How to deal with very critical parents. I can't do anything right :-(

[happy362]

I am sat here crying. I went to make a hot drunk when my dad told me I shouldn't as I have already had enough calories today. When I told him that he need not worry about my weight as I had lost a stone and a half since putting on 3 stone with my 8 month old he came out with 'if you have lost weight that's news to me'.
It has hurt really bad. I just went upstairs. He has always complained about my weight even though before I had my son I was a normal healthy weight. I have never eaten much more than I should and I have now lost a stone and a half since my son was born although I would have liked to lose more. I feel sad that he thinks the same weight as before and feels I'm not making any effort to lose it as I am.
My mum and dad both accuse me of lying when I says son sleeps through the night and say they believe I just leave him to cry in the night or shut my door when I don't hear him. I am a great parent who has got him into a good routine but obviously that is too much for them to believe.
This is just two examples. I know how much they love to see my son so I go down every few weeks even though it costs me quite a bit and I don't have much money.
However I always feel really rubbish about myself after just a few days here and I really don't want to come anymore.

Normally i could not care less what anyone thinks about me but for some reason with parents it's different. I want to make them proud and to be happy with me. But I guess that is never going to happen.

Thankfully I have a partner who absolutely adores me and lifts me up when I'm feeling down but he isn't here when I visit my parents.

How would you deal with this criticism? Do you think I should reduce contact quite a bit?

I'm still at parents house. I stay here fore around two weeks to make it worth my while. I'm much happier today. My dad works full time so is only here in the evening and my mum is fine almost all the time.

The replies have really helped when I was feeling so down. Funny how parents think they can say stuff to their children they would never say I anyone else

If you have a while to go yet, then next time your dad says something hurtful.
Tell him. It's not nice and rather abusive and that you do NOT have to put up with it and you will be leaving tomorrow.. blah blah..
Time to take control.

Well done on your weight loss. I just need to sort mine out now!
Can I have some of your motivation please!?

Thanks for the support. Next time he makes a remark I will definetly make a point of telling him it is unacceptable .
To be honest I've not really dieted. Just made a point of making some healthy choices. I could have lost a lot more but wanted to lose it slowly and keep it off!

Telling him it's unacceptable will be good for your soul, good for your self-respect and start to shift the power balance in your favour. You know him best so anticipate likely responses & work out some sharp answers. Anticipate your mother's reaction (is she a 'it's just how he is' type?) and have something to say to her as well. You might also want to have your bags packed and return ticket at the ready if you're not taken seriously.

FWIW... something you might like to remember about visitors. Like fish, they go off after three days. Two weeks hunkered together with anyone - even your best mate - and things can turn sour. Do they live a plane journey away that you have to spend so long????

If I were you I would never stay with them again. When you go to their house you tend to all revert to your childhood roles. If you can't afford a hotel then I would not visit them but let them book a hotel and visit you. It may be very difficult trying ti change things whilst under their roof.

My ground rules for dealing with my father are:

Don't stay there, stay nearby

Visit for pre-defined periods of time and agree when/how I will be departing.

Be pleasant/accommodating over small things, firm on the big things.

While I am there talk of mutual topics of interest, don't discuss things that might require his opinion on my decisions/actions.

Most importantly, I don't let him bully me or attempt to dominate me. Be ready/prepared to leave if needed.

This all took me years and a lot of heartache, but it was worth it to do so as finally I feel there is balance in the relationship.

Of course an 8 month old can sleep though. Your parents need to be told that they are being rude and upsetting you. A hot drink is not a big source of calories - he is just being nasty and he needs telling that your weight is none of his biz!
Let Mum know that you will not be able to visit so often or for so long.
Enjoy your little one at home and let them make an effort to visit.
You are giving them too much of your consideration.
(My third born in June slept through the dark hours from birth so they know nothing.)

Stand up to them and challenge each nasty inaccuracy. That may be in the form of setting them straight or just plain telling them such a nasty opinion isn't wanted.
However be very aware of their relationship with your child. The second they start to damage them by trying to undermine and control your relationship with him is when you need to put you and him first and cut them off.

There can be no second chances for behaviour like that its the only way to stop the damage seeping into the next generation. They have a right to see their grandchild but only and I mean ONLY if their behaviour isn't harmful to him. Trying to damage his relationship with his primary caregiver, the one he depends on for everything (you, his mother) is when their rights end.

I emphasise your role here because it does all begin and end with you as far as your son is concerned. You protect him from anything that may harm him, you are his world in the early years so any attempt to undermine that in any way cannot be minimised.

Manage them for now but be aware that if they cross the line and start to challenge your relationship with their grandchild more directly as I fear they may then they have lost all rights to contact. Forget their rights and look at your child and think who would try to destroy his relationship with his mother, what kind of person would think their view comes above that.

I know it's hard with parents, but you need to stand up for yourself. They are just people - not gods beyond reproach.

They have got into a habit of being spiteful, just because they can.

Next time your dad makes a comment about your weight as him when the last time HE stepped on the scales was. Or tell him you weight is absolutely NONE of his business WHATSOEVER so don't even go there.

It's okay to get into an argument when someone is being unreasonable and won't back down. You just need to see it through. But do cut down significantly contact. You are doing them a huge favour by going to them, and if they are going to treat you like shit, then fuck them.

My parents have always been the most supportive, loving, wonderful people in my life, but recently they started making comments a bit like this. The first time it happened I just got shitty with them and then cried the whole next day, but never said anything specific about it. The next time it happened I snapped at them to keep their hurtful comments to themselves - they raised me not to be some superficial, vaccuuous hot house flower and it was too late if they regretted that fact.

I think what I said hurt them, but it must have made them realise they were being rude as they haven't done it since.

May I just pick up on a particular point - not to quibble with you, IAmNotAMindReader, but because the attitudes in the Family Court have changed in recent times. The view is that it's really only the child who has rights, everybody else has responsibilities. Sure, there is now a process whereby grandparents can apply to the court for permission to make an application for contact, but they'll only get over the first hurdle if they can show they've previously had contact that was beneficial to the child and that it's in the best interests of the child that contact resumes/continues. I thought I'd just mention that, although I'm not at all an expert in Family Law.

happy - Lots of support and advice and strategies have already been posted. One thing I'd say is that you've already made the first few steps on the way to being fully in charge of your own life. You're clear in your own mind that their behaviour is not acceptable; and you've said that out loud - ok, you've typed it out loud - and to strangers, and got responses that you're not alone.

There is another thread on Mumsnet in the Relationships section: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2063324-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families. You may not want to read through that thread as yet, but the first posting includes links to all the previous threads, which started in December 2007, and the current thread is the 18th. There are many of us who know exactly what you're dealing with.

Hi op, I get similar comments from my parents. They don't even realise they're being rude or inaccurate (erm no mum I haven't put on weight I have in fact lost 10 lb), it needs to be spelt out to them.

We now live in different countries and it has worked wonders for me! :)