Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to deal with very critical parents. I can't do anything right :-(

37 replies

happy362 · 02/07/2014 19:46

I am sat here crying. I went to make a hot drunk when my dad told me I shouldn't as I have already had enough calories today. When I told him that he need not worry about my weight as I had lost a stone and a half since putting on 3 stone with my 8 month old he came out with 'if you have lost weight that's news to me'.
It has hurt really bad. I just went upstairs. He has always complained about my weight even though before I had my son I was a normal healthy weight. I have never eaten much more than I should and I have now lost a stone and a half since my son was born although I would have liked to lose more. I feel sad that he thinks the same weight as before and feels I'm not making any effort to lose it as I am.
My mum and dad both accuse me of lying when I says son sleeps through the night and say they believe I just leave him to cry in the night or shut my door when I don't hear him. I am a great parent who has got him into a good routine but obviously that is too much for them to believe.
This is just two examples. I know how much they love to see my son so I go down every few weeks even though it costs me quite a bit and I don't have much money.
However I always feel really rubbish about myself after just a few days here and I really don't want to come anymore.

Normally i could not care less what anyone thinks about me but for some reason with parents it's different. I want to make them proud and to be happy with me. But I guess that is never going to happen.

Thankfully I have a partner who absolutely adores me and lifts me up when I'm feeling down but he isn't here when I visit my parents.

How would you deal with this criticism? Do you think I should reduce contact quite a bit?

OP posts:

tinklykeys · 02/07/2014 19:56

First of all, congratulations on losing a stone and a half, that is amazing well done you! Hopefully someone will come along with some good advice about how to deal with really unhelpful criticisms from your parents. It sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through it, especially with a small child!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2014 20:08

I am glad you picked a supportive loving partner. Firstly I don't think your weight is any of their business but it's the tip of an iceberg. Whatever you put up with living under their roof growing up, those days are past. You're an adult now. Do you let others make rude comments, be judgmental, snipe at you?

Just because your parents adore your DS you're not obliged to trundle over to their place to have your confidence dented.

Needing to budget is a perfect excuse to ration visits. If you go over with DP it will be less easy for them to take pot shots.

Secondly the trouble is if they are quick to criticise and never show you any respect won't they eventually treat DS like that? Better to distance yourself sooner than later.

Doitforme · 02/07/2014 20:11

Time to stand up to them and not allow this to happen. If you don't make a stand then they will start doing the same to your child as well.
It is not ok that they are emotionally abusive to you. Not ok at all.
I would stop visiting them at their house and if they want to they can come to yours but only when you agree. In your own home you will find it easier to be more assertive with them. You seem still stuck in your child parent roles and you have to break this now.

Doitforme · 02/07/2014 20:13

Woops , sorry donkey. Great minds think alike and all that

FabULouse · 02/07/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

happy362 · 02/07/2014 20:17

Thanks for the replies. For some reason the cements from my parents really hurt and just make me feel very down. It's not a one off it's very te I come and I only come every month for a few days. I think cutting down on visits is a good idea. Apart fr being nasty it's u grateful. I get very little. Money as it is and it costs £60 a time.

I don't know why parents think they can be so nasty and insulting. I actually had a fantastic childhood but it is when I got to a teenager that's parents got critical

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/07/2014 20:18

"Do you think I should reduce contact quite a bit?"

I'd go further than that. They have no right to belittle and abuse you. You don't live under their roof any longer so you don't have to put up with their cruel shit.

If it was anyone else doing this other than your parents you'd cut them out of your life like a cancer, wouldn't you? Cut. Cut. Cut.

Original poster

happy362 · 02/07/2014 20:18

Sorry for all the mistakes on my last post. I'm struggling with a faulty keyboard!

OP posts:

WandaFuca · 02/07/2014 20:53

So, everything was "fine" when you were a little child, but when you got to your teens and becoming your own person with your own views, that's when it got difficult. It sounds like they're controlling people - the criticisms are designed to push you back into a subordinate position. "Mother/Father knows best" - including knowing better than you whether your son cries in the night. It's abusive behaviour.

They'll do the same to your son, eventually.

You are allowed to cut contact with them. Many Mumsnetters have done that, for very similar reasons. You might not want to take such drastic action yet, but keep that in the back of your mind. Once you start standing up for yourself, they might become more respectful, but if they don't (and they probably won't) you do have the right to walk away from them permanently.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2014 20:56

What I don't think you appreciate is that you're actually in a position of power here. You have 'the grandchild' and that's the trump card. If they really want a relationship with your DS then they're going to have to move their miserable little arses and stop insulting his mother. You can't afford the trips and you don't enjoy them. Fill your diary with other stuff for a few months and see how you get on. Build your confidence in your own home with your own family.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2014 21:00

Should have added that, in principle, I see 'no contact' as a very last resort. I think it is more constructive and better for personal development to tackle bullies assertively and openly than it is to simply run away and hide. However, I think you need confidence to do that and that's why I suggest a few months break from the nit-picking and talking with your adoring partner about how you're going to deal with this together. No more solo visits, put it that way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2014 21:02

It's natural to grow away from mum and dad and think for ourselves but some parents can't handle the fact their offspring develop opinions and views of their own.

