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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fatal Attraction or Fatal Hesitation? (long)

33 replies

60feel16again · 03/07/2014 10:04

I have been married for many years. TBH I don't think my wife has ever really loved me. She says "I love you" to family, the kids, pets etc. but never to me. If I ask her, she will say "sometimes". I think mainly it is gratitude that I "saved her" from a bad home situation. When we got married people were surprised and said "We thought you were more like brother and sister". She never really wants sex - maybe a couple of times a year, when we are out of the home situation, but she puts up with it, once or twice a week without any enthusiasm. She said once " I haven't felt anything for you for a long time". She says things like this from time to time. These things she says haunt me and I lie awake thinking about them. She confessed to an affair years ago and said is was purely "physical" and I forgave her. She said "if you want to get your own back, that's OK so long as you don't tell me". The opportunity has come up several times but I have always pulled back from the brink. Once she suspected I was having an affair and really pulled out the stops to keep me. New clothes new hairdo, sex every night.

So there is this woman at work. She works in another office. I met her some years ago on a training course and we hit it off straight away. The attraction was there but we were both married so just left it. I have met her a few times since and the magnetism was still there for both of us. We met up again at a works "do" the other night, we were (discretely) in one another's arms late into the early hours and had hours of deep meaningful conversation. I could feel myself falling in love for the first time in years. I had forgotten how it felt. At the end of the night she sat silently thinking for at least 10 minutes about whether we should go to bed. She is a widow now and single. In the end she said "I have an early start in the morning" so we left it. I followed her upstairs after a discrete delay and we kissed outside her room and stupidly(?) I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too" in a very sincere tone. I didn't want any awkwardness the next day, so I kissed her on the cheek and said "until the next time" and that was it. She seemed OK with that. I think my wife suspects something happened, as she was especially nice to me for a few days, but back to the cold shoulder in bed now Sad

So what now? I have been walking on air ever since and feel happier than I can remember. Don't know whether to make contact, or just remember it as a wonderful evening. I have since seen the photos of the evening and I am way out of my league with this woman anyway.

OP posts:
Greenwayslide · 03/07/2014 10:10

Why are you still in your sham of a marriage? What do get from it?

Quitelikely · 03/07/2014 10:14

It sounds like your marriage needs some serious attention if its going to survive. Have a serious talk with your wife to realise her stance on the situation. If you feel she isn't committed then I think you both could be living more fulfilled lives apart.

worldgonecrazy · 03/07/2014 10:19

There is only one shot at this life. If you are truly miserable and emotionally unfulfilled by your marriage, then you owe it to yourself and to your wife to leave and allow you both the chance to find someone you love, and who can make you happy.

Clothes, hairdos and sex cannot even paper over the cracks in a poor marriage.

When you have done this and given yourself some time to heal, then you can contact the woman who you have feelings for, when you know it is not a rebound situation, or a "get out of jail" card.

rainbowsmiles · 03/07/2014 10:21

Och just go for it.... Your wife deserves it.... and you love one another after all.

WildBillfemale · 03/07/2014 10:22

The work lady sounds like a nice woman, you've known each other years and may have a future at some point but not whilst you are still married.

Fix or end your marriage, it sounds miserable.

rosepetalsoup · 03/07/2014 16:05

Oh dear! It's a bit of a mess but maybe you can end your marriage then see if you still like this other lady?

It sounds like your wife wants to get rid of you anyway but is a bit frightened when it comes to actually pulling the plaster off. Either that or she enjoys keeping you in a kind of emotional/intimacy high security prison!!

Get divorced I reckon. It sounds like it ended when she had the affair.

Lovingfreedom · 03/07/2014 16:17

If you were my husband I'd tell you to get to fuck follow your destiny

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 03/07/2014 16:28

She never really wants sex - but she puts up with it, once or twice a week
[I wonder how that feels for her – not wanting sex but having to go through with it twice a week? Have you ever thought about how that might feel?]
She said once " I haven't felt anything for you for a long time".
[Perhaps because you insist she takes you into her body twice a week, though she doesn’t want to.]
She confessed to an affair years ago - said "if you want to get your own back, that's OK so long as you don't tell me".
[What do you get out of your relationship, and what does she? There must be something in it for her if she wants to keep you.]
she suspected I was having an affair and really pulled out the stops to keep me. New clothes new hairdo, sex every night.
[She really did want to keep you. Sex every night. Goodness.]
So there is this woman at work - a widow - we were in one another's arms late into the early hours and had hours of deep meaningful conversation.
[There are people everywhere.]
I am way out of my league with this woman.
[Perhaps that’s why you didn’t take up her offer.]

