.
She is 8 years older than him so in early 50s.
First split they had erupted when she sided with son over serious issue he had stopped.
Relationship with stepson never really recovered. He spent Christmas alone whilst she was with her sons
Second split less than 3 years later. In his eyes she took all she could.
I do believe he was trying to move on and she wouldn't let him. Don't understand the draw to revisit such pain. We did talk about being scared of the future and how hard to put your faith in someone again. It's like he has panicked and run off in opposite direction - better the devil you know and all that.
Why so angry at me? Because I have him sussed and he doesn't like the honest challenge?
Am afraid the don't try to understand version doesn't work for me. At least understanding the rudest and stupidest of behaviours helps my head (and heart) and makes me stronger for future.