we both like the same guy....what's the best thing to do...

[doormat123]

This feels so silly.....and I feel like I'm a teenager again. (I'm in my 40s).

I REALLY REALLY like a guy, and we had a few dates a few months ago. We had a snog, and not much more, and he clearly doesn't want to take it further although we are now quite close friends. I'm hoping it will develop.... When we go out, usually once a month, we often have a snog, and always hold hands etc.

We are both on dating sites/Tinder and sometimes talk about our dates but nothing has come to anything yet.

He recently met a friend of mine. I've only known this friend for a year. She told me she won't pursue anything with him as she values our friendship. she said she wouldn't give him her phone number or meet up with him again as she knows how I feel about him and so it wouldn't be fair. I told her that I really appreciate that and thanked her and responded that I too value our new friendship.

I know I could have said that that was silly, and if she is attracted to him then she should go for it, but I decided for once in my life to not be a doormat and to just accept what she said and thank her.

Meantime, I know they are in contact, but don't know how much.

He has said to me that it would be odd if he dated her and that his friendship with me is too important to risk.

I haven't spoken to her since realising that she was going behind my back doing this.

My upset/disappointment is that she is doing this behind my back having said she won't. Not, that she is doing it. She could have said straight off that actually him and me are just friends, and therefore she actaully would like to see if anything happens with them.

Meantime, I am due to see him this Saturday afternoon. I would like to actually know if they have seen or are seeing each other, and just don't know how to play it. I feel perhaps I should cancel him, and step back and let whatever they want to evolve evolve, and then see what has happened in a month or two?

I don't want to get petty and ask them what's going on. They have both individually said to me that their friendship with me is the most important thing here, yet their possible actions show otherwise. Plus I then give them something to discuss and say I am being silly.

Do I step back? As I am writing this I think this is perhaps the most sensible thing to do. But I am really falling for him big time.

Do I ask one of them what's going on, and if they are planning on seeing each other again - but then I look petty and it just isn't necessary?

Any advice please? I feel like I'm 18 again. But we had an unspoken code of conduct then. Now I don't know what to do. Just disappointed mostly. xx

You have to step back because you're currently making a fool of yourself, I'm afraid. He's said he's not interested and yet there you are making goo-goo eyes at him & holding hands etc. He must think you're daft.

You've pointed out yourself that he isn't interested in a relationship with you...? Why risk a friendship over a guy that clearly isn't going anywhere?

Absolutely step back! This man is playing you and getting exactly waht he wants. Dont let yourself be a hobby to picked up and put down again when he is bored or has no-one more interesting to entertain him!

Retain your dignity and walk away from the pair of them.

Forget the friend issue for now.

You fancy him and are falling for him.. He sees you as a friend?
Ummm, that's got upset written all over it. I think you need to talk to him and you and him. If he's not wanting to step this relationship up a gear with you then walk away as he cannot make you happy.

Now onto the friend... I think he's liking this... 2 people attracted to him, he might be game playing. He might have told your friend a right load of old tosh. Or she's playing the game too. Either way you need to talk to him about you and him (don't mention your friend).

Several things
1- he's treating you badly and you are being a doormat. You are putting up with crumbs if affection in the hope that it will make him like you more and he is using your affection to boost his ego with no intention of giving you what you want. This is absurd and you need to put a stop to it for your own well being.
2- you're upset with her for seeing him behind your back but you don't mention him. Does he have a free pass to walk all over you?
3- this situation is a cluster fuck and you will end up hurt one way or another.

I would cancel your plans with him on Saturday afternoon; he has already made it plain he does not want to have a relationship with you and you're further lowering yourself by making eyes at him. This will only lead to you getting further hurt. Neither he or this female friend you've only known a year are worth this and I do not think that either are really any sort of a friend to you.

Maybe they are friends. And they might not think that is harmful to you.

Maybe she has told him whst you said and he has said he is only interested in friendship with you?

Thank you so much for your replies. I think he knows how I feel about him. He certainly did a few months ago. Not sure if he now thinks I'm 'over it' as he knows about other dates I have. So actually maybe he doesn't know.

The more I see/speak to him the more I like him and I was hoping it may work the other way too but I think it isn't.

Perhaps nothing is happening with them?

Should I just text him and say sorry can't do Saturday? He may well ask why or ask if it's because of him becoming friends with her - do I be honest and say yes I find it hard but of course if they like each other they should go for it, or do I just say no I'm completely fine with it but something has come up?

Or do I just casually drop into a text (we text every day usually in the morning and then in the evening for a while) and just ask if he's seen her?

Hate feeling like this! Xx

I would just cancel saturday, and if he asks why then say you just cant see any point as the relationship isnt going anywhere and you dont want to be 'just friends' so to continue seeing him under that premise would be unfair.

Thank you - i love that you are all offering different things but saying the same so I can truly overthink this even more than I currently am!!! Oh dear!!!