What do you want from your wife? You don’t think of her as a person, of her life, her interests, her needs – you just count the number of times you have sex, and offer us that, expecting us to say “Oh, that’s alright, you should be having more, just go with the widow.”

Talk to your wife. Recognise her as a human being. The shock might kill her but if it doesn’t, you’ll have opened a useful conversation.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 03/07/2014 16:30

Och just go for it.... Your wife deserves it.... and you love one another after all
Quite.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2014 16:34

How old are your kids?
Would you be happy to step out of your marriage and family life and being a father?

You marriage doesn't sound great but please don't be 'that guy' 'that cliche' that leaves for another woman and leaves hurt and destruction in your wake.
Talk to your wife about everything you have outlined about your relationship.

See if she really does love you and want to be with you. It may be a good get out for her if she knows you are having doubts as well.

But make sure you are firmly out of your marriage before embarking on another relationship with anyone.
But you deserve love and happiness, everyone does.

Lovingfreedom · 03/07/2014 16:41

Separating from your spouse doesn't mean you have to 'step out of family life and being a father'...

Wrapdress · 03/07/2014 16:46

You're moving on. Get a divorce.

Good for your lady work friend for not having sex with a married man. She did the right thing for herself. Don't sleep with her until your divorce is filed.

SoleSource · 03/07/2014 17:30

Divorce her. You're both unhappy.

DirtySkirtings · 03/07/2014 18:18

Why have you not already separated?

Bobulate · 03/07/2014 18:26

Are you 60 OP?

Are you the bloke on here who was looking for what he called gag 'feminine warmth' a while back?

60feel16again · 03/07/2014 21:16

Kids are gone and independent so not a problem. Would need to leave her financially OK too, which might be difficult. She is one of those people that is quite happy on her own, but I would miss the companionship. We get on OK we don't argue and we do things together. We are friends but not really lovers. Would hate to lose the friendship aspect. No I wasn't the chap looking for feminine warmth. In fact I find that quite easy to get. I get on very well with women and have affectionate, but not sexual relationships with a few.

The thing is I do still love her and always have, but am finding it hard not to be loved. GMM It is her that doesn't recognise my needs. Her need is financial security. That is why she married me and the only reason she stays.

OP posts:
GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 03/07/2014 23:23

Poor woman.

WildBillfemale · 04/07/2014 07:37

It's one of those take take take relationships unfortunately. She's happy with the set up you aren't.

Don't view the widow as a potential side dish to supply what your marriage is missing. This is very unfair to her and the cowardly way to deal with it.
Either you love your wife and her 'friendship' enough to put up with no love/sex or you find the courage to end it, lose this aspect but be free to find a happy two way relationship.
I find it hard to swallow in this day and age that women still see men as meal tickets. If your wife wants financial security tell her to get a job, save, invest etc.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 08:19

I find it 'hard to swallow' that men have such unreasonable expectations. If his wife was on here talking about how her husband of probably 30+ years insisted on sex twice weekly though he knew she didn't want it, had 'affectionate' relationships with other women and was constantly on the alert for an affair, leading to her having to dress up and make herself available daily, would you then see this man for what he is?

WildBillfemale · 04/07/2014 08:40

Have you even read the op Mary Macguire?? His wife HAS had an affair, freely admits she doesn't feel anything for him but only stays for financial security and you feel she's a saint and hard done by??

MN at it's best! women are never in the wrong for some here lol

hellsbellsmelons · 04/07/2014 09:11

Based on your updates, you need to have a proper talk to your wife.
Why do you need to make sure she is financially secure?
You will split assets etc... 50/50.
Does she not work? Can she work?
Life changes. If she needs to work when you separate to support herself then that is what she has to do.
It's what we all have to do.
I know I couldn't be with someone who didn't love me.
What a waste of life.
Get away. Get divorced. Then find what you want and need to make you happy.

rainbowsmiles · 04/07/2014 09:13

Wildbill the op is fairly obviously trying to justify an affair. His marriage is far from dead. They have sex twice a week, are good friends and have shared activities. He and his fantasy lady "love" each other (spew). If his marriage is over then end it but no - then he might have to settle with his wife financially and he doesn't sound too keen on that.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 09:15

I've read the op and quoted it back, if you want to check upthread. He just wants mn approval for bad behaviour.

DorothyBastard · 04/07/2014 09:17

she puts up with it, once or twice a week without any enthusiasm

You have sex with your wife every few days, even though she doesn't want to? That sounds suspiciously like rape to me.

Rebecca2014 · 04/07/2014 09:18

She hardly ignores you sexually though? you have sex once or twice a week? why do you keep having sex with her if it is so bad?

You are 60 years old, you are not getting any younger so before you enter into an affair, end your marriage! I am sure she won't be surprised because she is feeling the same as you, empty.