Stupid questions/thoughts about sex - please help!

[Queenofthedamaged]

Ok, to start of with anyone with a TMI filter switch channels now. Thank you.

I am a thirty-something in a loving relationship and I'm just not sure if I've ever orgasmed. I think I have trouble switching my brain off during sex, so it has become rather a one-sided affair over the years - we don't have sex often and when we do it's rather of the 'wham bam' nature. Mostly, it has to be said, because of me not wanting to, erm, not come. IYSWIM.

Also, I don't masturbate. Well, I did give it a go the other night, but again had the switch-off issue.

For some reason this has recently become a bit of an issue for me, and due to the nature of our physical relationship I can't seem to be able to tempt dh into bed with me!! Am horny, can't relax, not sure what to do.

Please help! I need suggestions and also, if there's anyone prepared to, some kind of idea of what an orgasm feels like in reality - not just sexy lit which tends to be 'ooh, tension inside and then a wonderful exposion washed over me and i screamed out in release' stuff. well, the stuff I've read anyway. I seem to get the tension bit but not the other!

Ta x

I don't think you should attempt to switch your brain off but you should try to focus solely on relaxing and escalating the pleasurable feelings to the exclusion of everything else. No distractions basically. 'Wham bam' sounds like a fairly quick & unsatisfactory experience? And when does sex tend to happen? End of a long day? If there's any time pressure or other things going on then perhaps you should set aside more space for foreplay and relaxation?

Finally I would be careful about blaming yourself for what's happening. I've been more than a few loving relationships, have a healthy sex-drive and ability to orgasm and yet some of my lovers down the years have been able to totally kill the moment with a mistimed word. (They are now ex lovers...) Have you had better sexual experiences in the past with someone other than your DH? Do you trust him or is it all a bit awkward? Do you suspect he's just a crap shag?

As to what an orgasm feels like, I suppose that's subjective. Best one I heard recently was that feeling when you get a gnat bite on your ankle itching like crazy and you finally give in and scratch the hell out of it. There's a point when the scratching stops being painful and feels wonderful instead.... it's like that but multiplied considerably up. :)

I just get sad sometimes.

www.annsummers.com/p/pink-vibrating-bullet/07cshdas1308041

Get one of these, you will then know what it feels like! I have the same prob as you just discovered this earlier than you :)

What do you get sad about? Perceived inability to orgasm?

MissP I have a Mini One and have tried it - part of the current effort! Get all tense but no nice relaxy bit? That's what upsets me CES - the lack of relaxation and physical nice feelings.

It could be exactly as you say. Try some meditation techniques, deep breathing and relaxing muscles away from the relevant bits - distract your brain's attention.
Practice your new hobby (masturbation) until you find something you like. Not everyone finds vibrators a sure-fire solution.

It does take practice to be honest.

I think I meant 'practise'. Sorry. Do both, anyway.

Saw this and thought of you...
www.sh-womenstore.com/Erotic+Classes/Female_Orgasm_Erotic_Class.html

I think this is helpful, where the counterintuitive bit is that it helps to tense muscles while relaxing your brain: www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/features/cant-orgasm-heres-help-for-women

Do pelvic floor muscle (aka 'Kegel') exercises, which you should be doing anyway. Don't forget to both tense the muscles and consciously release them. The physical bit of an orgasm is involuntary rhythmic contraction of those muscles (plus other physical reactions plus nice feel-good hormones).

If it's always wham bam, as you say, then that could be part of the problem.

Go slow. Really slow. I honestly think that could help. Might sound simple, but this made a massive difference to me.

Thank you for your suggestions ! I think trying a variety is probably the answer... and possibly getting someone else to mind the dc somewhere else too! Not sure I could manage erotic classes though...

How about thinking of a favourite sex scene in a film or about a sexy bloke? I tend to use mental stimulation like that!

How do you feel about sex? And erotica and 'naughty' or 'dirty' side of it? Are you a bit shy? Do you think you are a bit prudish? You might be mentally blocking yourself. I was like that for a while until I met someone who made me feel comfortable enough to let go and relax into it. Made sex feel more intimate and less sordid. No matter what we do together he never makes me feel dirty.
Maybe carve out some time for yourself and concentrate on what you find erotic, what turns you on and whatever it is.... Don't feel ashamed! Sex and orgasms are carnal. It's our animal side and animals have no time for shame.

Buy a " rabbit " vibrator from Anne Summers ( you can order via Internet ). You will certainly find out what an orgasm feels like from one of those.... then you can go from there with the DH.

You see, I wouldn't go straight for a rabbit. They can look a bit intimidating if you're not confident. I'd go for a bullet - just for clitoral stimulation

Trouble with a bullet is that they require a stretch to reach!

I'm not sure I understand joysmum?

I also never ogasmed until my late twenties, and only then because I bought a rabbit.
I would enjoy the sensations of being touched but after a while found it painful and just couldn't get passed that feeling, plus my mind would drift on to the washing. With the help of a rabbit I realised I could get there quicker so avoided my mind wandering and also it helped tip me over the edge. I still have never orgasmed with touch alone.

Definitely recommend a rabbit or similar. Practice, practice on your own until you are able to have an orgasm - and you will. Then you will learn to feel more comfortable asking your partners to stimulate you in the same way.

don't be sad, don't be ashamed. It's a lot more common than you would think.

They also say tensing your pelvic floor and rocking your hips helps

I'm not sure I understand joysmum?

I have back issues. To use a bullet on my clit requires an uncomfortable stretch and it lacks a comfy easy to hold handle. A wand or a rabbit solves those issues for me

Oh I see Joysmum! I guess the moral of this thread is to find what works for you

And have fun finding out

Abso-bloody-lutely!