Yes very good point that perhaps she has said to him she feels bad and yes he probably said to her that him and me are only friends.

Also yes, he isn't being a friend is he?

She certainly isn't. But tbh I'm not bothered about that. More about whether to just walk away or let this week unfold?

Perhaps they aren't going to see each other at all and I will walk away for nothing?

PS I have a date with a guy from PoF tomorrow eve...I guess that's positive?

If they are interested in each other - and it sounds as if they could be - you are actually forcing them to go behind your back.

Your male friend needs to stop snogging you and holding your hand because it's raising your hopes and that's not fair. He isn't interested in you at all because if he were, you'd be together.

I think you need a little distance from both but you also need to cut them loose so that they can see where they go from here. Then you get to decide whether you still want to be friends or not.

Sorry, I know it hurts. Rip the plaster off and get it over with, it will hurt a whole lot less.

Ehric - it isn't that he has a free pass - it is that she told me she wouldn't see him because she knows how I feel about him, whereas he perhaps isn't sure how I feel and met her with no idea that she and I were friends. he actually said to me that our friendship (his and mine) is more important to him than starting a relationship with her yet I have an inkling this was just talk. I don't know they are seeing each other at all it's just a hunch...

So it seems I cut loose.

Good point about forcing them to do it behind my back...

So I text him and cancel and if he asks why I should be honest and just say that tbh he knows how I feel about him and actually there's no point in just being friends?

He will probably say is this to do with E and I am guessing I would just reply no, it is to do with him and with me?

Any other suggestions of how to approach the walking away would be v appreciated.

In February I did that - I told him I couldn't be friends because of how I felt, and he respected that. We didn speak for about 5 weeks and then I bumped into him and I realised I missed him, and seriously like him, and it started again...

I would cancel Saturday and then drop contact.
You don't need to tell him anything.
If you must then a short - it's not you it's me - will do the trick.
This isn't doing you our your self-esteem any good at all.
Time to move on. It's going nowhere with guy.
And he's a total player as well.

Look OP- you cannot control what they do, you can only control what you do. If you want a relationship with him then you are going to be disappointed as he has told you he doesnt want it. You can hope for something more but it is delusional. He ha told you how he feels and he is seeing someone else. Does that sound like the actions of a man who actively wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you? And why would you accept anything less than a someone who actively wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you?

So, a few months back he knew how you felt, I suspect he still knows but chooses to push that to one side. Either because he likes you as a friend and hopes you'll get over it, or he just likes the attention.

I would, tell him how you feel in a very matter of fact way, very calmly. I would say "I like/love/fancy(whatever) you, I don't deserve to be made a fool, so I am going to stay away. Should you make up your mind you want me you know where I am" and then walk away and stay away. The balls in his court.

If you don't speak the truth, if you are not honest and have that dialogue then you might always wonder what if.

Don't make yourself available as an option, as a friend with extras or as a crutch to him when his dates go tits up.

I say you play best of three Buckaroo, the loser gets to date him.

Thank you all. I know you are all right. Whether or not he is seeing her I shouldn't let this be carrying on with him and me how it is.

I will text him later and report back if I may....I may need some shoulders to cry on....

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like a 'player' and your friend sounds a bit like you and is falling for it. Your issue is with him, not her though.

Tell him you don't want to see him as he is not what you are looking for. He doesn't need his ego boosting anymore by thinking he has two women fighting over him.

You're seriously overthinking about what HE will think. Stop doing that for your own sanity. He isn't interested in you, that is all you need to know What he thinks is immaterial and irrelevant. What do YOU think?

If I were in this unenviable position, I would text him to cancel, say I have plans and then delete his number. I would then ring my female friend and tell her that I am taking some time for myself. Just in case you were thinking of introducing an air of intrigue, that you have other love interests, etc. hoping that she'll tell him (and only a foolish woman would), put them both out of your head and actually DO take that time for yourself so that you are unaffected and disinterested in whether they are together or not, genuinely.

Oh lord how awkward for you

I think you know the answer though don't you?

I think you should scratch each other's eyes out and pull each other's hair

Better still, stop making a pillock of yourself by mooning over a bloke that just isn't that into you

Thank you. I will text and cancel Saturday because as you all point out, he isn't any good for me. (Or interested!!)

I actually haven't spoken to her now for a week. After seeing her last week she was totally ott and texted me 3 times the next day to say how nice it was to see me and let's book a night away in the Cotswolds which we'd been talking about doing. I replied to say really nice to see her but that my plans have changed and I can't go away so maybe another time.

I don't think she will call me again and I don't intend to call her. I am hurt that she lied about this. I am too trusting and foolish I think.

Yes, she sounds like the sort of friend you can do without.

Bitoutofpractice - yes I guess so. We always do don't we. But all the confirmation is heartwarming actually and helps.

I guess another silly question .....why don't the ones we like like us back? Or at least - in my case? I guess I just feel sad he doesn't like me enough :(