Fatal Attraction or Fatal Hesitation? (long)

[60feel16again]

I have been married for many years. TBH I don't think my wife has ever really loved me. She says "I love you" to family, the kids, pets etc. but never to me. If I ask her, she will say "sometimes". I think mainly it is gratitude that I "saved her" from a bad home situation. When we got married people were surprised and said "We thought you were more like brother and sister". She never really wants sex - maybe a couple of times a year, when we are out of the home situation, but she puts up with it, once or twice a week without any enthusiasm. She said once " I haven't felt anything for you for a long time". She says things like this from time to time. These things she says haunt me and I lie awake thinking about them. She confessed to an affair years ago and said is was purely "physical" and I forgave her. She said "if you want to get your own back, that's OK so long as you don't tell me". The opportunity has come up several times but I have always pulled back from the brink. Once she suspected I was having an affair and really pulled out the stops to keep me. New clothes new hairdo, sex every night.

So there is this woman at work. She works in another office. I met her some years ago on a training course and we hit it off straight away. The attraction was there but we were both married so just left it. I have met her a few times since and the magnetism was still there for both of us. We met up again at a works "do" the other night, we were (discretely) in one another's arms late into the early hours and had hours of deep meaningful conversation. I could feel myself falling in love for the first time in years. I had forgotten how it felt. At the end of the night she sat silently thinking for at least 10 minutes about whether we should go to bed. She is a widow now and single. In the end she said "I have an early start in the morning" so we left it. I followed her upstairs after a discrete delay and we kissed outside her room and stupidly(?) I said "I love you" and she said "I love you too" in a very sincere tone. I didn't want any awkwardness the next day, so I kissed her on the cheek and said "until the next time" and that was it. She seemed OK with that. I think my wife suspects something happened, as she was especially nice to me for a few days, but back to the cold shoulder in bed now

So what now? I have been walking on air ever since and feel happier than I can remember. Don't know whether to make contact, or just remember it as a wonderful evening. I have since seen the photos of the evening and I am way out of my league with this woman anyway.

if she's been having obligation-sex twice a week for years, she'll feel like she isn't a human being, isn't worth loving, isn't valued at all. oh, but, he doesn't value her, does he?

I'm a woman with no experience of this issue, but I do find it interesting how it is almost impossible for the woman to be in the wrong! The wife did have an affair! Are you saying it was justified?

I personally could never really forgive someone after an affair. I might decide to try and continue the marriage, but my heart would be broken and the sex forever cheapened.

His wife's idea about having affairs and it being ok 'so long as you don't tell me' would only make me, if I was the OP, wonder whether she had more secrets. It's not very flattering that his wife has said she doesn't care if he has sex with another woman. I think the wife has smashed up the romance of this so there's nothing left. I don't really blame the OP here for being desperate for intimacy -- I would be bereft, and probably very emotionally haphazard if my DH was giving me those messages (i.e. the ones his wife has given him).

At the end of the day it's a very un-together marriage. They either need to go to counselling and really push through this (like the film a few years ago with Meryl Streep!) or move on.

Also sex with someone who consents but shows disinterest would be very sad. It's not necessarily the OP's phrasing that she 'puts up with it'. Perhaps she's said that? I'm guessing she's only into it when she's thinking about or with someone else.

Think if it was a woman whose husband had had an affair, said he didn't care who she slept with, and then had sex with her 'without enthusiasm' -- an unfriendly missionary quickie twice a week. We'd say he was being controlling and mean, I'm sure, and deliberately trying to destroy her self esteem. In fact we'd say he'd checked out long ago.

oh FFS get a grip you lot.

His wife doesn't say no to sex so it's not rape.
His wife has already had an affair.
His wife says she doesn't have feelings for him.
His wife only makes an effort when she feels an outside threat to her financial security.

Well lets get the facts right. Read the original post. I didn't say she didn't want sex I said she is not enthusiastic. If she says "no" then fair enough. Sometimes she asks me if I want it - so nowhere near rape.

Neither do I need anyone's permission for an affair. I have that from my wife as long as I don't tell her. She would know, but as long as I am discrete, she would be OK. Nor am I on the look out for affairs. I have tuned down several opportunities. The dilemma really is do I take the leap into what could be a more fulfilling life relationship. Even at my age, there is still time.

The dilemma really is do I take the leap into what could be a more fulfilling life relationship?
There is no right answer to this here.
Will it be more fulfilling long term?
Will it be better than what you have when reality hits?
Problem is, you can't possibly know unless you take the plunge.

Do you want another 20 years of what you have?
That is the main question here?

You are at a crossroads, it's up to you which way you go.
But think about your happiness for the last part of your life.
You want love and happiness. It certainls sounds like you haven't had it for many years, so is it now YOUR time???

YOU DECIDE

You really need to separate these two issues in your head.

The first - and most important - is your marriage and your wife. Have you two ever actually spoken about how you are feeling? About the dissatisfaction? She obviously hasn't been happy either, otherwise she wouldn't have had the affair. You need to speak to her, and to have a serious conversation about how each of you feel. Don't accuse each other of things, just put your heart on the table. And for the love of god don't mention this other woman.

You need to take a huge step back from this other lady until you have decided what to do about your marriage. If you decide to work on your marriage, then you need to tell this lady the truth, and let her know that you can't have any contact with her for a while. If she is a good woman (and there's no reason why she shouldn't be), she will understand.

If you decide that the marriage cannot be saved, then you need to get your own house in order first, and then, AND ONLY THEN, see if this other woman would be interested in starting up a relationship with you.

What you should definitely not do, is have overlap between the two women. That is hugely disrespectful to everybody involved.

Your wife was wrong to have an extra marital affair - that's not in question. But the fact that she did does NOT give you the "right" to do the same thing. That's just selfish, shitty logic.

Decide on your marriage first. Everything else can come after that.

This is grim. Not quite sure what you are looking to Mumsnet for to be honest.