Another PIL thread...

[atotalshambles]

This is my first time posting on a thread but I would appreciate any help from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I have known my PIL for years and years. They are very lovely people. They both retired a few years ago and are in good health. We always got on really well. That is until we had children!

I realised that things had changed on our first joint holiday when my first child was a few months old. As soon as we arrived at the destination they took the baby and basically wouldn't let me near the baby for the rest of the holiday. I would snatch a few moments with the baby before the baby would taken away for 'grandparent time'. They are basically the most enthusiastic grandparents ever. They mean well but just take over.

This holiday set the scene for the last few years .We have since had 2 more children and every time they see them they like to take them off on their own to have 'control' and do things 'their way'. If we ever leave them with them for a few days they always try to extend the time they have them or take control in their own way. For example, if I leave medicine for a child they will go out and buy a separate medicine which they think is better. When I was pregnant last year I went to stay with them with the children for a few days and they would go out for a few hours and leave me in their house on my own (and not ask me!). I think they were put out that I hadn't wanted to leave them with them on their own.

Last year just before i had my last baby i became seriously ill. To their credit they dropped everything and came to help. I wasn't expected to recover and while my husband was with me in hospital they looked after the kids. For the next 6 weeks they looked after the kids and were great. I was amazingly lucky and after a month was out of hospital and am now expected to make a full recovery in time. I was separated from my baby for the first month which has been really difficult.

Initially I found it really hard to bond with the baby and I did tell my PILs but they would say things like 'I was so bonded with the baby that I have really struggled to give him back' and 'we could easily take the baby home '. They would not let me near the baby at a time when I needed to bond so in the end we made alternative arrangements for childcare. I now look after the kids pretty much all of the time. I have a little bit of help but mostly do it independently. I am completely bonded with the baby now. The PIL ask to come down constantly and if we refuse then they try to engineer a reason e.g. we are meeting friends can we stay at your house etc..

What I struggle with now is how to move on. I want things to change with the PIL. I feel that my own parents have suffered and not seen the kids as much as they are not as 'pushy'. I want to have a good relationship with the PIL but not have them take over. I can already see they are annoyed as we are trying to put in some boundaries and not see them as much/see them on our own terms. I also find I am angry with them as I feel they they didn't help me bond with the baby but were more interested in 'their time' with 'their grandchildren'.

I don't want want to fall out with them as I know they mean well . Any suggestions for help would be appreciated.

I am sorry AgathaF but although I agree that the GIL have over stepped the mark, how can looking after three children, one of who is a new born baby for SIX weeks be putting themselves first? These people are in their sixties and presumably were up half the night. Before posting I think all the posts should be read. However the MIL was totally out of order saying to ATot that she wished she had not married her son because she was ill and may have passed on what she had got to her Gchildren. That was a wicked and stupid thing to say. I think this whole situation stems from ATot being too nice, being unable to be assertive because they are her husbands parents. We have all been there.

Hole I can assure that I read all the posts prior to posting. I read the thread yesterday and again today. I wasn't going to post initially but changed my mind this morning. I posted my opinion, you are entitled to have yours. Just because I don't agree with you, doesn't make my opinion wrong or yours right.

To answer your question about how can looking after three children for six weeks be putting themselves first. It isn't the looking after that is wrong in my opinion. It is the undermining, the taking over, the overstepping boundaries. These things can happen in obvious or subtle ways, as in this case. However, the OP and her DH feel uncomfortable and upset about it. I can understand exactly why they would do so.

I'm not sure that your assertion that this situation stems from the OP being "too nice" is particularly fair. You don't know the OP (I assume) so cannot make that judgement.

The PILs have another set of gcs through their dd. They see a lot of them and everything seems fine on that front. I really don't think there is some sinister plot to deprive OP of her children.

There are so many threads on here from DILs who feel that the inlaws pay more attention to the other gcs. Isn't it more likely that the PILs are trying to have an equal relationship with both sets of gcs so Op's children don't feel second best?

The problem here isn't one of boundaries. It's that the OP wants a more distant relationship with her inlaws. Six weeks is a long time and it sounds as if PILs coped very well. Perhaps too well, from OP's p.o.v. You don't want your dcs to be pining for you, but you do need to be missed.