Maybe your childhood was fantastic but like most teens, you started to be less dependent and more your own person. We are programmed from infancy to think our parents know best. They stubbornly don't see you as a responsible adult so now you are a mother yourself I suspect their reaction - subconscious or not - is to refuse to see you as an equal so they'll continue to knock you back so you don't get too full of yourself.

You're aware of them being hard to please or impress now the trick is to say to yourself, "I can't make them look on me favourably but that's their problem not mine". You don't have to prove yourself. You have nothing to apologise for.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2014 21:05

Slow typing and slower editing - it's all been said already! OP hope you are okay.

BranchingOut · 02/07/2014 21:07

'I am happy with my weight loss and would rather not discuss it'

'I find these comments critical and upsetting. They make me not enjoy my visits to you'

Original poster

happy362 · 02/07/2014 21:11

Thanks for the replies they have definetly helped. I feel much better now. I know their criticisms are factually incorrect so I shouldn't get so upset

OP posts:

BranchingOut · 02/07/2014 21:18

I have a difficult father and only in the last couple of years has the penny dropped that if he is difficult, critical or awkward then his children will be much less inclined to make the 250 mile journey to see him...

Original poster

happy362 · 02/07/2014 21:49

That's a shame branching out. :-(

OP posts:

Doitforme · 02/07/2014 21:58

When I had my daughter something in my clicked. I had therapy and realised exactly what my childhood had been like and how my parents had emotional abused me with a little other abuse thrown in to the mix. It was a revelation. Having my child made me stronger and I became the adult and talked to them from a completely adult point of view. If they insulted me I challenged it I a very positive adult way. They didn't like the new me and reverted to being childish. Eventually when they went too far I cut contact. I had to protect my child. Best thing I ever did. I then grew as a person and an individual and became stronger.
Please don't let this continue for you and your childs sake. You don't want to find out further down the line that they have been saying these type of terrible things to your child.

Original poster

happy362 · 02/07/2014 22:21

Thank you. My parents are not always horrible but just incidents like this really hurt me. My dad is much worse than my mum. My dad has quite an insensitive manner but he doesn't always realise how insensitive he is being.
I think my mum says stuff half joking but doesn't realise it isn't funny.

It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who has had issues with their parent.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 03/07/2014 00:36

Yep. My childhood was good too. But then I developed opinions of my own and boy was that to be stamped on.

It is very common for parents who were once lovely turn once they are being question. Unfortunately this will probable happen to your DC.

My 2p worth is become very 'busy' for the rest of the year. If you do visit, or they come to you, make sure your DP is with you, don't go alone. That's what I do. And don't give them any personal information. How is ds? He is fine, happy etc. how is the weather? Is he sleeping? As well as you would expect. How did the car service go? How is his weight? Good. Did you hear about that thing that happened.
Oh ds is crying, have to go bye.

As the others have said. You have the power now. Once you accept that you will never ever get their approval (not because you are wrong, but because they will never give it to you) you will stop caring. And that's when the power kicks in.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/07/2014 00:43

congratulations on losing all that weight.

cutting back on contact seems a good way to go. if they are like this with you, I suspect they may be like it with your child, if not now, then some point in the future.

those things about shutting thedoor, do you think that might have been what your parents did?

DistanceCall · 03/07/2014 02:05

You need to start setting some boundaries. Those comments are nasty and aggressive, and, as another poster said, they are attempts to "put you in your place" (i.e. the place of a child whose parents always know best).

You wouldn't allow a stranger or even a friend to say such things to you. Your parents have no free pass to be nasty to you just because they are your parents. You are an adult and should be treated as such.

The fact that you were so upset by your father's comments shows, I think, that on some level you still feel like the little girl they want you to be (a little girl they can control and belittle). Don't allow it. Set some boundaries - cut the conversation short, or answer back (for example, "Frankly, that is none of your business, Dad"). If everything else fails, as other posters have said, don't go there for some time.

They behave like toddlers, treat them like toddlers - if they are rude to you, they don't get to see their grandchild until they behave.

And if everything fails, yes, cut them off permanently. But they might be shocked into behaving like, well, normal people if you scare them sufficiently.

EverythingCounts · 03/07/2014 02:21

In short, yes. Cut back your visits. Lots of good advice above.

Doitforme · 03/07/2014 14:52

Brilliant strategies for dealing with Toxic Parents that's what I am doing too Aussie.

comedycentral · 03/07/2014 15:08

Are you home yet OP?

Flip

1 2