I can understand OP needing some distance at the moment. When she sees her dcs with their gps, perhaps talking about things that happened when she was away, it must bring back a very distressing time that she's trying to forget. She's still reconnecting with her family and her PILs get in the way of that.

But the PILs don't need to be cast as the villains of the piece to validate OP's feelings. She says herself that they are very lovely people. I think if you have a formal sit-down, with chapter and verse, they are going to end up feeling blamed. Could DH have a word with SIL who may have picked up that her parents are feeling fobbed off? Just to say it's nothing personal but you're feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Hello. Grandkids are not bothered either way - happy to see either set of GPs but not bothered if they don't . We had a maternity nurse for the baby so ILs were not looking after the little one. When the maternity nurse was not there by DH looked after the baby and did the night feeds. They are 100% not horrible at all - they mean well but can't help themselves from taking over. They do it with DH as well. I think they struggle to see us at adults and always think they know better. We haven't addressed it before mainly because I didn't want to say anything as they were not my parents and my DH struggles saying anything like that. We thought it would get better as kids got older. When I got ill they were great they just took it a step too far, and when I got better they struggled to let go. I think now they have retired they don't have a whole going on and have made their grandchildren their life. I am genuinely very fond of them but just want them to be a bit less full-on.

AgathaF, I didn't say anything about your opinion being right or wrong. I respect your right to disagree with me utterly. I wanted to know how looking after two plus children for six weeks ( and probably cooking, cleaning, entertaining, probably funding, taxi service, ironing, in their DIL home) all out of their comfort zone and also being in their Sixties, was putting them selves first ? You were making quite hefty assumptions about the response of Atot's PIL ( I quote , I doubt whether they would either understand etc) and then telling me that I don't know Atot. A bit patronising as we are all posting anonymously. In her post of the 4th of July, Atot says herself that she and her DH have not curbed his Parents behaviour because of nicety/ shyness or whatever. I did assume the PIL were getting up at night to feed the baby, sorry for that as Atot put me right.Anyway Atot you have had enough opinions to sink a ship now. I think I shall have to post soon to ask how I can STOP posting on MN as I am getting addicted.

Thanks again for all the advice . Hole - if you are bored and have nothing to do then being needed is a great thing to have. My PIL did come to help our family but they were also very selfish in a way as they had their own emotional issues which are probably completely unaware of. If they had just helped it would be have been wonderful it was all the other stuff which has got in the way. All I wanted was another perspective - I've got that thanks. Am now off back to real life.

While the GPs stepped in at ailment of crisis, they haven't stepped back now things are resolved.
The issue about refusing to hand the baby over was mindblowingly horrible and selfish.
The overall picture is of people who like to be needed, who them try to take control and are insensitive of how yheir actions impact on others. The fact the helped out during a crisis foes not mean OP and her DH have to put up with their unacceptable behaviour any l

OP, sorry you've had such a hard time. There's so much good advice here already, I'm not sure I have much to add - but would totally agree with the sentiments expressed by excinnamon, Katie, Patilla et al.

That comment your MIL made was particularly hurtful & really quite a nasty thing to say to somebody who had been so ill. Seriously, you're no longer good enough for her DS because you've been dangerously ill? I know those weren't her words, but that seems to be the message. God, I'd struggle with that, & with trying not to feel resentful about the fact that, as excinnamon put it so well, they "used the situation to act out their ideal world scenario".

One thing I'm finding interesting on this thread is the idea that seems implicit in some posters' advice, that because someone's done something to help you, you are obliged to put up with behaviour that might ordinarily seem unacceptable. Like there's a kind of balance scales, & if somebody's provided childcare or been invaluable when you've been ill, then that weighs the scales on one side & means that a greater quantity of undermining or interfering behaviour is allowed, to balance things up in some weird way.

I guess there's an element of that in ordinary life - if someone's kind to you, you cut them some slack, sure: but if someone really does totally overstep the boundaries - does anyone really think that the person who's been helped no longer has any moral right to object to this? I suppose it depends on whether the PIL are doing that: I think they are, & examples like the medicine one suggest to me that OP & her DH certainly do need to redraw some of these boundaries.

Best of luck, atotalshambles They do sound very kind people as well as a bit full on. HOpe it all works out well